Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A few quick thoughts.

It's just before 11pm and I don't want to sleep.  Sometimes I feel as though the hours in the day are stolen from me.  So I try to steal them back at night.  The problem here is, of course, Ashley's asleep and I am usually too tired to do anything productive (that's also quiet), so I just screw around online until the point that I will wake up tired in the morning.  Ha.  It is a vicious cycle, but I continue to fight!  Occasionally, it feels worth the battle.

Ashley mentioned something recently about finding information on home births--which I see she wrote about in her last post--but we haven't really had a minute to discuss.  As she said, it's something I'm pretty strongly against not because I think it's a hippie idea or anything but because I would beat myself up if anything went wrong.  A midwife is something I can wrap my head around, but home birthing?  It's going to take a lot.

I gave blood today, as Ashley says, "Because I was bored."  I was sort of stranded in town after a Dr's appointment that went much shorter than I had expected and while I had tried to do homework it wasn't working.  So, I decided to head to campus early.  On my way down I realized it was the day the school was hosting a blood drive.  I've only donated once before but I think it's a good thing to do when/if you can, so I decided that's what I was going to do with the hour I had before class.

Now, the problem with this quickly laid plan of mine was that I hadn't planned at all.  I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I hadn't had a thing to drink other than coffee AND I didn't have an appointment.  So I walked into the office and told the woman, "I don't have an appointment and I have class in an hour; if I can get this done and over with by then, I'm in."  She initially told me it would be a waste of my time, but I told her I could either read in the library or read right there and she told me to have a seat.  After all that, it wasn't long before I was signing things, chugging water, shoving a piece of pizza into my face and answering fun questions about sex and drugs.

So I made it.  I did it.  That was my "something to contribute" for the day (which was almost literally true as I could barely formulate sentences in class).  It felt good.  Felt like something I needed to do, somehow, which I can't really explain.  Perhaps that's a residual feeling from a loss of blood.

Today was also a sick day for Ashley.  She stayed home with a bit of the "ick" and slept a lot.  Felt kind of lame to have so much time and not be able to spend it with her, but that's just where we are right now.  A lot of "hi/bye" time and very little lounging around or making dinner together.  Still, it gives me a reason to look forward to Sundays.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Work, school, sleep, repeat...

Kristen mentioned how busy we are lately and I can't help but wonder when things are going to slow down.  I am working 40-45 hours a week, taking 10 credits at school, and trying to manage the rest of my life on top of that.  I feel a little frustrated right now because it seems like I just trudge through the week and wait for one day to relax and see my beautiful girlfriend.  I am keeping my eyes on the prize... just need to finish this semester and then I will take the spring semester off.  Originally I was going to take the spring off because I was hoping to be pregnant and due sometime during the spring, but now, I see that it is just a MUCH NEEDED break. 

I have been working hard this week at meditating on being pregnant.  I am trying to take the advice of the guy at Whole Foods because I feel like it can't hurt!  I am really looking forward to trying again this month.  October is an important month for us (our anniversary) so I am going to hope that it becomes even more special.  I love my life with Kristen (even though we are busy and don't really see each other), but I am so excited to bring a new life into our home.

This week I was looking into midwifery and home births. Kristen is kind of against the idea of a home birth, but there is something about the safety and comfort of your own home that is appealing.  To be able to sleep in my own bed with Kristen and our newborn baby sounds like heaven.  I am hoping that I can convince Kristen that it is a viable option.  We shall see... I guess we have plenty of time to explore our options.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Quiet voices

It's been a little while since I've really made a mark here (given the little technically goof a while ago), but I'm going to try to make up for that today.

As Ashley has mentioned, it's been an interesting few weeks with the emergence of a willing donor and the question of "will we be able to do this again next month" following close behind us.  I'm not sure how I feel about Travis but I'm trying to keep him in the back of my mind.  To be able to do something like that would take great effort on my part not to think too deeply about the situation.  It took a little while for me to come around to the idea of using a donor in the first place--accepting that I physically cannot do the job myself.  With Travis being someone I would have to meet face-to-face, I worry how I'd handle it.

That being said, we're not using Travis.  At least not this time around.  Instead we've chosen a third anonymous donor (I wish they'd stop selling out! :( ) and will be giving it another shot next month.  And, ya know, I'm taking the advice of the hippie from Whole Foods and imagining our reality--Ashley, Banjo, baby and me.

I am terrified, though.  I'm sure I've mentioned being terrified before, but I think it's important to know that feeling hasn't faded.  In fact, with school and even less time on my hands than before it's likely that I am a little more worried now than I was before.  I started school two weeks ago and haven't had much opportunity to just space out, relax or take a break, really (except Sundays which are the only days Ashley and I have together).  I've been stuck to books, Banjo, or work.  Adding a baby to that mix kind of makes my heart skip a beat and rightly so because babies take a lot of time, love, and energy.  Terrifying is what it's supposed to be.  Besides, two years ago today I was probably giving myself the same excuse of "I have no time" in order not to do something else.  It can be done and as long as the universe and Ashley's body are on board... it will be done.  Hopefully soon. I can't wait for the day that we get to say we've made a baby together.

As far as everything else goes, we've been living at Ashley's parents house for roughly three weeks now and all it well.  It worked out much better than I was worried it would.  The only complaint I have is that there are less places for Banjo and I to go for walks in the woods.  I have to take him to the beach or drive out 15-20 minutes away to walk through some blueberry fields (and like I said, time is an issue!).

Monday, September 19, 2011

Imagine your experience

I went to Whole Foods yesterday to pick up a supplement that I am taking to help me get pregnant.  I asked a guy for help because they were out of the tincture that I usually get.  He recommended some capsules and then started talking about seeing results soon.  I told him that I wouldn't really know if it worked unless I got pregnant.  His response???  "The best thing that I have found for getting pregnant is imagining you are pregnant.  In the universe you are already pregnant, you just need to believe your experience and you will be pregnant."  He went on about that for a good few minutes.  I thanked him and we went on our way.  So, there is a part of we that thinks "whoa, crazy hippie" and another part of me that wants to believe that getting pregnant is all a frame of mind.  I mean, I can meditate on getting pregnant if that is going to make the difference.

Alright, just figured I would share that little tidbit with everyone out there in baby land.  I have three babies that are all waking up from naps right now, so I have gotta run. :)



Thursday, September 15, 2011


First off, let me start by saying that I am excited for everyone that I know (in real life or in blog land) that is pregnant.  Recently it seems that EVERYONE (literally) is pregnant.  My mother has eight day care parents that are having their second babies within the next few months.  This means that I will have eight new babies to care for at some point in the next year.  The only problem with that… where is the ninth???  I want us to get pregnant so bad, but what if it just doesn’t work???  It is so exciting to hear about peoples’ pregnancies, see ultrasound pics, and get wrapped up in their joy, but it is difficult to see all of it and not feel a little sadness too.

Last night I was talking to my mother about how we are going to probably use sperm from the cryobank again in October.  I know we have a “real life” donor, but I don’t know how I feel about it and don’t want to rush making that decision.  My mom was telling me how it seems like a big waste of money when sperm just flows freely.  I know that is her opinion and that she is just looking out for my best interest, but it really hurts my feelings.  I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does every time. 

I feel like it is completely unfair that I need to even seek out means to create a family.  So many people that are not prepared or don’t want children get pregnant every day and we can’t just have it happen.  I know that we only tried twice but it doesn’t matter, still feels like it is a major fail.  I feel this intense full-body need to be pregnant and no matter how much I will it to happen, it doesn’t mean that it is going to come to fruition. 

Alright, now that I have rambled on and spewed my “negative nelly” attitude all over the place, I guess I should get back to work.  I do have faith that we will get pregnant.  I also know that everything will fall into place when the universe (or God, Allah, etc.) thinks it is best.  Kristen and I will be amazing parents but for now I just need to work on practicing patience. 

Oh, side note… Kristen had a little tiff with her mom last night.  It is difficult to hear about their arguments because it just makes me incredibly angry at her mother.  Anyway, last night her mother said something about how we can send our child to stay with her for a few weeks in the summers (she lives in Mississippi and we live in Maine).  That would be ok except that she is disabled and has a hard time preparing meals for herself, getting to the doctors, etc.  She also will go to sleep for days at a time then stay up for days at a time.  In addition, she chain smokes in the house with the windows closed and is unable to keep the house clean due to her disabilities.  All of those factors make it incredibly difficult for me to consider allowing our child to stay there with us (let alone without us).  So, Kristen told her mom that the baby couldn’t stay there due to her smoking in the house.  Her mother’s response… “There is no proof that second hand smoke causes any long term effects.”  Really???  I told Kristen to tell her mother that if she could find three reliable medical sources to support her argument, then I would consider her point.  I am pretty sure that in 2011 there is not one doctor on earth that could give her any information that would remotely support her argument.  The end result was that she hung up on Kristen and left her really upset.  I don’t understand why she has to be so irrational sometimes.  I mean, whether second hand smoke is or is not harmful to our child’s health, we are still the parents and have the right to decide whether we want our child exposed to that.  I get really sad for Kristen sometimes.  I know that she loves her mother, but I also know that it is really difficult to deal with her sometimes.  I think that I am lucky that Kristen was born to her mother because it made her an incredibly patient person (not everyone would put up with my neuroses).  I hope that someday her mother can look at things from a different perspective and appreciate that her wishes/will are not the only ones to be considered.  It would make Kristen happier and certainly give her mother less anxiety.   

Ok, now I am really done!  Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


What a wild month!  Moving always throws me for a loop, but I think we are finally settling in.  I was really sad that we couldn’t try for a baby this month, but there was also a feeling of relief.  Knowing that we were flat broke; shelling out $700 for sperm seemed completely insane.  We really needed to give it a few weeks and let a few paychecks roll in before we can try again. 

Over the weekend I went to a party for a family friend.  My mother has known her (Rose) since they were in elementary school and they are very close.  Anyway, Rose has two sons but no grandchildren.  One of her kids is in a relationship with a woman that already has two kids (that she doesn’t have custody of) and she can’t have any more kids.  The other son, Travis, is gay so he isn’t likely to have children any time soon.  So, my mom and Rose started talking about how they need to get some sperm from one of the boys to give to me so that they can both have grandchildren.  (Ok, if you didn’t already think my mom is crazy… now you do!)  I ended up telling Travis how our moms were totally nuts and plotting to make us procreate.  His reaction???  “I would do it.  I have always wondered what my kids would look like.  We would make really adorable babies”  Wow.  I wasn’t expecting that answer.  He told me to let him know if we wanted to use his swimmers to make a baby.  He said he wouldn’t want to raise a child, but if it was a girl he would want to buy it dresses (lol).  Anyway, Kristen and I have talked about it and we are still undecided about whether that would be an option for us, but we have a few weeks to figure out if continuing with a sperm bank is best for us.  Currently, both of our top two donors are still sold out.  Travis may be a better option than our third pick… who knows?!?! 

Totally unrelated… This is the third week of classes and I am already exhausted.  Moving really took a lot out of me and I just can’t seem to catch up on sleep.  Classes are interesting, but I am a little nervous about Chemistry.  I am notoriously bad with math, conversions, etc. so I am pretty sure that Chemistry will be the class that I get a B in.  Hopefully not, but I can’t be disappointed if my GPA drops after this semester.  I need to prepare myself for the worst.  My other two classes are fun and relatively easy.  I have had both of the professors before and I was prepared for the kind of work they would expect.  Additionally, both of those classes are writing intensive and have no exams… perfect for me!

That is all for today.  Hope everyone is having lots of luck in baby making land!


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Due to a bad connection...

Last week, I wrote quite a long message and thanks to a poor internet connection, I lost it all.  I'd love to recreate it for you now, but it just wouldn't be genuine.  Instead, I think I'm just going to hit on a few key points:
  1. I hate moving during hurricanes.  Aside from that, we accomplished a lot in a relatively short time.
  2. School has started and I still don't have notebooks.  At this point I wonder if I'll need any seeing as my classes are mainly discussion based and feed off of pure, raw, mindful emotion.
  3. Guilt has set in regarding our baby-making.  While I am excited for the process, I was worried about trying again this month.  Financially.  Regardless of the reason for my worries over this month, I felt guilt for not being excited.  Every time Ashley mentioned trying... I smiled and my heart kind of sunk a little.  That being said, I AM excited to have a baby.  I just want to make sure we can afford to live as well.
And that's my last post in a nutshell.  We've decided not to try this month which alleviated a lot of my concerns.  I've already been able to put a little more into savings than I thought I could manage.  By next month we should be comfortable enough to try again.  And I'm optimistic that next month is our month! There's a baby out there waiting for us just as we're waiting for him/her.

In other news, it's September and it already feels like fall.  Completely unacceptable.  I've already had pumpkin beer and coffee which I typically refuse to do until October.  Hm.

Keep warm out there.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Another month?

Kristen and I are in discussions about trying to get pregnant this month.  There are a couple of things to consider.  First, we are BROKE!!!  Having to buy a new car, moving, and a few other unexpected bills have really added up this month.  We are supposed to get our security deposit back from our old apartment soon, but do we want to use that for baby making??? 

Next, our top two donors are both sold out.  Our first pick should be available again in October, but for now, we are left with the third string.  The guy is great, but Kristen is concerned because both of his childhood photos are of him scowling.  She is afraid he has a bad disposition or even Aspergers or something.  Maybe we are both a little crazy, but just one of those little concerns. 

The flip side… I lose my health insurance at the end of August 2012.  I can get a new policy after that, but I don’t want to still be pregnant while I am trying to switch companies, etc.  So I really need to get pregnant in September or October in order to make that deadline.  Planning for this stuff is just so difficult. 

On a different note, we are all moved!  Our large studio apartment at my parents house is kind of a work in progress (needs a bathroom, stove, etc.), but eventually it will be really great.  My father is going to build two bedrooms upstairs as well, so that will give us a large bedroom and then a slightly smaller room for the baby.  Those rooms are supposed to be built in about six months which will hopefully be a few months before the baby is due (if we get pregnant). 

The actual moving process was a little stressful.  I am not very good at maintaining my sanity through things like this, so everyone around me ends up getting the shit end of the stick.  Saturday morning I was mad at Kristen because she had to work and I had to move with just my father.  So, after a few snide remarks back and forth, she asked to go into work late and I burst into tears because I was so grateful that she would be around for part of the day.  I love her!  On Sunday we lost power which was a real bummer.  Kristen was painting our new apartment so midway through; she was doing it with a headlamp on.  It came out great; especially considering she did most of it in the dark.  We have gotten some of our stuff unpacked in the last few days, but we will probably be living out of boxes for a while.  We are having a really hard time deciding where everything should go.   

Kristen and I both started classes this week.  She has two classes this semester (she is going for her masters in social work) and I have three classes (someday I will have a bachelor’s). J  I am really looking forward to this winter because I will be working primarily from home and will be taking the spring semester off; I need a little break. 

Well, I guess that is all for now.  We have had an incredibly busy summer.  Now, we just need to get the baby making back on track!!!