Have we not been deceived?

I was convinced that we may have beaten the odds and gotten pregnant on the first try.  A week after we inseminated Ashley's breasts were sore and she felt exhausted--signs of pregnancy.  But after three tests (maybe it's still too soon?) we haven't seen any positive results.

I feel like I may have handled this the wrong way.

This weekend I talked Ashley into buying some pregnancy tests since she was experiencing so many symptoms.  I said, "If a baby is what is effecting you, wouldn't it show on a pregnancy test?"  Well, first of all, what do I know?  I'm no doctor.  I haven't read about pregnancy.  I actually don't know much other than what's taught in biology class (genes from both parents divide and join to create a new life) and here I am telling Ashley she need to keep her hopes at a realistic level--reminding her it probably won't happen this time--and what do I do but talk her into buying pregnancy tests early.

It's been two weeks as of today since we inseminated and Ashley tested negative this morning.  Should that be the end all of this round?  Do we take it as a defeat?  Ashley sure did.  Me?  I am still okay.  I suppose that while I was excited at the idea that we may have won the fight this time, I kept it in the back of my mind that we might only be excited for our hopes--the dreams of our future.   It's been two weeks and Ashley isn't on schedule to have her period for another week.  Is it wrong of me not to accept that we've lost until then?

As Ashley's partner in this, I want to keep her heart safe from disappointment.  This morning, as she crawled back into bed with me and whispered into my sleeping ear that the test was negative, I had thoughts of immediately buying another batch of sperm and trying again right away (which we can, in no way, do).  As she cried, I wondered if it would have been so sad had I not encouraged her hopes as much as I did.  If I had only reminded her more often to be realistic.

The reality of the situation is that trying to get pregnant is a roller coaster of happy-sad, excitement-disappointment.  How are we not supposed to rejoice in signs of pregnancy when that's our goal?  How is she not supposed to be sad when she feels like something has gone wrong within her body (i.e. perhaps she was pregnant and it didn't attach)?

Waiting is easier on me.  In all senses, but particularly in this situation.  I am not the one experiencing changes in my body that I feel I have to interpret as +Pregnancy or -Pregnancy signs.

At this point... I just wish I could take the burden off of Ashley a little.

-Kristen


Today, I'd like to leave you with this adorable father daughter compilation: