Feelings, feelings, so many feelings.

Another negative.

We're on to Plan B.  Ashley's done a lot of research and found a place that will assist us with IUI without requiring a meeting with a social worker and who also will not charge us absorbent amounts of money.  Because that's just something we don't have.  Ashley doesn't have insurance to cover the appointments either, so it's all out of pocket.  The first time around will be the most expensive, but we're preparing for it.  Right now, however, we're in a holding pattern.  The office Ashley contacted said they can't make an appointment with us until they receive her medical records and--from personal experience--that can be a long painful process.  When Ashley asked for her records to be sent over, however, the lady she spoke with said she'd take care of it herself.  Let's hope she does because I don't think we can wait two months before we get in for a preliminary visit.

It's been a tough few days for us here.  Ashley has been really sad and I have been feeling pretty helpless.  Other than the people who read our blog and comment to us or people who are on the donor forums, we don't know anyone who has gone through this process.  For Ashley, this is really tough.  Last night it became painfully obvious to me that even though we check in with each other and discuss our options and what we think the outcome might be, there are things she doesn't share with me because she feels like she can't.  And maybe she can't.  Maybe I don't understand--well, no, I don't understand.  I don't know what it's like to check my temperature every morning.  I don't know what it's like to watch everything I eat in preparation to be pregnant...

I don't know what it's like, even though I'm experiencing it right along with her.

So Ashley's feeling isolated.  And I'm feeling isolated.  And we're alone together, but totally alone.  Not that this directly relates, but when I was in France I had a conversation with my host sister about life and love.  She said to me that we're always searching for someone to be with so that we won't experience this life alone.  Then she said, "But we are alone.  We are always alone."  I felt that way until I met Ashley.  With her, I don't feel alone at all.  There are times, of course, where I feel alone in my opinions, but not in this life.  Last night, however, I felt like there was a clear line dividing us from one another.  Despite how hard I held her, there was a part of her that was far away.

I don't blame her.  I know how badly she wants this to happen.  I just wish that I could help it not hurt so much when it doesn't happen.  I want to secure our chance to become parents.  A few weeks ago as we began talking about IUI with a doctor, I found myself contemplating maxing credit cards in order to be able to do this.  I found myself willing to do whatever I could.  If money weren't an issue, if we had insurance, if things were different we could have started this a long time ago.


Anyway, I'm looking forward to doing IUI because I feel like the chances are up just enough that will make the difference.  Let's hope so.  Send us good vibes, please, that we get into this doctor soon and that we see success.


-Kristen