If I was being completely honest, I would have to say that I am frustrated with this whole process. Do I want a baby? Yes, absolutely. But the constant checking of temperatures and comparing charts from one month to the next or to other charts online to see what it could possibly mean drives me crazy. Namely because everyone's charts seem to be as individual as the person they represent.
This morning Ashley woke me up saying that her temperature had dropped and how could she be pregnant if that's the case? Well, Ashley's chart this month looks a bit like a roller coaster and I'm not really sure any answers could lie within the crests and troughs. And, again to be honest, I'm always more than just a little disappointed that these things bring her down before her period has even thought about appearing. I prepare myself each round to find out if we're having a baby about 14 days after our attempts, so when I find out on day 7 that something has made her believe she's not, I get really annoyed. Not with Ashley, but with the fact that all the charting and waiting for signs comes out of nowhere to trip you up. I've been really excited this time--probably just because we went to a doctor, but still--and now I don't know how to feel about it. Is it ridiculous to remain hopeful when Ashley's temp dropped today? Also, that stupid charting has made Ashley crazy. She's so upset that we're not pregnant and we don't even know for sure yet!
After I ate breakfast I took my frustration online and researched BBT charts and their meanings and read a few forums where women were asking about manic-looking charts and BBT drops and spikes and tried to find something to make both Ashley and myself feel better about this morning. I found a few things that suggests that charting is just a helpful tool that is not necessarily proof of anything at all (that may be my bias coming through here). Some women had completely inconsistent charts and still got a positive pregnancy test without ever having a temperature spike. Having read all that, I'm feeling a little bit better. I told Ashley about it and I think it soothed her a little but I know that in her gut it's hard for her to ignore what's on paper.
It seems that lately when I write I always have something to complain about, but I am honestly happy and excited at the prospect of raising a child with Ashley. I don't, however, want to ignore any of the dirty, ugly, or sad moments that happen along the way because making a baby as a gay couple isn't all sunshine and rainbows and to pretend that it is would be a lie to any other gay couple in our situation.
On a lighter note, on my way to visit my family I was flipping through a SkyMall magazine and found a plaque for a child's room that I loved that said, "Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." I think we should all have one of those in our homes, not just for our children but for ourselves, too.
To all the pregnant ladies, I hope all is well and congrats to those who just got positives! Keep us in mind as we wait out our next 7 days!
Until next time,
Kristen
I forget--have you been doing any other tracking techniques (CM, OPKs)? Temps can be tricky, especially since if the weather changes or you wake up to pee or something it could throw them off. Don't give up hope until you see red (or 2 blue lines)! I found that not temping in the TWW helped, actually. One less thing to worry about, and you can always pick up again if you have to.
ReplyDeleteAshley does both CM and OPKs before each round but after our ICI/IUI I believe she stops. The positive ovulation readings are faint and only show once a cycle (if I remember correctly) so whenever we get a line, it's time for IUI! I think we've both calmed down but this morning was definitely stressful!
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