This week has been filled with racing thoughts. What if I was to leave school and go down to Juarez? I know it seems pretty dumb to even thing about, but what is the importance of a degree if my heart is going to be elsewhere? I am drawn there; like I finally found my purpose. I have always wanted to do some kind of service work (PeaceCorps, etc.) but haven't had the opportunity yet. Now that the opportunity has presented itself, do I walk away and hope that another chance arises?
Before we left for the trip the group leader told us that no one will understand the experience unless they have lived it. It is so true. This week has been incredibly rough trying to explain a spiritual, emotional, and physical experience that many Americans will never have. One of the Casas por Cristo volunteers explained it very well when he described the feeling of "being more alive than ever before." But again, if you haven't walked in those shoes, you can't imagine the humility, inspiration, joy, and devastation that the week brought. I don't know if everyone in the group experienced it, but I know that this was a life changing experience.
Right now, I feel like everyone is thinking I am a total flake... maybe I am. Maybe I will continue walking through my life uncertain of my next step or next destination. But what is wrong with that? We all go about the motions of school, work, retire, die... is that what it's about? Maybe being a flake is right where I need to be. Maybe I need to see the world, experience everything there is out there, try every occupation possible. Who knows??? What I do know is that my heart is in Juarez. I feel like I left my home behind. Totally crazy considering I was only there for a week, I don't speak the language, and I am a big lesbian. (Not a super open place for gays.) I have more thinking to do; more soul searching. Hopefully I can find a way to follow my heart. Although it is flakey, I want nothing more from life than to be a blessing to others and feel at peace with myself.
Well, there is a stream of consciousness blog post for you! I hope you and your families are well! Happy Wednesday! :)
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