I don't have any place I need to be until 1pm today. Banjo and I are sitting on the couch in front of the Christmas tree watching the news. I feel grateful that he is here and that I am in a warm apartment, but I am sad this week. Don't know if it is the upcoming holidays or what, but it is difficult not to feel kinda sad. I know that Kristen and I are better off as friends, but it doesn't change the fact that I have spent the last 4 years with her. I think the loss of the idea of "our family" is hard too. We had planned on having a beautiful child by now and it's really hard to think about the fact that it's just me. Banjo is here sometimes, but for the most part, it's just me against the world.
I e-mailed the day care parents last night to tell them that the day care will be closing in a month. I think that is contributing to my sadness. I have grown very close to the kids and their families and I feel like I am letting them down. I know that I need to do what is best for me and my future, but I wish that I didn't have to feel like I am hurting people in the process. I know that the kids will be ok and that they will probably never remember me or having to transition to a new day care. It is just sad.
In the process of switching schools, I am going to have to stop seeing my counselor. I started seeing her because I was the partner of a UNE student. Then, I enrolled at UNE so I could see her as a student. Now, I am neither going to be a student or the partner of a student. I know that I am probably going to be fine without her, but she has been a great resource over the last nine months. I feel like I have grown so much and I owe a lot of that to her help. It is going to be a weird transition without her.
Anyway, I am sorry that this is kind of a depressing post. I have tried very hard to remain optimistic throughout this break up but for now I think I just need to feel sad. I am sure the sadness will lift and new, greater happiness will present itself. I feel like I have been blessed in so many ways over the last year and I trust that things will be great!
On the positive side... I was accepted into the program to go build houses in Mexico for a week. I am really excited to be part of that. I have never been to Mexico that that will be cool but I am also really looking forward to helping others. I have greatly enjoyed volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I really love talking to other volunteers and the clients. I feel like I am doing something good for our community and meeting people that I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet.
For now, I am going to take Banjo to the dog park to meet one of our good friends. He is going to be so happy when he realizes that it isn't going to be just a boring morning. :) I hope everyone is having a great day!
Holidays are hard, especially in the middle of so much change! could your therapist see you as a private client, or would it cost too much? and yay for mexico! That's going to rock!
ReplyDeleteIf I have learned one thing in this life, it is that sometimes you just have to let yourself feel sad. If the sadness is there, let it be there. And write about it. Somehow once it is out there, it never feels quite as bad. Hang in there!
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