Tuesday, October 25, 2011


 I went for my first acupuncture treatment today.  I think it was much needed.  I really need to find some sort of balance in my life.  The guy asked me about how I breathe... I haven't really thought about it much lately, but I am a sucky breather!  My homework is to try to remind myself to breathe and try not to take such shallow breaths.  I really needed this.  I am already feeling about 50% better... during these next two weeks (or six weeks depending on when our next insemination is) are all about trying to ground myself a little more.  I need to slow down and remember not to take on other peoples' stuff.  Breathe...

By the way, Kristen just baked a chicken and she asked if I was typing about how good she is at cooking chicken.  I replied no, but I am just going to tell all of you that she is the chicken cooking master. :)


Living life two weeks at a time

This has been a tough week.  I guess this whole process is tough and I just need to get used to it.  I am not sure exactly how to do that though.  It feels like I am so completely weak because I cannot just dust myself off and move on each time without a giant melt down.  Part of me wonders why we are even doing this, and then I remember that there is a happy ending… just not necessarily right away.  I have never been super patient, but this has definitely proven that patience is not a virtue that I possess.

Like Kristen said, I really feel isolated in this whole thing.  She is supportive and kind and I really couldn’t ask for a better partner, but this is a process that is somewhat one-sided.  I guess I just need to feel like someone else knows what is happening with my body or try to give me suggestions.  How did everyone else get through this?


Feelings, feelings, so many feelings.

Another negative.

We're on to Plan B.  Ashley's done a lot of research and found a place that will assist us with IUI without requiring a meeting with a social worker and who also will not charge us absorbent amounts of money.  Because that's just something we don't have.  Ashley doesn't have insurance to cover the appointments either, so it's all out of pocket.  The first time around will be the most expensive, but we're preparing for it.  Right now, however, we're in a holding pattern.  The office Ashley contacted said they can't make an appointment with us until they receive her medical records and--from personal experience--that can be a long painful process.  When Ashley asked for her records to be sent over, however, the lady she spoke with said she'd take care of it herself.  Let's hope she does because I don't think we can wait two months before we get in for a preliminary visit.

It's been a tough few days for us here.  Ashley has been really sad and I have been feeling pretty helpless.  Other than the people who read our blog and comment to us or people who are on the donor forums, we don't know anyone who has gone through this process.  For Ashley, this is really tough.  Last night it became painfully obvious to me that even though we check in with each other and discuss our options and what we think the outcome might be, there are things she doesn't share with me because she feels like she can't.  And maybe she can't.  Maybe I don't understand--well, no, I don't understand.  I don't know what it's like to check my temperature every morning.  I don't know what it's like to watch everything I eat in preparation to be pregnant...

I don't know what it's like, even though I'm experiencing it right along with her.

So Ashley's feeling isolated.  And I'm feeling isolated.  And we're alone together, but totally alone.  Not that this directly relates, but when I was in France I had a conversation with my host sister about life and love.  She said to me that we're always searching for someone to be with so that we won't experience this life alone.  Then she said, "But we are alone.  We are always alone."  I felt that way until I met Ashley.  With her, I don't feel alone at all.  There are times, of course, where I feel alone in my opinions, but not in this life.  Last night, however, I felt like there was a clear line dividing us from one another.  Despite how hard I held her, there was a part of her that was far away.

I don't blame her.  I know how badly she wants this to happen.  I just wish that I could help it not hurt so much when it doesn't happen.  I want to secure our chance to become parents.  A few weeks ago as we began talking about IUI with a doctor, I found myself contemplating maxing credit cards in order to be able to do this.  I found myself willing to do whatever I could.  If money weren't an issue, if we had insurance, if things were different we could have started this a long time ago.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to doing IUI because I feel like the chances are up just enough that will make the difference.  Let's hope so.  Send us good vibes, please, that we get into this doctor soon and that we see success.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Next step

After taking two pregnancy tests and seeing the "Not Pregnant" yet again, I am gearing up for Plan B.  I think I have found a OBGYN that does IUI and seems more supportive of our "lifestyle."  It is the practice that my PCP had recommended that I go to when we got pregnant, but of course it happened to be the last place I called (duh, Ashley!).  It was so nice to speak with someone on the phone that didn't automatically say "you and your husband" or tell me that I needed to see a social worker.  The woman was actually kind, supportive, and didn't seem taken aback by the fact that "my partner and I are using donor sperm."  Maybe the fact that we live in Maine makes a difference, but I truly didn't think it would be this difficult to find a place that felt comfortable for me. 

Kristen and I have talked about the additional cost and figured out that we may have to try every other month or every few months.  However, the practice that we are going to use has a 30% discount for people who do not have insurance or their insurance doesn't cover stuff.  That will help a lot!

As much as I was expecting to see the "Not Pregnant," it still hurt.  I don't think there is ever a time that you don't feel the blow of those simple words.  How do you not feel as if you have lost something?  I guess eventually I will get pregnant and forget all about this, but for now I feel a little beat up and bruised.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011


I am very frustrated and grouchy this week.  I feel like this whole baby thing is unattainable.  My insurance doesn't cover anything unless I have a diagnosed illness (oh, I do get one well women visit a year).  So, I can't have a ton of testing done unless we pay for it out of pocket.  Meanwhile, Kristen has great health insurance, but because I am not married to her (and cannot be legally married to her in the state of ME), I cannot go on her insurance.  Maybe we are jumping the gun and trying to get pregnant too soon (financially), but I feel like waiting until my eggs are older just sets us up for more issues.  Where do we go from here?

Now that we have started this process, the idea of taking time off is extremely difficult.  I feel like it is admitting defeat or something.  I definitely have found some flaws in my personality through this whole process.  I am impatient and a super perfectionist.  I guess I knew these things before, but they are sure coming out now.  I would hate to think about what it would be like on Clomid!  I am not sure Kristen would stick around for that. ;) 

Anyway, I suppose I should get back to work.  I am having a hard time focusing today.  I hope everyone is having a good day and I am sending some baby dust your way.


Friday, October 14, 2011

Try number 3...

October 2nd was our 3rd anniversary and I hoped that this month would be a lucky one for us.  While we do not yet know if we're pregnant, I'm already feeling defeated.  This at-home baby-making is complicated.  There's so much that you have to chart and process.  I definitely have the easier end of the job because Ashley charts her ovulation and checks her mucus and all that.  I basically just assist in the fun part.

This time around, though, Ashley had me take a more active role in trying to pinpoint ovulation (which is no easy task, especially for a novice).  I checked a few times but I never really know what I'm looking for--I haven't studied those things, she has.  So this time around I felt a lot less adequate at the whole thing.

Ashley asked about doing IUI at home which involves a catheter right to the uterus which sounds terribly freighting.  She says I should try and study up on it and maybe attempt it, but I think it's a little too clinical for me.

All of this is a result of the fact that we're not 100% sure we hit her ovulation in time.  Again.  Yeah--well, it's not the easiest thing to time.  So of course we're both prematurely depressed at the thought that our TWW is going to result in another negative reading.  Ashley's been researching REs and I've been considering this Travis fella for a number of reasons, namely that it's FREE and that sperm lives much longer when it's not frozen.  These are the two big aspects in favor of asking Travis to assist us.  There are also many downsides.  The one on my mind right now is that we'd have to get a lawyer involved much earlier than if we used an anonymous donor.

There are a lot of things going on in our minds and all before we even know if we have to worry.  But there have been a number of people around us lately saying things like, "getting pregnant takes a long time."  Feel like it's some sort of sign.  Conversely, my co-worker just had a baby (with the same name I'd like to give my son--leading Ashley to consider VETOing it! Boo!), some friends from college just announced their pregnancy (IVF after 2.5 years of trying IUI), and another friend just gave birth.  Could that not be some kind of sign too?

Anyway, I'm not going to mope around until I know for sure.  Ashley mentioned our trip into nature last weekend and, as soon as I'm at my own computer, I'll post a picture or two.

Until next time,

Thursday, October 13, 2011

How can they do that?

Even though we are in our two week wait, I am looking around at different reproductive clinics to try to find a place to do IUI next month.  It was only our third ICI (and we don't even know if it worked or not), but it is probably time to have a doctor help with this process. 

So, I just called reproductive clinic in our area and asked about the associated fees.  First off, they require a bunch of blood work and a first office visit... understandable.  After that, the cost seems a little crazy.  They said that you need to have an X-ray of your uterus.  Now, for anyone that knows me, you know that I am TOTALLY organic and avoid anything that may be potentially harmful to me (or my children) in the future.  I avoid things like X-rays like the plague... now why would I want to expose my baby making region to harmful electromagnetic rays???  Call me crazy, but that seems a little counter productive. 

Next, they told me that if we planned on using donor sperm that we would need to go see a social worker for an evaluation before you can proceed.  Is this normal procedure for all clinics?  Kristen and I have spent a lot of time weighing out options, talking to my primary care doctor, friends and family.  Now I have to qualify my decision with a professional???  So, I got off the phone and cried a little bit.  I just feel like there are a million obstacles put up in front of us.  We will be good, loving parents so why do I need to prove myself time and time again when there are so many people that have children that they never even wanted???  I feel a little defeated today.  I guess I should just relax a little bit and wait to see if I am even pregnant before I freak out completely. :)

On a much happier note... Kristen, Banjo (our dog), and I went away over Columbus Day weekend.  It was so awesome because the foliage was beautiful; we got to relax, and had some hiking adventures.  Every time I have the opportunity to spend time with Kristen, I fall in love with her all over.  It sounds corny, but we rarely see each other, so I feel like it is important that I feel so in love when we do get to hang out.  Banjo had the best time ever.  He loves to be in the woods, so being at a camp near a river (that he wouldn't stop playing in) and going hiking was the best!  I am really happy that we had the chance to do that. 

I have had a couple really weird dreams this week... I hope that means that we are pregnant.  I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up this time.  It feels like a major loss each time it doesn't work so I have to remain as level headed as possible. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Looking back

Now that I have my ovulation charts from the last eight months, I can see why we didn't get pregnant previously.  I totally jumped the gun!  I have this intense fear that I am going to miss my ovulation entirely and use the sperm when it is completely useless.  I know that I ovulate on Day 15, but I really can't help myself when it comes to thinking that it is coming early.  Today is Day 11 and I already had that "oh no, I think I am ovulating" feeling.  I know it is just me being neurotic, but it is incredibly difficult not to be.  I told Kristen not to let me even talk about inseminating before Monday.  Let's see if I can hold out (or she can hold me back). 

One super exciting thing... we are going away this weekend!  It always seems like we take a lot of vacations, but I am pretty sure that we need all of them.  We are going up to a camp that my friend owns near Sugarloaf (ski resort).  I guess they have scenic chairlift rides, ziplines, hiking, etc.  It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend, so I can't wait!  We will be able to try to make a baby while we are away too so maybe the low stress will be helpful. 

Hope everyone is doing well in their quest to become parents!  Here's hoping that our weekend away will prove successful on the baby front!