Not this time

My uterus continues to be babyless.  After taking three negative pregnancy tests and still not believing that I wasn’t pregnant, my period started today so I guess that is confirmation.  I was reading someone’s blog and she was saying that she convinces herself that she may be the person that still gets a period while pregnant.  YES!!!  Me too!!!  I mean, both of the times that we have tried to get pregnant, I have convinced myself of that.  Totally unrealistic, I know!

I have started thinking about our next ICI.  I am a little bit nervous because our first and second choice donors are sold out, so now we are moving down the list.  I guess it doesn’t matter that much (as long as I have a healthy baby), but having to rework the plan each time rattles me a bit.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that September is baby making month.  It seems like everyone else that is blogging gets pregnant on try number three (or after that), so I have to remember that I am right on schedule.  I had hoped for getting pregnant on the first try (as I am sure we all do), but reality is always a different beast altogether. 

We are gearing up for the big move this weekend.  Moving day is slated for the same day that Hurricane Irene hits us, so it should be interesting!

Today is a good day… not sure why I am feeling so optimistic, but things just seem to look brighter today.  I am glad I feel that way because the weather is a little wonky (severe thunder storms, torrential rain, etc.).  I am really grateful for the life that I have with Kristen and can’t wait to have a little bambino to add to our beautiful chaos!  

-Ashley

Day 11

This morning I took a pregnancy test.  No such luck.  I guess I will try again in a day or two.  Even though I know that our timing was off and some of the swimmers “leaked” out, I still felt really disappointed when the little stick said “not pregnant.”  Boo!

Life has been insane lately.  Trying to figure out the moving situation has been the most challenging.  We have to be out of our apartment on September 1.  That is all well and fine except that we are moving in with my parents and there is no where for us to go at the moment.  Their pending separation has left everyone at a standstill… neither wants to move out and neither wants to stay, so they are just both living in the house together.  I am pretty sure that they are going to drive me crazy… like certifiable, bat-ass crazy!  My mom asked me the other day “do you think I am big and beautiful or full-figured.”  Yeah, she has joined match.com to see if she can find someone to spend time with.  Really???  Neither of them can decide who is going to leave and she is already looking for that special someone.  Wow!

Classes are done for the summer and I am pretty sure that I still have a 4.0.  I won’t know until grades are released on Monday.  Although, I would have had to get a 50% on my finals to bring my grade down to a B in either class.  I am so happy that the semester is done and I get a whole week off without classes.  I am pretty sure I will be bored and ready to start school again within a few days.

My boss has decided to close his practice and work from his home.  That will make it so I work exclusively from home (in addition to working at my mother’s daycare).  I am looking forward to being able to work in my pajamas and maybe take Banjo (our dog) for walks and trips to the beach.  I am so excited for the change (but it won’t be ‘til November). 

Another super exciting thing… I got a new car!  The car that I had was a 1997 Nissan Altima that was slowly dying.  In order to get it inspected this year, I would have had to get breaks, tires, fix the exhaust, and fix some other internal thing that caused the check engine light to come on.  Anyway, it was time to put that car to rest!  So, we ended up getting a 2007 Ford Escape.  It is great because Banjo has his own little place in the back to sleep and I don’t have to worry about him jumping on my lap because an evil motorcycle drives by… win, win situation!  The best part is that the dealership we went to gives a free apple pie with the purchase of a vehicle.  I have to say, Kristen and I were most excited about the pie! (Love the car though) J

I guess that is all for now.  I will write again in the next few days when I figure out the BFN or BFP situation.  Baby dust all around!

-Ashley

Second try...

Today was our second try and I'm not sure how it went.  It started off with Ashley and I in fowl moods.  I was trying to soothe her because she was upset about possibly missing her ovulation, but it didn't go so well.  I always say things like, "It's okay if we missed it," "There's nothing we can do about it now," and "Let's check again in the morning."  Whatever I say isn't exactly what she wants to hear--namely because she's worried.  Maybe I don't worry enough?  From reading "The Other Mother" as well as others' blogs I am concerned that this may make Ashley feel like I'm not as connected to this whole thing.  Maybe I am supposed to flip out, too.  But, whether I flip out or don't, I don't want her ever feeling like a negative pregnancy test is a result of something she's done wrong.

How do you ace a pregnancy test?

Well, tonight we decided to give it a go.  Ashley had a positive ovulation reading this morning but tonight she didn't, which seems impossible to me since an ovulation cycle is something like 3-5 days long.  So after she went back and forth between waiting for the morning and trying tonight, we decided to try tonight.  And all was well until I removed the syringe and along with it came some of our donor sperm!  I cannot explain how utterly small I felt at that moment.  I basically burst into tears and fell down beside Ashley.

If it doesn't work this month, I won't be able to help believing that it was my fault for basically spilling our sperm!  Who does that!

To be fair to myself and this experience... it didn't all come out.  There's no way.  But when you have such a little amount at such a high cost you want every little bit of it to stay where it is supposed to be!  I'm going to try to maintain my optimistic outlook because... you never know, it only takes one fast swimmer, right?  Right.

Until next time...
Kristen

Ashley says I need to write...

... and it's true.  I let this "time off" get the best of me.

Ashley and I just got back from vacation where we did our share of relaxing, for once.  The two of us don't see each other very often because our schedules are opposite and I work on Saturdays to boot.  Trust me, she loves this... about as much as I love washing silverware by hand.  Our vacation was great because we got to spend so much time together and after a few days we both came to realize that not getting pregnant in June was something of a gift.  If we had been pregnant we wouldn't have been as comfortable and free to do whatever on vacation since we'd be trying to protect a bambino.  I think that realization gave Ashley some closure on our first attempt.

Now we're back at work and ready to jump back into all things baby.  At first it was difficult because we've been arguing a lot lately and the last thing I want to talk about when I'm frustrated is what we're going to do about buying sperm.  But those little fights (about who knows what, anything from dishes to our schedules to sex) come and go.  Ashley spent a while looking into our first choice donor and found he's now unavailable which through a tiny wrench into our plans.  After she spent a few days of weeding out duds from our potential replacements, I suggested I come home after work one night, make mimosas, crawl into bed and we'd choose our donor.  And that's exactly what we did.

Choosing our donor the first time around was a real time and emotional investment for Ashley, I think, whereas for me this file we review is just a means of choosing a healthy baby.  Some physical things matter to me too, but mostly I have a moral issue with having so much control over who you chose. [We just sat down to drinks with our friends last week and talked about this and it's interesting that the divide was the same; one thinks buying pictures and etc is weird and the other thinks it's better to know what you're getting than be completely surprised.]  I guess I like the idea of being detached from this donor.  While he is significant to the life of our future child, I don't want to look into my baby's face and say, "Oh look, he's got donor2222's eyes."  Not that it's super important.

Whatever, I've sidetracked myself.

The point is that Ashley was excited about our first choice.  I think she's excited about our second choice as well, but it's clearly different this time.

I guess I'm just forever trying to maintain a sense of stability within our life together.  I don't want Ashley to fall into this spiraling depression because we don't get pregnant when we only have a 30% chance!  And getting pregnant isn't the only complicated thing we're dealing with here.  We have our move to her parent's house (yes, we're doing that), another semester of school for her, I'm beginning graduate school, she's having to play superhero between two jobs, and we hardly see each other.  Ashley is an amazing woman who really pushes herself to the end of the line and always holds strong, but when something pushes her off balance (like not getting pregnant in June), it's like a domino effect.  She then has to continue all the commitments she has and try not to fall apart.  That alone makes me worry.  Then again, I always play it safe.  I never take on more than I know for a fact that I can handle.  Getting pregnant for me is a gamble that I hope we get lucky with sooner than later and I wish it could be similar for her.

That being said, I know it's not similar for her.  Her body is involved, her hopes are high, she's working at being pregnant while I sit idly by waiting for a positive result.  I don't work at it and won't have to until our baby is born.  I guess this is just one of those things it's hard for me to connect with because her experience is so different from mine.

That's the emotional side but to move on, we bought our second round and it should be delivered in the next couple of days, I think.  I'm excited to try but terrified of the two week wait.  I think we really jumped the gun last time and I'd like to hold off for as long as possible this time around.  We're going to be packing up this month, getting ready to move an hour south, which might help us keep our minds off pregnancy tests but... you know how tempting it is!

Until next time,
Kristen

Try, try again...

What a crazy summer it has been.  My parents’ separation has been weird, stressful, and altogether tiresome.  My mother’s business (that I work for three days a week) has had a lot of problems recently.  And to top it all off my body has been attacking itself… I have psoriasis, so autoimmune issues are not entirely new to me, but in early July my dentist diagnosed a small spot in my mouth as erosive lichen planus.  I know that stress is a key contributor to autoimmune issues, but it is really hard not to be stressed with everything that is going on.  Luckily, the treatment seems to be working very well and the spot in my mouth is clearing up quickly.

            So, after taking one month off from trying to conceive, we are back in the game.  I am a little nervous about it because of everything that has been going on.  We also had to go through the process of picking a new donor this time around.  Our first choice is sold out until October.  Our second choice had three vials available but we just bought one.  Hopefully this time works so we don’t have to pick someone else next month.

            This month, there is a very different tone going into trying to make a baby.  I am less sure that it is going to happen and I am less committed to a time frame.  I had this idea that I would take one semester off from school (spring), have the baby in March, and then go back to school in September and everything would be perfect.  Life just doesn’t work like that and I should have known better.  Today, I am trying to be very conscious about thinking positive but being realistic.  I think I need to start meditating or something. 

Inertia

I like this word "inertia" because it is ambiguous.  It means neither to continue moving or to continue sitting still, but merely to continue.  To continue doing whatever it is you may be doing.

Ashley and I are continuing our pursuit of parenthood although we hit a speed bump.

This whole not being pregnant thing... that really surprised me.  I know it sounds dumb to expect that you'll beat the odds, that things will work out in your favor, but I had this deep gut feeling telling me that we were pregnant.  The night before Ashley got her period we went out for wings after I got out of work and I told her I just had this feeling. Well, that feeling was all wrong.

I am disappointed--there is no denying that--but I am ready to push through that disappointment and look forward to next time.  I mean, really, how long can we be upset about not getting pregnant?  Ashley's taking it pretty hard which puts me in this complicated position of wanting to understand her sorrow and wanting to be over it.

There's a lot of time between this attempt and the next which puts a lot of emphasis on both attempts.  If there were some way to avoid the delay, to continue trying rather than skipping a month, I think it would take the focus off of our last attempt.

Until next time,
Kristen

Emotional hangover

Not being pregnant feels unfair.  It was only our first time, but I feel betrayed or something.  I know that is probably a strange emotion to put on this, but I guess that’s what it is.  I think all of the stuff going on with my parents’ separation is what is weighing most heavily.  I was able to set that aside when I was trying to get pregnant because my family (Kristen, future baby, and I) were what needed my attention.  Now that I am not pregnant, the separation is in the forefront. 

I had this idea that getting pregnant was going to be easy.  I did everything I possibly could to optimize my chances of getting pregnant using at-home ICI.  For me, doing EVERYTHING in my power means that I can accomplish it.  When I want something I put my mind to it and get it done.  This is literally one of the few things on earth that my will power, preparedness, and hard work cannot predict a successful outcome.  That frustrates me.  I guess you would have to be a type-A personality to understand.  Kristen keeps telling me that I did everything I could and that it has nothing to do with us.  I love Kristen and I know that she is trying to help, but unfortunately this is going to feel like a little bit of a failure for a little while.  Just my personality. 

On a high note… I got over 100% on an exam in my Jazz Appreciation class last night.  I was extremely worried about that exam because I have NO musical ability.  Eighth-note, what?  I spent close to seven hours studying over the weekend and clearly it paid off!

-Ashley