Friday, January 20, 2012

I have a dream...

Well, had a dream. This morning I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of excitement. I had been dreaming that I took three pregnancy tests in a row and they were positive. The dream was so vivid... I was so happy. Then I woke up. I had that feeling of excitement in my chest and had to talk myself back down to cautiously optimistic before I got up to go POAS. I kept trying to tell myself that it probably wouldn't be positive and not to get my hopes up. In the back of my head I was just sure that I would see a positive this time. NEGATIVE. You know, having that dream right before taking the test was like someone's cruel joke. I felt like my heart had been ripped out when I saw the negative. To go from elation (even if it wasn't real) to extreme disappointment really sucked this morning. BUT, I just keep on trudging.

I went to acupuncture this morning which was great. My acupuncturist is really awesome and he typically knows the right things to say when life isn't going my way. The treatment was much needed and I am a little less disappointed.

I am trying to think about how next month is going to go. We used our last vial of sperm this month, so we need to buy more. I think we will switch donors. I am not sure that the donor will make much difference, but making a change makes me feel better. Looking at the third IUI and sixth try at getting pregnant is a little disheartening, but I am going to try to be optimistic. Once you have tried five times, how do you not start to feel like there is something wrong with you??? I have worked really hard at this... I need some payoff soon because I am starting to feel kind of broken.

Anyway, I am going to try to pull myself together now. I think I am fine and then I get all emotional. I don't know how to not feel that way. I think it is just part of the process. Kristen is helpful because she just hugs me and shares in my disappointment. This morning though, she did the shoveling. That was one of the best gifts she could have given me. I expected to have to go out and do it, but she did it. It was great!

I hope everyone has had a great week! Best of luck trying to conceive and with your pregnancies.
-Ashley

2 comments:

  1. :( What a sad end to such a lovely dream. I wish it had been the other way! You'e not broken--even straight couples can take a whole year of trying sometimes, and they don't have the limitations we do!

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  2. Ughhh!!! :( I am so bummed for you ladies... I was so hoping to see a positive post today on day 12!! I know how difficult it is to stay positive during this really tough process, but it is so critical to let go of all negative juju and just look at the brighter side of things. J and I switched donors with each IUI with did.... we kind of look at it as one shot, on kill. And if the donor didn't get us pregnant during that ONE IUI, we just took that as a sign. We didn't have any connections to these donors so it didn't matter to use that we were switching (obviously, it might be different if we decide to go through this process again and we may want full siblings). So, maybe a new donor may just be what the doctor ordered. I am cheering you ladies on, all the way from San Diego!!! :)

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