Not being pregnant feels unfair. It was only our first time, but I feel betrayed or something. I know that is probably a strange emotion to put on this, but I guess that’s what it is. I think all of the stuff going on with my parents’ separation is what is weighing most heavily. I was able to set that aside when I was trying to get pregnant because my family (Kristen, future baby, and I) were what needed my attention. Now that I am not pregnant, the separation is in the forefront.
I had this idea that getting pregnant was going to be easy. I did everything I possibly could to optimize my chances of getting pregnant using at-home ICI. For me, doing EVERYTHING in my power means that I can accomplish it. When I want something I put my mind to it and get it done. This is literally one of the few things on earth that my will power, preparedness, and hard work cannot predict a successful outcome. That frustrates me. I guess you would have to be a type-A personality to understand. Kristen keeps telling me that I did everything I could and that it has nothing to do with us. I love Kristen and I know that she is trying to help, but unfortunately this is going to feel like a little bit of a failure for a little while. Just my personality.
On a high note… I got over 100% on an exam in my Jazz Appreciation class last night. I was extremely worried about that exam because I have NO musical ability. Eighth-note, what? I spent close to seven hours studying over the weekend and clearly it paid off!
-Ashley
Ashley, as a true type A personality, I truly understand everything you say. Why is it that everyone (straight) around me keeps having all of these oopps babies whereas my attempts are costing around $700 a month? Why is it that I have planned, read, researched and educated myself to the point of default and I still feel so powerless. I feel like the body that made me a cheerleader and pageant princess and medical professional, is betraying me on my next request to be a mother. It's just not fair.
ReplyDeletestreetdoc1313-
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to hear that I am not totally alone feeling that way. Most people that I have talked to about it think that sounds strange. People try to remind me that straight couples even have to try for a while before they get pregnant... the big difference is that only having 1cc to get the job done each month makes the whole thing a bit more daunting. That and the fact that we are going to be depleting our savings. Oh well. Quest for parenthood continues. -Ashley