Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Another no-go.

While we're not pregnant... oh well, we'll try again next month. Hope everyone had a great Christmas / holiday. The new year is around the corner and man... I'm ready for it.


Friday, December 23, 2011

counting my blessings

So today I began having cramping and a little spotting. I am due to start my period tomorrow, so I am pretty positive that I am not pregnant (plus I have taken 3 pregnancy tests). Kristen and I both had an emotional morning together talking about baby making, our relationship, and life in general. We don't see each other much due to our work schedules, so when we do, we talk things out. She is an amazing woman and I feel incredibly grateful that we have such an open, honest relationship.

Anyway, after our conversation I started thinking about a few reasons why I can be grateful that I am not pregnant. I know that sounds funny, but I needed to look on the bright side today. So here are the reasons:

1. Margarita en Fuego- This is my favorite drink. It is a margarita with hot pepper juice in it. So delicious! I will have a few of these in the next couple weeks.

2. Lattes- I have basically given up caffeine. I haven't had daily caffeinated beverages since we started TTC in June. Every once in a while I have a latte, but not often. This week, I am having lattes. I love them so much and look forward to them.

3. Soft cheeses- I know this sounds odd, but I am in love with soft cheeses. This is the one thing that I will miss the most once I am pregnant. Today I had feta, brie, and blue cheese. Not having any of it in the last two weeks made me catch up for lost time. I hate to see how much soft cheese I eat after I go nine months without! So, for the next two weeks, I am eating soft cheeses.

None of these things are that important to me, and being pregnant would be better than any latte, margarita, or soft cheese out there... but for today I am grateful that I can have these things for the next few weeks. Looking at the sunny side of things for a moment! Happy Friday!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I've been a little grumpy...

And I hate it. I feel like my being a grump completely compromises what we're trying to do here. Does that make sense? Guess I try to find rationality in all of this. So maybe we're not pregnant. Fine. We're not. It didn't happen this month. But do I have to like having the rug pulled out unexpectedly?

Ashley said I should write and I've really been wanting to avoid it until I felt better about things. The other day I overheard Ashley calling the doctor's office to ask for Clomid for next month and I got angry. I got angry because day 10 is day 10. It is not the end. And while I understand the importance of planning ahead for Clomid (especially with the holidays) I am angry that it is getting tougher and tougher for me to keep a positive outlook. Not that I think it will never happen--I know it will--but I am this bystander in all of this and just have to accept when Ashley is ready to accept that she's not pregnant. Well... this time I wasn't ready for that.

Christmas is right around the corner and although I've got a little grump living inside of me, it's not there all the time and I know it's going to pass. We have a fun weekend planned with Ashley's mom, visiting her aunt out of state and I think getting away from the norm--together this time--will do us both some good.

What I am afraid of for Christmas, however, is that it will bring gifts for our future baby. Despite specifically telling people that baby gifts are a bad idea before there is a baby...

Well, anyway.

I'm looking forward to Christmas and hopefully proving Ashley wrong when she receives a positive test... but if not, I look forward to trying again next month. One of these months will be our month.

Good luck to all of you and Merry Christmas et al.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

looking to the future

This morning I took another pregnancy test. It was negative again. Kristen is upset with me because she says that I 'cut myself off at the knees.' She thinks that I should have waited until Day 14 to test or until my missed period. I completely understand where she is coming from, but I don't know if I could hold out and not take a pregnancy test. Basically, I feel like I want to know either way as soon as possible so that I can move on. This month I wanted to get the negative so that I could plan for January's cycle. I know that sounds odd, but I guess that is my way to avoid falling apart when I see the BFN.

So, today I called the OBs office and told them that I will need Clomid filled before the weekend. They called in my script for both Clomid and HCG, so I am ready for this cycle. I am thinking about not doing BBT this month and trying to give up a little control. I mean, I am pretty sure that I will still stress about everything, but maybe if I let go a little bit my body will respond positively.

Amazingly, I don't feel devastated this time around. I was convinced that this was our month until about a week after the IUI. I truly believed that it would work this month... don't know what changed half way through the two week wait. Now, I am trudging into the new year with high hopes for 2012. I have faith that it will happen for us soon.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday week. Hope everyone is doing well on their baby making (or baby baking) journey. Thank you to everyone that has shared their experiences with me, given suggestions, and supported us in our quest. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I decided to test this morning. NOT PREGNANT. Kristen says it is still early, but most people get BFP on day 10 or 11. Interestingly, I am not a total mess this time. Maybe because I am used to the idea of not being pregnant. Maybe once you see it enough times, NOT PREGNANT doesn't hurt quite so much. I don't know. I guess the good part is that we can move on and try again in January. This whole process seems very long, but I know it will be worth it.

Lately, I have been feeling like I am weak, or something like that. I just think about the fact that people try for years to get pregnant without results and we have only tried 4 times (over 6 months) and I am a total wreck. I know that a huge piece of this is my goal oriented, perfectionist personality but that doesn't change anything. Kristen was telling me last night that during a TWW I either need to stop thinking about it altogether or resign myself to the fact that I will be crazy for 14 days. I told her that it is literally not possible for me to stop thinking about something. So, I guess crazy it is!

On a different note... Kristen and I went out last night to celebrate the end of our semester. She has only gotten one of her two grades so far (it is an A). I got my grades yesterday and I still have a 4.0 GPA. YEA!!! So we went to Kobe for dinner and it was pretty tasty. It is one of those hibachi Japanese restaurants. It was a lot of fun and there was an adorable little girl at our table that I kind of made friends with.

When we got home, we watched "The Business of Being Born." It is a documentary about labor and delivery. It was pretty good (what I saw of it, I fell asleep about 2/3 of the way through). Some of the statistics and history in it are pretty shocking. I have been talking to Kristen about wanting a home birth and she is terrified of the idea. I really wanted her to watch that video to see if it could soften her to the idea. I think it did. For me, I really feel like the childbirth process is something that has been done for thousands of years and there is nothing that any medical innovation is going to come up with that makes it any better. It is perfect the way it is. We are supposed to feel the pain of bringing a new life into this world. If we weren't, then it would have been painless for thousands of years. I feel that our bodies know how to give birth and most of the time it is not given the chance to do its job. I really want the opportunity (if possible) to have my baby naturally, at home, surrounded by the people closest to me. I may sound like a total hippie, but I just feel like this is right for me and our future child.

Monday, December 19, 2011

10 days into the TWW

I am feeling better than I did a few days ago. For the six days (except for yesterday and today) I have been crying like four times a day. I think it is likely due to the days getting shorter. I typically have a hard time during this time of year with depression. For the last few years I have been able to manage it with supplements and nutrition. Last week when the feeling started creeping in, I was very reluctant about taking anything to help. By Saturday morning, I was a mess!

On Thursday I had asked the doctor that I work for if the supplements that I normally take are ok during pregnancy and he said yes. I was still nervous about taking anything because I am so scared that I will hurt my unborn baby (if I am pregnant). I broke down on Saturday and decided for the sake of everyone involved, I need to take at least one of the supplements. I have googled it to see if I can find anything negative and there seems to nothing major, so I am going to continue.

Most winters I can fend off the blues until late January or February, but I think the stress of the family stuff and trying to get pregnant has added to it this year. I am just glad that I am feeling a little better now.

With Christmas looming, this two week wait has seemed longer than ever. Basically, Kristen and I agreed that we are not buying each other gifts and doing very little for others this year because we are trying to spend every spare penny on baby making. If we find out that I am pregnant then we are going to buy gifts for each other. It kind of feels like a holding pattern. I think I will probably test on Wednesday because I am pretty sure that I can't hold out until the end of the week.

Hope every is having a good Monday!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Baby-making blues.

If I was being completely honest, I would have to say that I am frustrated with this whole process.  Do I want a baby?  Yes, absolutely.  But the constant checking of temperatures and comparing charts from one month to the next or to other charts online to see what it could possibly mean drives me crazy.  Namely because everyone's charts seem to be as individual as the person they represent.

This morning Ashley woke me up saying that her temperature had dropped and how could she be pregnant if that's the case?  Well, Ashley's chart this month looks a bit like a roller coaster and I'm not really sure any answers could lie within the crests and troughs.  And, again to be honest, I'm always more than just a little disappointed that these things bring her down before her period has even thought about appearing.  I prepare myself each round to find out if we're having a baby about 14 days after our attempts, so when I find out on day 7 that something has made her believe she's not, I get really annoyed.  Not with Ashley, but with the fact that all the charting and waiting for signs comes out of nowhere to trip you up.  I've been really excited this time--probably just because we went to a doctor, but still--and now I don't know how to feel about it.  Is it ridiculous to remain hopeful when Ashley's temp dropped today?  Also, that stupid charting has made Ashley crazy.  She's so upset that we're not pregnant and we don't even know for sure yet!

After I ate breakfast I took my frustration online and researched BBT charts and their meanings and read a few forums where women were asking about manic-looking charts and BBT drops and spikes and tried to find something to make both Ashley and myself feel better about this morning.  I found a few things that suggests that charting is just a helpful tool that is not necessarily proof of anything at all (that may be my bias coming through here).  Some women had completely inconsistent charts and still got a positive pregnancy test without ever having a temperature spike.  Having read all that, I'm feeling a little bit better.  I told Ashley about it and I think it soothed her a little but I know that in her gut it's hard for her to ignore what's on paper.

It seems that lately when I write I always have something to complain about, but I am honestly happy and excited at the prospect of raising a child with Ashley.  I don't, however, want to ignore any of the dirty, ugly, or sad moments that happen along the way because making a baby as a gay couple isn't all sunshine and rainbows and to pretend that it is would be a lie to any other gay couple in our situation.

On a lighter note, on my way to visit my family I was flipping through a SkyMall magazine and found a plaque for a child's room that I loved that said, "Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."  I think we should all have one of those in our homes, not just for our children but for ourselves, too.

To all the pregnant ladies, I hope all is well and congrats to those who just got positives!  Keep us in mind as we wait out our next 7 days!

Until next time,

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Waiting for Christmas

Do you remember when you were little and Christmas always seemed like it would never get here???  You started the advent calender on December 1st only to feel like you might spontaneously combust before the day every arrived... that is the two week wait.  This year I am not waiting for Christmas, I am totally preoccupied with thoughts of babies.

Today I am 6 days post insemination and I literally feel like the two week wait is never going to end.  I think the fact that Kristen has been away since Saturday is likely a huge factor in it, but it still is torture!  I have all of these "symptoms," but I am pretty sure they are psychosomatic.  Maybe I am pregnant, but I probably wouldn't even begin to have symptoms yet.  I just have to try to stay patient. 

The other thing that is difficult is avoiding all of the holiday libations... I have three Christmas parties in the next week that would be much more appealing with a glass of wine, but no such luck.  Oh well... that is the least of my worries!!!

I hope everyone is doing well during this holiday season.  Best of luck to all of those trying to start (or expand) their families.  

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Yesterday was the big day

We had our first IUI yesterday.  It was a non-event.  The whole thing went something like this...

Kristen and I waited in the waiting room nervously for about 20 minutes.  The nurse walked by all cute and pregnant. She was probably 110 pounds before getting pregnant... she is just a little person.  Well, she is one of those adorable little pregnant ladies that makes everyone want to be pregnant.  As she walked past I said to Kristen "you know that I am not going to be cute like that when I am pregnant.  I am going to be huge and waddle like a duck."  She started laughing hysterically and I went on to tell her that I just needed her to know the reality of the situation.  (I am not a small person and pregnancy is going to be splendid, but I am not going to be little and cute.)

Once the nurse called us in to the office she had us sign a bunch of papers and explained what an IUI is.  I am sure that it is necessary, but do people sign up for said procedure without knowing what is going to happen?  She was very sweet and before she left the room she smiled and said "good luck." 

Then our doctor came in, confirmed that I had taken Clomid for 5 days toward the start of my cycle, taken 10,000IUs of HCG the day before, and then shot me up with millions of swimmers.  She literally put the speculum in and then said "we're all done."  It was so quick and easy I couldn't even believe it!  She said that I had a "happy cervix" (that it is open and has plenty of cervical mucus) so she thinks that we hit my ovulation perfectly.  I was very happy to hear that because I am always worried that our timing isn't right.  She then said "let's hope you don't get a period in two weeks, good luck" and walked out of the room.  It was literally 5 minutes and $308 later and I may have the makings of a baby in my uterus! 

I had a lot of cramping yesterday afternoon and some today, but nothing too bad.  I am not sure whether to take it easy or go about my life as usual.  I keep thinking "there could be a baby in there."  I know that I just have to live my life (and try to stay distracted) for the next two weeks, but damn is it hard.  For now, we are 1 day down and 13 to go in our TWW.  Here's hoping!!! :)

Friday, December 9, 2011

Now is the right time

I just started reading a new blog this morning.  In it she said that she bought a magnet that said "now is the right time."  Just those words made me get a little weepy.  Today is our day!  Our appointment of the IUI is in one hour and I am so excited.  I feel nervous, but I guess there is nothing to worry about.  Bring on the two week wait!!! :)

Keep us in mind today!

Ashley and I will be going to have our first IUI later today and we'd appreciate all the good vibes we can get!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Waiting for our 4th.

Any day now Ashley's going to be perched on a doctor's table waiting for our 4th chance at having a baby.  Any day.  I'm excited to get the ball rolling and start on our two week wait, which is strange since that's usually a stressful period.  For whatever reason, I'm not stressed.  My hopes are up and I'm thinking good thoughts.

I'll be heading down south to visit my family this weekend (if all goes well--if Ashley doesn't start ovulating until Saturday, I'll wait and go with her to the dr.) which is super exciting.  I haven't been home or seen my mother and brother for a year.  That includes my nieces, too.  One of which is 5 years old, Peyton, and knows me well enough to recognize me and get excited to see me.  The other, Kaileigh, is only 2 years old and really doesn't have much of a clue about who I am.  That's a little sad, but I'm looking forward to meeting her again.

This trip, I have a feeling, is going to make the waiting a little more difficult for Ashley because I won't be here to play distraction.  I'm hoping, though, that having a doctor involved can take at least some of the stress out of this situation.  I guess we'll find out shortly.

Oh... also I woke up this morning with pink eye.  Delicious.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Feeling a little sensitive

No big news to report today, but I felt like writing a little bit cause I am feeling a little peeved.  Today my boss said something to me about craving sweets and asked me if I crave sweets.  I said not really and he told me "oh, well, I can help you get rid of any cravings that you have."  He then went on to explain that he could help me fix this or that and "what do you think your issue has been with weight maintenance."  Stress, it's stress!

Back story... I manage a weight loss program for a doctor.  I am not sure if I have mentioned that before, but that is my "grown up" job.  Anyway, I have been really self-conscious for the last eight or nine months because I have gained about 30 pounds.  The problem with this is that I have to talk to people all the time about how great our weight loss plan is and meanwhile I look like a stuffed sausage. My boss hadn't really said anything to me about it until the last few weeks.  Recently he has been dropping hints left and right about my weight.  Now, I am already sensitive about my weight, but having my boss saying things insinuating that I am getting a little beefy really upsets me.  I keep thinking that I should start the weight loss plan that we offer at my work, but I know that when I am trying to get pregnant it is a really bad idea.  So for now I just have to pretend that I don't want to completely freak out at my boss.

For the record, I do really like my boss.  He has taught me a lot and I am a much healthier and happier person because I had this job opportunity.  I am just feeling a little sensitive today.  Anyway, hope everyone is having a good Tuesday!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 11- Ultrasound day

We went in for our follicle check today and everything looked good.  I had one dominant follicle that was 15mm and then a bunch more that were relatively small (7, 8, 9mm each).  I was a little disappointed because I expected to have 50 giant follicles, but I guess my expectations were a little unrealistic (no, not me).  We spoke with a doctor about the ultrasound and he seemed to think that I would have the IUI on either Friday or Saturday.  I am betting on Thursday or Friday.  Kristen and I didn't like that doctor quite as much as our regular doctor.  He had his "serious face" on the whole time which never makes things more comfortable.

At this point Thursday or Friday (or Saturday) can't come soon enough.  I am anxiously awaiting our first IUI and hopefully our first BFP.  I feel a little less sure about this month now that I know that there aren't a gazillion follicles waiting for some dapper sperm to come along and make some magic... but do I really want to make room for multiples???  (The answer to that questions is not entirely)

In other news, we went to the Nutcracker yesterday and put our Christmas tree up.  It was a great day because we got to do a bunch of Christmas stuff... oh, and I even had a decaf pumpkin spice latte, yum!  I love spending Sundays with Kristen.  We never get to see one another during the week, so Sundays always seem like a special treat.

I guess that is all for today.  I hope everyone is doing well in baby making land!  Good luck all around!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Feeling better

I am pretty sure that the headache and nausea that I had for days 2 and 3 of the Clomid were unrelated.  I began to feel better yesterday and today I feel fine.  I slept for 12 hours on Sunday, Monday, and last night... clearly a virus.  Clomid is making me cry at silly things though.  I just had to go into storage to try to pull some patients' charts and almost burst into tears.  I was the one that put all of them in alphabetical order in bankers boxes to be put in storage.  Now there is no sign of any sort of alphabetical system... no way to find charts.  I gave up and took some deep breaths to avoid crying. 

I ordered our sperm yesterday.  Our order is scheduled to be at our doctor's office on Monday so hopefully I do not have some freak early ovulation this month.  I am convinced that we are going to be pregnant this month.  I am so excited and catch myself wanting to tell people... we haven't even done the IUI the yet.  It makes me incredibly nervous that I am getting so excited about it.  I really don't want to be devastated right at Christmas.  Not sure how to be cautiously optimistic... there should be workshops on that! 

Kristen leaves for Mississippi to visit her family on December 10th.  Again, I hope that our ovulation is not freakishly late this month because then Kristen will either have to miss the IUI or postpone her trip.  I was thinking about going with her to MS, but it throws everything off if I go.  Her mom smokes in the house, so we would have to find a different place to stay because I am a baby making machine (no second hand smoke for me).  Not only would we need a new place to stay, but her mom will get really upset if we don't stay there.  Even though I really wanted to see Kristen's nieces, Mamaw, and the rest of the family, it is best that I am staying home.  I can just sit at home by myself and obsess about whether I am pregnant or not. ;)

I am very excited for the Christmas season even though everything is very different this year.  My parents are separated so I am not sure how that is going to play out, but I feel like our family (Kristen, Banjo, and baby-to-be) is ready to make new traditions.  My favorite part of Christmas is feeling warm and cozy, singing Christmas carols, and decorating the tree... so we will do that and enjoy the season.  We are not buying gifts for anyone this year (except for maybe nieces and nephews) because we are dedicating every extra penny we own to the baby making process.  For me, that is not a problem... I am not really into the whole gift thing.  I am so looking forward to waking up Christmas morning and enjoying a hot cup of coffee (decaf) in front of the Christmas tree with Banjo and Kristen.

I guess that is all from me (now that I am sobbing at my desk at work).  Holy Clomid!!!  Happy Holidays and baby making to everyone! :)