Monday, December 17, 2012

What happened?

Something.... something happened in my brain or soul or whatever that has made me sad.  It has been a fairly regular feeling for the last three weeks and I just can't seem to shake it.  Last week I thought that yoga or meditation may be the magical panacea, but it just doesn't seem that way. 

Things are difficult because I am feeling pretty alone in the world.  Before Kristen and I got together, my mom and I were very close.  Whenever things got bad I leaned on her.  It wasn't always a good thing because she is not all that great at being supportive, but I always felt close enough to her so that I never felt alone.  Truthfully, I haven't had a really good, reliable friend in my life.  Most of them were nice to my face but talked behind my back or fooled around with my brother (when he was in middle school) or stole my boyfriend.  It has just always been me against the world with my mother to fall back on.

When Kristen and I got together she slowly became "my person."  I could tell her anything, be myself in front of her, allow myself to be vulnerable.  I had never had that before. 

When I started going to counseling last spring, my counselor started talking to me about how I need to have better boundaries with my mother.  Although my mom has always been there for me, she can also be one of the meanest people I know.  My counselor felt that I needed to establish boundaries to avoid being hurt by her all the time.  So, I did just that.  I set up boundaries, made a point to tell her only things that would be non-controversial, and told her that there were some things in her life that I should not know (as her child).  The boundaries have worked like a charm.  My mother has been making me much less angry and hurt over the last 4-6 months and I feel like it was a great step toward growing up.

The downside... My mother was my fallback before Kristen.  Now that I have set such clear boundaries and recognized the areas in which I should not trust my mother, it is impossible to go back.  So, without my mother and Kristen, I am back to being alone in the world. 

Kristen is dating again.  I don't know if it is the girl that she "wanted to explore her feelings for" before we broke up, but she has found someone else.  How does that happen?  How do you go from making mix CDs of love songs and taking your fiancee out to anniversary dinners one month and then fall into bed with someone else the next???  Maybe I am having a harder time without because I am still living in "our house."  Her stuff is still all around me.  Kristen is still a part of me but I have been washed clean out of her life.  I ask again, how does that happen? 

I don't want her back.  I am better off without her because I know that someday I will find a much deeper love.  I do have faith that there is someone that will fit into my life better than she did.  But right now, how do I stop grieving the loss of "my person," our family, and everything we had together?  I feel like Kristen didn't even skip a beat.  How do you do that?  Seriously, I want the secret.

Anyway, now that I have written a long sob story.  I guess I will go read a book and escape for a while.  I am really sorry that most of my entries are depressing.  Someday my life will be happy and exciting and hopefully you guys will still be around to hear about it.  I hope you all have a great Monday!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Ethical dilemma???

SO, I posted this comment on facebook last night (after this situation happened):

"Funny story... I came down to CT to visit my aunt and uncle for the weekend. My aunt has been watching the news all day and totally forgot that I was coming. She also didn't mention it to my uncle. So, I came in at quarter of ten and they were already in bed. I went upstairs and started to get stuff out of my bag and I heard their bedroom door open so I went to the top of the stairs to say hi. Standing at the bottom of the stairs was my uncle IN THE NUDE with a gun in his hand. That's right folks, I almost met my maker with my uncle's naked body being the last sight I ever saw. Lucky for me, he recognized me and went to put a bathrobe on. He thought I was a burglar. Ha."

I had 31 friends "like" it, and 14 comments saying how funny it was.  Then my aunt's friend called her and told her that I really should take that comment off facebook after what happened yesterday.  I am deeply saddened by the horrible events that played out yesterday in Newtown, CT.  It is so tragic and appalling and evil.  My comment on facebook was in no way intended to make light of guns or anything like that.  I was just conveying my thoughts on a relatively comical situation that had just taken place.

Anyway, my aunt passed the phone over to me so her friend could tell me her thoughts on why I should take the post down.  I have known this lady for like 20 years (I see her a few times a year at parties and stuff).  I see her point, but I am also very annoyed.  I am 29 years old.  I am not a child.  If she did not like my post, then don't read it, or put a negative comment on there.  I don't care... but I just feel like I was scolded.  It has been SEVERAL years since I have felt scolded by an adult.  So not cool.  I ended up taking the comment down and unfriending her.  I am all set with having her police my facebook page.  So much for freedom of speech. :/   

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Intention without attachment

So I mentioned that I have been meditating.  I was doing this "meditation challenge" with Deepak Chopra (who I love).  Anyway, one of his big principles is the Law of Detachment.  Basically, you should have intentions and work toward goals but you cannot have an attachment to the outcome.  I had a lesson in this today.  I found out that I am not eligible for financial aid at USM because I started a semester 11 years ago and then withdrew.  Apparently it made me have poor academic standing and my 4.0 from the last two years of school and my membership in Phi Theta Kappa (honor society) don't count.  The lady told me that I can appeal the decision but even if they approve it I will only be eligible for grants (no scholarships) and I will be on academic probation. 

My lesson in attachment... I was almost sure that I was going to get a "free ride" to USM.  I just assumed that a competitive school like UNE would give me much less than a state school.  I was so wrong.  Although my actions (11 years ago) are the cause of my crappy financial aid situation, I just don't feel like it is fair.  I got really mad and started crying when I got off the phone.  BUT THEN... I remembered that I shouldn't have gotten attached to the outcome.  My desire is to go to school in the spring.  I want to enjoy my education and get my Bachelor's degree, it really doesn't matter which school I go to.  Sure, UNE is three times more expensive than USM but they also are a more competitive school.  It will look better when I try to get into grad school and I think I will be challenged more academically if I am at UNE.  Plus, I wanted to go to UNE; it was my first choice.  The only reason that I was going to go to USM was to save money.  Well, fuck money!  I am going to my first choice school, I am going to enjoy every minute of it, and I am going to make a point to never complain about the six figure student loan debt I am going to accrue.

The other thing that has happened this week that was a lesson in "the universe" or God... I got a job!  About a month ago I told my acupuncturist that I was going to be looking for a part time job once the day care closed.  He said he would keep it in mind.  Although I wasn't getting stressed (yet) about not having any job prospects, I knew that I had to get in gear pretty quickly to find something.  I was dreading the application/interview process and I really didn't want most of the jobs that are typically part time gigs (retail, food service, etc.).  On Saturday, my acupuncturist asked me what my school schedule is for the spring semester.  I told him I didn't know yet.  He then said to let him know once I get my schedule finalized because he wants to hire me.  I am going to take care of his two children starting in January.  He has a two year old and a four week old.  I am so excited to be able to take care of two beautiful kids for a family that I really like and respect.  The best part about it... I put my intentions out to the universe and got a job.  I know that it will not always work like that, but I am really grateful that it worked that way this time.

Another thing that I figured out today is that I feel EXPONENTIALLY better when I do yoga.  I was feeling ok after Kristen moved out.  I was sad, but able to spend a lot of time feeling gratitude for what I do have.  Three weeks ago I sprained my ankle and I have had a cold for the last two weeks.  Having the physical ailments has prevented me from doing yoga and I have slowly begun feeling more sad.  I finally was able to do a full hour of yoga today and I immediately felt better.  It was like I just flipped a switch.  Who knew that yoga could make that big of a difference for me?  So, with this new knowledge, I am going to try to keep up with my yoga practice.  Hopefully my ankle holds out.

Anyway, I hope that everyone had a good day.  I am going to eat a tasty dinner and take Banjo for a walk.  Good way to end my day off.  :)

A quiet Thursday morning

I don't have any place I need to be until 1pm today.  Banjo and I are sitting on the couch in front of the Christmas tree watching the news.  I feel grateful that he is here and that I am in a warm apartment, but I am sad this week.  Don't know if it is the upcoming holidays or what, but it is difficult not to feel kinda sad.  I know that Kristen and I are better off as friends, but it doesn't change the fact that I have spent the last 4 years with her.  I think the loss of the idea of "our family" is hard too.  We had planned on having a beautiful child by now and it's really hard to think about the fact that it's just me.  Banjo is here sometimes, but for the most part, it's just me against the world.

I e-mailed the day care parents last night to tell them that the day care will be closing in a month.  I think that is contributing to my sadness.  I have grown very close to the kids and their families and I feel like I am letting them down.  I know that I need to do what is best for me and my future, but I wish that I didn't have to feel like I am hurting people in the process.  I know that the kids will be ok and that they will probably never remember me or having to transition to a new day care.  It is just sad.

In the process of switching schools, I am going to have to stop seeing my counselor.  I started seeing her because I was the partner of a UNE student.  Then, I enrolled at UNE so I could see her as a student.  Now, I am neither going to be a student or the partner of a student.  I know that I am probably going to be fine without her, but she has been a great resource over the last nine months.  I feel like I have grown so much and I owe a lot of that to her help.  It is going to be a weird transition without her.

Anyway, I am sorry that this is kind of a depressing post.  I have tried very hard to remain optimistic throughout this break up but for now I think I just need to feel sad.  I am sure the sadness will lift and new, greater happiness will present itself.  I feel like I have been blessed in so many ways over the last year and I trust that things will be great!

On the positive side... I was accepted into the program to go build houses in Mexico for a week.  I am really excited to be part of that.  I have never been to Mexico that that will be cool but I am also really looking forward to helping others.  I have greatly enjoyed volunteering at the local soup kitchen.  I really love talking to other volunteers and the clients.  I feel like I am doing something good for our community and meeting people that I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet.

For now, I am going to take Banjo to the dog park to meet one of our good friends.  He is going to be so happy when he realizes that it isn't going to be just a boring morning. :)  I hope everyone is having a great day!    

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A month later

It has been a month since Kristen and I split up.  It feels like much longer than that.  It feels like there has been closure and we are both doing ok separately.  How did that happen in a month?  I still have moments where I miss her presence.  The first two weeks were weird because I kept subconsciously  expecting to walk into a room and see her there.  It was funny because for the first two weeks I only slept on my side of the bed.  I would wake up in the morning and her side of the bed was untouched.  Now, I wake up with all of the covers wrapped around me laying diagonally across the bed.  My subconscious caught up to reality.

I think part of the success in feeling fairly peaceful in the face of a million changes is the fact that I have taken up meditation and trying on faith in "something."  I have been going to church with my father which has been very valuable.  I am not really a God person.  I have come to realize that I have had a grudge against God since I was a child.  I know that sounds weird, but it's true. 

In the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (it may be too much info), but here is my issue with God... When I was four I was molested by my teenage cousin.  As you can imagine, it really ripped my extended family apart.  I feel incredibly grateful that my parents got me the counseling that I needed then (and several other times throughout my childhood) but it didn't change the fact that my family was in pieces.  Anyway, my aunt (the mother of the molester) is a SUPER bible thumper and she used to say stuff about "God forgiving us for lying if we apologized to them" and made a point to say "God bless" to me anytime she happened to see me.  Obviously, now I realize that God was not the problem, her pathology is the issue, but as a child I was unable to see that God wasn't part of the problem. 

Fast forward to present day... I am trying to figure out where God may fit into my life.  Do I believe that there is a God, like a single entity?  I lean more toward the idea of "the universe," like we are all a part of the higher being.  No matter how I see it, I am finding that going to church with my father is very beneficial.  They are a pretty liberal church and the pastor is kind of kooky so it is enjoyable.  On top of church on Sundays, I have applied to join a group of people going to Mexico for a week to help build houses.  I am hoping that I am able to go as I think it would be an eye opening and mutually beneficial trip.

Anyway, I don't know if meditation, God, the universe, or just a readiness to move on is what is making this transition easier... but I am very grateful.  I am looking forward to starting school in the spring and moving into a new apartment.  For now, I am going to try to nurse the cold I have and try to get back into my daily yoga routine (after a sprained ankle two weeks ago that is still swollen).  I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season! 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Lots of choices

I haven't written in a while.  I guess I have been putting it off until I knew what direction I was headed... funny, I am no closer to knowing what I should do.  I keep putting it out to the universe or God or whatever is out there.  I believe that everything will fall into place soon enough.  Some days it just feels difficult to wait for things to smooth out.  Although, being in the "in between" is kind of exciting.  There are a million directions I could go in...

I got accepted to University of Southern Maine (as of yesterday).  I was pretty sure that I would get in as it isn't really competitive, but it always feels good to have the acceptance letter in hand.  I am waiting on the financial aid package that they will put together for me.  I am hoping that they can give me enough financial aid so that it will pay entirely for tuition.  If that works, then I think I have enough in student loans to get me through this year without working.  I can close the day care and take on a small part-time job for spending money.  It would be so amazing to be able to finish school without working 40 hours a week.

I know that it sounds weird, but I am used to Kristen being gone.  I love her and she is going to remain one of my best friends.  I have gone through a million emotions over the last month, but I have come to a place of peace and acceptance.  I look forward to meeting new people and enjoying my life with Kristen as a wonderful friend.

I started volunteering at the soup kitchen/food bank last week.  I am going to go once a week to help out.  I am really enjoying meeting other volunteers and feeling like I am doing something to help the community.

Anyway, that is pretty much it for now.  I will try to write more soon.  Hope everyone is well!