And I hate it. I feel like my being a grump completely compromises what we're trying to do here. Does that make sense? Guess I try to find rationality in all of this. So maybe we're not pregnant. Fine. We're not. It didn't happen this month. But do I have to like having the rug pulled out unexpectedly?
Ashley said I should write and I've really been wanting to avoid it until I felt better about things. The other day I overheard Ashley calling the doctor's office to ask for Clomid for next month and I got angry. I got angry because day 10 is day 10. It is not the end. And while I understand the importance of planning ahead for Clomid (especially with the holidays) I am angry that it is getting tougher and tougher for me to keep a positive outlook. Not that I think it will never happen--I know it will--but I am this bystander in all of this and just have to accept when Ashley is ready to accept that she's not pregnant. Well... this time I wasn't ready for that.
Christmas is right around the corner and although I've got a little grump living inside of me, it's not there all the time and I know it's going to pass. We have a fun weekend planned with Ashley's mom, visiting her aunt out of state and I think getting away from the norm--together this time--will do us both some good.
What I am afraid of for Christmas, however, is that it will bring gifts for our future baby. Despite specifically telling people that baby gifts are a bad idea before there is a baby...
Well, anyway.
I'm looking forward to Christmas and hopefully proving Ashley wrong when she receives a positive test... but if not, I look forward to trying again next month. One of these months will be our month.
Good luck to all of you and Merry Christmas et al.
Kristen
I think it's ok to feel either positive or negative until one of you gets proven right (I hope it's you!). You can't always be on the same page, you know?
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