Friday, January 27, 2012

Cycle day 3

I went to see my doctor on Wednesday for a Clomid check. My ovaries are fine and she said we can press on with this journey. She wanted me to use Letrozole instead of Clomid this month. Letrozole is the generic for femora which aparently works just as well (if not better) than Clomid but typically doesn't have the same side effects. I started it today and so far I do not have a throbbing headache... that is a step in the right direction. However, I am so grouchy today. I feel like I need to cry, scream, or throw something. I am not sure if this is because of the Letrozole or it is just because I am really tired due to the cold that I have been fighting off. Either way, I am trying with all my might to get through the day. I hope that this is just due to the cold because I really want the Letrozole to work and not make me feel icky. Fingers crossed.

I hope everyone has had a good week. Happy Friday! :)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Almost nine months

For the last (almost) nine months, I have been focused. I have had my eye on the prize. I thought that if I put everything I have into this process (money, energy, research) we would have a baby in no time. Now, I am looking at try #6 and I feel more defeated each time.

Everyone in my family just gets pregnant. No one ever thinks about getting pregnant or tries to get pregnant... it just happens. Both of my parents are one of eight children. My mother has 6 sisters and ALL of them have gotten pregnant easily. I have a cousin with 10 kids. There are four sets of twins in the family (no fertility drugs used). Heck, even my sister-in-law said "you know how they tell you in sex ed that pre-cum can get you pregnant? Well, it's true. That's how I got pregnant with G." (I know, way too much info from someone that is married to my BROTHER!) BUT, my point is, trying to get pregnant doesn't exist in my world (or hasn't). I never thought that I would start trying to get pregnant at the end of spring and that almost three seasons would go by and still no progress.

I am going to try to plug on, but there is a piece of me that kind of wants to give up for a little while. I feel more anxious each month about the money that we are spending. I don't know how to be positive anymore. I am dreading going back on Clomid (or something like Clomid) because of the week's worth of horrible headaches that I had last month.

Anyway, I have whined for far too long. I am sorry for being such a downer today. I just drove back from Connecticut and thought about our baby making process the whole way back. Four hours of marinating in perceived failure is never good for anyone. I hope everyone has a good day!

Friday, January 20, 2012

I have a dream...

Well, had a dream. This morning I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of excitement. I had been dreaming that I took three pregnancy tests in a row and they were positive. The dream was so vivid... I was so happy. Then I woke up. I had that feeling of excitement in my chest and had to talk myself back down to cautiously optimistic before I got up to go POAS. I kept trying to tell myself that it probably wouldn't be positive and not to get my hopes up. In the back of my head I was just sure that I would see a positive this time. NEGATIVE. You know, having that dream right before taking the test was like someone's cruel joke. I felt like my heart had been ripped out when I saw the negative. To go from elation (even if it wasn't real) to extreme disappointment really sucked this morning. BUT, I just keep on trudging.

I went to acupuncture this morning which was great. My acupuncturist is really awesome and he typically knows the right things to say when life isn't going my way. The treatment was much needed and I am a little less disappointed.

I am trying to think about how next month is going to go. We used our last vial of sperm this month, so we need to buy more. I think we will switch donors. I am not sure that the donor will make much difference, but making a change makes me feel better. Looking at the third IUI and sixth try at getting pregnant is a little disheartening, but I am going to try to be optimistic. Once you have tried five times, how do you not start to feel like there is something wrong with you??? I have worked really hard at this... I need some payoff soon because I am starting to feel kind of broken.

Anyway, I am going to try to pull myself together now. I think I am fine and then I get all emotional. I don't know how to not feel that way. I think it is just part of the process. Kristen is helpful because she just hugs me and shares in my disappointment. This morning though, she did the shoveling. That was one of the best gifts she could have given me. I expected to have to go out and do it, but she did it. It was great!

I hope everyone has had a great week! Best of luck trying to conceive and with your pregnancies.

And the chase is on.

Ashley woke me up this morning saying, "The test said no."

I laid in bed for a while. I let my heart sink a little. I'd gone and let my hopes rise. It's only day 11, but I'm taking it for face value and expecting to do another round next month.

Ashley seems to be doing all right with the news. I only saw her for a short period this morning before she head off to acupuncture but while I moped around, she pushed through. Of course we're both disappointed, but what else can you do but push on. She mentioned trying a new donor which is probably a good idea. We'll have to think a little more before we make our next move.

It snowed here last night. Only the second--maybe third--snow of the season. I like this one the best as it's all light and fluffy and easy to shovel. And it's a little beautiful, too.

Good luck to you all.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Need to test...

I secretly took a pregnancy test on Tuesday (Day 8 of TWW). It was negative which was totally expected. Whether I am pregnant or not, I would expect to see a negative on Day 8. Compulsive much? I didn't tell Kristen until a few minutes ago because I was afraid she would be mad at me.

I am going to test tomorrow (day 11) and hope that I see something good. This month I have been more positive about the possibility of being pregnant, but now doubt is starting to creep in. I just need to hold it together and try not to explode with anticipation before tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

So far so good.

I don't know what it is about this month but instead of being worried, I am comfortable and happy. Ashley says she feels pregnant and I wonder what that means. She says it's just a feeling and not to get excited. And while I'm not excited, I'm definitely not stressed out either. I think even if she started testing on day 9 or something ridiculous I'd be okay with it. Just one of those months, I guess.

The other day I called my brother to check in. I haven't heard too much from him since my visit. After we'd been on the phone for a bit, he asked how Ashley and I were doing. I said, "Oh, we're fine. Still trying to get pregnant. Chuggin' along." He was quiet a minute before saying, "You know I think you're stupid, don't you?"


He went on to explain that he thought we should wait until we're both out of school because neither of us will be able to finish once we have a baby. I wasn't really taken aback by this. My brother has always sort of expected me to fail and I don't take it personally. I think he expects everyone to fail. When I was in high school I went through a few tough years where attending school wasn't the easiest thing for me to do. During that time he told me that I probably wouldn't finish high school. Welp... I did. And I'll do this, too. I remind myself that it's all out of love.


A cold January day

Today the temperature is lingering around 0 degrees. With the windchill it is even colder. I am doing everything in my power to stay inside and not open any doors. Maybe I am a wuss, but I really dislike winter in Maine sometimes. I love snow... it is beautiful. During snow storms it is so nice to cuddle, drink some hot tea, and watch the snow fall. It is even cooler to be in a hot tub outside during a snow storm. I just love snow. Cold... not so much! I am hoping that this cold snap is short lived.

It has been six days since our IUI and I am convinced that I am pregnant. I don't know why, but that is how I feel. This feeling scares the s*** out of me because I really don't want to be disappointed if we get another NOT PREGNANT. I told Kristen the other night that I think I am pregnant, but not to get her hopes up. Hopefully, we will get good news this month. I really need to try to remain realistic and not get too excited.

Yesterday and today I have been a little nauseous in the afternoon. I don't know if it is psychosomatic or real. It could just be some sort of virus too. Everyone is sick around here, so a virus may be the best explanation.

Last night I went out to dinner with my old roommate. I have known him since seventh grade and I was living with him when I met Kristen. He is going to school in Orono which is pretty far away. Needless to say, I haven't seen him for a while. I didn't know how much I missed him until I got to hang out with him last night. We sat and talked at the restaurant for five hours. It was so fun! He is one of those people that just understands me and I get him. So glad I got to go out with him last night.

Well, I am going to do some laundry. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend! If you live in the Northeast... STAY WARM!!! :)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

IUI #2, Pregnancy attempt #5

So, as I said before, I got my positive OPK on Saturday at 10am. I was a little bummed because I was going to have to wait 48 hours before I could get the IUI done, but now I am feeling a little better about it. We called the doctor on call (which was our doctor) on Sunday morning and she gave us an 8:15 appointment with another doctor (Dr. A). He was the guy that we saw after our follicle check last month. He has very little personality and he never cracks a smile, but if he can get the job done...

So, Kristen and I went in at 8:30 and were brought back to the room. The nurse asked us a bunch of questions and then said the doctor would be right in. I got undressed and laid on the table. Dr. A came in and said "have we met before?" I said "yes, about six weeks ago." I always think it's odd when doctors say stuff like that. I feel like they should look at your chart and know for sure who you are. Anyway, he asked if we had any questions, we said no. Then he did the IUI and was out of the room about three minutes later. The catheter slipped right in again, so my cervix was open and there was good cervical mucus so that is a good sign.

After the IUI, I went home and relaxed for a few hours and made homemade organic chicken and rice soup. So delicious! Then I worked at the day care for a few hours yesterday afternoon. There was just one child so it was really low-key. So far this month there was very little cramping after the IUI and I am feeling good!

Today my temperature spiked and my cervical mucus is not like egg whites anymore. So, today was the shift to progesterone territory. I am pretty happy about that because now I am sure that we did the IUI in the fertile window. Hopefully good things will come of it!

I am going to start taking a Vitex supplement tonight. I didn't take it last month and my hormones were crazy between ovulation and the start of my period. I get pretty bad PMS, so the Vitex is great during that time. It is also really good at increasing progesterone so hopefully it will help with the baby making. Although I am really trying to take as little as possible during this TTC process, the Vitex is a necessity. I am a little crazy without it! :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week so far. Tons of baby dust to everyone that is TTC!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Months worth of neglected photos.



Sometime before or after seeing the Nutcracker.

After our first IUI

Our Banjo!

And one for Ashley--cause she loves it!

Now, from this point I'll try not to overload a single post with photos. Ha. Hope you are all doing well.

Oh... and in response to Ashley's last post about how I didn't want to be the bad guy with Banjo... she was right. :)


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Positive OPK

As predicted, I got a positive OPK today. Based on my cycles I knew that I would get the positive today and be due for our IUI tomorrow. BUT the doctor's office is closed tomorrow so I have to call the doctor on call tomorrow (which happens to be my doctor) to set up a time to go in on Monday morning. I may ask to have an ultrasound prior to the IUI to see what is going on with the follicle prior to using our vial of swimmers. It will be sometime around 48 hours after our positive LH surge, so I am not sure if it will be worth it. If not, we will wait until next month.

For now, I am going to remain hopeful. I have done a really good job of putting the baby making out of my mind this month, but now I am kind of freaking out. I guess there is nothing I can do but to hope that everything works out ok.

Side note... Banjo (our dog) is obsessed with sleeping on our futon. I am pretty sure that he thinks it is his own personal bed. Anyway, today I took the cover off to wash it so I am not letting him on it until the cover is put back on. He is like a fish out of water. He has no clue where to go or what to do. He even keeps looking at me like I am an evil, horrible mommy. No wonder Kristen asked me to wash it... she didn't want to be the bad guy. ;)

Friday, January 6, 2012

Never a dull moment

On Wednesday morning I ended up in urgent care with a throbbing headache. I had the headache on and off since Friday afternoon. It was getting worse any time I did any kind of physical activity. It was pretty obnoxious! By mid-morning on Wednesday I could hardly stand it. Kristen took me to urgent care where they decided to do a CT scan because they couldn't see cause for my headache. After the scan, some meds and some fluids they concluded that the headaches were probably due to the Clomid. They let me go with a diagnosis of "headache (unspecified)" and gave me pain meds. I didn't fill the script for pain meds because I knew that I had an appointment with the OB on Thursday morning.

Yesterday morning I went in to the OBs office and told her about the headaches, etc. and she said that it was probably the Clomid that caused them. In addition, I had been retaining water like crazy (like my eyes were little slits my face was so puffy) and my doctor said that Clomid can do that too. Yippee! Anyway, she gave me some pain meds that are ok to take around conception and I am going to get those filled to have on hand just in case another horrible headache arises. So far, I have had just dull headaches for the last two days. I can totally tolerate that.

At the OBs yesterday we had our ultrasound. It was Day 12 and I have two follicles... 1 good one and 1 that may be ok. They are 15mm and 11mm. My doctor said that everything looked good and to call when I got a positive OPK. I am really looking forward to ovulation this month because it is going to shift my hormones and hopefully get rid of these headaches completely. Here's hoping!

Quick notes on other things going on in my life...

1) My mother is going to sign papers to sell one of her day cares today. I know she is super tired and needs a break from running two day cares, but it is the end of an era and I know that it is very bitter-sweet for her. Plus, I am a little bit sad that she didn't offer me the business before selling it to one of her employees. When I brought it up to her she said she had higher hopes for me. I guess I have higher hopes for myself too, but just the option would have been nice. No use in worrying at this point though.

2) This is the "busy season" at my other job (managing a weight loss program). Everyone has decided that they need to get healthy for their new years resolution. I am all for getting healthy and feeling good, but this is a bit much. Holy moly it has been busy!!! I guess it is good that we are so busy considering the economy. Good job security, I guess!

Anyway... I hope everyone has had a good week. Best of luck with the baby making!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Checking in

I haven't been writing lately because I have been trying to completely avoid everything baby. I needed some time to be me and let the baby making stuff slip to the back of my mind. It has worked and I feel much better. I knew that somewhere inside of me there was someone a little less neurotic... I have found pieces of her and it is pretty amazing! I have let myself do things that I haven't been since we started TTC. I have been eating forbidden foods, drinking coffee, and even having alcohol. I know that caffeine and alcohol can decrease fertility, but I needed some time to be normal. I have really enjoyed it and I feel like the people around me have appreciated it (probably without consciously realizing it).

On the baby making front... I took Clomid this month. I started on either day 3 or 5 of my cycle. My period was odd this month and I am not entirely sure what day to consider my "DAY 1." I think that not knowing which day was the right day kind of gave me permission to let go of this process a little and realize that I cannot do this conceiving thing perfectly. Anyway, we are going in at 8:30 on Thursday morning for a follicle check (either day 12 or 14). Hopefully everything looks good and we can proceed with the IUI.

I have been having these weird throbbing headaches since Friday. I keep trying to think of foods that I ate that may have caused them or something that I could have done... I can't come up with anything. They happen mostly when I bend down or exert myself. I did cardio yoga the other day and it got really bad. On Saturday the acupuncturist asked if I had something going on with my eyes. I was like 'no' and went about my session as usual. Well, this morning I woke up with the headache and a really bloodshot eye. So, I am going to talk to the doctor that I work for and see if he has any ideas of what may be causing this. Hopefully it is something simple that has an easy fix.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a wonderful holiday season! I look forward to hearing about all of your adventures in the new year.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy new year to all!

I hope everyone had a great new year celebration! Congratulations to all our preggo friends. This is year you will get to have a baby and introduce them to Christmas, new year, and all the beautiful things life and love can bring.

I've been working on picture posting and sort of gave up, but I'll give it a go again soon.

- Kristen