Thursday, November 22, 2012

Amended Post

My former boss is currently on life support.  His prognosis is very bleak but he is still alive.  We all are continuing to pray for him and hope that things turn around.  Please send some good juju Mat's way.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


One of my old bosses died today.  He is one of the most amazing humans I think I have ever known.  He was kind, generous, loving, and a great leader.  Mat treated his wife like a queen; helping her follow her dreams, supporting her with the kids, and being an overall nice person.  He smiled at everyone he came in contact with and always had a corny joke to make you smile.  He took the time to explain everything to his kids.  No matter how late he was running, he always allowed his children the privilege of being heard and respected.  He got down on their level and made them feel important.  He made everyone feel important. 

I am very sad for his wife and three young kids (all under 7).  I have known the oldest since he was a year old and have known the others since they were just little sonogram photos.  I am praying for them and sending them all the good vibes I possibly can.  I don't know if you all in blogland believe in praying, but if you do, can you say a little prayer for Jen, Bryce, Carter and Audrey?  I want them to feel safe and loved through this horrible tragedy.  I wish them the best this world has to offer them. 

As for Mat, you will be missed by the thousands of lives that you have touched.  Goodbye for now, my friend. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Fresh snow

Last night we got our first snow.  I woke up at 4am and looked out the window and it was beautiful.  By 6am (the time I would normally get up) it had started raining and the snow had turned to slush and the beauty had vanished.  I am glad that I woke up too early because I was able to take in that moment, before the rain washed the snow away.  There is always something special about the first snow.

Kristen and I officially broke up yesterday.  I had made the decision to end it anyway so when we talked, it was evident that it was what we both wanted.  I think it was time for us to go our separate ways, but losing someone that you love that much is never easy.  She and I are great partners and friends but there was something missing.  There was no spark anymore.  I had to decide what the most loving thing would be for both of us.  Separating seemed to be what my heart was telling me was best.

We were able to sit down for a few hours last night and talk about what we want from this.  Fortunately, we both want to remain friends and it feels really good to know that I will not be losing the most important person in my life entirely.  I think we are going to be better friends than anything else.  I love her like crazy and feel so grateful for having the opportunity to have been with her for the last four years.  She has stood by me through some of the hardest times and supported me while I morphed into a stronger person.  So grateful!

I know this all sounds like sunshine and roses, but that isn't entirely it.  I am feeling sad today.  It feels kind of empty in our home without her, but I know that will heal with time.  I haven't had to take any of the anti-anxiety medicine since making the decision about splitting up.  So, I guess I am moving in the right direction.

Right now, I am relaxing on the couch with Banjo sleeping next to me.  It feels really good to have him with me.  I know Kristen misses him when he is here, but I think the shared "custody" is going to be the best solution.  He and I went for a long walk this afternoon which made us both feel better.  He loves long walks and I was able to be present and in the moment.  Again, I am grateful.

I hope everything is going well for you all.  Thank you for all of your love and support through this rocky time.  I appreciate you all very much. :)

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Clearer skies

I woke up at five this morning... huge improvement on the 3:30 yesterday morning.  Luckily I didn't wake up feeling like things were crashing down around me this morning.  I feeling a slight glimmer of hope today.  I am not sure if it will stick, but things feel better.  I miss Kristen, but I know that will take a long time to go away.

Today was a day of being kind to myself.  Surrounding myself with positive people and doing things that I enjoy.  You know what???  There are so many more loving, kind, amazing people in my life than I realized.  I was able to look at what I do have in my life and see that with or without Kristen, my life will be full.  Again, this is how I feel for now... that does not mean that tomorrow I will not be writing how much life sucks.  But for now, I am ok.

This afternoon I had someone that I respect very much tell me that I am "an amazing woman."  I was told that I didn't even know how strong and intelligent and intuitive and kind I am.  Then he said "and you're beautiful to boot."  Honestly, I needed to hear that.  To remember I am so much more than Kristen's fiancee.  I am ready to move forward in my life and make a better relationship with her or accomplish everything that I ever dreamed of without her. 

Someone else told me today "we are banking on you being a doctor someday."  That made me feel really good too because I have been wavering on my decision to eventually go to medical school.  I keep saying that its because I want kids, but you know, I can have it all if I am willing to work hard.

Today I am able to see the sunset and hear the birds chirp.  Today I feel alive.  That is one step closer to getting back to good.  I will try to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can.  I know that there are going to be many more difficult moments, but I know that I am more than capable of making it through. 

Side note... apparently my mom took my nephews to the park today.  She let the four year old go to the bathroom alone because there were other men in the bathroom.  Well, once all the men had cleared the bathroom my mom went in to see if Chase needed help.  She found that Chase had pooped in the urinal and peed in his pants.  Ahhh the joys of children. :)

Monday, November 5, 2012

Second verse, same as the first

Today was just a repeat of yesterday and the day before and the day before that.  How do you reconcile that two weeks ago we were going to try to have a baby and yesterday Kristen moved out.  And today, she is off with a new girl.  I feel like I just ceased to exist.  Kristen moves on and gets to be happy while meanwhile I (the one with no fault in this) get to have panic attacks.  How does this work in the whole Karma thing? 

Last night I had to go to urgent care to get anti-anxiety medicine.  I have never been on it before (except for like one every three years that my mom/a friend gives me to help in stressful situations).  It is really hard to admit that I am emotionally broken and need pharmaceutical help, but I am not sure how I would do it without.  This whole things is just so confusing.  How do you go from trying to start a family to completely done in less than two weeks... Really?

I texted Kristen a little while ago to see if I could come get Banjo for the night.  The apartment just feels too empty.  She called me back and had a weird little fit about it and asked if she could drop him off tomorrow.  I had another call coming in so I told her I had to go.  Honestly, if it is that big of a deal, screw it.  We can negotiate dog custody in couples counseling.  Again I ask... how did we get here? 

Anyway, I also went to the dentist today for a cleaning.  It was a $200 bill that I didn't really have the money for to begin with BUT I also found out that I have two cavities that need filling ASAP.  So, I will end up spending about $500 altogether.  Money was already tight, but now I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay $1050 per month for rent by myself and buy groceries and pay utilities... now I have cavities too.  Awesome!

So, again I am going to apologize for my Debbie Downer post.  I know that they will probably get less depressing as time wears on so hang in there.  I hope you all had a good Monday.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Where do we go from here?

...this isn't where we intended to be.  Kristen is moving out today.  Not taking everything, but enough so that she's gone.  I am not sure how to reconcile that in my head considering things felt ok two weeks ago.  I love her so much and I know that she loves me, but I guess this is just not where she wants to be.  Banjo is going with her which is good and bad.  The idea of being completely alone in our apartment is really sad, but I am not sure that I want him here right now. 

Last night I went to a Melissa Ferrick concert and saw some people that I know there.  It was nice to get out of the house.  And it was nice to dress up and feel pretty again.  The past few years have been such a roller-coaster that I kind of lost sight of the "pretty me."  I know that sounds strange, but when I am in crisis mode, buying cute clothes and straightening my hair doesn't top my list of priorities.  I know that probably contributed to the slow decline of Kristen and I, but who knows.  Anyway, it was really nice to go to the concert and get out of my head for a while. 

When I got home Kristen was coming in from work.  We talked and cried and laughed... it felt really good.  It was like we were back.  Then I asked her to stay in bed with me for the night because it was the last night.  She did.  I don't know if it was a good idea or bad idea, but it felt really good to have her cuddle me.  Safe.  I didn't want to fall asleep because I knew that in the morning it would all be over with.  I woke up at 5am with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I tried repeating an inspirational mantra over and over, tried watching TV, tried taking an anti-anxiety pill, took a bath... and here I am still crying.

I know this isn't supposed to be easy. The problem is that I have used every imaginable destructive coping mechanism that I could in the past.  You name it...  Now, I am finally in a place where I am emotionally healthier and all of the overeating, under-eating, excessive drinking, being promiscuous (the list goes on) has lost its appeal.  Now I just have to be in my feelings.  Sit there and feel sad.  How does one do that without feeling kinda crazy?

Kristen and I may go to couples counseling still to see if we are completely done.  I also feel like I need the closure here.  I don't know how to just turn and walk the other way without knowing that I have exhausted all of my options.  I don't know if Kristen wants to go to counseling though.  I think she is in a place where she either needs to decide to break a cycle or not.  And the work to stop that ball from spinning is never easy.

For now, I wait for relief.  I know that each day is going to feel different.  One day I will wake up and not feel sad anymore, but for now I am going to fight like hell to feel grateful for what I do have.  And for the person that I have become over the last four years with Kristen.  I have grown and changed and been afforded the opportunity to see life in a completely different way.  Kristen helped me through the loss of both of my grandmothers, my father's break down, my brother disowning our family (then re-owning), my parents separation, living with my mother, trying to get pregnant, my father's motorcycle accident, taking over my own business, having to quit school... It hasn't been an easy time and she probably should have run a long time ago.  (For the record, there was no drama in my family before we were together.  The shit hit the fan about six months after we started dating and the shit storm is just starting to feel like it is slowing down.)  I know that people come into your life for a reason and maybe this was what she was sent to do--make me stronger and help me through the tough times.  It's just hard to imagine her not being "my person."  My best friend.

Anyway, I have rambled on forever.  I am sure that no one wants to read about how sad I am and for that I am sorry.  I know this started out as a blog for support on TTC but it looks like it is going to be my journal instead (at least for now).  I keep wondering if people will get mad at me for changing it all up, but I really just need to write for me right now.  Thanks for sticking with me if you are reading this.  I hope you all have a great Sunday!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Hard telling, not knowing

I know that I had posted last week to say that we were back on the TTC train.  Well, we fell off from it and the train behind it ran us over.  A little over a week ago Kristen said that she wasn't sure that she wanted "this" (our relationship) anymore.  She has said this before, but we have always talked through her feelings and moved on.  I feel that way once in a while too, but I always process it with my counselor and usually find that it is just me being fickle (one of my not so amazing traits).  Anyway,  this time Kristen and I are not doing well.  She can't decide if she wants to stay or go.  It is very difficult for me to try to give her the space to make that decision, but I know it is what needs to happen right now. 

Needless to say, I am devastated.  I go between not knowing how I am going to do life without her, to having hope for our relationship, to not wanting to stick around and wait for her to figure out what she wants.  I am not entirely sure that I know what I want... I just know that we have built a life together and I don't want to throw it away without trying, seriously trying, to fix what's broken.  I know that we will never go back to the relationship that we had (which is probably a good thing) but there is a part of me that feels like we can get to a better place.  I want to put the work in to make it there, but I am not sure that Kristen wants to. 

I know you all read this blog for TTC news, but unfortunately it doesn't look like that is going to be on my radar for a while.  We did have a vial arrive last week while the shit was hitting the fan.  I called our doctor and asked them to store it for us.  So, I have a vial ready and waiting, but I want to get through this first.  Get back to good, alone or together.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!  I am on my way to a childcare conference... should be interesting.