We may have skipped a few beats along the way.

My intention was to write about the donor selection process and how I felt like it was so bogus but completely necessary. I wanted to write about a lot of things before today, before we inseminated.

So, we may have skipped a few beats along the way. Sorry for that. I'll touch on it later if I have the chance. For now, I'd just like to talk about how exciting these past few days have been. Well, exciting and terrifying.

Like Ashley mentioned in her most recent post, a few emotional issues have come up. A part of me was angry yesterday when I learned about everything going on with her parents. I was angry--not at her parents themselves--at the fact that everything was happening right when Ashley and I had planned for our donor delivery (which, in itself, was difficult). Attempting to get pregnant is stressful enough without added stress from external sources. Imagine my relief when Ashley said, "I don't want to worry about them. I just want to focus on our family and our future together." Not that her parents' well being isn't important, but I was afraid the stress of this situation could make getting pregnant difficult and while my baby is currently a figment of my imagination--a hope--it is still more important to me that this baby exist than it is for me to be preoccupied with their conflict.

Today was nice, though. The details are ours but it was hilarious and beautiful and I wish I could have stayed with her instead of going straight to work after. Maybe I could have shaken her up a little more--got to make sure those swimmers find their home! But instead I'm at work sending her e-mails asking if she thinks she's pregnant yet... Is it possible that I'm wanting too much too soon?

As soon as we began this whole thing Ashley said to me that it was "as if a little baby's soul was just waiting for us." Now, yes, maybe that's just her being sentimental, but I find myself calling this yet-to-exist baby "her." Last night, however, I went to sleep thinking about Ashley's parent's issues and our housing issues and I dreamed of a little boy with smiling eyes and brown hair. I told Ashley about it this morning, but she keeps telling me not to get my hopes up. Well, aren't they bound to be up to some extent? Anyway... when we do have a baby and he grows up to be a little kid with brown hair and smiling eyes, I'll remember last night's dream.

- Kristen