Trying to regroup

I started spotting yesterday which means that my period is going to start any minute. So, I am trying to regroup and figure out where to go from here. Easier said than done. I decided to call Boston IVF to see what they charge to do IUIs. I figure that maybe it is time to try a new approach; a fresh set of eyes. The nurse called me back this morning to give me all of the info. An unmonitored IUI is $450 per month (that is if you are not using any Clomid, Letrozole, etc.). They do not do a follicle check or anything, you just call when you get the positive OPK and then go in and do the IUI. Not thinking that will raise my chances any. The next option is IUI with monitoring (if I am taking Clomid or Letrozole). That will run us $1050 per month. The next option is IUI with monitoring when you are taking injectables... that's a cool $2,200 per month (and that is without the cost of the injectables). So, the other option is the mini IVF which is $3500 per cycle. That uses Clomid or Letrozole and they typically transfer one or two embryos. That has a 33% success rate. None of these options sound all that great to me.

I feel like "buying a baby" is getting to be a little too much at this point. We are down close to $10,000 already and we haven't even begun with the big guns. How do these doctors expect that anyone could pay $2,000 or more per month on a CHANCE that they might get pregnant. But, what is the option? I either go into massive debt trying to get pregnant or I continue baby-less. What is better? I really feel like we are fighting a losing battle. I was reading another blog the other day and they were talking about how we are paying BIG money for POSSIBLE outcomes. Like, would you go to the store and pay $1000 for a mattress and hope that it is actually delivered? NO, you would be on the phone within hours if the mattress wasn't delivered on time. I always wondered why they make you pay for IUIs up front but then bill you for the other appointments. This is why... I am sure angry women have refused to pay when they haven't gotten pregnant after investing $10,000 or more. This is a major gamble... not like the penny slots, like sitting down at a high stakes poker table having never played. You'll lose money every time. Anyway, today I am frustrated and unsure about what to do now. We have one vial of sperm waiting for us at the doctor's office, but I am afraid to use it. I am scared that we will just be throwing away another $1000.

Yesterday after I started spotting I got a little self-destructive. I really wanted to drink or do something... so I ate. I am pretty sure that I packed in more calories yesterday afternoon than I normally consume in a week. I binge ate right up until I feel asleep. I probably had french fry breath when Kristen got home last night. I know it isn't healthy, but unfortunately it needed to happen yesterday. I don't feel any better because of it, but surprisingly, I don't feel any worse. I would normally feel guilty, but I don't. I needed to lose control a little and that is exactly what I did. Really, I need a day to fall apart... crying, screaming, drinking, eating, and avoiding contact with all humans. Like that will ever happen.

Today is a pity party day. I am sitting at my desk crying. I need to pull myself together because I actually have to interact with the public today (my co-worker is on vacation). I am sorry that you all have to read this. I feel like a blubbering fool, but I guess that is part of the game. I hope everyone else in blogland is having a bit more luck than we are. :/