Quiet voices

It's been a little while since I've really made a mark here (given the little technically goof a while ago), but I'm going to try to make up for that today.

As Ashley has mentioned, it's been an interesting few weeks with the emergence of a willing donor and the question of "will we be able to do this again next month" following close behind us.  I'm not sure how I feel about Travis but I'm trying to keep him in the back of my mind.  To be able to do something like that would take great effort on my part not to think too deeply about the situation.  It took a little while for me to come around to the idea of using a donor in the first place--accepting that I physically cannot do the job myself.  With Travis being someone I would have to meet face-to-face, I worry how I'd handle it.

That being said, we're not using Travis.  At least not this time around.  Instead we've chosen a third anonymous donor (I wish they'd stop selling out! :( ) and will be giving it another shot next month.  And, ya know, I'm taking the advice of the hippie from Whole Foods and imagining our reality--Ashley, Banjo, baby and me.

I am terrified, though.  I'm sure I've mentioned being terrified before, but I think it's important to know that feeling hasn't faded.  In fact, with school and even less time on my hands than before it's likely that I am a little more worried now than I was before.  I started school two weeks ago and haven't had much opportunity to just space out, relax or take a break, really (except Sundays which are the only days Ashley and I have together).  I've been stuck to books, Banjo, or work.  Adding a baby to that mix kind of makes my heart skip a beat and rightly so because babies take a lot of time, love, and energy.  Terrifying is what it's supposed to be.  Besides, two years ago today I was probably giving myself the same excuse of "I have no time" in order not to do something else.  It can be done and as long as the universe and Ashley's body are on board... it will be done.  Hopefully soon. I can't wait for the day that we get to say we've made a baby together.

As far as everything else goes, we've been living at Ashley's parents house for roughly three weeks now and all it well.  It worked out much better than I was worried it would.  The only complaint I have is that there are less places for Banjo and I to go for walks in the woods.  I have to take him to the beach or drive out 15-20 minutes away to walk through some blueberry fields (and like I said, time is an issue!).