Something.... something happened in my brain or soul or whatever that has made me sad. It has been a fairly regular feeling for the last three weeks and I just can't seem to shake it. Last week I thought that yoga or meditation may be the magical panacea, but it just doesn't seem that way.
Things are difficult because I am feeling pretty alone in the world. Before Kristen and I got together, my mom and I were very close. Whenever things got bad I leaned on her. It wasn't always a good thing because she is not all that great at being supportive, but I always felt close enough to her so that I never felt alone. Truthfully, I haven't had a really good, reliable friend in my life. Most of them were nice to my face but talked behind my back or fooled around with my brother (when he was in middle school) or stole my boyfriend. It has just always been me against the world with my mother to fall back on.
When Kristen and I got together she slowly became "my person." I could tell her anything, be myself in front of her, allow myself to be vulnerable. I had never had that before.
When I started going to counseling last spring, my counselor started talking to me about how I need to have better boundaries with my mother. Although my mom has always been there for me, she can also be one of the meanest people I know. My counselor felt that I needed to establish boundaries to avoid being hurt by her all the time. So, I did just that. I set up boundaries, made a point to tell her only things that would be non-controversial, and told her that there were some things in her life that I should not know (as her child). The boundaries have worked like a charm. My mother has been making me much less angry and hurt over the last 4-6 months and I feel like it was a great step toward growing up.
The downside... My mother was my fallback before Kristen. Now that I have set such clear boundaries and recognized the areas in which I should not trust my mother, it is impossible to go back. So, without my mother and Kristen, I am back to being alone in the world.
Kristen is dating again. I don't know if it is the girl that she "wanted to explore her feelings for" before we broke up, but she has found someone else. How does that happen? How do you go from making mix CDs of love songs and taking your fiancee out to anniversary dinners one month and then fall into bed with someone else the next??? Maybe I am having a harder time without because I am still living in "our house." Her stuff is still all around me. Kristen is still a part of me but I have been washed clean out of her life. I ask again, how does that happen?
I don't want her back. I am better off without her because I know that someday I will find a much deeper love. I do have faith that there is someone that will fit into my life better than she did. But right now, how do I stop grieving the loss of "my person," our family, and everything we had together? I feel like Kristen didn't even skip a beat. How do you do that? Seriously, I want the secret.
Anyway, now that I have written a long sob story. I guess I will go read a book and escape for a while. I am really sorry that most of my entries are depressing. Someday my life will be happy and exciting and hopefully you guys will still be around to hear about it. I hope you all have a great Monday!
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