Saturday, February 25, 2012


I have to admit that all this negativity gets to me sometimes. I've started going out after work some nights just to force myself out of my own head, to take a minute, sit with a friend, have some beer and not think about money, negative pregnancy tests or my brokenhearted wife-to-be. To me, it sounds bad to want to escape, but I need to now and then because all I want to do is make this right, to make it happen for us, and I am helpless in that way.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling supremely guilty because I drank too much while "getting out of my head." On top of that Ashley still felt terrible, her mother needed her to wake up early and cover for her at the day care (like now, now, now, now!), and I was in a rush to go off to acupuncture. I was in such a rush that when I found Ashley crying I had to hug her, kiss her forehead, apologize for having to leave, and leave. I felt like a giant, helpless jerk. Everything felt wrong and deeply uncomfortable.

When I got to acupuncture (Ashley talked me into going because I've been having headaches for far too long now), I thought I was probably going to cry if I was asked how I was. But he didn't ask and I didn't offer. Instead he asked about my headaches and stuck needles in my face. I lay there thinking, feeling my chest grow heavy and my eyes falling shut. When I woke I felt relieved and rested. Who knows if he just treated my headache--or if my headaches are a result of all this stress--but I didn't feel so helpless or lost or jerky.

That doesn't mean I'm any closer to knowing what our "right answer" might be, but it does mean that I'm not about to spend a day in bed, sad. The closest right answer I have for now is that we need a break--Ashley, specifically, needs a break the most.

Today, I am taking little pieces of good news and feeling good about it. Namely: this morning Ashley and I found an apartment that looks amazing. The downside is that the ad said cats would be accepted, but said nothing about dogs. I called the guy anyway and left a message at around 10am. From then until about 8pm, I stressed about the fact that we hadn't gotten a call back. But then he called and I asked him about his pet policy. He danced around a little, saying he was comfortable with small animals before finally saying he'd take a pet deposit and call it good. Whether this apartment is our apartment or not, I take that as a win. And we've needed a win.

- Kristen

Where we're at

For now, I think we have decided to take this month off. We are going to try to get an initial consult with an RE to see what our options are and what they suggest. Although I really like the OB I have, I just don't feel that they are doing everything possible to get the job done. I hear everyone talk about their experiences with this process and I just don't feel that we are having the same treatment. I understand though because their focus is not on baby making. I just think we need to go to a place that better understands the process. Whether we are going to do IUI or IVF will depend on what the RE thinks. There is a piece of me that really wants to do IVF because it has a better success rate, but I also don't know that I want to admit defeat with IUI yet. Who knows???

Things are looking a little brighter this morning... hopefully it will continue. We are focusing on apartment hunting and I filled out an application to transfer to a new college for the fall. I just need to finish my essay. I am going to try to shift my focus to other areas of our life. Hopefully we will get pregnant by the end of 2012, but for now we are going to let it go.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. It is sunny, cold and windy here and I think I will stay in my PJs, drink caffeinated coffee, and watch Law and Order reruns. I have some homework to do and some studying for a genetic mutations quiz on Tuesday... maybe I will do it all tomorrow. Happy Saturday! :)

Friday, February 24, 2012


Today I am not feeling any better. I hoped I would, but no such luck. Woke up sad, cried with Kristen, and discussed our options a little. I think that the IVF is our best option, but with the possible upcoming move and everything else, I think it will take us at least 6 months to save $3500. We have no money in savings (except for some of Kristen's student loan money) and very few options for making extra money. I guess I could take on a job as a waitress for the summer. I am just hesitant to take on a third job with school and everything else.

I asked my mom this morning if she or my father have $3000 that they would loan us. Her response was "it's not a sure thing." She doesn't want to give us that money on the chance that it won't work. Sweet! I know that my mom sounds like a real ass, and sometimes I think she is, but really she is pretty awesome. Anyway, it just hurt to have her say she is not willing to spend her money that way.

Hopefully I can feel better about this soon. I know that it takes a lot of people much longer to get pregnant, but I really thought that my age, the fact that everything is perfect (cycles are regular, blood work is great) would work in my favor. I guess I was wrong.

Hope everyone has a good Friday!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

And the spiral begins again

Where it will lead us next, I have no idea.

I literally have no idea.

Will we try again with our OB? Will we finish out our last vial and move on? Will we take our last vial with us and hope someone else can do the job better, at a higher price?

Ashley seems broken by all of this, beaten down. And I don't mean she's weak--she's definitely not--I mean that this not being able to fix this seeming "problem" is a blow that just keeps coming, making it tough to stand up and keep going. Unfortunately, I don't know what to say anymore and I don't know what the answer is. At least not today.

I am over the money. I don't really care how much we spend, as long as we're not living in a box and we can come up with it... I don't mind. If Ashley wants to move on to do IVF--while I do not really believe that we need to go there yet--I am beside her and ready to go. We'll just have to save up.

Me personally? I don't know what's going on. I keep getting teared up a lot more than usual. I'm beginning to think that I'm absorbing all the stress from Ashley and myself and it's billowing out my eyes. I think I feel fine, but I'm sure all of this is taking its toll. I'm just ready for some good news. I spoke to a friend who says, "Maybe this is a sign that you guys just need to take a break?" How does that work? How is not getting a positive mean that you should take a break? Maybe we do need to take some time to ourselves but I don't know what good that would really do. What we really need is a positive sign. And I'd like that sign in the form of a positive pregnancy test!

To deal with all this and all our other junk, I'm going to try to get Ashley and I into see some counselor to talk some of this out of us so that maybe we can get back onto solid ground. I guess all we can do from this point on is... see what happens.


Trying to regroup

I started spotting yesterday which means that my period is going to start any minute. So, I am trying to regroup and figure out where to go from here. Easier said than done. I decided to call Boston IVF to see what they charge to do IUIs. I figure that maybe it is time to try a new approach; a fresh set of eyes. The nurse called me back this morning to give me all of the info. An unmonitored IUI is $450 per month (that is if you are not using any Clomid, Letrozole, etc.). They do not do a follicle check or anything, you just call when you get the positive OPK and then go in and do the IUI. Not thinking that will raise my chances any. The next option is IUI with monitoring (if I am taking Clomid or Letrozole). That will run us $1050 per month. The next option is IUI with monitoring when you are taking injectables... that's a cool $2,200 per month (and that is without the cost of the injectables). So, the other option is the mini IVF which is $3500 per cycle. That uses Clomid or Letrozole and they typically transfer one or two embryos. That has a 33% success rate. None of these options sound all that great to me.

I feel like "buying a baby" is getting to be a little too much at this point. We are down close to $10,000 already and we haven't even begun with the big guns. How do these doctors expect that anyone could pay $2,000 or more per month on a CHANCE that they might get pregnant. But, what is the option? I either go into massive debt trying to get pregnant or I continue baby-less. What is better? I really feel like we are fighting a losing battle. I was reading another blog the other day and they were talking about how we are paying BIG money for POSSIBLE outcomes. Like, would you go to the store and pay $1000 for a mattress and hope that it is actually delivered? NO, you would be on the phone within hours if the mattress wasn't delivered on time. I always wondered why they make you pay for IUIs up front but then bill you for the other appointments. This is why... I am sure angry women have refused to pay when they haven't gotten pregnant after investing $10,000 or more. This is a major gamble... not like the penny slots, like sitting down at a high stakes poker table having never played. You'll lose money every time. Anyway, today I am frustrated and unsure about what to do now. We have one vial of sperm waiting for us at the doctor's office, but I am afraid to use it. I am scared that we will just be throwing away another $1000.

Yesterday after I started spotting I got a little self-destructive. I really wanted to drink or do something... so I ate. I am pretty sure that I packed in more calories yesterday afternoon than I normally consume in a week. I binge ate right up until I feel asleep. I probably had french fry breath when Kristen got home last night. I know it isn't healthy, but unfortunately it needed to happen yesterday. I don't feel any better because of it, but surprisingly, I don't feel any worse. I would normally feel guilty, but I don't. I needed to lose control a little and that is exactly what I did. Really, I need a day to fall apart... crying, screaming, drinking, eating, and avoiding contact with all humans. Like that will ever happen.

Today is a pity party day. I am sitting at my desk crying. I need to pull myself together because I actually have to interact with the public today (my co-worker is on vacation). I am sorry that you all have to read this. I feel like a blubbering fool, but I guess that is part of the game. I hope everyone else in blogland is having a bit more luck than we are. :/

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Strange round of events.

Like Ashley said, we got another negative. She asked me to buy more pregnancy tests to try to test again, but I think were both pretty resigned to the fact that our day 12 test was probably right.

The morning that she tested, I was half awake, half dreaming when I felt her rolling around in bed. I asked her if she tested and she whispered it was positive. Of course, this was ultimately a dream, but how weird to roll over shortly thereafter, asking if she tested and expecting to hear the same thing she said earlier hearing instead that she got a negative test. It was confusing and a bummer, but for whatever reason I have not had the same deep negative feelings as I usually do after a negative test.

I feel like it's around the corner. Maybe it's not our month this month, but it's coming. It's gotta be.

Ashley's basically covered everything that's been going on around here lately with the church and apartment talk. We found an awesome apartment that really was too good to be true... but it was true! And then it was rented out from under us. So we're back on the hunt. The same lady who rented the too-good-to-be-true apartment is trying to hook us up with another unit which is much less too-good. It's more expensive, smaller, and doesn't have off street parking--which is no good. The landlord is willing to work with us, but I'm not sure it's worth haggling.

As for the church stuff... I'm pretty anti-church. The things I enjoy about church can be found in other supportive organizations that don't involve God. That being said, I understand that not everyone feels the way that I do. Ashley's dad took us to his church and it was alright. They hardly mentioned God and rather focused on teaching a lesson that happened to come from the Bible. Ok, that I can handle. But I can't handle bands that play Christian rock and church goers who raise their hands and sway while listening. Everyone we met was super nice but I'm afraid I'm not swayed (no pun intended). Regardless, here and there, I'll accompany Ashley when she wants to go. And when our baby comes around, I'm not opposed to... considering... well, we'll see.

For now we're contemplating our next move on the road to baby-making and I have a hard time committing to the idea of any kind of IVF just yet. 3 IUIs with a doctor doesn't seem to me to warrant jumping to IVF. But, like I said, I've got this strange feeling it's just around the corner for us. I hope this isn't just insanity setting in. :)


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Day 12 post IUI

And the answer is... NO! We are not pregnant again. I am sad, but I guess I expected it. I am pretty sure that I won't believe it when a test actually says yes. I have gotten very used to seeing that empty window next to the window with the control line; I am not sure what I will do when two lines actually appear.

I started talking to Kristen today about doing IVF. There is a clinic here that does "mini" IVF which uses Clomid instead of injectables. Obviously there are fewer follicles retrieved, but the cost is $3500 per cycle compared to the national average of about $12,000 per cycle. Kristen doesn't want to go that route yet and I am not so sure that I want to either, but it is hard not to want to find some sort of quick fix. I know, I know, IVF is still not a sure thing. Anyway, I am starting to think that I may want to start doing back-to-back IUIs at home. I feel like our chances would be considerably better if we do 2-3 IUIs like 12 hours apart rather than one IUI in the doctor's office. The reason that I would do it at home is because with the added cost of two additional vials of sperm each month, I am not sure we can pay almost $1000 in doctor's visits on top of that. Cheaper than IVF, yes, but do I want to spend close to $3,000 per month when IVF may be inevitable??? I don't know... today is just one of those days.

Every time I get a negative pregnancy test, I spend a few days trying to work out some new strategy (like I haven't thought all of these things before). I just always feel like there is some angle that I am missing. Like, my brilliance (gross exaggeration) is going to solve this problem. It is very hard to accept that no matter how much money, energy, pain, sadness, brain-power, and shear determination you put into this process it is basically all luck. IF you hit the timing right, then you have to hope that the egg is not a dud. IF the egg is in good shape, you have to hope the sperm is a winner. IF the sperm is the chosen one, then you have to hope that cell division goes as planned. If cell division isn't a flop, then you have to hope your uterine lining is thick enough. If the lining is cushy, then you have to hope that it implants and that all further cell division and lining building goes off without a hitch. It really sounds more like hitting the lottery than anything else.

Kristen had the day off yesterday which was AWESOME! We never get to spend two days in a row together so this has been a really nice weekend. We both went to acupuncture yesterday (Kristen's first time), went grocery shopping, tried to buy me new sneakers (didn't have any in my size), watched some shows we had missed out on, and went to a surprise birthday party. Oh, and we went out for pizza at this really yummy place that we had never tried before called Otto. It has mashed potato pizza that everyone has been telling us about. It sounds pretty gross, but in reality, DELICIOUS! Really, I could eat it every day (but I also have a mild potato addiction).

Anyway, today we got up and went to church with my father. He started going to church like 9 months ago and he keeps trying to convince us to go. We are not anti-church, it is just that Kristen and I are not big into religion. I like spirituality, but organized religion typically leaves something to be desired. I love the idea of helping to teach morality (like be kind to one another), but where you lose me is condemning people for personal choices. If we are supposed to be kind and love one another, why are gayness, using birth control, having abortions, having premarital sex, etc. exceptions to this rule??? Just don't quite understand. Anyway, done with that soapbox. Despite my reservations, I really enjoyed church today. I liked the message and it wasn't a "beat you about the head" with bible verses type sermon, so it kept my attention. I think I will likely go back. Kristen and I have talked about how I would like to raise our child with some sort of spirituality because I feel that the "do unto others" type stuff is very beneficial. Plus, I think that a sense of community for our child will be good. I don't know if this church is going to be the right fit to raise our child in (they are KIND OF ok with gay people), but it was a good experience.

The rest of the day was pretty laid back. I did some homework, discussed politics with my father (a battle not worth fighting), and went to Home Depot. Now we are getting ready to go see a movie. I think we are going to see "This Means War" with Reese Witherspoon. Hopefully, it is good.

I hope all is well with everyone in blogland! Happy Sunday!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Day 10 Post IUI

Guess who didn't take a pregnancy test today... that's right, me! I am doing much better this month with putting off the testing. My plan is to test on Sunday (day 12), but there is a part of me that wants to wait until day 13 or 14. We'll see. I am just happy that I have been considerably less stressed this month. I have had moments of thinking "was our timing right?" or "what if there weren't any good follicles?" but I have kept the itty bitty shitty committee in my head at bay this month. I am giving myself major props for that! ;)

Kristen and I went to look at three apartments this morning. One of them was nice but the kitchen is HORRIBLE. It is really broken up, has a small stove, and there is no storage. I like to cook so the kitchen is a big deal for me. Plus, the cost of the apartment is $995 plus $45 for a parking spot and another $25 for Banjo. I just think that $1065 is pretty excessive for a one bedroom with an office (baby room). So, Kristen is going to look at another apartment this afternoon. I don't know if I will be able to go. I am supposed to work, but I am trying to take an hour and a half off to go with her. This place is in our ideal location and apparently has 1100 square feet with a backyard, private entrance, two bedrooms, two parking spots, lots of storage and is only $950. That sounds like a much better idea for us. I will let you know how it goes.

Kristen has tomorrow night off so we are going to spend some time together. YAY! We have a surprise birthday party to go to for a friend of ours and then maybe we will do something else fun together. So excited for some time with my lovely lady. :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

7 days post IUI

This month has seemed a little different. I am not really expecting much. I have pretty much forgotten that we did the IUI a week ago. I don't know if that is a good sign or not. I have been taking my BBT each morning and it has been very consistent about a half a degree higher than my pre-ovulation temp. That means that my progesterone is pretty good this month. Typically it isn't as steady as it has been in the past 7 days.

Kristen and I went to lunch at a cute little French restaurant on Sunday. We split French onion soup, each got a savory crepe, and then brought home a dessert crepe to share. We ate it while catching up on some Grey's Anatomy in bed. It was a really great day. I love Sundays... it is the only day that I see Kristen for more than an hour or two. Tonight we are planning to go to dinner for Valentine's Day, but we have to make 8pm dinner reservations because I don't get home from school until then. I am looking forward to another wonderful Valentine's Day!

I have been having some really crazy dreams for the past week. The first one was the one that Kristen cheated on me in. Every night since then I have had more vivid dreams. I don't particularly care for it; kind of disruptive to my sleep. Plus they seem to always be somewhat upsetting.

Anyway, I hope everyone has had a good start to their week. Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Day 2 Post IUI

I am feeling pretty good about our IUI this month. I don't know if we will end up with a positive result, but considering how weird my cycle was this month, we just need to keep our fingers crossed. I am feeling much more positive today than I have in a while. I am not sure if it is a fluke or my mood is improving. I will take whatever I can get.

I really liked the doctor that did the IUI this month. He was really nice and tried to make some small talk and crack jokes when possible. That made me feel more comfortable... especially having doctor #3 looking at my vagina. We also changed donors this month. I really liked this guy originally, but he ran out after we used him once for ICI and I used two other guys. Now I am back to my first pick. Hopefully it will work out for the best.

This morning I had a horrible dream that Kristen cheated on me. In it, she was so mean to me and she didn't care about my feelings at all. She was so concerned with getting laid and having a good time, our relationship didn't matter. I am so happy that it was a dream. I woke up and cuddled her so tight. That dream really made me realize how much I love her. I am so blessed, lucky, whatever... she is so very important to me. So, it was just a dream. Today I realize that I am a very lucky person to have Kristen in my life, have two jobs when many others are struggling to find one, get to go to school and learn new things, and I have a pretty awesome dog. (Side note: I had 1 1/2 pounds of ground venison thawing on the back of the stove yesterday. Guess who ate the WHOLE package raw??? That's right, Banjo! Eww!)

I hope that everyone is having a great Thursday! Lot's of well-wishes going to each of you in blogland.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Rest assured...

I made it to the IUI. :)

This month has been really hectic and crazy and upsetting and so much more. As Ashley has mentioned. I think pretty much everything is up in the air right now. Everything except a few things:
1) Banjo loves to cuddle us
2) We love each other
3) and we're keeping on keeping on

Other than that, it's anyone's call! We may be moving, we'll hopefully be pregnant soon, we like each other most days...

All this stress has definitely inched it's way between us as a couple. It's taken me a while to let it really sink in how stressful this has all been for Ashley (trying to get pregnant AND living with her mom). Being the person who tries to keep everything on an even keel, I've maybe missed that Ashley doesn't stop stressing when I give her pep talks. It recently hit me as I was at a friends house and I burst into tears. It felt ridiculous. Ridiculous because I hadn't really known how much it affected the both of us.

At any rate... we did our 3rd IUI today and it went as smooth as you can hope. Well, I take that back. The doctor who was doing the IUI was late. He kept us waiting in the waiting room for about 15 minutes and another 20 minutes once we'd gone back. That may not seem like a long time to most, but Ashley and I are always curious as to how long our swimmers actually live once they're defrosted. So we panicked a little. Then the doc came in, said a few cheesy things with a perky attitude, and bam, it was done. Before he left he said to Ashley, "Now, don't get a period!" Here's hoping she won't.

And that's all for me for now. I've been putting off work all night and it's finally time to stop procrastinating and just go to bed!


More postives and more questions

I got some more positive OPK tests last night and then another faint one this morning. So, I am going with yesterday afternoon/evening as the REAL positive. I called the doctor's office and they want me to come in this afternoon for my IUI. However, my sperm has not arrived at their office yet. I called Fed Ex to see what time it will arrive and they said "between now and 4:30." That is not really narrowing it down for me, but ok.

So right now I am waiting to hear back from the doctor's office that my sperm has arrived at which point we will set up a time for an IUI. If is it too late today then we will have to do it first thing tomorrow morning. Either way, I am pretty sure that Kristen is going to miss it. She has classes Tuesday afternoons and Wednesday mornings and she can't miss them. I am kind of bummed out about that. Anyway, I will update you all on what happens. What a strange month!!!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Faint OPK positive

Yesterday morning and then again last night I got a faint OPK positive. Midday I got a negative. I really thought that it was some kind of fluke (especially considering the package says not to consider faint lines a positive). So, today I did the OPK and it was negative this morning and I just got a positive around 1:30. This is all happening pretty early so I am not sure what to make of the whacky positive LH surge. To top it all off, our sperm hasn't arrived yet. It is currently in Indianapolis and due to arrive by 4:30 tomorrow. I think the driver stopped to watch the Super Bowl. ;)

I just called the doctor's office to see what I should do. With the odd spotting, early and inconsistent OPK, and no follicle check this month I am more than a little worried about the timing. My doctor is currently on vacation so the nurse is going to talk to one of the other doctors to see what I should do. What an odd month!!! I really hope that we aren't too late and that we can do an IUI tomorrow, but I also don't want to waste a month with bad timing. Who knows?!?!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Just make a move

Last night my mother and I went to see the movie "One for the Money" with Katherine Heigl. On the way to the movie we started talking about how the baby making process has been stressful. She started telling me how I shouldn't be disappointed or surprised each time we don't get pregnant. She was saying that if we want to get pregnant that we may have to take out loans and do whatever it takes. She went on to say that even if I had to have sex with a man, I just need to do what I need to do. She also told me that one of her friends said that Kristen and I should have a threesome with a guy because then we can both be involved in the process.

No joke. This is the feedback that I get from my mother. I know that she tries to understand where we are coming from, but I can never expect that she will totally get it. I asked her if she and my father hadn't gotten pregnant right away, would she have been able to sleep with another guy??? I mean, most relationships would not withstand one person having sex with a third party whether it is for baby making or not. She tried to tell me that it is different for us because we are not a traditional couple.

That brings us to my phone call to Kristen at work. I called her to tell her about the conversation with my mother and that I was ready to move. We moved down to live in an apartment attached to my mother's house just five months ago. Unfortunately, my mother and I get along much better when we don't live on the same property. I love her and I can tolerate her much better from afar. I have so much fun with her when we don't live together. So, Kristen and I are in the process of trying to figure out finances and looking for an apartment in the city. I think that we will probably move April 1, but we will see how things work out.

Today I went to get my hair chopped off and the lady LITERALLY chopped it off. She gave me a pretty shitty hair cut and was really rude when I told her that it wasn't at all what I wanted. She kept saying "if you had told me what you wanted in the first place..." I did, but apparently I wasn't clear enough. To fix my hair she started hacking at it and now it is kind of uneven in the back. I am debating on whether I want to just go to my mother's hairdresser to get it fixed or if I should go back to the place where that horrible lady works. Kristen thinks that I should go talk to the manager, but I just hate being rude. I felt so bad about making the lady fix my hair (even though she gave me a bowl cut when I asked for it to be stacked in the back and come down angled in the front) so I gave her a $10 tip. Kristen got really mad at me for giving her so much when she didn't do a good job and she was rude, but I just felt so guilty about messing up that lady's day. Sounds pathetic, but I guess I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Other than the bad haircut, this has been a really great Sunday!!! Kristen and I took Banjo for a walk in the woods, went out to lunch, went grocery shopping together at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. Now we are going to eat pizza and wings and watch the Super Bowl. I am not really a football fan, but I think that the commercials are pretty sweet. It should be a great night in with my love! I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend! Oh and Go Pats!!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012


I just called the cryobank to order 2 more vials of sperm... another $1400. I really hope we get pregnant with these two vials because I am not sure how much longer we can hemorrhage money.

Anyway, I asked the guy at the cryobank if they keep records on whether reported pregnancies are done through IUI, ICI, or IVF. Personally, I think it is pertinent information because with IVF there is a better chance at fertilization because you are injecting a sperm cell into a follicle. No really heavy lifting on the sperm's part. I explained to him that if I am using a donor that has had 15 IVF pregnancies and none with IUI or ICI then I would want that information because I feel like the swimmers may not have what it takes to get the job done when there is a long-distance swim prior to fertilization. He said that the sperm wouldn't matter. He told me that IVF is performed as determined by the doctor based on the mother's age and fertility issues. But what if the swimmers can't get the job done and it isn't the mother with fertility issues? I mean, how many women do IUI 3 or 4 times, think that their body is failing them and then go to IVF??? Maybe it is just that the sperm doesn't thaw well or motility isn't particularly great.

Ok... so my point is that I just think that it would be good info to have. I would like to know if donor X has pregnancies using my method of conception. Does that make me crazy? The guy at the cryobank said that they do not release that information but they do have that information in each client's confidential profile.

So after my conversation with this guy, I was on the verge of tears (per usual) and placed my order. When I got to the part where he asked if we were sending it to CWHC clinic, I said yes. Then he said "is that a fertility clinic or an OBGYN?" I said OB and he replied with "oh, that's why." Then he asked me if the OB had ever performed an IUI before or if it was their first time. I explained that she has done it many times before. Then he told me that fertility clinics are a better choice. I quickly pushed through to the end of the conversation so that I could get off the phone and burst into tears. Maybe he is right, maybe we need to find a new doctor. Maybe we are going about this the wrong way.

Now that I am bleeding at a very odd time during my cycle and the guy at the cryobank has made me cry, I feel like maybe I need to put this all on hold. I hate that I have been so emotional for the last nine months. If there was some sort of pay off, I think it would be ok. However, taking meds that make me feel gross, starting unusual periods, and feeling a little crazy for a whole lot of disappointment is getting to me. I know that this can't be an instant gratification type process, but something has to eventually give.

On another note... last night my mom told me that my brother is really depressed. I knew that he was having some issues with depression, but I guess it is getting worse. Apparently it is partially due to work issues (he is a recruiter for the Marines) but mostly because of the family shit that has happened in the last year. Both my brother and I were very close with my father and this year has kind of made things a little difficult. Anyway, my mom was saying how she should go out to visit because she feels so bad that my brother is having such a hard time with their separation and the issues with my father. Ok, this coming from the woman that always tells me to deal with it when I tell her that I am upset by what has happened in the last year. Anytime I have an emotion about it, express an opinion about it, or anything else I am basically told to suck it up. But of course my brother gets the f-ing royal treatment. Why? Because he is not as "strong" as me is the answer that I always get. That is a load of crap! The only reason he MAY not be as strong as me is because my parents have always protected him. They make a point of making everything seem great when they talk to him. I get the truth and all the bull that goes along with it. I am reaching the point where I feel really sick of being the strong one. I don't feel like I should have to hear both of my parents issues with the other one when my brother never even knows anything is wrong. When my parents were separating, they waited over a week before telling my brother. Within hours of the decision to separate I knew the whole story, gory details and all, of the separation. To this day, my brother still doesn't have all of the details.

Oooookkkk... that was a seriously long family rant that no one needed to hear. Sorry about that, but sometimes things just have to come out. Today, I just need to try to hold it together. I wonder if I was always so negative and crazy or if this is just a side effect of TTC. I am having a really hard time being positive or optimistic about anything lately.

Also, everyone and their brother is pregnant lately. I go on facebook and there is a new baby or a pregnancy announcement almost daily. I try to be happy for them, but the reality is, I am jealous! I hate feeling that way. I know it is not good to feel jealous of other people, but how do you not? I was talking to my acupuncture guy about it the other day and he said that I have to let myself have those feelings. He said that it is only normal to feel jealous of people that are getting pregnant. I guess I probably need to stop beating myself up over feeling that way, but it sure is hard not to feel guilty about it. Great jealousy and guilt together... awesome!

Anyway, I am done with my GIANT pity party today. I hope I have not ruined everyone's day by spewing my negativity all over the place. I do hope that you are having a good Thursday and that baby making is going well.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I made it through five days on Letrozole without any problems (other than being extremely irritable on Friday). No headaches, nausea, or hot flashes... much better than Clomid. Well, that is until this morning. I have started spotting. It is more than typical spotting for me, but not quite period bleeding volume (TMI, I know). I called the doctor and the nurse said that she hadn't heard of that happening and so she asked the other nurses who all said the same thing. So, she said that she would talk to the doctor and get back to me. When she called back she said that the doctor hadn't heard of that as a side effect, but we will just continue on course. They just want me to call when I get a positive OPK. I asked if the spotting would be an indication that my estrogen isn't increasing the way it should (makes logical sense) and the nurse told me not to worry, just continue with the plan. Seriously?

Am I being too much of a hypochondriac or does it seem silly that they wouldn't want me to get my estrogen levels checked or do a follicle check this month? If it is something that the nurses and my doctor have never heard of happening, wouldn't it warrant further investigation. I don't particularly want to spend the extra money to have testing done, but I really don't want to waste a vial of sperm and an IUI if this cycle is blown. I am not entirely sure what to do or how to feel about this. Kristen was pretty upset and freaked out. I think she feels like we should have more information before we just proceed as planned.

Folks in blogland... any thoughts on the subject???