Friday, May 24, 2013
Vial for sale
I have a vial of sperm that I want to get rid of. I bought it in October and it has been stored at my doctor's office. It is California Cryobank Donor #12403. I will sell it for a fraction of what I paid for it. If you know of anyone that may be interested, pass my info along to them. Thanks!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Just another Thursday....
I am doing nothing this afternoon. Not working is incredibly boring. I am not sure why everyone looks forward to retiring. I have several leads on jobs and will probably have more work than I want starting the beginning of June, but I am really bored right now.
I have spent quite a bit of time this week doing some research on schools. I am looking at a few down on Long Island. While I am terrified at the prospect of packing up my life to be with someone 6 hours away, it also feels right. She and I talk about all of this rationally and have plans for if it doesn't work. It's a weird relationship for me because I feel like I am totally wrapped up in "the new" typically. It's not like that with her. I don't know if it's because we live far apart so we process the shit out of everything or if it is just a much healthier relationship than I normally get myself into. It's really good though.
I went to my third crossfit class today. It was crazy hard. I felt like I was going to puke about half way through, but I finished anyway. It never sounds that hard when they are explaining it to you, but the reality of is kinda miserable. While I spend the entire workout cursing and saying I will never do it again, I leave feeling like I conquered the world. I understand why everyone says it's addicting. I am pretty sure I will not be able to move my arms tomorrow though!
Alright, I guess that is all from me today. I will write more soon.
I have spent quite a bit of time this week doing some research on schools. I am looking at a few down on Long Island. While I am terrified at the prospect of packing up my life to be with someone 6 hours away, it also feels right. She and I talk about all of this rationally and have plans for if it doesn't work. It's a weird relationship for me because I feel like I am totally wrapped up in "the new" typically. It's not like that with her. I don't know if it's because we live far apart so we process the shit out of everything or if it is just a much healthier relationship than I normally get myself into. It's really good though.
I went to my third crossfit class today. It was crazy hard. I felt like I was going to puke about half way through, but I finished anyway. It never sounds that hard when they are explaining it to you, but the reality of is kinda miserable. While I spend the entire workout cursing and saying I will never do it again, I leave feeling like I conquered the world. I understand why everyone says it's addicting. I am pretty sure I will not be able to move my arms tomorrow though!
Alright, I guess that is all from me today. I will write more soon.
Monday, May 20, 2013
New...
I am officially in a new relationship. She and I have been talking/seeing each other for a couple months and it is easy and fun and intense. She is beautiful and kind and funny. Here's the catch... she lives in New York. We have spent a few weekends together and talk every day, but I am worried about the distance. We talked about me moving down there (my life is more portable), but it's scary. How do you know if it is worth moving for without just taking the plunge? And would I hate living on Long Island?
Anyway, I really like her. She is working on finishing her personal training certification and interns at a crossfit place. She eventually wants to be a crossfit coach. It's pretty cool. After a year of my brother telling me that I should try crossfit and the fact that Traci is all about it, I decided I should give it a whirl. One word... torture! I went last Tuesday and my quads are still screaming! I am going to go again tomorrow morning with a friend of mine and hopefully I will not be quite as sore this week. I doubt it though! While it was really hard and it hurts like crazy, I felt a huge since of accomplishment when I made it through the workout. I feel like it is a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to accomplish.
Right now my work situation is dire. I have a nannying job that is typically one day a week, but will be 3 days a week in June. I am trying to find something else for the summer, but I am not sure what kind of job is best considering I have to go back to school in the fall. I have applied for a few more nanny jobs, so hopefully something works out. I am also having issues with trying to figure out student loans for the fall. UNE is ridiculously expensive and I don't have a cosigner for private student loans (Kristen's aunt used to cosign for them before). It has been incredibly stressful trying to figure out how to make it work, but maybe it's just not supposed to work. Maybe I need to find a new school or figure out a new plan. Who knows???
I just joined a church group that starts tomorrow night. The trip to Mexico really opened up my mind to the idea of religion. I ended up having a meeting with the pastor a couple weeks ago about his position on homosexuality. While he couldn't say it is totally ok, his best friend is gay and he feels like everyone deserves to be a part of his church. I can accept that. So, I am not entirely sure where Christianity fits into my life, I want to give it a chance. I know that there has to be something out there (possibly God) and I want to explore the possibilities. We'll see if this church group brings any clarity to me.
Anyway, that is pretty much what is going on in my life. Exciting new relationship, no work, sore quads, exploring theology, school issues... feels like a lot, but I am really hopeful right now. I have been able to be pretty optimistic about life for quite a while now, even when things are tough. I am really grateful for the life I have and for the amazing people in it.
Alright, I am off to have a coffee with a friend and then I am going to make myself run today, sore quads or not. Wish me luck!
Anyway, I really like her. She is working on finishing her personal training certification and interns at a crossfit place. She eventually wants to be a crossfit coach. It's pretty cool. After a year of my brother telling me that I should try crossfit and the fact that Traci is all about it, I decided I should give it a whirl. One word... torture! I went last Tuesday and my quads are still screaming! I am going to go again tomorrow morning with a friend of mine and hopefully I will not be quite as sore this week. I doubt it though! While it was really hard and it hurts like crazy, I felt a huge since of accomplishment when I made it through the workout. I feel like it is a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to accomplish.
Right now my work situation is dire. I have a nannying job that is typically one day a week, but will be 3 days a week in June. I am trying to find something else for the summer, but I am not sure what kind of job is best considering I have to go back to school in the fall. I have applied for a few more nanny jobs, so hopefully something works out. I am also having issues with trying to figure out student loans for the fall. UNE is ridiculously expensive and I don't have a cosigner for private student loans (Kristen's aunt used to cosign for them before). It has been incredibly stressful trying to figure out how to make it work, but maybe it's just not supposed to work. Maybe I need to find a new school or figure out a new plan. Who knows???
I just joined a church group that starts tomorrow night. The trip to Mexico really opened up my mind to the idea of religion. I ended up having a meeting with the pastor a couple weeks ago about his position on homosexuality. While he couldn't say it is totally ok, his best friend is gay and he feels like everyone deserves to be a part of his church. I can accept that. So, I am not entirely sure where Christianity fits into my life, I want to give it a chance. I know that there has to be something out there (possibly God) and I want to explore the possibilities. We'll see if this church group brings any clarity to me.
Anyway, that is pretty much what is going on in my life. Exciting new relationship, no work, sore quads, exploring theology, school issues... feels like a lot, but I am really hopeful right now. I have been able to be pretty optimistic about life for quite a while now, even when things are tough. I am really grateful for the life I have and for the amazing people in it.
Alright, I am off to have a coffee with a friend and then I am going to make myself run today, sore quads or not. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Photos from Mexico!!!
Lots of thinking
This week has been filled with racing thoughts. What if I was to leave school and go down to Juarez? I know it seems pretty dumb to even thing about, but what is the importance of a degree if my heart is going to be elsewhere? I am drawn there; like I finally found my purpose. I have always wanted to do some kind of service work (PeaceCorps, etc.) but haven't had the opportunity yet. Now that the opportunity has presented itself, do I walk away and hope that another chance arises?
Before we left for the trip the group leader told us that no one will understand the experience unless they have lived it. It is so true. This week has been incredibly rough trying to explain a spiritual, emotional, and physical experience that many Americans will never have. One of the Casas por Cristo volunteers explained it very well when he described the feeling of "being more alive than ever before." But again, if you haven't walked in those shoes, you can't imagine the humility, inspiration, joy, and devastation that the week brought. I don't know if everyone in the group experienced it, but I know that this was a life changing experience.
Right now, I feel like everyone is thinking I am a total flake... maybe I am. Maybe I will continue walking through my life uncertain of my next step or next destination. But what is wrong with that? We all go about the motions of school, work, retire, die... is that what it's about? Maybe being a flake is right where I need to be. Maybe I need to see the world, experience everything there is out there, try every occupation possible. Who knows??? What I do know is that my heart is in Juarez. I feel like I left my home behind. Totally crazy considering I was only there for a week, I don't speak the language, and I am a big lesbian. (Not a super open place for gays.) I have more thinking to do; more soul searching. Hopefully I can find a way to follow my heart. Although it is flakey, I want nothing more from life than to be a blessing to others and feel at peace with myself.
Well, there is a stream of consciousness blog post for you! I hope you and your families are well! Happy Wednesday! :)
Before we left for the trip the group leader told us that no one will understand the experience unless they have lived it. It is so true. This week has been incredibly rough trying to explain a spiritual, emotional, and physical experience that many Americans will never have. One of the Casas por Cristo volunteers explained it very well when he described the feeling of "being more alive than ever before." But again, if you haven't walked in those shoes, you can't imagine the humility, inspiration, joy, and devastation that the week brought. I don't know if everyone in the group experienced it, but I know that this was a life changing experience.
Right now, I feel like everyone is thinking I am a total flake... maybe I am. Maybe I will continue walking through my life uncertain of my next step or next destination. But what is wrong with that? We all go about the motions of school, work, retire, die... is that what it's about? Maybe being a flake is right where I need to be. Maybe I need to see the world, experience everything there is out there, try every occupation possible. Who knows??? What I do know is that my heart is in Juarez. I feel like I left my home behind. Totally crazy considering I was only there for a week, I don't speak the language, and I am a big lesbian. (Not a super open place for gays.) I have more thinking to do; more soul searching. Hopefully I can find a way to follow my heart. Although it is flakey, I want nothing more from life than to be a blessing to others and feel at peace with myself.
Well, there is a stream of consciousness blog post for you! I hope you and your families are well! Happy Wednesday! :)
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Mexico
I just got back from Mexico last night. I went to Juarez on a short term missions trip with a church that my father belongs to. We went with an organization called Casas Por Cristo to build three houses for families in need. Then once the houses were complete, we spent two days at orphanages in the city.
It seems like I have been gone forever, but it also feels like it went by really fast. The trip was humbling in so many ways. We spent the first three days building our houses and the last two days at an orphanage playing with children and doing some painting for them. It was an amazing experience. The director of the orphanage asked me if I would like to come down to volunteer there for the summer. I am very torn. While my heart is there, I am worried that I will not want to come back. I want to finish school, but also feel like maybe there are other things that are more important in life. I am not sure where to go from here.
I have always had a really hard time with the whole God thing. Not that I don't believe that there is "something" but I just don't know if the God of the bible exists. Whatever God there is, he was present this week. And our team motto turned into "we are right where God wants us to be," which took on several meanings throughout the week.
It was amazing to see how kind, generous, and humble the people in Juarez are. Despite the fact that they live in complete poverty, they share everything they have and always greet you with a smile. It was eye opening to see the difference between the US and there. Americans have everything, every opportunity and yet we still complain and are unhappy. It brings about all kinds of guilty feelings.
Anyway, I am sure that I will have the chance to share more with you as time goes on, but right now (as you can tell) my brain is still processing all of it. It was an amazing experience and I hope that I have the opportunity to go back very soon. I feel drawn to that city and its people.
One of the team leaders wrote this in the church blog and I think it was an extremely important part of our experience. When we were driving along this stretch of highway, the van with 14 people in it fell completely silent. There is no way to reconcile the poverty on the right with the overindulgence on the left. Steph said, "as we drove into El Paso the highway ran along the border between the United States and Mexico for several minutes. To the left were the suburbs of El Paso, and to the right, on the other side of the border fence, was Juarez. The difference is as stark as the line on a dirty windshield where the wipers won’t reach. To compare the multimillion dollar houses with the 11 foot by 20 foot home we had just built, a home that could be duplicated for dozens of mexican families with the money that it cost to build one of those Texas homes, was like a fist in my chest. I can’t imagine what it must be like to live on the lower side of the fence and look up at the wealth above any more than I can imagine looking down at the scattered shacks and huts that serve as houses from my thousand dollar couch in my million dollar home."
I know that this is pretty scattered, but I wanted to get some of these thoughts down while they are fresh. I will try to write more soon and fill in details. I hope you are all doing well in blogland!
-Ashley
It seems like I have been gone forever, but it also feels like it went by really fast. The trip was humbling in so many ways. We spent the first three days building our houses and the last two days at an orphanage playing with children and doing some painting for them. It was an amazing experience. The director of the orphanage asked me if I would like to come down to volunteer there for the summer. I am very torn. While my heart is there, I am worried that I will not want to come back. I want to finish school, but also feel like maybe there are other things that are more important in life. I am not sure where to go from here.
I have always had a really hard time with the whole God thing. Not that I don't believe that there is "something" but I just don't know if the God of the bible exists. Whatever God there is, he was present this week. And our team motto turned into "we are right where God wants us to be," which took on several meanings throughout the week.
It was amazing to see how kind, generous, and humble the people in Juarez are. Despite the fact that they live in complete poverty, they share everything they have and always greet you with a smile. It was eye opening to see the difference between the US and there. Americans have everything, every opportunity and yet we still complain and are unhappy. It brings about all kinds of guilty feelings.
Anyway, I am sure that I will have the chance to share more with you as time goes on, but right now (as you can tell) my brain is still processing all of it. It was an amazing experience and I hope that I have the opportunity to go back very soon. I feel drawn to that city and its people.
One of the team leaders wrote this in the church blog and I think it was an extremely important part of our experience. When we were driving along this stretch of highway, the van with 14 people in it fell completely silent. There is no way to reconcile the poverty on the right with the overindulgence on the left. Steph said, "as we drove into El Paso the highway ran along the border between the United States and Mexico for several minutes. To the left were the suburbs of El Paso, and to the right, on the other side of the border fence, was Juarez. The difference is as stark as the line on a dirty windshield where the wipers won’t reach. To compare the multimillion dollar houses with the 11 foot by 20 foot home we had just built, a home that could be duplicated for dozens of mexican families with the money that it cost to build one of those Texas homes, was like a fist in my chest. I can’t imagine what it must be like to live on the lower side of the fence and look up at the wealth above any more than I can imagine looking down at the scattered shacks and huts that serve as houses from my thousand dollar couch in my million dollar home."
I know that this is pretty scattered, but I wanted to get some of these thoughts down while they are fresh. I will try to write more soon and fill in details. I hope you are all doing well in blogland!
-Ashley
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Quick update
SO, after a second and third opinion (and another test), the previous diagnosis has been deemed incorrect. Major win for me! I am perfectly healthy, so when the time is right, I will get pregnant without any preconceived ideas about the horrible things that I am passing on to my baby. I can breathe again.
I started school five weeks ago and it is going great! It is a lot of work, but I suppose that pre-med students should be working hard. I have an A average in all of my classes right now (even precalculus and mollecular bio). I am feeling really good about that! I may not end up with A's at the end of the semester, but it is nice to start out strong. Also, all of the cool stuff I am learning is just amazing. I am totally in heaven!
I am dating someone that is pretty special. I don't have time to go into a lot of detail, but the long and short of it... she is kind, intelligent, funny, generous, and ridiculously beautiful! We are taking the dating thing really slow which is nice. Not my typical M.O. (or the typical lesbian M.O.) but it has been great!
Anyway, I will write more soon. Just thought I would give you all a HAPPY update for once. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! :)
I started school five weeks ago and it is going great! It is a lot of work, but I suppose that pre-med students should be working hard. I have an A average in all of my classes right now (even precalculus and mollecular bio). I am feeling really good about that! I may not end up with A's at the end of the semester, but it is nice to start out strong. Also, all of the cool stuff I am learning is just amazing. I am totally in heaven!
I am dating someone that is pretty special. I don't have time to go into a lot of detail, but the long and short of it... she is kind, intelligent, funny, generous, and ridiculously beautiful! We are taking the dating thing really slow which is nice. Not my typical M.O. (or the typical lesbian M.O.) but it has been great!
Anyway, I will write more soon. Just thought I would give you all a HAPPY update for once. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! :)
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Trying
I am trying really hard to keep swimming. I am so excited about school and all of the new prospects in my life, but sometimes it is just really hard to keep my head above water.
A couple weeks ago, a medical condition that may be an issue for me was brought to my attention. It is kind of a long story, but basically, after tests and going to a specialist on Wednesday the diagnosis was confirmed. After the appointment I was due to go to counseling (really good thing because I was devastated). On my way to counseling I cried the whole way. I am so worried about what this diagnosis means for several aspects of my life.
Anyway, once I got to counseling, I was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine when someone came out of one of the counselors offices. I looked up to see if it was my counselor, but instead, it was Kristen's new girlfriend. I have dreaded the day when I run into her. Although I know that Kristen and I had issues long before she came along, Arianne was pre-picked to be the next girlfriend before Kristen ever left. I had envisioned the run in to be more like... I look great, I am confident, and I tell her that I don't respect the way things worked, but I hope you guys are happy and have a wonderful future together. Take the high road while looking and feeling fabulous. Instead, I had been crying for an hour straight, with make-up under my eyes, feeling vulnerable and unable to ever muster the courage to look at her for more than a brief second. I probably looked like a complete loser. So, that was a really awesome experience that I hope none of you ever have the misfortune to experience.
Back to the diagnosis... I have been dealing the ideas of how this is going to impact my life going forward. It is hereditary (although we haven't pinpointed where it came from for me). This morning, for the first time, I realized that IT'S HEREDITARY which means that I can pass this along to my children. Seriously? All I have ever wanted from my life is to be a mother, to feel a baby moving inside me, to experience the whole process. So now I have to really contemplate the choice of bringing a child into this world that may or may not have a health problem that they will struggle with their entire life. How do I justify that? I want to give my child the best chances at being successful, healthy, and happy... my genetic material may not be capable of giving them those things. What a fucking realization.
I know that my blog sucks. I know that I am a huge downer. I am just wondering when the shit is going to stop hitting the fan. I try like hell to see the silver lining, but really, some days it's fucking hard. Eventually, this will blow over and I will learn to live with this diagnosis. And maybe when I meet a new, amazing partner they will have better genetics and be able to provide me with the family that I want someday. For now, it's pretty hard to see that anything but the hard stuff.
I am sorry that it seems that I only write when things suck. I will try to be better about writing when good stuff happens too. I hope that you are all having a wonderful winter and that your families are happy and healthy.
A couple weeks ago, a medical condition that may be an issue for me was brought to my attention. It is kind of a long story, but basically, after tests and going to a specialist on Wednesday the diagnosis was confirmed. After the appointment I was due to go to counseling (really good thing because I was devastated). On my way to counseling I cried the whole way. I am so worried about what this diagnosis means for several aspects of my life.
Anyway, once I got to counseling, I was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine when someone came out of one of the counselors offices. I looked up to see if it was my counselor, but instead, it was Kristen's new girlfriend. I have dreaded the day when I run into her. Although I know that Kristen and I had issues long before she came along, Arianne was pre-picked to be the next girlfriend before Kristen ever left. I had envisioned the run in to be more like... I look great, I am confident, and I tell her that I don't respect the way things worked, but I hope you guys are happy and have a wonderful future together. Take the high road while looking and feeling fabulous. Instead, I had been crying for an hour straight, with make-up under my eyes, feeling vulnerable and unable to ever muster the courage to look at her for more than a brief second. I probably looked like a complete loser. So, that was a really awesome experience that I hope none of you ever have the misfortune to experience.
Back to the diagnosis... I have been dealing the ideas of how this is going to impact my life going forward. It is hereditary (although we haven't pinpointed where it came from for me). This morning, for the first time, I realized that IT'S HEREDITARY which means that I can pass this along to my children. Seriously? All I have ever wanted from my life is to be a mother, to feel a baby moving inside me, to experience the whole process. So now I have to really contemplate the choice of bringing a child into this world that may or may not have a health problem that they will struggle with their entire life. How do I justify that? I want to give my child the best chances at being successful, healthy, and happy... my genetic material may not be capable of giving them those things. What a fucking realization.
I know that my blog sucks. I know that I am a huge downer. I am just wondering when the shit is going to stop hitting the fan. I try like hell to see the silver lining, but really, some days it's fucking hard. Eventually, this will blow over and I will learn to live with this diagnosis. And maybe when I meet a new, amazing partner they will have better genetics and be able to provide me with the family that I want someday. For now, it's pretty hard to see that anything but the hard stuff.
I am sorry that it seems that I only write when things suck. I will try to be better about writing when good stuff happens too. I hope that you are all having a wonderful winter and that your families are happy and healthy.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Still here
I haven't written in a while. There isn't a whole lot going on, although it feels like it has been crazy. I have spent a lot of time trying to reconnect with old friends and build new friendships. It has always been tough for me to try to make new friends, but I am working really hard at it.
The day care closed yesterday which is pretty heart wrenching. I have become so attached to the babies over the last few years. It is going to be difficult not to see them every day. I have a few babies that I will babysit for once in a while, but for the most part I won't see them much. It is also difficult because I closed the day care after fifteen years in operation. My mother worked very hard to build that business and has helped to raise well over 100 children. It is sad to see the end of an era.
Classes begin for me on Thursday. I am starting to freak out a little, but I am also really excited. I bought my books about a month ago and I have everything all ready to go. My biggest source of stress is precalculus. I am horrible at math so I am dreading taking precalc and calculus. Hopefully, I surprise myself and do really well. I will keep my fingers crossed.
I recently started dating. It is kind of weird, but I figure that it is probably time. Kristen is "facebook official" with her new girl, so I should at least open my eyes to new possibilities (not that her status changes my dating intentions). I have been on dates with three people and it is kind of a confusing process. One girl has no sense of humor, one seems too intense, and the third is pretty awesome. The girl that I liked and I have been talking a lot since our last date and I am hopeful that we will continue to have fun together. It's really strange though because I am very cautious. Something about this process is completely terrifying to me. Haven't pinpointed what is scaring me, but I am sure I will figure it out. It may just be the fact that I have been with Kristen for four years and I am not used to thinking about myself as single.
Anyway, let's just hope that I continue to enjoy dating girl #3 and maybe something will come of it. She is a pretty amazing person. It's funny though because she is someone that I wouldn't necessarily have dated a few years ago. She is incredibly bright, successful, sarcastic, and challenges me intellectually. She is daring and loves to travel. I hope that things work out. If not, I am getting a better idea of what I am looking for.
I have been asked several times recently if I will start dating men again. Even some of my good friends have asked. I don't feel like that is a possibility for me now. I have become so comfortable and happy with my life. I love women and I am not sure that I would be able to find the same happiness with a man.
Ok... so that is a snippet of what is going on in my life at the moment. Hopefully the next time I write I can tell you all that precalculus is super easy!!! I hope all is well with everyone in blogland!
-Ashley
The day care closed yesterday which is pretty heart wrenching. I have become so attached to the babies over the last few years. It is going to be difficult not to see them every day. I have a few babies that I will babysit for once in a while, but for the most part I won't see them much. It is also difficult because I closed the day care after fifteen years in operation. My mother worked very hard to build that business and has helped to raise well over 100 children. It is sad to see the end of an era.
Classes begin for me on Thursday. I am starting to freak out a little, but I am also really excited. I bought my books about a month ago and I have everything all ready to go. My biggest source of stress is precalculus. I am horrible at math so I am dreading taking precalc and calculus. Hopefully, I surprise myself and do really well. I will keep my fingers crossed.
I recently started dating. It is kind of weird, but I figure that it is probably time. Kristen is "facebook official" with her new girl, so I should at least open my eyes to new possibilities (not that her status changes my dating intentions). I have been on dates with three people and it is kind of a confusing process. One girl has no sense of humor, one seems too intense, and the third is pretty awesome. The girl that I liked and I have been talking a lot since our last date and I am hopeful that we will continue to have fun together. It's really strange though because I am very cautious. Something about this process is completely terrifying to me. Haven't pinpointed what is scaring me, but I am sure I will figure it out. It may just be the fact that I have been with Kristen for four years and I am not used to thinking about myself as single.
Anyway, let's just hope that I continue to enjoy dating girl #3 and maybe something will come of it. She is a pretty amazing person. It's funny though because she is someone that I wouldn't necessarily have dated a few years ago. She is incredibly bright, successful, sarcastic, and challenges me intellectually. She is daring and loves to travel. I hope that things work out. If not, I am getting a better idea of what I am looking for.
I have been asked several times recently if I will start dating men again. Even some of my good friends have asked. I don't feel like that is a possibility for me now. I have become so comfortable and happy with my life. I love women and I am not sure that I would be able to find the same happiness with a man.
Ok... so that is a snippet of what is going on in my life at the moment. Hopefully the next time I write I can tell you all that precalculus is super easy!!! I hope all is well with everyone in blogland!
-Ashley
Monday, December 17, 2012
What happened?
Something.... something happened in my brain or soul or whatever that has made me sad. It has been a fairly regular feeling for the last three weeks and I just can't seem to shake it. Last week I thought that yoga or meditation may be the magical panacea, but it just doesn't seem that way.
Things are difficult because I am feeling pretty alone in the world. Before Kristen and I got together, my mom and I were very close. Whenever things got bad I leaned on her. It wasn't always a good thing because she is not all that great at being supportive, but I always felt close enough to her so that I never felt alone. Truthfully, I haven't had a really good, reliable friend in my life. Most of them were nice to my face but talked behind my back or fooled around with my brother (when he was in middle school) or stole my boyfriend. It has just always been me against the world with my mother to fall back on.
When Kristen and I got together she slowly became "my person." I could tell her anything, be myself in front of her, allow myself to be vulnerable. I had never had that before.
When I started going to counseling last spring, my counselor started talking to me about how I need to have better boundaries with my mother. Although my mom has always been there for me, she can also be one of the meanest people I know. My counselor felt that I needed to establish boundaries to avoid being hurt by her all the time. So, I did just that. I set up boundaries, made a point to tell her only things that would be non-controversial, and told her that there were some things in her life that I should not know (as her child). The boundaries have worked like a charm. My mother has been making me much less angry and hurt over the last 4-6 months and I feel like it was a great step toward growing up.
The downside... My mother was my fallback before Kristen. Now that I have set such clear boundaries and recognized the areas in which I should not trust my mother, it is impossible to go back. So, without my mother and Kristen, I am back to being alone in the world.
Kristen is dating again. I don't know if it is the girl that she "wanted to explore her feelings for" before we broke up, but she has found someone else. How does that happen? How do you go from making mix CDs of love songs and taking your fiancee out to anniversary dinners one month and then fall into bed with someone else the next??? Maybe I am having a harder time without because I am still living in "our house." Her stuff is still all around me. Kristen is still a part of me but I have been washed clean out of her life. I ask again, how does that happen?
I don't want her back. I am better off without her because I know that someday I will find a much deeper love. I do have faith that there is someone that will fit into my life better than she did. But right now, how do I stop grieving the loss of "my person," our family, and everything we had together? I feel like Kristen didn't even skip a beat. How do you do that? Seriously, I want the secret.
Anyway, now that I have written a long sob story. I guess I will go read a book and escape for a while. I am really sorry that most of my entries are depressing. Someday my life will be happy and exciting and hopefully you guys will still be around to hear about it. I hope you all have a great Monday!
Things are difficult because I am feeling pretty alone in the world. Before Kristen and I got together, my mom and I were very close. Whenever things got bad I leaned on her. It wasn't always a good thing because she is not all that great at being supportive, but I always felt close enough to her so that I never felt alone. Truthfully, I haven't had a really good, reliable friend in my life. Most of them were nice to my face but talked behind my back or fooled around with my brother (when he was in middle school) or stole my boyfriend. It has just always been me against the world with my mother to fall back on.
When Kristen and I got together she slowly became "my person." I could tell her anything, be myself in front of her, allow myself to be vulnerable. I had never had that before.
When I started going to counseling last spring, my counselor started talking to me about how I need to have better boundaries with my mother. Although my mom has always been there for me, she can also be one of the meanest people I know. My counselor felt that I needed to establish boundaries to avoid being hurt by her all the time. So, I did just that. I set up boundaries, made a point to tell her only things that would be non-controversial, and told her that there were some things in her life that I should not know (as her child). The boundaries have worked like a charm. My mother has been making me much less angry and hurt over the last 4-6 months and I feel like it was a great step toward growing up.
The downside... My mother was my fallback before Kristen. Now that I have set such clear boundaries and recognized the areas in which I should not trust my mother, it is impossible to go back. So, without my mother and Kristen, I am back to being alone in the world.
Kristen is dating again. I don't know if it is the girl that she "wanted to explore her feelings for" before we broke up, but she has found someone else. How does that happen? How do you go from making mix CDs of love songs and taking your fiancee out to anniversary dinners one month and then fall into bed with someone else the next??? Maybe I am having a harder time without because I am still living in "our house." Her stuff is still all around me. Kristen is still a part of me but I have been washed clean out of her life. I ask again, how does that happen?
I don't want her back. I am better off without her because I know that someday I will find a much deeper love. I do have faith that there is someone that will fit into my life better than she did. But right now, how do I stop grieving the loss of "my person," our family, and everything we had together? I feel like Kristen didn't even skip a beat. How do you do that? Seriously, I want the secret.
Anyway, now that I have written a long sob story. I guess I will go read a book and escape for a while. I am really sorry that most of my entries are depressing. Someday my life will be happy and exciting and hopefully you guys will still be around to hear about it. I hope you all have a great Monday!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Ethical dilemma???
SO, I posted this comment on facebook last night (after this situation happened):
"Funny story... I came down to CT to visit my aunt and uncle for the weekend. My aunt has been watching the news all day and totally forgot that I was coming. She also didn't mention it to my uncle. So, I came in at quarter of ten and they were already in bed. I went upstairs and started to get stuff out of my bag and I heard their bedroom door open so I went to the top of the stairs to say hi. Standing at the bottom of the stairs was my uncle IN THE NUDE with a gun in his hand. That's right folks, I almost met my maker with my uncle's naked body being the last sight I ever saw. Lucky for me, he recognized me and went to put a bathrobe on. He thought I was a burglar. Ha."
I had 31 friends "like" it, and 14 comments saying how funny it was. Then my aunt's friend called her and told her that I really should take that comment off facebook after what happened yesterday. I am deeply saddened by the horrible events that played out yesterday in Newtown, CT. It is so tragic and appalling and evil. My comment on facebook was in no way intended to make light of guns or anything like that. I was just conveying my thoughts on a relatively comical situation that had just taken place.
Anyway, my aunt passed the phone over to me so her friend could tell me her thoughts on why I should take the post down. I have known this lady for like 20 years (I see her a few times a year at parties and stuff). I see her point, but I am also very annoyed. I am 29 years old. I am not a child. If she did not like my post, then don't read it, or put a negative comment on there. I don't care... but I just feel like I was scolded. It has been SEVERAL years since I have felt scolded by an adult. So not cool. I ended up taking the comment down and unfriending her. I am all set with having her police my facebook page. So much for freedom of speech. :/
"Funny story... I came down to CT to visit my aunt and uncle for the weekend. My aunt has been watching the news all day and totally forgot that I was coming. She also didn't mention it to my uncle. So, I came in at quarter of ten and they were already in bed. I went upstairs and started to get stuff out of my bag and I heard their bedroom door open so I went to the top of the stairs to say hi. Standing at the bottom of the stairs was my uncle IN THE NUDE with a gun in his hand. That's right folks, I almost met my maker with my uncle's naked body being the last sight I ever saw. Lucky for me, he recognized me and went to put a bathrobe on. He thought I was a burglar. Ha."
I had 31 friends "like" it, and 14 comments saying how funny it was. Then my aunt's friend called her and told her that I really should take that comment off facebook after what happened yesterday. I am deeply saddened by the horrible events that played out yesterday in Newtown, CT. It is so tragic and appalling and evil. My comment on facebook was in no way intended to make light of guns or anything like that. I was just conveying my thoughts on a relatively comical situation that had just taken place.
Anyway, my aunt passed the phone over to me so her friend could tell me her thoughts on why I should take the post down. I have known this lady for like 20 years (I see her a few times a year at parties and stuff). I see her point, but I am also very annoyed. I am 29 years old. I am not a child. If she did not like my post, then don't read it, or put a negative comment on there. I don't care... but I just feel like I was scolded. It has been SEVERAL years since I have felt scolded by an adult. So not cool. I ended up taking the comment down and unfriending her. I am all set with having her police my facebook page. So much for freedom of speech. :/
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Intention without attachment
So I mentioned that I have been meditating. I was doing this "meditation challenge" with Deepak Chopra (who I love). Anyway, one of his big principles is the Law of Detachment. Basically, you should have intentions and work toward goals but you cannot have an attachment to the outcome. I had a lesson in this today. I found out that I am not eligible for financial aid at USM because I started a semester 11 years ago and then withdrew. Apparently it made me have poor academic standing and my 4.0 from the last two years of school and my membership in Phi Theta Kappa (honor society) don't count. The lady told me that I can appeal the decision but even if they approve it I will only be eligible for grants (no scholarships) and I will be on academic probation.
My lesson in attachment... I was almost sure that I was going to get a "free ride" to USM. I just assumed that a competitive school like UNE would give me much less than a state school. I was so wrong. Although my actions (11 years ago) are the cause of my crappy financial aid situation, I just don't feel like it is fair. I got really mad and started crying when I got off the phone. BUT THEN... I remembered that I shouldn't have gotten attached to the outcome. My desire is to go to school in the spring. I want to enjoy my education and get my Bachelor's degree, it really doesn't matter which school I go to. Sure, UNE is three times more expensive than USM but they also are a more competitive school. It will look better when I try to get into grad school and I think I will be challenged more academically if I am at UNE. Plus, I wanted to go to UNE; it was my first choice. The only reason that I was going to go to USM was to save money. Well, fuck money! I am going to my first choice school, I am going to enjoy every minute of it, and I am going to make a point to never complain about the six figure student loan debt I am going to accrue.
The other thing that has happened this week that was a lesson in "the universe" or God... I got a job! About a month ago I told my acupuncturist that I was going to be looking for a part time job once the day care closed. He said he would keep it in mind. Although I wasn't getting stressed (yet) about not having any job prospects, I knew that I had to get in gear pretty quickly to find something. I was dreading the application/interview process and I really didn't want most of the jobs that are typically part time gigs (retail, food service, etc.). On Saturday, my acupuncturist asked me what my school schedule is for the spring semester. I told him I didn't know yet. He then said to let him know once I get my schedule finalized because he wants to hire me. I am going to take care of his two children starting in January. He has a two year old and a four week old. I am so excited to be able to take care of two beautiful kids for a family that I really like and respect. The best part about it... I put my intentions out to the universe and got a job. I know that it will not always work like that, but I am really grateful that it worked that way this time.
Another thing that I figured out today is that I feel EXPONENTIALLY better when I do yoga. I was feeling ok after Kristen moved out. I was sad, but able to spend a lot of time feeling gratitude for what I do have. Three weeks ago I sprained my ankle and I have had a cold for the last two weeks. Having the physical ailments has prevented me from doing yoga and I have slowly begun feeling more sad. I finally was able to do a full hour of yoga today and I immediately felt better. It was like I just flipped a switch. Who knew that yoga could make that big of a difference for me? So, with this new knowledge, I am going to try to keep up with my yoga practice. Hopefully my ankle holds out.
Anyway, I hope that everyone had a good day. I am going to eat a tasty dinner and take Banjo for a walk. Good way to end my day off. :)
My lesson in attachment... I was almost sure that I was going to get a "free ride" to USM. I just assumed that a competitive school like UNE would give me much less than a state school. I was so wrong. Although my actions (11 years ago) are the cause of my crappy financial aid situation, I just don't feel like it is fair. I got really mad and started crying when I got off the phone. BUT THEN... I remembered that I shouldn't have gotten attached to the outcome. My desire is to go to school in the spring. I want to enjoy my education and get my Bachelor's degree, it really doesn't matter which school I go to. Sure, UNE is three times more expensive than USM but they also are a more competitive school. It will look better when I try to get into grad school and I think I will be challenged more academically if I am at UNE. Plus, I wanted to go to UNE; it was my first choice. The only reason that I was going to go to USM was to save money. Well, fuck money! I am going to my first choice school, I am going to enjoy every minute of it, and I am going to make a point to never complain about the six figure student loan debt I am going to accrue.
The other thing that has happened this week that was a lesson in "the universe" or God... I got a job! About a month ago I told my acupuncturist that I was going to be looking for a part time job once the day care closed. He said he would keep it in mind. Although I wasn't getting stressed (yet) about not having any job prospects, I knew that I had to get in gear pretty quickly to find something. I was dreading the application/interview process and I really didn't want most of the jobs that are typically part time gigs (retail, food service, etc.). On Saturday, my acupuncturist asked me what my school schedule is for the spring semester. I told him I didn't know yet. He then said to let him know once I get my schedule finalized because he wants to hire me. I am going to take care of his two children starting in January. He has a two year old and a four week old. I am so excited to be able to take care of two beautiful kids for a family that I really like and respect. The best part about it... I put my intentions out to the universe and got a job. I know that it will not always work like that, but I am really grateful that it worked that way this time.
Another thing that I figured out today is that I feel EXPONENTIALLY better when I do yoga. I was feeling ok after Kristen moved out. I was sad, but able to spend a lot of time feeling gratitude for what I do have. Three weeks ago I sprained my ankle and I have had a cold for the last two weeks. Having the physical ailments has prevented me from doing yoga and I have slowly begun feeling more sad. I finally was able to do a full hour of yoga today and I immediately felt better. It was like I just flipped a switch. Who knew that yoga could make that big of a difference for me? So, with this new knowledge, I am going to try to keep up with my yoga practice. Hopefully my ankle holds out.
Anyway, I hope that everyone had a good day. I am going to eat a tasty dinner and take Banjo for a walk. Good way to end my day off. :)
A quiet Thursday morning
I don't have any place I need to be until 1pm today. Banjo and I are sitting on the couch in front of the Christmas tree watching the news. I feel grateful that he is here and that I am in a warm apartment, but I am sad this week. Don't know if it is the upcoming holidays or what, but it is difficult not to feel kinda sad. I know that Kristen and I are better off as friends, but it doesn't change the fact that I have spent the last 4 years with her. I think the loss of the idea of "our family" is hard too. We had planned on having a beautiful child by now and it's really hard to think about the fact that it's just me. Banjo is here sometimes, but for the most part, it's just me against the world.
I e-mailed the day care parents last night to tell them that the day care will be closing in a month. I think that is contributing to my sadness. I have grown very close to the kids and their families and I feel like I am letting them down. I know that I need to do what is best for me and my future, but I wish that I didn't have to feel like I am hurting people in the process. I know that the kids will be ok and that they will probably never remember me or having to transition to a new day care. It is just sad.
In the process of switching schools, I am going to have to stop seeing my counselor. I started seeing her because I was the partner of a UNE student. Then, I enrolled at UNE so I could see her as a student. Now, I am neither going to be a student or the partner of a student. I know that I am probably going to be fine without her, but she has been a great resource over the last nine months. I feel like I have grown so much and I owe a lot of that to her help. It is going to be a weird transition without her.
Anyway, I am sorry that this is kind of a depressing post. I have tried very hard to remain optimistic throughout this break up but for now I think I just need to feel sad. I am sure the sadness will lift and new, greater happiness will present itself. I feel like I have been blessed in so many ways over the last year and I trust that things will be great!
On the positive side... I was accepted into the program to go build houses in Mexico for a week. I am really excited to be part of that. I have never been to Mexico that that will be cool but I am also really looking forward to helping others. I have greatly enjoyed volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I really love talking to other volunteers and the clients. I feel like I am doing something good for our community and meeting people that I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet.
For now, I am going to take Banjo to the dog park to meet one of our good friends. He is going to be so happy when he realizes that it isn't going to be just a boring morning. :) I hope everyone is having a great day!
I e-mailed the day care parents last night to tell them that the day care will be closing in a month. I think that is contributing to my sadness. I have grown very close to the kids and their families and I feel like I am letting them down. I know that I need to do what is best for me and my future, but I wish that I didn't have to feel like I am hurting people in the process. I know that the kids will be ok and that they will probably never remember me or having to transition to a new day care. It is just sad.
In the process of switching schools, I am going to have to stop seeing my counselor. I started seeing her because I was the partner of a UNE student. Then, I enrolled at UNE so I could see her as a student. Now, I am neither going to be a student or the partner of a student. I know that I am probably going to be fine without her, but she has been a great resource over the last nine months. I feel like I have grown so much and I owe a lot of that to her help. It is going to be a weird transition without her.
Anyway, I am sorry that this is kind of a depressing post. I have tried very hard to remain optimistic throughout this break up but for now I think I just need to feel sad. I am sure the sadness will lift and new, greater happiness will present itself. I feel like I have been blessed in so many ways over the last year and I trust that things will be great!
On the positive side... I was accepted into the program to go build houses in Mexico for a week. I am really excited to be part of that. I have never been to Mexico that that will be cool but I am also really looking forward to helping others. I have greatly enjoyed volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I really love talking to other volunteers and the clients. I feel like I am doing something good for our community and meeting people that I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet.
For now, I am going to take Banjo to the dog park to meet one of our good friends. He is going to be so happy when he realizes that it isn't going to be just a boring morning. :) I hope everyone is having a great day!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
A month later
It has been a month since Kristen and I split up. It feels like much longer than that. It feels like there has been closure and we are both doing ok separately. How did that happen in a month? I still have moments where I miss her presence. The first two weeks were weird because I kept subconsciously expecting to walk into a room and see her there. It was funny because for the first two weeks I only slept on my side of the bed. I would wake up in the morning and her side of the bed was untouched. Now, I wake up with all of the covers wrapped around me laying diagonally across the bed. My subconscious caught up to reality.
I think part of the success in feeling fairly peaceful in the face of a million changes is the fact that I have taken up meditation and trying on faith in "something." I have been going to church with my father which has been very valuable. I am not really a God person. I have come to realize that I have had a grudge against God since I was a child. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.
In the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (it may be too much info), but here is my issue with God... When I was four I was molested by my teenage cousin. As you can imagine, it really ripped my extended family apart. I feel incredibly grateful that my parents got me the counseling that I needed then (and several other times throughout my childhood) but it didn't change the fact that my family was in pieces. Anyway, my aunt (the mother of the molester) is a SUPER bible thumper and she used to say stuff about "God forgiving us for lying if we apologized to them" and made a point to say "God bless" to me anytime she happened to see me. Obviously, now I realize that God was not the problem, her pathology is the issue, but as a child I was unable to see that God wasn't part of the problem.
Fast forward to present day... I am trying to figure out where God may fit into my life. Do I believe that there is a God, like a single entity? I lean more toward the idea of "the universe," like we are all a part of the higher being. No matter how I see it, I am finding that going to church with my father is very beneficial. They are a pretty liberal church and the pastor is kind of kooky so it is enjoyable. On top of church on Sundays, I have applied to join a group of people going to Mexico for a week to help build houses. I am hoping that I am able to go as I think it would be an eye opening and mutually beneficial trip.
Anyway, I don't know if meditation, God, the universe, or just a readiness to move on is what is making this transition easier... but I am very grateful. I am looking forward to starting school in the spring and moving into a new apartment. For now, I am going to try to nurse the cold I have and try to get back into my daily yoga routine (after a sprained ankle two weeks ago that is still swollen). I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season!
I think part of the success in feeling fairly peaceful in the face of a million changes is the fact that I have taken up meditation and trying on faith in "something." I have been going to church with my father which has been very valuable. I am not really a God person. I have come to realize that I have had a grudge against God since I was a child. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.
In the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (it may be too much info), but here is my issue with God... When I was four I was molested by my teenage cousin. As you can imagine, it really ripped my extended family apart. I feel incredibly grateful that my parents got me the counseling that I needed then (and several other times throughout my childhood) but it didn't change the fact that my family was in pieces. Anyway, my aunt (the mother of the molester) is a SUPER bible thumper and she used to say stuff about "God forgiving us for lying if we apologized to them" and made a point to say "God bless" to me anytime she happened to see me. Obviously, now I realize that God was not the problem, her pathology is the issue, but as a child I was unable to see that God wasn't part of the problem.
Fast forward to present day... I am trying to figure out where God may fit into my life. Do I believe that there is a God, like a single entity? I lean more toward the idea of "the universe," like we are all a part of the higher being. No matter how I see it, I am finding that going to church with my father is very beneficial. They are a pretty liberal church and the pastor is kind of kooky so it is enjoyable. On top of church on Sundays, I have applied to join a group of people going to Mexico for a week to help build houses. I am hoping that I am able to go as I think it would be an eye opening and mutually beneficial trip.
Anyway, I don't know if meditation, God, the universe, or just a readiness to move on is what is making this transition easier... but I am very grateful. I am looking forward to starting school in the spring and moving into a new apartment. For now, I am going to try to nurse the cold I have and try to get back into my daily yoga routine (after a sprained ankle two weeks ago that is still swollen). I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Lots of choices
I haven't written in a while. I guess I have been putting it off until I knew what direction I was headed... funny, I am no closer to knowing what I should do. I keep putting it out to the universe or God or whatever is out there. I believe that everything will fall into place soon enough. Some days it just feels difficult to wait for things to smooth out. Although, being in the "in between" is kind of exciting. There are a million directions I could go in...
I got accepted to University of Southern Maine (as of yesterday). I was pretty sure that I would get in as it isn't really competitive, but it always feels good to have the acceptance letter in hand. I am waiting on the financial aid package that they will put together for me. I am hoping that they can give me enough financial aid so that it will pay entirely for tuition. If that works, then I think I have enough in student loans to get me through this year without working. I can close the day care and take on a small part-time job for spending money. It would be so amazing to be able to finish school without working 40 hours a week.
I know that it sounds weird, but I am used to Kristen being gone. I love her and she is going to remain one of my best friends. I have gone through a million emotions over the last month, but I have come to a place of peace and acceptance. I look forward to meeting new people and enjoying my life with Kristen as a wonderful friend.
I started volunteering at the soup kitchen/food bank last week. I am going to go once a week to help out. I am really enjoying meeting other volunteers and feeling like I am doing something to help the community.
Anyway, that is pretty much it for now. I will try to write more soon. Hope everyone is well!
I got accepted to University of Southern Maine (as of yesterday). I was pretty sure that I would get in as it isn't really competitive, but it always feels good to have the acceptance letter in hand. I am waiting on the financial aid package that they will put together for me. I am hoping that they can give me enough financial aid so that it will pay entirely for tuition. If that works, then I think I have enough in student loans to get me through this year without working. I can close the day care and take on a small part-time job for spending money. It would be so amazing to be able to finish school without working 40 hours a week.
I know that it sounds weird, but I am used to Kristen being gone. I love her and she is going to remain one of my best friends. I have gone through a million emotions over the last month, but I have come to a place of peace and acceptance. I look forward to meeting new people and enjoying my life with Kristen as a wonderful friend.
I started volunteering at the soup kitchen/food bank last week. I am going to go once a week to help out. I am really enjoying meeting other volunteers and feeling like I am doing something to help the community.
Anyway, that is pretty much it for now. I will try to write more soon. Hope everyone is well!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Amended Post
My former boss is currently on life support. His prognosis is very bleak but he is still alive. We all are continuing to pray for him and hope that things turn around. Please send some good juju Mat's way.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Shock
One of my old bosses died today. He is one of the most amazing humans I think I have ever known. He was kind, generous, loving, and a great leader. Mat treated his wife like a queen; helping her follow her dreams, supporting her with the kids, and being an overall nice person. He smiled at everyone he came in contact with and always had a corny joke to make you smile. He took the time to explain everything to his kids. No matter how late he was running, he always allowed his children the privilege of being heard and respected. He got down on their level and made them feel important. He made everyone feel important.
I am very sad for his wife and three young kids (all under 7). I have known the oldest since he was a year old and have known the others since they were just little sonogram photos. I am praying for them and sending them all the good vibes I possibly can. I don't know if you all in blogland believe in praying, but if you do, can you say a little prayer for Jen, Bryce, Carter and Audrey? I want them to feel safe and loved through this horrible tragedy. I wish them the best this world has to offer them.
As for Mat, you will be missed by the thousands of lives that you have touched. Goodbye for now, my friend.
I am very sad for his wife and three young kids (all under 7). I have known the oldest since he was a year old and have known the others since they were just little sonogram photos. I am praying for them and sending them all the good vibes I possibly can. I don't know if you all in blogland believe in praying, but if you do, can you say a little prayer for Jen, Bryce, Carter and Audrey? I want them to feel safe and loved through this horrible tragedy. I wish them the best this world has to offer them.
As for Mat, you will be missed by the thousands of lives that you have touched. Goodbye for now, my friend.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Fresh snow
Last night we got our first snow. I woke up at 4am and looked out the window and it was beautiful. By 6am (the time I would normally get up) it had started raining and the snow had turned to slush and the beauty had vanished. I am glad that I woke up too early because I was able to take in that moment, before the rain washed the snow away. There is always something special about the first snow.
Kristen and I officially broke up yesterday. I had made the decision to end it anyway so when we talked, it was evident that it was what we both wanted. I think it was time for us to go our separate ways, but losing someone that you love that much is never easy. She and I are great partners and friends but there was something missing. There was no spark anymore. I had to decide what the most loving thing would be for both of us. Separating seemed to be what my heart was telling me was best.
We were able to sit down for a few hours last night and talk about what we want from this. Fortunately, we both want to remain friends and it feels really good to know that I will not be losing the most important person in my life entirely. I think we are going to be better friends than anything else. I love her like crazy and feel so grateful for having the opportunity to have been with her for the last four years. She has stood by me through some of the hardest times and supported me while I morphed into a stronger person. So grateful!
I know this all sounds like sunshine and roses, but that isn't entirely it. I am feeling sad today. It feels kind of empty in our home without her, but I know that will heal with time. I haven't had to take any of the anti-anxiety medicine since making the decision about splitting up. So, I guess I am moving in the right direction.
Right now, I am relaxing on the couch with Banjo sleeping next to me. It feels really good to have him with me. I know Kristen misses him when he is here, but I think the shared "custody" is going to be the best solution. He and I went for a long walk this afternoon which made us both feel better. He loves long walks and I was able to be present and in the moment. Again, I am grateful.
I hope everything is going well for you all. Thank you for all of your love and support through this rocky time. I appreciate you all very much. :)
Kristen and I officially broke up yesterday. I had made the decision to end it anyway so when we talked, it was evident that it was what we both wanted. I think it was time for us to go our separate ways, but losing someone that you love that much is never easy. She and I are great partners and friends but there was something missing. There was no spark anymore. I had to decide what the most loving thing would be for both of us. Separating seemed to be what my heart was telling me was best.
We were able to sit down for a few hours last night and talk about what we want from this. Fortunately, we both want to remain friends and it feels really good to know that I will not be losing the most important person in my life entirely. I think we are going to be better friends than anything else. I love her like crazy and feel so grateful for having the opportunity to have been with her for the last four years. She has stood by me through some of the hardest times and supported me while I morphed into a stronger person. So grateful!
I know this all sounds like sunshine and roses, but that isn't entirely it. I am feeling sad today. It feels kind of empty in our home without her, but I know that will heal with time. I haven't had to take any of the anti-anxiety medicine since making the decision about splitting up. So, I guess I am moving in the right direction.
Right now, I am relaxing on the couch with Banjo sleeping next to me. It feels really good to have him with me. I know Kristen misses him when he is here, but I think the shared "custody" is going to be the best solution. He and I went for a long walk this afternoon which made us both feel better. He loves long walks and I was able to be present and in the moment. Again, I am grateful.
I hope everything is going well for you all. Thank you for all of your love and support through this rocky time. I appreciate you all very much. :)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Clearer skies
I woke up at five this morning... huge improvement on the 3:30 yesterday morning. Luckily I didn't wake up feeling like things were crashing down around me this morning. I feeling a slight glimmer of hope today. I am not sure if it will stick, but things feel better. I miss Kristen, but I know that will take a long time to go away.
Today was a day of being kind to myself. Surrounding myself with positive people and doing things that I enjoy. You know what??? There are so many more loving, kind, amazing people in my life than I realized. I was able to look at what I do have in my life and see that with or without Kristen, my life will be full. Again, this is how I feel for now... that does not mean that tomorrow I will not be writing how much life sucks. But for now, I am ok.
This afternoon I had someone that I respect very much tell me that I am "an amazing woman." I was told that I didn't even know how strong and intelligent and intuitive and kind I am. Then he said "and you're beautiful to boot." Honestly, I needed to hear that. To remember I am so much more than Kristen's fiancee. I am ready to move forward in my life and make a better relationship with her or accomplish everything that I ever dreamed of without her.
Someone else told me today "we are banking on you being a doctor someday." That made me feel really good too because I have been wavering on my decision to eventually go to medical school. I keep saying that its because I want kids, but you know, I can have it all if I am willing to work hard.
Today I am able to see the sunset and hear the birds chirp. Today I feel alive. That is one step closer to getting back to good. I will try to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can. I know that there are going to be many more difficult moments, but I know that I am more than capable of making it through.
Side note... apparently my mom took my nephews to the park today. She let the four year old go to the bathroom alone because there were other men in the bathroom. Well, once all the men had cleared the bathroom my mom went in to see if Chase needed help. She found that Chase had pooped in the urinal and peed in his pants. Ahhh the joys of children. :)
Today was a day of being kind to myself. Surrounding myself with positive people and doing things that I enjoy. You know what??? There are so many more loving, kind, amazing people in my life than I realized. I was able to look at what I do have in my life and see that with or without Kristen, my life will be full. Again, this is how I feel for now... that does not mean that tomorrow I will not be writing how much life sucks. But for now, I am ok.
This afternoon I had someone that I respect very much tell me that I am "an amazing woman." I was told that I didn't even know how strong and intelligent and intuitive and kind I am. Then he said "and you're beautiful to boot." Honestly, I needed to hear that. To remember I am so much more than Kristen's fiancee. I am ready to move forward in my life and make a better relationship with her or accomplish everything that I ever dreamed of without her.
Someone else told me today "we are banking on you being a doctor someday." That made me feel really good too because I have been wavering on my decision to eventually go to medical school. I keep saying that its because I want kids, but you know, I can have it all if I am willing to work hard.
Today I am able to see the sunset and hear the birds chirp. Today I feel alive. That is one step closer to getting back to good. I will try to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can. I know that there are going to be many more difficult moments, but I know that I am more than capable of making it through.
Side note... apparently my mom took my nephews to the park today. She let the four year old go to the bathroom alone because there were other men in the bathroom. Well, once all the men had cleared the bathroom my mom went in to see if Chase needed help. She found that Chase had pooped in the urinal and peed in his pants. Ahhh the joys of children. :)
Monday, November 5, 2012
Second verse, same as the first
Today was just a repeat of yesterday and the day before and the day before that. How do you reconcile that two weeks ago we were going to try to have a baby and yesterday Kristen moved out. And today, she is off with a new girl. I feel like I just ceased to exist. Kristen moves on and gets to be happy while meanwhile I (the one with no fault in this) get to have panic attacks. How does this work in the whole Karma thing?
Last night I had to go to urgent care to get anti-anxiety medicine. I have never been on it before (except for like one every three years that my mom/a friend gives me to help in stressful situations). It is really hard to admit that I am emotionally broken and need pharmaceutical help, but I am not sure how I would do it without. This whole things is just so confusing. How do you go from trying to start a family to completely done in less than two weeks... Really?
I texted Kristen a little while ago to see if I could come get Banjo for the night. The apartment just feels too empty. She called me back and had a weird little fit about it and asked if she could drop him off tomorrow. I had another call coming in so I told her I had to go. Honestly, if it is that big of a deal, screw it. We can negotiate dog custody in couples counseling. Again I ask... how did we get here?
Anyway, I also went to the dentist today for a cleaning. It was a $200 bill that I didn't really have the money for to begin with BUT I also found out that I have two cavities that need filling ASAP. So, I will end up spending about $500 altogether. Money was already tight, but now I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay $1050 per month for rent by myself and buy groceries and pay utilities... now I have cavities too. Awesome!
So, again I am going to apologize for my Debbie Downer post. I know that they will probably get less depressing as time wears on so hang in there. I hope you all had a good Monday.
-Ashley
Last night I had to go to urgent care to get anti-anxiety medicine. I have never been on it before (except for like one every three years that my mom/a friend gives me to help in stressful situations). It is really hard to admit that I am emotionally broken and need pharmaceutical help, but I am not sure how I would do it without. This whole things is just so confusing. How do you go from trying to start a family to completely done in less than two weeks... Really?
I texted Kristen a little while ago to see if I could come get Banjo for the night. The apartment just feels too empty. She called me back and had a weird little fit about it and asked if she could drop him off tomorrow. I had another call coming in so I told her I had to go. Honestly, if it is that big of a deal, screw it. We can negotiate dog custody in couples counseling. Again I ask... how did we get here?
Anyway, I also went to the dentist today for a cleaning. It was a $200 bill that I didn't really have the money for to begin with BUT I also found out that I have two cavities that need filling ASAP. So, I will end up spending about $500 altogether. Money was already tight, but now I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay $1050 per month for rent by myself and buy groceries and pay utilities... now I have cavities too. Awesome!
So, again I am going to apologize for my Debbie Downer post. I know that they will probably get less depressing as time wears on so hang in there. I hope you all had a good Monday.
-Ashley
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