And the answer is... NO! We are not pregnant again. I am sad, but I guess I expected it. I am pretty sure that I won't believe it when a test actually says yes. I have gotten very used to seeing that empty window next to the window with the control line; I am not sure what I will do when two lines actually appear.
I started talking to Kristen today about doing IVF. There is a clinic here that does "mini" IVF which uses Clomid instead of injectables. Obviously there are fewer follicles retrieved, but the cost is $3500 per cycle compared to the national average of about $12,000 per cycle. Kristen doesn't want to go that route yet and I am not so sure that I want to either, but it is hard not to want to find some sort of quick fix. I know, I know, IVF is still not a sure thing. Anyway, I am starting to think that I may want to start doing back-to-back IUIs at home. I feel like our chances would be considerably better if we do 2-3 IUIs like 12 hours apart rather than one IUI in the doctor's office. The reason that I would do it at home is because with the added cost of two additional vials of sperm each month, I am not sure we can pay almost $1000 in doctor's visits on top of that. Cheaper than IVF, yes, but do I want to spend close to $3,000 per month when IVF may be inevitable??? I don't know... today is just one of those days.
Every time I get a negative pregnancy test, I spend a few days trying to work out some new strategy (like I haven't thought all of these things before). I just always feel like there is some angle that I am missing. Like, my brilliance (gross exaggeration) is going to solve this problem. It is very hard to accept that no matter how much money, energy, pain, sadness, brain-power, and shear determination you put into this process it is basically all luck. IF you hit the timing right, then you have to hope that the egg is not a dud. IF the egg is in good shape, you have to hope the sperm is a winner. IF the sperm is the chosen one, then you have to hope that cell division goes as planned. If cell division isn't a flop, then you have to hope your uterine lining is thick enough. If the lining is cushy, then you have to hope that it implants and that all further cell division and lining building goes off without a hitch. It really sounds more like hitting the lottery than anything else.
Kristen had the day off yesterday which was AWESOME! We never get to spend two days in a row together so this has been a really nice weekend. We both went to acupuncture yesterday (Kristen's first time), went grocery shopping, tried to buy me new sneakers (didn't have any in my size), watched some shows we had missed out on, and went to a surprise birthday party. Oh, and we went out for pizza at this really yummy place that we had never tried before called Otto. It has mashed potato pizza that everyone has been telling us about. It sounds pretty gross, but in reality, DELICIOUS! Really, I could eat it every day (but I also have a mild potato addiction).
Anyway, today we got up and went to church with my father. He started going to church like 9 months ago and he keeps trying to convince us to go. We are not anti-church, it is just that Kristen and I are not big into religion. I like spirituality, but organized religion typically leaves something to be desired. I love the idea of helping to teach morality (like be kind to one another), but where you lose me is condemning people for personal choices. If we are supposed to be kind and love one another, why are gayness, using birth control, having abortions, having premarital sex, etc. exceptions to this rule??? Just don't quite understand. Anyway, done with that soapbox. Despite my reservations, I really enjoyed church today. I liked the message and it wasn't a "beat you about the head" with bible verses type sermon, so it kept my attention. I think I will likely go back. Kristen and I have talked about how I would like to raise our child with some sort of spirituality because I feel that the "do unto others" type stuff is very beneficial. Plus, I think that a sense of community for our child will be good. I don't know if this church is going to be the right fit to raise our child in (they are KIND OF ok with gay people), but it was a good experience.
The rest of the day was pretty laid back. I did some homework, discussed politics with my father (a battle not worth fighting), and went to Home Depot. Now we are getting ready to go see a movie. I think we are going to see "This Means War" with Reese Witherspoon. Hopefully, it is good.
I hope all is well with everyone in blogland! Happy Sunday!
I am sorry tho hear you had another BFN. So did I. I totally understand your thinking. I am gearing up to tell my Dr to do the surgery I don't even know if I need. But at this point we won't know if we don't do it and our luck thus far is non existent. I know what it is like to lose hope but I also know that the few days after my BFN suck but then like a switch I am determined to make it work the next time. I am thinking about you guys!
ReplyDelete:( The IVF thing is a hard question--have you looked into what they have to offer near you? Some have programs where you get some money back if it doesn't work in 3 tries or something. And it's hard not to see IVF as the magic bullet, and to decide where to spend the money. Good luck deciding what the best approach is for you! I've never heard of the mini-IVF, though--maybe it would be a good middle approach, once you're ready. Also, the right church can be great! We have one we love, but it's way too far away, so we're heathens again...
ReplyDeleteSeeing the words "BFN" on this post makes me so sad. :( I am so sorry that you got a negative this month, I totally thought this would be your time. I know there are no words that will make you feel better, but I know you two will do what's right for you.
ReplyDeleteAs far as church is concerned, J and I were looking for a new church to attend (she grew up Mormon, I grew up Catholic) that would be accepting and loving no matter how we choose to live our lives. We've been attending a church that is open and affirming and have loved it. They are the kindest, sweetest people and have been so welcoming. I am sure you could find a church that is like that in your area. We wanted something, like you, to teach kindness and morality to our kids when they are finally born.
Hang in there. I know your time will come and all this heartache and pain will be a distant memory. ♥