Thursday, September 6, 2012

Trying to move past it

Sorry to everyone that read my post yesterday.  Total pity party.  After I wrote that Kristen and I ended up getting in a huge fight and I left for a while and drove around.  While I was gone I smoked almost a half pack of cigarettes and somehow, some of the hatred left me.  Today, I am feeling a little better.  I guess I just needed a day of absolute despair. 

The only thing that is really still bothering me is that I am not sure how I can be nice to my employee at this point.  I had suggested to her that the scheduled date of her surgery was not a great idea and that maybe she should wait until Thanksgiving or Christmas break.  I know that no one wants to have surgery on your school break (especially a 20 year old) but sometimes that is what happens in the land of adults.  Anyway, she decided to go ahead with her surgery and we all see how that turned out.  I am pissed at her for costing me $3,000 for the classes that I already attended.  I am pissed at her for ruining a WHOLE semester of school for me.  I am pissed that she pushed my graduation date back by a semester.  AND I am super pissed that she was able to make it to her classes yesterday while I was working on trying to fill out paperwork to drop all of mine.  F*** her. 

My mother told me that I should be completely honest with her about my feelings, but I also feel like some of this was out of her control.  I mean, she didn't know that it would take her more than a week to recover from a tonsil surgery.  Her surgery was nine days ago and she is still taking oxycodone, zofran (for the nausea), and only eating liquids.  (Just for a reference point, when I had my tonsils out I went to a Deftones concert three days later.)  I also feel like I need to cut her a little slack because she has two kids (a 2 1/2 year old with Autism and an 11 month old).  She has no help with them at all so she has not been able to get enough rest while she is trying to recover.  Now, I feel really bad for her, but the same respect, I feel like she should have planned ahead a little better.  She could have scheduled surgery for December and spent the time in between saving some money to pay people to watch her kids (or send them to day care).  I don't know... I guess what's done is done and no matter how pissed I am at her, it's not going to change the outcome.

Anyway, that is my grouchy rant for today.  Improvement from yesterday but still not 100%.  Hope everyone is having a good Thursday!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Losing faith

Before you read any further, I want to give you a heads up that this is in no way a "feel good" post, nor is it going to talk about TTC.  It is going to be a major downer and if you do not want your day ruined, you may want to hit your back button.  That being said...

I am really having a hard time believing that there is anything that I can/will do in life that doesn't turn to shit.  I work so damn hard at EVERYTHING and it seems that no matter what something (usually out of my control) fucks it up.

I started classes last week.  It was so exciting to go to a new school (a competitive one at that).  I was pretty nervous because two out of four of my classes are pretty difficult classes for me.  So, I decided to get a jump start and spend 20 hours over the last five days (no exaggeration) reading ahead, brushing up on old math skills, and otherwise preparing myself for this new school adventure.  Fast forward to Monday afternoon, I get a text from my day care employee saying that she will not be able to work on Tuesday (yesterday) because she still isn't feeling well enough (she had her tonsils out last Wednesday).  I proceeded to call and text everyone I know that has the capability of filling in for me at the day care for a few hours.... guess what???  No one could do it.  So I e-mailed my lab professor and asked if I could make up my lab later in the week, he said yes.  Then I begged Nicole (my employee) to come in for two hours in the afternoon so that I could at least make it to one of my classes.  She said yes and came in as planned.  However, she looked like death, couldn't talk, hasn't eaten in days, and is stoned out of her mind on pain meds.  At that point, I made the decision that she can't work until she is feeling better.  Not only do I not want her around the kids/parents looking and feeling like that, but she shouldn't be driving if she can barely keep her eyes open.

Without Nicole (or anyone else to fill in) I had to make some tough choices.  With no other feasible option, I decided that I will take a leave of absence from school until the spring.  While this is the best option right now, it still sucks in the absolute worst way.  After withdrawing I owe the school a little over $3,000 for the classes that I did attend (less than a week) and it has to be out of pocket because I get no financial aid until spring.  Awesome.

I ended up spending all last night crying because I am so fed up with having to always put my stuff on hold.  I am also sick and tired of feeling like NOTHING ever works out for me.  I hit every fucking bump in the road.  Once I finally fell asleep last night, Banjo woke us up every hour and a half to go out because he had diarrhea.  Of course... I wouldn't expect any different in my life.  I am so completely and utterly over it.  This morning I woke up with the feeling that I just want to drive away.  Just get in my car and drive as far away from my life as I possibly can.  I know that it doesn't make sense, my horrible luck will follow me no matter where I go, but it was definitely the most pervasive feeling I had today. 

I love Kristen.  I want to allow her to support me right now, but I can't.  I am so angry at the world that I cannot let her in.  It hurts her that I feel that way, but I can't stop feeling like I want to scream at everyone and I am trying like hell not to be mean to her.  However, I do know that I will eventually blow on someone and I already feel bad for them.

Anyway, I know that this does not sound like a big issue and it's not.  It is just the "straw that breaks the camels back."  I work my ass off every day of my life, try to be kind to others, pay my bills on time, let pedestrians cross in front of me, give money to some of the homeless guys at stop lights and you  know what I get... SHITTY KARMA.  If anyone knows how that shit works, please let me know cause I obviously missed something.  My mother has always said "if something bad is going to happen, it will happen to Ashley."  It is so true.  I mean, I could make a list but no one wants me to go on forever about my life.  Most days, I don't even think about the shit.  Right now, all I see is the shit.  My mom is trying to convince me to go on anti-depressants (because I got really sad starting... last night).  Clinically, I am pretty sure that most doctors would say that wasn't how they are supposed to be used, but who knows, I'm no doctor!  

Ok, I am going to be done now.  I am hoping that no one is reading at this point because I feel like you should have jumped off this sinking ship a few paragraphs ago.  I know that things will improve eventually (or at least that's what I always tell myself).  I hope everyone is doing ok in blogland.  I hope that someday I can rejoin the TTC crew. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

On the one hand...

baby-making isn't even on my radar.

But, on the other hand, I am so ready to have babies. :(