Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Another no-go.

While we're not pregnant... oh well, we'll try again next month. Hope everyone had a great Christmas / holiday. The new year is around the corner and man... I'm ready for it.


Friday, December 23, 2011

counting my blessings

So today I began having cramping and a little spotting. I am due to start my period tomorrow, so I am pretty positive that I am not pregnant (plus I have taken 3 pregnancy tests). Kristen and I both had an emotional morning together talking about baby making, our relationship, and life in general. We don't see each other much due to our work schedules, so when we do, we talk things out. She is an amazing woman and I feel incredibly grateful that we have such an open, honest relationship.

Anyway, after our conversation I started thinking about a few reasons why I can be grateful that I am not pregnant. I know that sounds funny, but I needed to look on the bright side today. So here are the reasons:

1. Margarita en Fuego- This is my favorite drink. It is a margarita with hot pepper juice in it. So delicious! I will have a few of these in the next couple weeks.

2. Lattes- I have basically given up caffeine. I haven't had daily caffeinated beverages since we started TTC in June. Every once in a while I have a latte, but not often. This week, I am having lattes. I love them so much and look forward to them.

3. Soft cheeses- I know this sounds odd, but I am in love with soft cheeses. This is the one thing that I will miss the most once I am pregnant. Today I had feta, brie, and blue cheese. Not having any of it in the last two weeks made me catch up for lost time. I hate to see how much soft cheese I eat after I go nine months without! So, for the next two weeks, I am eating soft cheeses.

None of these things are that important to me, and being pregnant would be better than any latte, margarita, or soft cheese out there... but for today I am grateful that I can have these things for the next few weeks. Looking at the sunny side of things for a moment! Happy Friday!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I've been a little grumpy...

And I hate it. I feel like my being a grump completely compromises what we're trying to do here. Does that make sense? Guess I try to find rationality in all of this. So maybe we're not pregnant. Fine. We're not. It didn't happen this month. But do I have to like having the rug pulled out unexpectedly?

Ashley said I should write and I've really been wanting to avoid it until I felt better about things. The other day I overheard Ashley calling the doctor's office to ask for Clomid for next month and I got angry. I got angry because day 10 is day 10. It is not the end. And while I understand the importance of planning ahead for Clomid (especially with the holidays) I am angry that it is getting tougher and tougher for me to keep a positive outlook. Not that I think it will never happen--I know it will--but I am this bystander in all of this and just have to accept when Ashley is ready to accept that she's not pregnant. Well... this time I wasn't ready for that.

Christmas is right around the corner and although I've got a little grump living inside of me, it's not there all the time and I know it's going to pass. We have a fun weekend planned with Ashley's mom, visiting her aunt out of state and I think getting away from the norm--together this time--will do us both some good.

What I am afraid of for Christmas, however, is that it will bring gifts for our future baby. Despite specifically telling people that baby gifts are a bad idea before there is a baby...

Well, anyway.

I'm looking forward to Christmas and hopefully proving Ashley wrong when she receives a positive test... but if not, I look forward to trying again next month. One of these months will be our month.

Good luck to all of you and Merry Christmas et al.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

looking to the future

This morning I took another pregnancy test. It was negative again. Kristen is upset with me because she says that I 'cut myself off at the knees.' She thinks that I should have waited until Day 14 to test or until my missed period. I completely understand where she is coming from, but I don't know if I could hold out and not take a pregnancy test. Basically, I feel like I want to know either way as soon as possible so that I can move on. This month I wanted to get the negative so that I could plan for January's cycle. I know that sounds odd, but I guess that is my way to avoid falling apart when I see the BFN.

So, today I called the OBs office and told them that I will need Clomid filled before the weekend. They called in my script for both Clomid and HCG, so I am ready for this cycle. I am thinking about not doing BBT this month and trying to give up a little control. I mean, I am pretty sure that I will still stress about everything, but maybe if I let go a little bit my body will respond positively.

Amazingly, I don't feel devastated this time around. I was convinced that this was our month until about a week after the IUI. I truly believed that it would work this month... don't know what changed half way through the two week wait. Now, I am trudging into the new year with high hopes for 2012. I have faith that it will happen for us soon.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday week. Hope everyone is doing well on their baby making (or baby baking) journey. Thank you to everyone that has shared their experiences with me, given suggestions, and supported us in our quest. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I decided to test this morning. NOT PREGNANT. Kristen says it is still early, but most people get BFP on day 10 or 11. Interestingly, I am not a total mess this time. Maybe because I am used to the idea of not being pregnant. Maybe once you see it enough times, NOT PREGNANT doesn't hurt quite so much. I don't know. I guess the good part is that we can move on and try again in January. This whole process seems very long, but I know it will be worth it.

Lately, I have been feeling like I am weak, or something like that. I just think about the fact that people try for years to get pregnant without results and we have only tried 4 times (over 6 months) and I am a total wreck. I know that a huge piece of this is my goal oriented, perfectionist personality but that doesn't change anything. Kristen was telling me last night that during a TWW I either need to stop thinking about it altogether or resign myself to the fact that I will be crazy for 14 days. I told her that it is literally not possible for me to stop thinking about something. So, I guess crazy it is!

On a different note... Kristen and I went out last night to celebrate the end of our semester. She has only gotten one of her two grades so far (it is an A). I got my grades yesterday and I still have a 4.0 GPA. YEA!!! So we went to Kobe for dinner and it was pretty tasty. It is one of those hibachi Japanese restaurants. It was a lot of fun and there was an adorable little girl at our table that I kind of made friends with.

When we got home, we watched "The Business of Being Born." It is a documentary about labor and delivery. It was pretty good (what I saw of it, I fell asleep about 2/3 of the way through). Some of the statistics and history in it are pretty shocking. I have been talking to Kristen about wanting a home birth and she is terrified of the idea. I really wanted her to watch that video to see if it could soften her to the idea. I think it did. For me, I really feel like the childbirth process is something that has been done for thousands of years and there is nothing that any medical innovation is going to come up with that makes it any better. It is perfect the way it is. We are supposed to feel the pain of bringing a new life into this world. If we weren't, then it would have been painless for thousands of years. I feel that our bodies know how to give birth and most of the time it is not given the chance to do its job. I really want the opportunity (if possible) to have my baby naturally, at home, surrounded by the people closest to me. I may sound like a total hippie, but I just feel like this is right for me and our future child.

Monday, December 19, 2011

10 days into the TWW

I am feeling better than I did a few days ago. For the six days (except for yesterday and today) I have been crying like four times a day. I think it is likely due to the days getting shorter. I typically have a hard time during this time of year with depression. For the last few years I have been able to manage it with supplements and nutrition. Last week when the feeling started creeping in, I was very reluctant about taking anything to help. By Saturday morning, I was a mess!

On Thursday I had asked the doctor that I work for if the supplements that I normally take are ok during pregnancy and he said yes. I was still nervous about taking anything because I am so scared that I will hurt my unborn baby (if I am pregnant). I broke down on Saturday and decided for the sake of everyone involved, I need to take at least one of the supplements. I have googled it to see if I can find anything negative and there seems to nothing major, so I am going to continue.

Most winters I can fend off the blues until late January or February, but I think the stress of the family stuff and trying to get pregnant has added to it this year. I am just glad that I am feeling a little better now.

With Christmas looming, this two week wait has seemed longer than ever. Basically, Kristen and I agreed that we are not buying each other gifts and doing very little for others this year because we are trying to spend every spare penny on baby making. If we find out that I am pregnant then we are going to buy gifts for each other. It kind of feels like a holding pattern. I think I will probably test on Wednesday because I am pretty sure that I can't hold out until the end of the week.

Hope every is having a good Monday!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Baby-making blues.

If I was being completely honest, I would have to say that I am frustrated with this whole process.  Do I want a baby?  Yes, absolutely.  But the constant checking of temperatures and comparing charts from one month to the next or to other charts online to see what it could possibly mean drives me crazy.  Namely because everyone's charts seem to be as individual as the person they represent.

This morning Ashley woke me up saying that her temperature had dropped and how could she be pregnant if that's the case?  Well, Ashley's chart this month looks a bit like a roller coaster and I'm not really sure any answers could lie within the crests and troughs.  And, again to be honest, I'm always more than just a little disappointed that these things bring her down before her period has even thought about appearing.  I prepare myself each round to find out if we're having a baby about 14 days after our attempts, so when I find out on day 7 that something has made her believe she's not, I get really annoyed.  Not with Ashley, but with the fact that all the charting and waiting for signs comes out of nowhere to trip you up.  I've been really excited this time--probably just because we went to a doctor, but still--and now I don't know how to feel about it.  Is it ridiculous to remain hopeful when Ashley's temp dropped today?  Also, that stupid charting has made Ashley crazy.  She's so upset that we're not pregnant and we don't even know for sure yet!

After I ate breakfast I took my frustration online and researched BBT charts and their meanings and read a few forums where women were asking about manic-looking charts and BBT drops and spikes and tried to find something to make both Ashley and myself feel better about this morning.  I found a few things that suggests that charting is just a helpful tool that is not necessarily proof of anything at all (that may be my bias coming through here).  Some women had completely inconsistent charts and still got a positive pregnancy test without ever having a temperature spike.  Having read all that, I'm feeling a little bit better.  I told Ashley about it and I think it soothed her a little but I know that in her gut it's hard for her to ignore what's on paper.

It seems that lately when I write I always have something to complain about, but I am honestly happy and excited at the prospect of raising a child with Ashley.  I don't, however, want to ignore any of the dirty, ugly, or sad moments that happen along the way because making a baby as a gay couple isn't all sunshine and rainbows and to pretend that it is would be a lie to any other gay couple in our situation.

On a lighter note, on my way to visit my family I was flipping through a SkyMall magazine and found a plaque for a child's room that I loved that said, "Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."  I think we should all have one of those in our homes, not just for our children but for ourselves, too.

To all the pregnant ladies, I hope all is well and congrats to those who just got positives!  Keep us in mind as we wait out our next 7 days!

Until next time,

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Waiting for Christmas

Do you remember when you were little and Christmas always seemed like it would never get here???  You started the advent calender on December 1st only to feel like you might spontaneously combust before the day every arrived... that is the two week wait.  This year I am not waiting for Christmas, I am totally preoccupied with thoughts of babies.

Today I am 6 days post insemination and I literally feel like the two week wait is never going to end.  I think the fact that Kristen has been away since Saturday is likely a huge factor in it, but it still is torture!  I have all of these "symptoms," but I am pretty sure they are psychosomatic.  Maybe I am pregnant, but I probably wouldn't even begin to have symptoms yet.  I just have to try to stay patient. 

The other thing that is difficult is avoiding all of the holiday libations... I have three Christmas parties in the next week that would be much more appealing with a glass of wine, but no such luck.  Oh well... that is the least of my worries!!!

I hope everyone is doing well during this holiday season.  Best of luck to all of those trying to start (or expand) their families.  

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Yesterday was the big day

We had our first IUI yesterday.  It was a non-event.  The whole thing went something like this...

Kristen and I waited in the waiting room nervously for about 20 minutes.  The nurse walked by all cute and pregnant. She was probably 110 pounds before getting pregnant... she is just a little person.  Well, she is one of those adorable little pregnant ladies that makes everyone want to be pregnant.  As she walked past I said to Kristen "you know that I am not going to be cute like that when I am pregnant.  I am going to be huge and waddle like a duck."  She started laughing hysterically and I went on to tell her that I just needed her to know the reality of the situation.  (I am not a small person and pregnancy is going to be splendid, but I am not going to be little and cute.)

Once the nurse called us in to the office she had us sign a bunch of papers and explained what an IUI is.  I am sure that it is necessary, but do people sign up for said procedure without knowing what is going to happen?  She was very sweet and before she left the room she smiled and said "good luck." 

Then our doctor came in, confirmed that I had taken Clomid for 5 days toward the start of my cycle, taken 10,000IUs of HCG the day before, and then shot me up with millions of swimmers.  She literally put the speculum in and then said "we're all done."  It was so quick and easy I couldn't even believe it!  She said that I had a "happy cervix" (that it is open and has plenty of cervical mucus) so she thinks that we hit my ovulation perfectly.  I was very happy to hear that because I am always worried that our timing isn't right.  She then said "let's hope you don't get a period in two weeks, good luck" and walked out of the room.  It was literally 5 minutes and $308 later and I may have the makings of a baby in my uterus! 

I had a lot of cramping yesterday afternoon and some today, but nothing too bad.  I am not sure whether to take it easy or go about my life as usual.  I keep thinking "there could be a baby in there."  I know that I just have to live my life (and try to stay distracted) for the next two weeks, but damn is it hard.  For now, we are 1 day down and 13 to go in our TWW.  Here's hoping!!! :)

Friday, December 9, 2011

Now is the right time

I just started reading a new blog this morning.  In it she said that she bought a magnet that said "now is the right time."  Just those words made me get a little weepy.  Today is our day!  Our appointment of the IUI is in one hour and I am so excited.  I feel nervous, but I guess there is nothing to worry about.  Bring on the two week wait!!! :)

Keep us in mind today!

Ashley and I will be going to have our first IUI later today and we'd appreciate all the good vibes we can get!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Waiting for our 4th.

Any day now Ashley's going to be perched on a doctor's table waiting for our 4th chance at having a baby.  Any day.  I'm excited to get the ball rolling and start on our two week wait, which is strange since that's usually a stressful period.  For whatever reason, I'm not stressed.  My hopes are up and I'm thinking good thoughts.

I'll be heading down south to visit my family this weekend (if all goes well--if Ashley doesn't start ovulating until Saturday, I'll wait and go with her to the dr.) which is super exciting.  I haven't been home or seen my mother and brother for a year.  That includes my nieces, too.  One of which is 5 years old, Peyton, and knows me well enough to recognize me and get excited to see me.  The other, Kaileigh, is only 2 years old and really doesn't have much of a clue about who I am.  That's a little sad, but I'm looking forward to meeting her again.

This trip, I have a feeling, is going to make the waiting a little more difficult for Ashley because I won't be here to play distraction.  I'm hoping, though, that having a doctor involved can take at least some of the stress out of this situation.  I guess we'll find out shortly.

Oh... also I woke up this morning with pink eye.  Delicious.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Feeling a little sensitive

No big news to report today, but I felt like writing a little bit cause I am feeling a little peeved.  Today my boss said something to me about craving sweets and asked me if I crave sweets.  I said not really and he told me "oh, well, I can help you get rid of any cravings that you have."  He then went on to explain that he could help me fix this or that and "what do you think your issue has been with weight maintenance."  Stress, it's stress!

Back story... I manage a weight loss program for a doctor.  I am not sure if I have mentioned that before, but that is my "grown up" job.  Anyway, I have been really self-conscious for the last eight or nine months because I have gained about 30 pounds.  The problem with this is that I have to talk to people all the time about how great our weight loss plan is and meanwhile I look like a stuffed sausage. My boss hadn't really said anything to me about it until the last few weeks.  Recently he has been dropping hints left and right about my weight.  Now, I am already sensitive about my weight, but having my boss saying things insinuating that I am getting a little beefy really upsets me.  I keep thinking that I should start the weight loss plan that we offer at my work, but I know that when I am trying to get pregnant it is a really bad idea.  So for now I just have to pretend that I don't want to completely freak out at my boss.

For the record, I do really like my boss.  He has taught me a lot and I am a much healthier and happier person because I had this job opportunity.  I am just feeling a little sensitive today.  Anyway, hope everyone is having a good Tuesday!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 11- Ultrasound day

We went in for our follicle check today and everything looked good.  I had one dominant follicle that was 15mm and then a bunch more that were relatively small (7, 8, 9mm each).  I was a little disappointed because I expected to have 50 giant follicles, but I guess my expectations were a little unrealistic (no, not me).  We spoke with a doctor about the ultrasound and he seemed to think that I would have the IUI on either Friday or Saturday.  I am betting on Thursday or Friday.  Kristen and I didn't like that doctor quite as much as our regular doctor.  He had his "serious face" on the whole time which never makes things more comfortable.

At this point Thursday or Friday (or Saturday) can't come soon enough.  I am anxiously awaiting our first IUI and hopefully our first BFP.  I feel a little less sure about this month now that I know that there aren't a gazillion follicles waiting for some dapper sperm to come along and make some magic... but do I really want to make room for multiples???  (The answer to that questions is not entirely)

In other news, we went to the Nutcracker yesterday and put our Christmas tree up.  It was a great day because we got to do a bunch of Christmas stuff... oh, and I even had a decaf pumpkin spice latte, yum!  I love spending Sundays with Kristen.  We never get to see one another during the week, so Sundays always seem like a special treat.

I guess that is all for today.  I hope everyone is doing well in baby making land!  Good luck all around!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Feeling better

I am pretty sure that the headache and nausea that I had for days 2 and 3 of the Clomid were unrelated.  I began to feel better yesterday and today I feel fine.  I slept for 12 hours on Sunday, Monday, and last night... clearly a virus.  Clomid is making me cry at silly things though.  I just had to go into storage to try to pull some patients' charts and almost burst into tears.  I was the one that put all of them in alphabetical order in bankers boxes to be put in storage.  Now there is no sign of any sort of alphabetical system... no way to find charts.  I gave up and took some deep breaths to avoid crying. 

I ordered our sperm yesterday.  Our order is scheduled to be at our doctor's office on Monday so hopefully I do not have some freak early ovulation this month.  I am convinced that we are going to be pregnant this month.  I am so excited and catch myself wanting to tell people... we haven't even done the IUI the yet.  It makes me incredibly nervous that I am getting so excited about it.  I really don't want to be devastated right at Christmas.  Not sure how to be cautiously optimistic... there should be workshops on that! 

Kristen leaves for Mississippi to visit her family on December 10th.  Again, I hope that our ovulation is not freakishly late this month because then Kristen will either have to miss the IUI or postpone her trip.  I was thinking about going with her to MS, but it throws everything off if I go.  Her mom smokes in the house, so we would have to find a different place to stay because I am a baby making machine (no second hand smoke for me).  Not only would we need a new place to stay, but her mom will get really upset if we don't stay there.  Even though I really wanted to see Kristen's nieces, Mamaw, and the rest of the family, it is best that I am staying home.  I can just sit at home by myself and obsess about whether I am pregnant or not. ;)

I am very excited for the Christmas season even though everything is very different this year.  My parents are separated so I am not sure how that is going to play out, but I feel like our family (Kristen, Banjo, and baby-to-be) is ready to make new traditions.  My favorite part of Christmas is feeling warm and cozy, singing Christmas carols, and decorating the tree... so we will do that and enjoy the season.  We are not buying gifts for anyone this year (except for maybe nieces and nephews) because we are dedicating every extra penny we own to the baby making process.  For me, that is not a problem... I am not really into the whole gift thing.  I am so looking forward to waking up Christmas morning and enjoying a hot cup of coffee (decaf) in front of the Christmas tree with Banjo and Kristen.

I guess that is all from me (now that I am sobbing at my desk at work).  Holy Clomid!!!  Happy Holidays and baby making to everyone! :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


As much as I want to say that the Clomid is not impacting my life, it is.  I really wanted to be the one person that did not experience any of the nasty side effects.  I am not grouchy, I just cry at the drop of a hat, have major hot flashes, a migraine, and nausea.  I can't wait until Friday because I will be able to stop taking it.  This morning I actually contemplated not taking it because I felt so gross last night.  Boo!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Finally home

I had a wonderful time with my nephews over the weekend.  They are absolutely adorable and I really love playing with them, cuddling, and teaching them new things.  I am very grateful that I went.  The trip was altogether a success.  No major fighting with my parents until the ride home... I consider that a big accomplishment.  My brother and sister-in-law were a lot of fun to hang out with and I am happy that I was able to spend time with them.  Both of them are growing up and starting to be a little less self-centered which makes spending time with them much more enjoyable. 

On the baby front... I started Clomid yesterday.  I am not sure if it is just power of suggestion or the real thing, but I have been a bit emotional.  I got pulled over on the way home yesterday and got a $110 speeding ticket (in my defense my father was yelling at me for hours before that I was going too slow).  I almost burst into tears after the cop walked away because all I could think about was that the $110 is going to have to come out of the baby making fund.  My dad ended up saying he was going to pay for the ticket because he shouldn't have been telling me to go so fast on a holiday weekend. :) 

Sorry... back to baby making.  I am on day two of Clomid and everything seems ok.  I cried a little bit this morning, but I can't really tell that my emotions are worse than normal.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Monday to check my follicles.  Our doctor isn't available that day, so we will meet with someone else after the ultrasound, but I am pretty sure that our doctor is going to be the one doing the IUI.  I really like her, so hopefully that is the case.

The crying jag this morning was a little annoying.  I am just really worried about money.  I know it would never happen, but I worry that at the end of this Kristen is going to be mad at me for our spending for something that I wanted.  I know that we both want to have a baby and that we are in this together financially, I just worry that she may resent me if it doesn't work.  I know this is a very silly worry (especially knowing Kristen), but I am a little gun shy.   These feelings come from a past relationship and I just can't shake all of the baggage.

My mom picked out and bought an FAO Schwartz crib set over the weekend.  It was on sale and she thought it would be one that we liked.  Both Kristen and I like it, but it kind of stinks because we both wanted to pick it out together.  I would return it so we could shop together for one, but I don't think we will find one we like better, plus the price was right! 

I suppose that is all from me today. Best of luck to everyone TTC and those that are pregnant too.  Hope you all had a Thanksgiving filled with love, warmth, and full bellies! :)

Monday, November 21, 2011

Giving thanks

I am having second thoughts about my Thanksgiving plans.  My mother is having a very hard time emotionally right now and she is soooo mad at my father because he seems to be "moving on."  To clarify, this does not mean a new girlfriend, this means he has joined a church and is doing outreach programs.  My mother is jealous of church outreach programs... yeah.  So, I am getting extremely anxious about the prospect of driving to Ohio on Wednesday morning (into a storm coming from the Ohio River Valley) with my parents.  Family trips are incredibly stressful under good conditions, so stormy weather and constant hostility seem like a little more than I would like to sign up for.

I really want to see my nephews as it has been almost a year since the last time I saw them, but I am not sure this is the best time to go.  Maybe Kristen and I can go out for a long weekend sometime.  Additionally, my mother is very critical of my sister-in-law (despite the fact that they are also best buddies).  My sister-in-law has less than desirable parenting skills (screaming ninny) so they tend to butt heads on that.  I typically have all I can do to keep my mouth shut too... I mean, I am not the coolest headed person, but I am still able to keep myself from yelling at two year olds for getting their cookie crumbs on the floor.

Wow, this post sounds like I have the most unstable, undesirable family out there.  I wish I had started blogging a year ago because things were a lot less messed up.  Anyway, I will let you know what I decide to do for Turkey Day.  Happy Monday!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Ready to get started

We went to my appointment with the OB yesterday to meet her and get ready to start IUI.  She was super nice and she is very straight forward.  Throughout the appointment she was talking about "we will do this, and do that, and keep going til you are pregnant..."  I could see the dollar signs in Kristen's eyes and her face losing all color.  When we left the appointment she said, "how are we going to pay for all of this?"  I really don't know, but at this point, we need to figure it out.  We both have some savings and we could put it on credit cards or take out a loan, but Kristen is very concerned about going into debt.  So, we need to work all of the money stuff out.

Other than money concerns, the appointment went great!  Our doc said that my uterus and ovaries look/feel fine and that all of my blood work is good as well.  She is having me start Clomid on day 2 or 3 of my cycle to increase our chances at getting pregnant quickly.  I told her that I want to give this the best possible shot, so Clomid it is.  Hopefully I do not have any mood swings or anything as I will be in Ohio with my parents (yes, the separated ones) and my brother and sister-in-law (who I don't always get along with).  Kristen can't come because she has to work, so there isn't even going to be a buffer.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed that the Clomid Monster is on holiday!

So, we will have our first IUI (try #4 at getting pregnant) sometime the second week of December.  I am really looking forward to it.  I am also really excited to have an ultrasound before the IUI because then I am sure that there are follicles there... cut out some of the guess work. 

I guess that is all for today.  I may think of more to say later, but for now I have to go babysit.  I need all the money I can get! ;)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Meeting with our Doc.

Today Ashley and I got to meet with the woman who'll be assisting us with getting pregnant and I think she's pretty great.  The first impression was positive and Ashley seemed to vibe well with her.  Essentially that's all today was about, and to discuss our options going forward.  I have to admit that I when we left my eyes were about to bug out of my head because of all the costs adding up.  I try my best not to worry about those things because I know we can make it happen, but it still takes a while to stink in and for me to figure out how exactly I can make it happen.

At any rate, Ashley seemed really excited after our meeting.  I couldn't decide if it was because she likes the doctor or because there will be a little better chance of us getting pregnant with her than alone.  Maybe both. 

Just a few more weeks to go before we make try #4, IUI try #1.  Please send us positive vibes!

Until next time,

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I've been a little MIA

As far as blogging goes, I've been missing.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm not missing in this whole adventure.  As the "other mother" it's hard to feel as though my worries, my concerns, my stresses are quite as important or significant as Ashley's.

We're waiting for our appointment with this doctor Ashley found.  I'm kind of excited to go in and meet this person, which seems weird.  I mean, it's not like this doctor will determine the outcome for us, but it feels like a positive step forward.  One step closer to pregnancy.

As for me and my things, I am currently on the downward slope of my first semester at grad school.  I'm currently looking at finishing my classes with better grades than I've ever had and because of that I'm being taken off "conditional" enrollment status.  When I was accepted it was deemed "conditional" until I proved myself, I guess, due to my GPA being .01% below the university's acceptable limit, and because I didn't have any experience in the field.  Yada, yada.  Now I'm a real student, yay!

Living with Ashley's mom has been fine for me.  I really have very few complaints and the ones I do have are just because I am easily annoyed by some things, like not being able to take a shower when I normally do.  It's silly but it bugs me.  Any other downsides to living here have nothing to do with the fact that we're living with Ashley's mom but more that we're living so far from the city.  I went into town a week or so ago and just felt a strong pull back.  A longing to walk around and peek into shops or just to walk Banjo down to the pet store for a bone.  Missing town like that coupled with the fact that we haven't saved nearly as much, so far, as we thought we might makes us both wonder whether it's worth it or not to live this far out from our jobs and our love for the city.

So, Ashley called me at 8:30 this morning to "wake me up" but also to tell me that her mom has been thinking of leaving the house and renting it out to a family.  We would get our own shower installed (we currently use one inside the main house) and wouldn't have to go into the main house anymore.  There are downsides to this idea though, and Ashley and I began discussing whether it we should stay through this or not.  The reality of it is that we're both just missing Portland.

I don't know.  I think I'd be happy to move back.  I just also think we might go broke if we do.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Nothing new....

We have made no real progress toward making a baby lately.  We are currently in a holding pattern, waiting for our doctor's appointment on Friday.  I am really excited to get the ball rolling and be able to try to get pregnant in December.

Yesterday I was thinking about how this whole process has affected me.  I have found that it definitely brings all of the emotional scars to the forefront.  I am having to deal with a lot of things that I haven't thought much about for years.  It is like God or whatever divine entity is out there makes you deal with your demons before bringing a new life into this world.  Yesterday Kristen asked me if I will be happy once I am pregnant.  That is what spurred my thoughts about how difficult this journey has been.  I think that this process has been such a challenge, but I also believe that we will both be much better people for it.

I have found so much relief in acupuncture lately.  It has been so liberating to feel more relaxed and peaceful.  My acupuncturist tells me that when I get upset I need to think "does this serve me and my future baby?"  That one question has made such a difference for me.  Most things that I worry about are not mine to stress over or change... what an amazing realization.

I got some blood test results back last week.  It was hormone levels.  I had my boss order them for me so that I had an idea whether there was something wrong with my reproductive organs or not.  They came back perfect!  So grateful to know that we do not have the cards stacked against us.

I guess that is it from me for tonight.  I hope everyone is doing well in their quest for a family. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Appointment made!

The nurse from the OB's office called today.  She asked some questions about whether or not we have tried IUI before, whether I am tracking ovulation, blah, blah, blah.  The end result is that we got an appointment for November 18th and she said that we will be able to inseminate next cycle.  So, that means that a little over a month from now we will be doing our first IUI.  I am a little nervous, but super excited.  The upside (and downside) is that our two week wait will be up right around Christmas... it will either be the best Christmas present ever or make Christmas a little bittersweet.  I am not going to get my hopes up too much for the first try, but I am really looking forward to it. 

I am feeling much better now that I know that we are headed in the right direction.  Everything seemed static for a while which made it difficult to stay positive.  Really hoping our favorite donor becomes available before the end of this month. :)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Still waiting

Last Monday I called for an appointment at the OB's office that does insemination and IVF.  They make you transfer your medical records and have a nurse look them over prior to scheduling an appointment.  So, last Monday I dropped the paper off at my doctor's office to have my records sent.  On Thursday I had to call the doctor's office to get a prescription for medicine for pink eye (occupational hazard).  During that phone call I asked the receptionist if my records had been sent yet and she said 'yes, they are long gone.'  Fast forward to this past Monday... I called the OB's office and they said that they had just received the records and that I would probably get a call by the end of the week to schedule.  When I had called originally they said that they are booking about two months out for new patients.  I have now waited almost two weeks just trying to book an appointment.  By the time I get in with these people my eggs will be old (jk)!!!

In other news, I am really enjoying acupuncture.  It is helping me to be a little less tightly wound and hopefully it will eventually help us get pregnant.  These last six months have been really difficult emotionally (baby making, parents' separation, moving to my mother's, etc.) so I am just trying to find some sort of serenity in my life.  I think acupuncture may have been just the thing. 

One thing I am getting a little concerned about is that I have gained like 25 pounds in the last six months.  I know that is the worst thing you can do when you are trying to get pregnant, but the stress has been less than kind to my body.  I am hopeful that the acupuncture will be helpful.  I am also thinking that once this semester is over I will start going to yoga again... and maybe the gym. 

Anyway, I guess that is all for now.  Best of luck to all of you baby makers out there. :)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


 I went for my first acupuncture treatment today.  I think it was much needed.  I really need to find some sort of balance in my life.  The guy asked me about how I breathe... I haven't really thought about it much lately, but I am a sucky breather!  My homework is to try to remind myself to breathe and try not to take such shallow breaths.  I really needed this.  I am already feeling about 50% better... during these next two weeks (or six weeks depending on when our next insemination is) are all about trying to ground myself a little more.  I need to slow down and remember not to take on other peoples' stuff.  Breathe...

By the way, Kristen just baked a chicken and she asked if I was typing about how good she is at cooking chicken.  I replied no, but I am just going to tell all of you that she is the chicken cooking master. :)


Living life two weeks at a time

This has been a tough week.  I guess this whole process is tough and I just need to get used to it.  I am not sure exactly how to do that though.  It feels like I am so completely weak because I cannot just dust myself off and move on each time without a giant melt down.  Part of me wonders why we are even doing this, and then I remember that there is a happy ending… just not necessarily right away.  I have never been super patient, but this has definitely proven that patience is not a virtue that I possess.

Like Kristen said, I really feel isolated in this whole thing.  She is supportive and kind and I really couldn’t ask for a better partner, but this is a process that is somewhat one-sided.  I guess I just need to feel like someone else knows what is happening with my body or try to give me suggestions.  How did everyone else get through this?


Feelings, feelings, so many feelings.

Another negative.

We're on to Plan B.  Ashley's done a lot of research and found a place that will assist us with IUI without requiring a meeting with a social worker and who also will not charge us absorbent amounts of money.  Because that's just something we don't have.  Ashley doesn't have insurance to cover the appointments either, so it's all out of pocket.  The first time around will be the most expensive, but we're preparing for it.  Right now, however, we're in a holding pattern.  The office Ashley contacted said they can't make an appointment with us until they receive her medical records and--from personal experience--that can be a long painful process.  When Ashley asked for her records to be sent over, however, the lady she spoke with said she'd take care of it herself.  Let's hope she does because I don't think we can wait two months before we get in for a preliminary visit.

It's been a tough few days for us here.  Ashley has been really sad and I have been feeling pretty helpless.  Other than the people who read our blog and comment to us or people who are on the donor forums, we don't know anyone who has gone through this process.  For Ashley, this is really tough.  Last night it became painfully obvious to me that even though we check in with each other and discuss our options and what we think the outcome might be, there are things she doesn't share with me because she feels like she can't.  And maybe she can't.  Maybe I don't understand--well, no, I don't understand.  I don't know what it's like to check my temperature every morning.  I don't know what it's like to watch everything I eat in preparation to be pregnant...

I don't know what it's like, even though I'm experiencing it right along with her.

So Ashley's feeling isolated.  And I'm feeling isolated.  And we're alone together, but totally alone.  Not that this directly relates, but when I was in France I had a conversation with my host sister about life and love.  She said to me that we're always searching for someone to be with so that we won't experience this life alone.  Then she said, "But we are alone.  We are always alone."  I felt that way until I met Ashley.  With her, I don't feel alone at all.  There are times, of course, where I feel alone in my opinions, but not in this life.  Last night, however, I felt like there was a clear line dividing us from one another.  Despite how hard I held her, there was a part of her that was far away.

I don't blame her.  I know how badly she wants this to happen.  I just wish that I could help it not hurt so much when it doesn't happen.  I want to secure our chance to become parents.  A few weeks ago as we began talking about IUI with a doctor, I found myself contemplating maxing credit cards in order to be able to do this.  I found myself willing to do whatever I could.  If money weren't an issue, if we had insurance, if things were different we could have started this a long time ago.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to doing IUI because I feel like the chances are up just enough that will make the difference.  Let's hope so.  Send us good vibes, please, that we get into this doctor soon and that we see success.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Next step

After taking two pregnancy tests and seeing the "Not Pregnant" yet again, I am gearing up for Plan B.  I think I have found a OBGYN that does IUI and seems more supportive of our "lifestyle."  It is the practice that my PCP had recommended that I go to when we got pregnant, but of course it happened to be the last place I called (duh, Ashley!).  It was so nice to speak with someone on the phone that didn't automatically say "you and your husband" or tell me that I needed to see a social worker.  The woman was actually kind, supportive, and didn't seem taken aback by the fact that "my partner and I are using donor sperm."  Maybe the fact that we live in Maine makes a difference, but I truly didn't think it would be this difficult to find a place that felt comfortable for me. 

Kristen and I have talked about the additional cost and figured out that we may have to try every other month or every few months.  However, the practice that we are going to use has a 30% discount for people who do not have insurance or their insurance doesn't cover stuff.  That will help a lot!

As much as I was expecting to see the "Not Pregnant," it still hurt.  I don't think there is ever a time that you don't feel the blow of those simple words.  How do you not feel as if you have lost something?  I guess eventually I will get pregnant and forget all about this, but for now I feel a little beat up and bruised.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011


I am very frustrated and grouchy this week.  I feel like this whole baby thing is unattainable.  My insurance doesn't cover anything unless I have a diagnosed illness (oh, I do get one well women visit a year).  So, I can't have a ton of testing done unless we pay for it out of pocket.  Meanwhile, Kristen has great health insurance, but because I am not married to her (and cannot be legally married to her in the state of ME), I cannot go on her insurance.  Maybe we are jumping the gun and trying to get pregnant too soon (financially), but I feel like waiting until my eggs are older just sets us up for more issues.  Where do we go from here?

Now that we have started this process, the idea of taking time off is extremely difficult.  I feel like it is admitting defeat or something.  I definitely have found some flaws in my personality through this whole process.  I am impatient and a super perfectionist.  I guess I knew these things before, but they are sure coming out now.  I would hate to think about what it would be like on Clomid!  I am not sure Kristen would stick around for that. ;) 

Anyway, I suppose I should get back to work.  I am having a hard time focusing today.  I hope everyone is having a good day and I am sending some baby dust your way.


Friday, October 14, 2011

Try number 3...

October 2nd was our 3rd anniversary and I hoped that this month would be a lucky one for us.  While we do not yet know if we're pregnant, I'm already feeling defeated.  This at-home baby-making is complicated.  There's so much that you have to chart and process.  I definitely have the easier end of the job because Ashley charts her ovulation and checks her mucus and all that.  I basically just assist in the fun part.

This time around, though, Ashley had me take a more active role in trying to pinpoint ovulation (which is no easy task, especially for a novice).  I checked a few times but I never really know what I'm looking for--I haven't studied those things, she has.  So this time around I felt a lot less adequate at the whole thing.

Ashley asked about doing IUI at home which involves a catheter right to the uterus which sounds terribly freighting.  She says I should try and study up on it and maybe attempt it, but I think it's a little too clinical for me.

All of this is a result of the fact that we're not 100% sure we hit her ovulation in time.  Again.  Yeah--well, it's not the easiest thing to time.  So of course we're both prematurely depressed at the thought that our TWW is going to result in another negative reading.  Ashley's been researching REs and I've been considering this Travis fella for a number of reasons, namely that it's FREE and that sperm lives much longer when it's not frozen.  These are the two big aspects in favor of asking Travis to assist us.  There are also many downsides.  The one on my mind right now is that we'd have to get a lawyer involved much earlier than if we used an anonymous donor.

There are a lot of things going on in our minds and all before we even know if we have to worry.  But there have been a number of people around us lately saying things like, "getting pregnant takes a long time."  Feel like it's some sort of sign.  Conversely, my co-worker just had a baby (with the same name I'd like to give my son--leading Ashley to consider VETOing it! Boo!), some friends from college just announced their pregnancy (IVF after 2.5 years of trying IUI), and another friend just gave birth.  Could that not be some kind of sign too?

Anyway, I'm not going to mope around until I know for sure.  Ashley mentioned our trip into nature last weekend and, as soon as I'm at my own computer, I'll post a picture or two.

Until next time,

Thursday, October 13, 2011

How can they do that?

Even though we are in our two week wait, I am looking around at different reproductive clinics to try to find a place to do IUI next month.  It was only our third ICI (and we don't even know if it worked or not), but it is probably time to have a doctor help with this process. 

So, I just called reproductive clinic in our area and asked about the associated fees.  First off, they require a bunch of blood work and a first office visit... understandable.  After that, the cost seems a little crazy.  They said that you need to have an X-ray of your uterus.  Now, for anyone that knows me, you know that I am TOTALLY organic and avoid anything that may be potentially harmful to me (or my children) in the future.  I avoid things like X-rays like the plague... now why would I want to expose my baby making region to harmful electromagnetic rays???  Call me crazy, but that seems a little counter productive. 

Next, they told me that if we planned on using donor sperm that we would need to go see a social worker for an evaluation before you can proceed.  Is this normal procedure for all clinics?  Kristen and I have spent a lot of time weighing out options, talking to my primary care doctor, friends and family.  Now I have to qualify my decision with a professional???  So, I got off the phone and cried a little bit.  I just feel like there are a million obstacles put up in front of us.  We will be good, loving parents so why do I need to prove myself time and time again when there are so many people that have children that they never even wanted???  I feel a little defeated today.  I guess I should just relax a little bit and wait to see if I am even pregnant before I freak out completely. :)

On a much happier note... Kristen, Banjo (our dog), and I went away over Columbus Day weekend.  It was so awesome because the foliage was beautiful; we got to relax, and had some hiking adventures.  Every time I have the opportunity to spend time with Kristen, I fall in love with her all over.  It sounds corny, but we rarely see each other, so I feel like it is important that I feel so in love when we do get to hang out.  Banjo had the best time ever.  He loves to be in the woods, so being at a camp near a river (that he wouldn't stop playing in) and going hiking was the best!  I am really happy that we had the chance to do that. 

I have had a couple really weird dreams this week... I hope that means that we are pregnant.  I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up this time.  It feels like a major loss each time it doesn't work so I have to remain as level headed as possible. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Looking back

Now that I have my ovulation charts from the last eight months, I can see why we didn't get pregnant previously.  I totally jumped the gun!  I have this intense fear that I am going to miss my ovulation entirely and use the sperm when it is completely useless.  I know that I ovulate on Day 15, but I really can't help myself when it comes to thinking that it is coming early.  Today is Day 11 and I already had that "oh no, I think I am ovulating" feeling.  I know it is just me being neurotic, but it is incredibly difficult not to be.  I told Kristen not to let me even talk about inseminating before Monday.  Let's see if I can hold out (or she can hold me back). 

One super exciting thing... we are going away this weekend!  It always seems like we take a lot of vacations, but I am pretty sure that we need all of them.  We are going up to a camp that my friend owns near Sugarloaf (ski resort).  I guess they have scenic chairlift rides, ziplines, hiking, etc.  It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend, so I can't wait!  We will be able to try to make a baby while we are away too so maybe the low stress will be helpful. 

Hope everyone is doing well in their quest to become parents!  Here's hoping that our weekend away will prove successful on the baby front!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A few quick thoughts.

It's just before 11pm and I don't want to sleep.  Sometimes I feel as though the hours in the day are stolen from me.  So I try to steal them back at night.  The problem here is, of course, Ashley's asleep and I am usually too tired to do anything productive (that's also quiet), so I just screw around online until the point that I will wake up tired in the morning.  Ha.  It is a vicious cycle, but I continue to fight!  Occasionally, it feels worth the battle.

Ashley mentioned something recently about finding information on home births--which I see she wrote about in her last post--but we haven't really had a minute to discuss.  As she said, it's something I'm pretty strongly against not because I think it's a hippie idea or anything but because I would beat myself up if anything went wrong.  A midwife is something I can wrap my head around, but home birthing?  It's going to take a lot.

I gave blood today, as Ashley says, "Because I was bored."  I was sort of stranded in town after a Dr's appointment that went much shorter than I had expected and while I had tried to do homework it wasn't working.  So, I decided to head to campus early.  On my way down I realized it was the day the school was hosting a blood drive.  I've only donated once before but I think it's a good thing to do when/if you can, so I decided that's what I was going to do with the hour I had before class.

Now, the problem with this quickly laid plan of mine was that I hadn't planned at all.  I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I hadn't had a thing to drink other than coffee AND I didn't have an appointment.  So I walked into the office and told the woman, "I don't have an appointment and I have class in an hour; if I can get this done and over with by then, I'm in."  She initially told me it would be a waste of my time, but I told her I could either read in the library or read right there and she told me to have a seat.  After all that, it wasn't long before I was signing things, chugging water, shoving a piece of pizza into my face and answering fun questions about sex and drugs.

So I made it.  I did it.  That was my "something to contribute" for the day (which was almost literally true as I could barely formulate sentences in class).  It felt good.  Felt like something I needed to do, somehow, which I can't really explain.  Perhaps that's a residual feeling from a loss of blood.

Today was also a sick day for Ashley.  She stayed home with a bit of the "ick" and slept a lot.  Felt kind of lame to have so much time and not be able to spend it with her, but that's just where we are right now.  A lot of "hi/bye" time and very little lounging around or making dinner together.  Still, it gives me a reason to look forward to Sundays.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Work, school, sleep, repeat...

Kristen mentioned how busy we are lately and I can't help but wonder when things are going to slow down.  I am working 40-45 hours a week, taking 10 credits at school, and trying to manage the rest of my life on top of that.  I feel a little frustrated right now because it seems like I just trudge through the week and wait for one day to relax and see my beautiful girlfriend.  I am keeping my eyes on the prize... just need to finish this semester and then I will take the spring semester off.  Originally I was going to take the spring off because I was hoping to be pregnant and due sometime during the spring, but now, I see that it is just a MUCH NEEDED break. 

I have been working hard this week at meditating on being pregnant.  I am trying to take the advice of the guy at Whole Foods because I feel like it can't hurt!  I am really looking forward to trying again this month.  October is an important month for us (our anniversary) so I am going to hope that it becomes even more special.  I love my life with Kristen (even though we are busy and don't really see each other), but I am so excited to bring a new life into our home.

This week I was looking into midwifery and home births. Kristen is kind of against the idea of a home birth, but there is something about the safety and comfort of your own home that is appealing.  To be able to sleep in my own bed with Kristen and our newborn baby sounds like heaven.  I am hoping that I can convince Kristen that it is a viable option.  We shall see... I guess we have plenty of time to explore our options.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Quiet voices

It's been a little while since I've really made a mark here (given the little technically goof a while ago), but I'm going to try to make up for that today.

As Ashley has mentioned, it's been an interesting few weeks with the emergence of a willing donor and the question of "will we be able to do this again next month" following close behind us.  I'm not sure how I feel about Travis but I'm trying to keep him in the back of my mind.  To be able to do something like that would take great effort on my part not to think too deeply about the situation.  It took a little while for me to come around to the idea of using a donor in the first place--accepting that I physically cannot do the job myself.  With Travis being someone I would have to meet face-to-face, I worry how I'd handle it.

That being said, we're not using Travis.  At least not this time around.  Instead we've chosen a third anonymous donor (I wish they'd stop selling out! :( ) and will be giving it another shot next month.  And, ya know, I'm taking the advice of the hippie from Whole Foods and imagining our reality--Ashley, Banjo, baby and me.

I am terrified, though.  I'm sure I've mentioned being terrified before, but I think it's important to know that feeling hasn't faded.  In fact, with school and even less time on my hands than before it's likely that I am a little more worried now than I was before.  I started school two weeks ago and haven't had much opportunity to just space out, relax or take a break, really (except Sundays which are the only days Ashley and I have together).  I've been stuck to books, Banjo, or work.  Adding a baby to that mix kind of makes my heart skip a beat and rightly so because babies take a lot of time, love, and energy.  Terrifying is what it's supposed to be.  Besides, two years ago today I was probably giving myself the same excuse of "I have no time" in order not to do something else.  It can be done and as long as the universe and Ashley's body are on board... it will be done.  Hopefully soon. I can't wait for the day that we get to say we've made a baby together.

As far as everything else goes, we've been living at Ashley's parents house for roughly three weeks now and all it well.  It worked out much better than I was worried it would.  The only complaint I have is that there are less places for Banjo and I to go for walks in the woods.  I have to take him to the beach or drive out 15-20 minutes away to walk through some blueberry fields (and like I said, time is an issue!).

Monday, September 19, 2011

Imagine your experience

I went to Whole Foods yesterday to pick up a supplement that I am taking to help me get pregnant.  I asked a guy for help because they were out of the tincture that I usually get.  He recommended some capsules and then started talking about seeing results soon.  I told him that I wouldn't really know if it worked unless I got pregnant.  His response???  "The best thing that I have found for getting pregnant is imagining you are pregnant.  In the universe you are already pregnant, you just need to believe your experience and you will be pregnant."  He went on about that for a good few minutes.  I thanked him and we went on our way.  So, there is a part of we that thinks "whoa, crazy hippie" and another part of me that wants to believe that getting pregnant is all a frame of mind.  I mean, I can meditate on getting pregnant if that is going to make the difference.

Alright, just figured I would share that little tidbit with everyone out there in baby land.  I have three babies that are all waking up from naps right now, so I have gotta run. :)



Thursday, September 15, 2011


First off, let me start by saying that I am excited for everyone that I know (in real life or in blog land) that is pregnant.  Recently it seems that EVERYONE (literally) is pregnant.  My mother has eight day care parents that are having their second babies within the next few months.  This means that I will have eight new babies to care for at some point in the next year.  The only problem with that… where is the ninth???  I want us to get pregnant so bad, but what if it just doesn’t work???  It is so exciting to hear about peoples’ pregnancies, see ultrasound pics, and get wrapped up in their joy, but it is difficult to see all of it and not feel a little sadness too.

Last night I was talking to my mother about how we are going to probably use sperm from the cryobank again in October.  I know we have a “real life” donor, but I don’t know how I feel about it and don’t want to rush making that decision.  My mom was telling me how it seems like a big waste of money when sperm just flows freely.  I know that is her opinion and that she is just looking out for my best interest, but it really hurts my feelings.  I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does every time. 

I feel like it is completely unfair that I need to even seek out means to create a family.  So many people that are not prepared or don’t want children get pregnant every day and we can’t just have it happen.  I know that we only tried twice but it doesn’t matter, still feels like it is a major fail.  I feel this intense full-body need to be pregnant and no matter how much I will it to happen, it doesn’t mean that it is going to come to fruition. 

Alright, now that I have rambled on and spewed my “negative nelly” attitude all over the place, I guess I should get back to work.  I do have faith that we will get pregnant.  I also know that everything will fall into place when the universe (or God, Allah, etc.) thinks it is best.  Kristen and I will be amazing parents but for now I just need to work on practicing patience. 

Oh, side note… Kristen had a little tiff with her mom last night.  It is difficult to hear about their arguments because it just makes me incredibly angry at her mother.  Anyway, last night her mother said something about how we can send our child to stay with her for a few weeks in the summers (she lives in Mississippi and we live in Maine).  That would be ok except that she is disabled and has a hard time preparing meals for herself, getting to the doctors, etc.  She also will go to sleep for days at a time then stay up for days at a time.  In addition, she chain smokes in the house with the windows closed and is unable to keep the house clean due to her disabilities.  All of those factors make it incredibly difficult for me to consider allowing our child to stay there with us (let alone without us).  So, Kristen told her mom that the baby couldn’t stay there due to her smoking in the house.  Her mother’s response… “There is no proof that second hand smoke causes any long term effects.”  Really???  I told Kristen to tell her mother that if she could find three reliable medical sources to support her argument, then I would consider her point.  I am pretty sure that in 2011 there is not one doctor on earth that could give her any information that would remotely support her argument.  The end result was that she hung up on Kristen and left her really upset.  I don’t understand why she has to be so irrational sometimes.  I mean, whether second hand smoke is or is not harmful to our child’s health, we are still the parents and have the right to decide whether we want our child exposed to that.  I get really sad for Kristen sometimes.  I know that she loves her mother, but I also know that it is really difficult to deal with her sometimes.  I think that I am lucky that Kristen was born to her mother because it made her an incredibly patient person (not everyone would put up with my neuroses).  I hope that someday her mother can look at things from a different perspective and appreciate that her wishes/will are not the only ones to be considered.  It would make Kristen happier and certainly give her mother less anxiety.   

Ok, now I am really done!  Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


What a wild month!  Moving always throws me for a loop, but I think we are finally settling in.  I was really sad that we couldn’t try for a baby this month, but there was also a feeling of relief.  Knowing that we were flat broke; shelling out $700 for sperm seemed completely insane.  We really needed to give it a few weeks and let a few paychecks roll in before we can try again. 

Over the weekend I went to a party for a family friend.  My mother has known her (Rose) since they were in elementary school and they are very close.  Anyway, Rose has two sons but no grandchildren.  One of her kids is in a relationship with a woman that already has two kids (that she doesn’t have custody of) and she can’t have any more kids.  The other son, Travis, is gay so he isn’t likely to have children any time soon.  So, my mom and Rose started talking about how they need to get some sperm from one of the boys to give to me so that they can both have grandchildren.  (Ok, if you didn’t already think my mom is crazy… now you do!)  I ended up telling Travis how our moms were totally nuts and plotting to make us procreate.  His reaction???  “I would do it.  I have always wondered what my kids would look like.  We would make really adorable babies”  Wow.  I wasn’t expecting that answer.  He told me to let him know if we wanted to use his swimmers to make a baby.  He said he wouldn’t want to raise a child, but if it was a girl he would want to buy it dresses (lol).  Anyway, Kristen and I have talked about it and we are still undecided about whether that would be an option for us, but we have a few weeks to figure out if continuing with a sperm bank is best for us.  Currently, both of our top two donors are still sold out.  Travis may be a better option than our third pick… who knows?!?! 

Totally unrelated… This is the third week of classes and I am already exhausted.  Moving really took a lot out of me and I just can’t seem to catch up on sleep.  Classes are interesting, but I am a little nervous about Chemistry.  I am notoriously bad with math, conversions, etc. so I am pretty sure that Chemistry will be the class that I get a B in.  Hopefully not, but I can’t be disappointed if my GPA drops after this semester.  I need to prepare myself for the worst.  My other two classes are fun and relatively easy.  I have had both of the professors before and I was prepared for the kind of work they would expect.  Additionally, both of those classes are writing intensive and have no exams… perfect for me!

That is all for today.  Hope everyone is having lots of luck in baby making land!


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Due to a bad connection...

Last week, I wrote quite a long message and thanks to a poor internet connection, I lost it all.  I'd love to recreate it for you now, but it just wouldn't be genuine.  Instead, I think I'm just going to hit on a few key points:
  1. I hate moving during hurricanes.  Aside from that, we accomplished a lot in a relatively short time.
  2. School has started and I still don't have notebooks.  At this point I wonder if I'll need any seeing as my classes are mainly discussion based and feed off of pure, raw, mindful emotion.
  3. Guilt has set in regarding our baby-making.  While I am excited for the process, I was worried about trying again this month.  Financially.  Regardless of the reason for my worries over this month, I felt guilt for not being excited.  Every time Ashley mentioned trying... I smiled and my heart kind of sunk a little.  That being said, I AM excited to have a baby.  I just want to make sure we can afford to live as well.
And that's my last post in a nutshell.  We've decided not to try this month which alleviated a lot of my concerns.  I've already been able to put a little more into savings than I thought I could manage.  By next month we should be comfortable enough to try again.  And I'm optimistic that next month is our month! There's a baby out there waiting for us just as we're waiting for him/her.

In other news, it's September and it already feels like fall.  Completely unacceptable.  I've already had pumpkin beer and coffee which I typically refuse to do until October.  Hm.

Keep warm out there.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Another month?

Kristen and I are in discussions about trying to get pregnant this month.  There are a couple of things to consider.  First, we are BROKE!!!  Having to buy a new car, moving, and a few other unexpected bills have really added up this month.  We are supposed to get our security deposit back from our old apartment soon, but do we want to use that for baby making??? 

Next, our top two donors are both sold out.  Our first pick should be available again in October, but for now, we are left with the third string.  The guy is great, but Kristen is concerned because both of his childhood photos are of him scowling.  She is afraid he has a bad disposition or even Aspergers or something.  Maybe we are both a little crazy, but just one of those little concerns. 

The flip side… I lose my health insurance at the end of August 2012.  I can get a new policy after that, but I don’t want to still be pregnant while I am trying to switch companies, etc.  So I really need to get pregnant in September or October in order to make that deadline.  Planning for this stuff is just so difficult. 

On a different note, we are all moved!  Our large studio apartment at my parents house is kind of a work in progress (needs a bathroom, stove, etc.), but eventually it will be really great.  My father is going to build two bedrooms upstairs as well, so that will give us a large bedroom and then a slightly smaller room for the baby.  Those rooms are supposed to be built in about six months which will hopefully be a few months before the baby is due (if we get pregnant). 

The actual moving process was a little stressful.  I am not very good at maintaining my sanity through things like this, so everyone around me ends up getting the shit end of the stick.  Saturday morning I was mad at Kristen because she had to work and I had to move with just my father.  So, after a few snide remarks back and forth, she asked to go into work late and I burst into tears because I was so grateful that she would be around for part of the day.  I love her!  On Sunday we lost power which was a real bummer.  Kristen was painting our new apartment so midway through; she was doing it with a headlamp on.  It came out great; especially considering she did most of it in the dark.  We have gotten some of our stuff unpacked in the last few days, but we will probably be living out of boxes for a while.  We are having a really hard time deciding where everything should go.   

Kristen and I both started classes this week.  She has two classes this semester (she is going for her masters in social work) and I have three classes (someday I will have a bachelor’s). J  I am really looking forward to this winter because I will be working primarily from home and will be taking the spring semester off; I need a little break. 

Well, I guess that is all for now.  We have had an incredibly busy summer.  Now, we just need to get the baby making back on track!!!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Not this time

My uterus continues to be babyless.  After taking three negative pregnancy tests and still not believing that I wasn’t pregnant, my period started today so I guess that is confirmation.  I was reading someone’s blog and she was saying that she convinces herself that she may be the person that still gets a period while pregnant.  YES!!!  Me too!!!  I mean, both of the times that we have tried to get pregnant, I have convinced myself of that.  Totally unrealistic, I know!

I have started thinking about our next ICI.  I am a little bit nervous because our first and second choice donors are sold out, so now we are moving down the list.  I guess it doesn’t matter that much (as long as I have a healthy baby), but having to rework the plan each time rattles me a bit.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that September is baby making month.  It seems like everyone else that is blogging gets pregnant on try number three (or after that), so I have to remember that I am right on schedule.  I had hoped for getting pregnant on the first try (as I am sure we all do), but reality is always a different beast altogether. 

We are gearing up for the big move this weekend.  Moving day is slated for the same day that Hurricane Irene hits us, so it should be interesting!

Today is a good day… not sure why I am feeling so optimistic, but things just seem to look brighter today.  I am glad I feel that way because the weather is a little wonky (severe thunder storms, torrential rain, etc.).  I am really grateful for the life that I have with Kristen and can’t wait to have a little bambino to add to our beautiful chaos!  

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Day 11

This morning I took a pregnancy test.  No such luck.  I guess I will try again in a day or two.  Even though I know that our timing was off and some of the swimmers “leaked” out, I still felt really disappointed when the little stick said “not pregnant.”  Boo!

Life has been insane lately.  Trying to figure out the moving situation has been the most challenging.  We have to be out of our apartment on September 1.  That is all well and fine except that we are moving in with my parents and there is no where for us to go at the moment.  Their pending separation has left everyone at a standstill… neither wants to move out and neither wants to stay, so they are just both living in the house together.  I am pretty sure that they are going to drive me crazy… like certifiable, bat-ass crazy!  My mom asked me the other day “do you think I am big and beautiful or full-figured.”  Yeah, she has joined match.com to see if she can find someone to spend time with.  Really???  Neither of them can decide who is going to leave and she is already looking for that special someone.  Wow!

Classes are done for the summer and I am pretty sure that I still have a 4.0.  I won’t know until grades are released on Monday.  Although, I would have had to get a 50% on my finals to bring my grade down to a B in either class.  I am so happy that the semester is done and I get a whole week off without classes.  I am pretty sure I will be bored and ready to start school again within a few days.

My boss has decided to close his practice and work from his home.  That will make it so I work exclusively from home (in addition to working at my mother’s daycare).  I am looking forward to being able to work in my pajamas and maybe take Banjo (our dog) for walks and trips to the beach.  I am so excited for the change (but it won’t be ‘til November). 

Another super exciting thing… I got a new car!  The car that I had was a 1997 Nissan Altima that was slowly dying.  In order to get it inspected this year, I would have had to get breaks, tires, fix the exhaust, and fix some other internal thing that caused the check engine light to come on.  Anyway, it was time to put that car to rest!  So, we ended up getting a 2007 Ford Escape.  It is great because Banjo has his own little place in the back to sleep and I don’t have to worry about him jumping on my lap because an evil motorcycle drives by… win, win situation!  The best part is that the dealership we went to gives a free apple pie with the purchase of a vehicle.  I have to say, Kristen and I were most excited about the pie! (Love the car though) J

I guess that is all for now.  I will write again in the next few days when I figure out the BFN or BFP situation.  Baby dust all around!


Sunday, August 7, 2011

Second try...

Today was our second try and I'm not sure how it went.  It started off with Ashley and I in fowl moods.  I was trying to soothe her because she was upset about possibly missing her ovulation, but it didn't go so well.  I always say things like, "It's okay if we missed it," "There's nothing we can do about it now," and "Let's check again in the morning."  Whatever I say isn't exactly what she wants to hear--namely because she's worried.  Maybe I don't worry enough?  From reading "The Other Mother" as well as others' blogs I am concerned that this may make Ashley feel like I'm not as connected to this whole thing.  Maybe I am supposed to flip out, too.  But, whether I flip out or don't, I don't want her ever feeling like a negative pregnancy test is a result of something she's done wrong.

How do you ace a pregnancy test?

Well, tonight we decided to give it a go.  Ashley had a positive ovulation reading this morning but tonight she didn't, which seems impossible to me since an ovulation cycle is something like 3-5 days long.  So after she went back and forth between waiting for the morning and trying tonight, we decided to try tonight.  And all was well until I removed the syringe and along with it came some of our donor sperm!  I cannot explain how utterly small I felt at that moment.  I basically burst into tears and fell down beside Ashley.

If it doesn't work this month, I won't be able to help believing that it was my fault for basically spilling our sperm!  Who does that!

To be fair to myself and this experience... it didn't all come out.  There's no way.  But when you have such a little amount at such a high cost you want every little bit of it to stay where it is supposed to be!  I'm going to try to maintain my optimistic outlook because... you never know, it only takes one fast swimmer, right?  Right.

Until next time...

Friday, August 5, 2011

Ashley says I need to write...

... and it's true.  I let this "time off" get the best of me.

Ashley and I just got back from vacation where we did our share of relaxing, for once.  The two of us don't see each other very often because our schedules are opposite and I work on Saturdays to boot.  Trust me, she loves this... about as much as I love washing silverware by hand.  Our vacation was great because we got to spend so much time together and after a few days we both came to realize that not getting pregnant in June was something of a gift.  If we had been pregnant we wouldn't have been as comfortable and free to do whatever on vacation since we'd be trying to protect a bambino.  I think that realization gave Ashley some closure on our first attempt.

Now we're back at work and ready to jump back into all things baby.  At first it was difficult because we've been arguing a lot lately and the last thing I want to talk about when I'm frustrated is what we're going to do about buying sperm.  But those little fights (about who knows what, anything from dishes to our schedules to sex) come and go.  Ashley spent a while looking into our first choice donor and found he's now unavailable which through a tiny wrench into our plans.  After she spent a few days of weeding out duds from our potential replacements, I suggested I come home after work one night, make mimosas, crawl into bed and we'd choose our donor.  And that's exactly what we did.

Choosing our donor the first time around was a real time and emotional investment for Ashley, I think, whereas for me this file we review is just a means of choosing a healthy baby.  Some physical things matter to me too, but mostly I have a moral issue with having so much control over who you chose. [We just sat down to drinks with our friends last week and talked about this and it's interesting that the divide was the same; one thinks buying pictures and etc is weird and the other thinks it's better to know what you're getting than be completely surprised.]  I guess I like the idea of being detached from this donor.  While he is significant to the life of our future child, I don't want to look into my baby's face and say, "Oh look, he's got donor2222's eyes."  Not that it's super important.

Whatever, I've sidetracked myself.

The point is that Ashley was excited about our first choice.  I think she's excited about our second choice as well, but it's clearly different this time.

I guess I'm just forever trying to maintain a sense of stability within our life together.  I don't want Ashley to fall into this spiraling depression because we don't get pregnant when we only have a 30% chance!  And getting pregnant isn't the only complicated thing we're dealing with here.  We have our move to her parent's house (yes, we're doing that), another semester of school for her, I'm beginning graduate school, she's having to play superhero between two jobs, and we hardly see each other.  Ashley is an amazing woman who really pushes herself to the end of the line and always holds strong, but when something pushes her off balance (like not getting pregnant in June), it's like a domino effect.  She then has to continue all the commitments she has and try not to fall apart.  That alone makes me worry.  Then again, I always play it safe.  I never take on more than I know for a fact that I can handle.  Getting pregnant for me is a gamble that I hope we get lucky with sooner than later and I wish it could be similar for her.

That being said, I know it's not similar for her.  Her body is involved, her hopes are high, she's working at being pregnant while I sit idly by waiting for a positive result.  I don't work at it and won't have to until our baby is born.  I guess this is just one of those things it's hard for me to connect with because her experience is so different from mine.

That's the emotional side but to move on, we bought our second round and it should be delivered in the next couple of days, I think.  I'm excited to try but terrified of the two week wait.  I think we really jumped the gun last time and I'd like to hold off for as long as possible this time around.  We're going to be packing up this month, getting ready to move an hour south, which might help us keep our minds off pregnancy tests but... you know how tempting it is!

Until next time,

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Try, try again...

What a crazy summer it has been.  My parents’ separation has been weird, stressful, and altogether tiresome.  My mother’s business (that I work for three days a week) has had a lot of problems recently.  And to top it all off my body has been attacking itself… I have psoriasis, so autoimmune issues are not entirely new to me, but in early July my dentist diagnosed a small spot in my mouth as erosive lichen planus.  I know that stress is a key contributor to autoimmune issues, but it is really hard not to be stressed with everything that is going on.  Luckily, the treatment seems to be working very well and the spot in my mouth is clearing up quickly.
            So, after taking one month off from trying to conceive, we are back in the game.  I am a little nervous about it because of everything that has been going on.  We also had to go through the process of picking a new donor this time around.  Our first choice is sold out until October.  Our second choice had three vials available but we just bought one.  Hopefully this time works so we don’t have to pick someone else next month.
            This month, there is a very different tone going into trying to make a baby.  I am less sure that it is going to happen and I am less committed to a time frame.  I had this idea that I would take one semester off from school (spring), have the baby in March, and then go back to school in September and everything would be perfect.  Life just doesn’t work like that and I should have known better.  Today, I am trying to be very conscious about thinking positive but being realistic.  I think I need to start meditating or something.