I just called the cryobank to order 2 more vials of sperm... another $1400. I really hope we get pregnant with these two vials because I am not sure how much longer we can hemorrhage money.
Anyway, I asked the guy at the cryobank if they keep records on whether reported pregnancies are done through IUI, ICI, or IVF. Personally, I think it is pertinent information because with IVF there is a better chance at fertilization because you are injecting a sperm cell into a follicle. No really heavy lifting on the sperm's part. I explained to him that if I am using a donor that has had 15 IVF pregnancies and none with IUI or ICI then I would want that information because I feel like the swimmers may not have what it takes to get the job done when there is a long-distance swim prior to fertilization. He said that the sperm wouldn't matter. He told me that IVF is performed as determined by the doctor based on the mother's age and fertility issues. But what if the swimmers can't get the job done and it isn't the mother with fertility issues? I mean, how many women do IUI 3 or 4 times, think that their body is failing them and then go to IVF??? Maybe it is just that the sperm doesn't thaw well or motility isn't particularly great.
Ok... so my point is that I just think that it would be good info to have. I would like to know if donor X has pregnancies using my method of conception. Does that make me crazy? The guy at the cryobank said that they do not release that information but they do have that information in each client's confidential profile.
So after my conversation with this guy, I was on the verge of tears (per usual) and placed my order. When I got to the part where he asked if we were sending it to CWHC clinic, I said yes. Then he said "is that a fertility clinic or an OBGYN?" I said OB and he replied with "oh, that's why." Then he asked me if the OB had ever performed an IUI before or if it was their first time. I explained that she has done it many times before. Then he told me that fertility clinics are a better choice. I quickly pushed through to the end of the conversation so that I could get off the phone and burst into tears. Maybe he is right, maybe we need to find a new doctor. Maybe we are going about this the wrong way.
Now that I am bleeding at a very odd time during my cycle and the guy at the cryobank has made me cry, I feel like maybe I need to put this all on hold. I hate that I have been so emotional for the last nine months. If there was some sort of pay off, I think it would be ok. However, taking meds that make me feel gross, starting unusual periods, and feeling a little crazy for a whole lot of disappointment is getting to me. I know that this can't be an instant gratification type process, but something has to eventually give.
On another note... last night my mom told me that my brother is really depressed. I knew that he was having some issues with depression, but I guess it is getting worse. Apparently it is partially due to work issues (he is a recruiter for the Marines) but mostly because of the family shit that has happened in the last year. Both my brother and I were very close with my father and this year has kind of made things a little difficult. Anyway, my mom was saying how she should go out to visit because she feels so bad that my brother is having such a hard time with their separation and the issues with my father. Ok, this coming from the woman that always tells me to deal with it when I tell her that I am upset by what has happened in the last year. Anytime I have an emotion about it, express an opinion about it, or anything else I am basically told to suck it up. But of course my brother gets the f-ing royal treatment. Why? Because he is not as "strong" as me is the answer that I always get. That is a load of crap! The only reason he MAY not be as strong as me is because my parents have always protected him. They make a point of making everything seem great when they talk to him. I get the truth and all the bull that goes along with it. I am reaching the point where I feel really sick of being the strong one. I don't feel like I should have to hear both of my parents issues with the other one when my brother never even knows anything is wrong. When my parents were separating, they waited over a week before telling my brother. Within hours of the decision to separate I knew the whole story, gory details and all, of the separation. To this day, my brother still doesn't have all of the details.
Oooookkkk... that was a seriously long family rant that no one needed to hear. Sorry about that, but sometimes things just have to come out. Today, I just need to try to hold it together. I wonder if I was always so negative and crazy or if this is just a side effect of TTC. I am having a really hard time being positive or optimistic about anything lately.
Also, everyone and their brother is pregnant lately. I go on facebook and there is a new baby or a pregnancy announcement almost daily. I try to be happy for them, but the reality is, I am jealous! I hate feeling that way. I know it is not good to feel jealous of other people, but how do you not? I was talking to my acupuncture guy about it the other day and he said that I have to let myself have those feelings. He said that it is only normal to feel jealous of people that are getting pregnant. I guess I probably need to stop beating myself up over feeling that way, but it sure is hard not to feel guilty about it. Great jealousy and guilt together... awesome!
Anyway, I am done with my GIANT pity party today. I hope I have not ruined everyone's day by spewing my negativity all over the place. I do hope that you are having a good Thursday and that baby making is going well.
Ugh about your brother. That really sucks that he gets all the support and you get nothing. I don't know about the IVF stuff, but I would expect that someone with a lot of reported pregnancies would probably be a good choice for IUI just because most people aren't doing IVF, you know? We had an easy choice about the fertility clinic--we went as soon as my insurance would cover it, but it's a really personal decision and his dumb comment doesn't help. Meanwhile, be as jealous or sad or angry as you are. People who had no trouble getting pregnant don't understand it, but any of us who have had a longer road have been there, done that. It sucks. But it's normal and fair. As long as you aren't mean to them for being pregnant you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling that way. And remember that soon you'll be pregnant, too, so you won't have to feel that way much longer.
ReplyDeleteIsa- Thank you for your kind words and support. Sometimes it helps just to have someone understand where I am coming from. Hopefully I will get pregnant soon and this will all just be a bump in the road that will fade away into distant memory. In the meantime, thank you for reading my crazy posts and making me feel a little less crazy. :)
ReplyDeleteMy heart just aches for you two ladies. I think about you often and just want this to happen so badly for you two. Did you guys end up switching donors are you going with the same guy? When you go to the doctor, does she give you sperm count and motility rate? We saw an RE during this process because he came very highly recommended, but if our OB covered it through insurance, I bet we would have gone with him. It's such a personal choice though and a lot of times, the guys at CCB have no idea what he's even talking about.
ReplyDeleteAnd just to make you feel better, this process made us feel like we were going crazy too. That's why we had decided to take a break- even if it was just for a month- because it helped us to regroup. It is best, in these situations, to listen to your body because she will tell you what you need. If you think a break will help, maybe that's what you need. And as for feeling jealous, welcome to the club. :) We felt that same way... and it only gets harder when it seems like more and more people are getting pregnant when you are not. But try not to let it bog you down too much. Everyone's journey is just a little different and when you do finally get that BFP you won't even remember how hard and challenging and difficult this process was.
Lastly, I know I keep pushing the CCB Facebook secret page, but there are so many ladies on there who have been through this crazy process and who have been an incredible support system. I would suggest viewing that page more frequently... it makes you feel less crazy.;) Or at the very least... it helps you to feel like you aren't alone. :) Hang in there, ladies! We are pulling for you!