Yesterday.

I have to admit that all this negativity gets to me sometimes. I've started going out after work some nights just to force myself out of my own head, to take a minute, sit with a friend, have some beer and not think about money, negative pregnancy tests or my brokenhearted wife-to-be. To me, it sounds bad to want to escape, but I need to now and then because all I want to do is make this right, to make it happen for us, and I am helpless in that way.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling supremely guilty because I drank too much while "getting out of my head." On top of that Ashley still felt terrible, her mother needed her to wake up early and cover for her at the day care (like now, now, now, now!), and I was in a rush to go off to acupuncture. I was in such a rush that when I found Ashley crying I had to hug her, kiss her forehead, apologize for having to leave, and leave. I felt like a giant, helpless jerk. Everything felt wrong and deeply uncomfortable.

When I got to acupuncture (Ashley talked me into going because I've been having headaches for far too long now), I thought I was probably going to cry if I was asked how I was. But he didn't ask and I didn't offer. Instead he asked about my headaches and stuck needles in my face. I lay there thinking, feeling my chest grow heavy and my eyes falling shut. When I woke I felt relieved and rested. Who knows if he just treated my headache--or if my headaches are a result of all this stress--but I didn't feel so helpless or lost or jerky.

That doesn't mean I'm any closer to knowing what our "right answer" might be, but it does mean that I'm not about to spend a day in bed, sad. The closest right answer I have for now is that we need a break--Ashley, specifically, needs a break the most.

Today, I am taking little pieces of good news and feeling good about it. Namely: this morning Ashley and I found an apartment that looks amazing. The downside is that the ad said cats would be accepted, but said nothing about dogs. I called the guy anyway and left a message at around 10am. From then until about 8pm, I stressed about the fact that we hadn't gotten a call back. But then he called and I asked him about his pet policy. He danced around a little, saying he was comfortable with small animals before finally saying he'd take a pet deposit and call it good. Whether this apartment is our apartment or not, I take that as a win. And we've needed a win.

- Kristen