Appointment made!

The nurse from the OB's office called today.  She asked some questions about whether or not we have tried IUI before, whether I am tracking ovulation, blah, blah, blah.  The end result is that we got an appointment for November 18th and she said that we will be able to inseminate next cycle.  So, that means that a little over a month from now we will be doing our first IUI.  I am a little nervous, but super excited.  The upside (and downside) is that our two week wait will be up right around Christmas... it will either be the best Christmas present ever or make Christmas a little bittersweet.  I am not going to get my hopes up too much for the first try, but I am really looking forward to it. 

I am feeling much better now that I know that we are headed in the right direction.  Everything seemed static for a while which made it difficult to stay positive.  Really hoping our favorite donor becomes available before the end of this month. :)

Still waiting

Last Monday I called for an appointment at the OB's office that does insemination and IVF.  They make you transfer your medical records and have a nurse look them over prior to scheduling an appointment.  So, last Monday I dropped the paper off at my doctor's office to have my records sent.  On Thursday I had to call the doctor's office to get a prescription for medicine for pink eye (occupational hazard).  During that phone call I asked the receptionist if my records had been sent yet and she said 'yes, they are long gone.'  Fast forward to this past Monday... I called the OB's office and they said that they had just received the records and that I would probably get a call by the end of the week to schedule.  When I had called originally they said that they are booking about two months out for new patients.  I have now waited almost two weeks just trying to book an appointment.  By the time I get in with these people my eggs will be old (jk)!!!

In other news, I am really enjoying acupuncture.  It is helping me to be a little less tightly wound and hopefully it will eventually help us get pregnant.  These last six months have been really difficult emotionally (baby making, parents' separation, moving to my mother's, etc.) so I am just trying to find some sort of serenity in my life.  I think acupuncture may have been just the thing. 

One thing I am getting a little concerned about is that I have gained like 25 pounds in the last six months.  I know that is the worst thing you can do when you are trying to get pregnant, but the stress has been less than kind to my body.  I am hopeful that the acupuncture will be helpful.  I am also thinking that once this semester is over I will start going to yoga again... and maybe the gym. 

Anyway, I guess that is all for now.  Best of luck to all of you baby makers out there. :)

How can they do that?

Even though we are in our two week wait, I am looking around at different reproductive clinics to try to find a place to do IUI next month.  It was only our third ICI (and we don't even know if it worked or not), but it is probably time to have a doctor help with this process. 

So, I just called reproductive clinic in our area and asked about the associated fees.  First off, they require a bunch of blood work and a first office visit... understandable.  After that, the cost seems a little crazy.  They said that you need to have an X-ray of your uterus.  Now, for anyone that knows me, you know that I am TOTALLY organic and avoid anything that may be potentially harmful to me (or my children) in the future.  I avoid things like X-rays like the plague... now why would I want to expose my baby making region to harmful electromagnetic rays???  Call me crazy, but that seems a little counter productive. 

Next, they told me that if we planned on using donor sperm that we would need to go see a social worker for an evaluation before you can proceed.  Is this normal procedure for all clinics?  Kristen and I have spent a lot of time weighing out options, talking to my primary care doctor, friends and family.  Now I have to qualify my decision with a professional???  So, I got off the phone and cried a little bit.  I just feel like there are a million obstacles put up in front of us.  We will be good, loving parents so why do I need to prove myself time and time again when there are so many people that have children that they never even wanted???  I feel a little defeated today.  I guess I should just relax a little bit and wait to see if I am even pregnant before I freak out completely. :)

On a much happier note... Kristen, Banjo (our dog), and I went away over Columbus Day weekend.  It was so awesome because the foliage was beautiful; we got to relax, and had some hiking adventures.  Every time I have the opportunity to spend time with Kristen, I fall in love with her all over.  It sounds corny, but we rarely see each other, so I feel like it is important that I feel so in love when we do get to hang out.  Banjo had the best time ever.  He loves to be in the woods, so being at a camp near a river (that he wouldn't stop playing in) and going hiking was the best!  I am really happy that we had the chance to do that. 

I have had a couple really weird dreams this week... I hope that means that we are pregnant.  I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up this time.  It feels like a major loss each time it doesn't work so I have to remain as level headed as possible. 

Conflicted

First off, let me start by saying that I am excited for everyone that I know (in real life or in blog land) that is pregnant.  Recently it seems that EVERYONE (literally) is pregnant.  My mother has eight day care parents that are having their second babies within the next few months.  This means that I will have eight new babies to care for at some point in the next year.  The only problem with that… where is the ninth???  I want us to get pregnant so bad, but what if it just doesn’t work???  It is so exciting to hear about peoples’ pregnancies, see ultrasound pics, and get wrapped up in their joy, but it is difficult to see all of it and not feel a little sadness too.

Last night I was talking to my mother about how we are going to probably use sperm from the cryobank again in October.  I know we have a “real life” donor, but I don’t know how I feel about it and don’t want to rush making that decision.  My mom was telling me how it seems like a big waste of money when sperm just flows freely.  I know that is her opinion and that she is just looking out for my best interest, but it really hurts my feelings.  I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does every time. 

I feel like it is completely unfair that I need to even seek out means to create a family.  So many people that are not prepared or don’t want children get pregnant every day and we can’t just have it happen.  I know that we only tried twice but it doesn’t matter, still feels like it is a major fail.  I feel this intense full-body need to be pregnant and no matter how much I will it to happen, it doesn’t mean that it is going to come to fruition. 

Alright, now that I have rambled on and spewed my “negative nelly” attitude all over the place, I guess I should get back to work.  I do have faith that we will get pregnant.  I also know that everything will fall into place when the universe (or God, Allah, etc.) thinks it is best.  Kristen and I will be amazing parents but for now I just need to work on practicing patience. 

Oh, side note… Kristen had a little tiff with her mom last night.  It is difficult to hear about their arguments because it just makes me incredibly angry at her mother.  Anyway, last night her mother said something about how we can send our child to stay with her for a few weeks in the summers (she lives in Mississippi and we live in Maine).  That would be ok except that she is disabled and has a hard time preparing meals for herself, getting to the doctors, etc.  She also will go to sleep for days at a time then stay up for days at a time.  In addition, she chain smokes in the house with the windows closed and is unable to keep the house clean due to her disabilities.  All of those factors make it incredibly difficult for me to consider allowing our child to stay there with us (let alone without us).  So, Kristen told her mom that the baby couldn’t stay there due to her smoking in the house.  Her mother’s response… “There is no proof that second hand smoke causes any long term effects.”  Really???  I told Kristen to tell her mother that if she could find three reliable medical sources to support her argument, then I would consider her point.  I am pretty sure that in 2011 there is not one doctor on earth that could give her any information that would remotely support her argument.  The end result was that she hung up on Kristen and left her really upset.  I don’t understand why she has to be so irrational sometimes.  I mean, whether second hand smoke is or is not harmful to our child’s health, we are still the parents and have the right to decide whether we want our child exposed to that.  I get really sad for Kristen sometimes.  I know that she loves her mother, but I also know that it is really difficult to deal with her sometimes.  I think that I am lucky that Kristen was born to her mother because it made her an incredibly patient person (not everyone would put up with my neuroses).  I hope that someday her mother can look at things from a different perspective and appreciate that her wishes/will are not the only ones to be considered.  It would make Kristen happier and certainly give her mother less anxiety.   

Ok, now I am really done!  Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

-Ashley

Options?

What a wild month!  Moving always throws me for a loop, but I think we are finally settling in.  I was really sad that we couldn’t try for a baby this month, but there was also a feeling of relief.  Knowing that we were flat broke; shelling out $700 for sperm seemed completely insane.  We really needed to give it a few weeks and let a few paychecks roll in before we can try again. 

Over the weekend I went to a party for a family friend.  My mother has known her (Rose) since they were in elementary school and they are very close.  Anyway, Rose has two sons but no grandchildren.  One of her kids is in a relationship with a woman that already has two kids (that she doesn’t have custody of) and she can’t have any more kids.  The other son, Travis, is gay so he isn’t likely to have children any time soon.  So, my mom and Rose started talking about how they need to get some sperm from one of the boys to give to me so that they can both have grandchildren.  (Ok, if you didn’t already think my mom is crazy… now you do!)  I ended up telling Travis how our moms were totally nuts and plotting to make us procreate.  His reaction???  “I would do it.  I have always wondered what my kids would look like.  We would make really adorable babies”  Wow.  I wasn’t expecting that answer.  He told me to let him know if we wanted to use his swimmers to make a baby.  He said he wouldn’t want to raise a child, but if it was a girl he would want to buy it dresses (lol).  Anyway, Kristen and I have talked about it and we are still undecided about whether that would be an option for us, but we have a few weeks to figure out if continuing with a sperm bank is best for us.  Currently, both of our top two donors are still sold out.  Travis may be a better option than our third pick… who knows?!?! 

Totally unrelated… This is the third week of classes and I am already exhausted.  Moving really took a lot out of me and I just can’t seem to catch up on sleep.  Classes are interesting, but I am a little nervous about Chemistry.  I am notoriously bad with math, conversions, etc. so I am pretty sure that Chemistry will be the class that I get a B in.  Hopefully not, but I can’t be disappointed if my GPA drops after this semester.  I need to prepare myself for the worst.  My other two classes are fun and relatively easy.  I have had both of the professors before and I was prepared for the kind of work they would expect.  Additionally, both of those classes are writing intensive and have no exams… perfect for me!

That is all for today.  Hope everyone is having lots of luck in baby making land!

-Ashley 

Not this time

My uterus continues to be babyless.  After taking three negative pregnancy tests and still not believing that I wasn’t pregnant, my period started today so I guess that is confirmation.  I was reading someone’s blog and she was saying that she convinces herself that she may be the person that still gets a period while pregnant.  YES!!!  Me too!!!  I mean, both of the times that we have tried to get pregnant, I have convinced myself of that.  Totally unrealistic, I know!

I have started thinking about our next ICI.  I am a little bit nervous because our first and second choice donors are sold out, so now we are moving down the list.  I guess it doesn’t matter that much (as long as I have a healthy baby), but having to rework the plan each time rattles me a bit.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that September is baby making month.  It seems like everyone else that is blogging gets pregnant on try number three (or after that), so I have to remember that I am right on schedule.  I had hoped for getting pregnant on the first try (as I am sure we all do), but reality is always a different beast altogether. 

We are gearing up for the big move this weekend.  Moving day is slated for the same day that Hurricane Irene hits us, so it should be interesting!

Today is a good day… not sure why I am feeling so optimistic, but things just seem to look brighter today.  I am glad I feel that way because the weather is a little wonky (severe thunder storms, torrential rain, etc.).  I am really grateful for the life that I have with Kristen and can’t wait to have a little bambino to add to our beautiful chaos!  

-Ashley

Emotional hangover

Not being pregnant feels unfair.  It was only our first time, but I feel betrayed or something.  I know that is probably a strange emotion to put on this, but I guess that’s what it is.  I think all of the stuff going on with my parents’ separation is what is weighing most heavily.  I was able to set that aside when I was trying to get pregnant because my family (Kristen, future baby, and I) were what needed my attention.  Now that I am not pregnant, the separation is in the forefront. 

I had this idea that getting pregnant was going to be easy.  I did everything I possibly could to optimize my chances of getting pregnant using at-home ICI.  For me, doing EVERYTHING in my power means that I can accomplish it.  When I want something I put my mind to it and get it done.  This is literally one of the few things on earth that my will power, preparedness, and hard work cannot predict a successful outcome.  That frustrates me.  I guess you would have to be a type-A personality to understand.  Kristen keeps telling me that I did everything I could and that it has nothing to do with us.  I love Kristen and I know that she is trying to help, but unfortunately this is going to feel like a little bit of a failure for a little while.  Just my personality. 

On a high note… I got over 100% on an exam in my Jazz Appreciation class last night.  I was extremely worried about that exam because I have NO musical ability.  Eighth-note, what?  I spent close to seven hours studying over the weekend and clearly it paid off!

-Ashley 

Four tests later

I went out yesterday and bought the digital tests because I have read that they are more sensitive and will catch pregnancy sooner than the ones that you need to interpret the lines.  Just for a little bit of torture I took a test at like 7pm last night.  I knew that end of the day was the worst time to take it, but I just had to try.  "Not pregnant" came up on the screen.  Expected.  Kristen told me to wait until Tuesday to try another test and I wasn't so sure I could hold out.

The first thought this morning when I woke up was "I should take a pregnancy test."  I was lying there trying to convince myself that Kristen was right and that I should wait until Tuesday.  When I finally got out of bed and went to the bathroom, I had decided I would wait.  Then I realized that I was just starting my period.  Huge disappointment.  You know, the worst part of it is that I still had this thought like "oh, some people still get light periods when they are pregnant."  Like four negative pregnancy tests and my period isn't enough proof that this month isn't our time to conceive. 

I have to have some sort of faith in something and know that our time will come when that little soul is ready to be ours.  Regardless of all rational thinking and faith, it is still a big disappointment.  I guess this is all part of the process and I had some big, unrealistic expectations for our first insemination.  Next time I will try to be a bit more guarded with my excitement during the two week wait.
-Ashley 

Still waiting

I am convinced that the wait between insemination and a definite positive or negative pregnancy test is the worst torture imaginable.  I have had every thought in the past two weeks about how I am pregnant, I am not pregnant, I was pregnant but now I'm not...  I feel a little bit crazy.  I have even gone so far as to beat myself up over what I should have done differently to get pregnant (hello crazy lady, you don't know whether you are or not yet).  On Sunday night Kristen really wanted me to take a pregnancy test.  We went and bought a 3-pack and I did the test at 3am on Monday morning (had to pee and couldn't wait until the alarm went off).  No such luck!  I did another one on Tuesday and it was another negative.  Today is day 14 since inseminating so I guess Monday and Tuesday were both a little early to tell.  I am going to test again tomorrow and hopefully I will get a positve result.  At the moment I am convinced that I am not pregnant, but we shall see.  I am really looking forward to knowing either way so that I can stop stressing over it.  Although I will be heartbroken if I am not pregnant, I will have a margarita and start planning for the next try! 
-Ashley 

One week and counting

It has been one week since we did our first ICI. I am really tired and grouchy (maybe I am pregnant!), but I am inclined to believe that the copious amounts of pollen are causing my discomfort. Going without allergy stuff really bites!

I didn’t get a chance to write about the actual experience of the ICI yet so I figured that today was as good a day as any. I had this romantic vision going into it that we would have some romantic, sexy time before we inseminated and then lay in bed together after. Well, the reality was that we had to schedule time to meet up at home to do the ICI. I left work early and Kristen went in to work late. As we stood there in the kitchen with the giant nitrogen tank trying to figure out how to get the tiny little vial of liquid gold out without freezing our fingers off, I realized that all preconceived notions about how this was going to go were flying out the window. We ended up with oven mitts and tongs and successfully removed the cute little plastic container. Then we thawed it in a warm water bath while we tried to be all romantic. It is extremely difficult to focus on sex when you are thinking “has it been in the water bath too long?” or “am I really ovulating?” I mean, we did manage to have both pre- and post-insemination sex because it is something that apparently helps the process, but it was really hard to get in the mood.

Kristen and I did a lot more giggling and joking around than anything else. While I was laying there with my legs in the air after the deed was done, she stood on the bed and shook my legs a little bit. She figured it might help the swimmers get there faster. 

Although this blog entry probably sounds really cynical, I do feel like Kristen and I are more connected now than we have ever been. I love her so deeply and feel incredibly lucky to have her by my side. I really look forward to raising a family with her and growing together as people.

So, I have one more week to wait until I can take a pregnancy test. Although I am a little confused because my period isn’t usually until the 28th or 29th. That random ovulation really threw me for a loop!
-Ashley