I am trying really hard to keep swimming. I am so excited about school and all of the new prospects in my life, but sometimes it is just really hard to keep my head above water.
A couple weeks ago, a medical condition that may be an issue for me was brought to my attention. It is kind of a long story, but basically, after tests and going to a specialist on Wednesday the diagnosis was confirmed. After the appointment I was due to go to counseling (really good thing because I was devastated). On my way to counseling I cried the whole way. I am so worried about what this diagnosis means for several aspects of my life.
Anyway, once I got to counseling, I was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine when someone came out of one of the counselors offices. I looked up to see if it was my counselor, but instead, it was Kristen's new girlfriend. I have dreaded the day when I run into her. Although I know that Kristen and I had issues long before she came along, Arianne was pre-picked to be the next girlfriend before Kristen ever left. I had envisioned the run in to be more like... I look great, I am confident, and I tell her that I don't respect the way things worked, but I hope you guys are happy and have a wonderful future together. Take the high road while looking and feeling fabulous. Instead, I had been crying for an hour straight, with make-up under my eyes, feeling vulnerable and unable to ever muster the courage to look at her for more than a brief second. I probably looked like a complete loser. So, that was a really awesome experience that I hope none of you ever have the misfortune to experience.
Back to the diagnosis... I have been dealing the ideas of how this is going to impact my life going forward. It is hereditary (although we haven't pinpointed where it came from for me). This morning, for the first time, I realized that IT'S HEREDITARY which means that I can pass this along to my children. Seriously? All I have ever wanted from my life is to be a mother, to feel a baby moving inside me, to experience the whole process. So now I have to really contemplate the choice of bringing a child into this world that may or may not have a health problem that they will struggle with their entire life. How do I justify that? I want to give my child the best chances at being successful, healthy, and happy... my genetic material may not be capable of giving them those things. What a fucking realization.
I know that my blog sucks. I know that I am a huge downer. I am just wondering when the shit is going to stop hitting the fan. I try like hell to see the silver lining, but really, some days it's fucking hard. Eventually, this will blow over and I will learn to live with this diagnosis. And maybe when I meet a new, amazing partner they will have better genetics and be able to provide me with the family that I want someday. For now, it's pretty hard to see that anything but the hard stuff.
I am sorry that it seems that I only write when things suck. I will try to be better about writing when good stuff happens too. I hope that you are all having a wonderful winter and that your families are happy and healthy.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Still here
I haven't written in a while. There isn't a whole lot going on, although it feels like it has been crazy. I have spent a lot of time trying to reconnect with old friends and build new friendships. It has always been tough for me to try to make new friends, but I am working really hard at it.
The day care closed yesterday which is pretty heart wrenching. I have become so attached to the babies over the last few years. It is going to be difficult not to see them every day. I have a few babies that I will babysit for once in a while, but for the most part I won't see them much. It is also difficult because I closed the day care after fifteen years in operation. My mother worked very hard to build that business and has helped to raise well over 100 children. It is sad to see the end of an era.
Classes begin for me on Thursday. I am starting to freak out a little, but I am also really excited. I bought my books about a month ago and I have everything all ready to go. My biggest source of stress is precalculus. I am horrible at math so I am dreading taking precalc and calculus. Hopefully, I surprise myself and do really well. I will keep my fingers crossed.
I recently started dating. It is kind of weird, but I figure that it is probably time. Kristen is "facebook official" with her new girl, so I should at least open my eyes to new possibilities (not that her status changes my dating intentions). I have been on dates with three people and it is kind of a confusing process. One girl has no sense of humor, one seems too intense, and the third is pretty awesome. The girl that I liked and I have been talking a lot since our last date and I am hopeful that we will continue to have fun together. It's really strange though because I am very cautious. Something about this process is completely terrifying to me. Haven't pinpointed what is scaring me, but I am sure I will figure it out. It may just be the fact that I have been with Kristen for four years and I am not used to thinking about myself as single.
Anyway, let's just hope that I continue to enjoy dating girl #3 and maybe something will come of it. She is a pretty amazing person. It's funny though because she is someone that I wouldn't necessarily have dated a few years ago. She is incredibly bright, successful, sarcastic, and challenges me intellectually. She is daring and loves to travel. I hope that things work out. If not, I am getting a better idea of what I am looking for.
I have been asked several times recently if I will start dating men again. Even some of my good friends have asked. I don't feel like that is a possibility for me now. I have become so comfortable and happy with my life. I love women and I am not sure that I would be able to find the same happiness with a man.
Ok... so that is a snippet of what is going on in my life at the moment. Hopefully the next time I write I can tell you all that precalculus is super easy!!! I hope all is well with everyone in blogland!
-Ashley
The day care closed yesterday which is pretty heart wrenching. I have become so attached to the babies over the last few years. It is going to be difficult not to see them every day. I have a few babies that I will babysit for once in a while, but for the most part I won't see them much. It is also difficult because I closed the day care after fifteen years in operation. My mother worked very hard to build that business and has helped to raise well over 100 children. It is sad to see the end of an era.
Classes begin for me on Thursday. I am starting to freak out a little, but I am also really excited. I bought my books about a month ago and I have everything all ready to go. My biggest source of stress is precalculus. I am horrible at math so I am dreading taking precalc and calculus. Hopefully, I surprise myself and do really well. I will keep my fingers crossed.
I recently started dating. It is kind of weird, but I figure that it is probably time. Kristen is "facebook official" with her new girl, so I should at least open my eyes to new possibilities (not that her status changes my dating intentions). I have been on dates with three people and it is kind of a confusing process. One girl has no sense of humor, one seems too intense, and the third is pretty awesome. The girl that I liked and I have been talking a lot since our last date and I am hopeful that we will continue to have fun together. It's really strange though because I am very cautious. Something about this process is completely terrifying to me. Haven't pinpointed what is scaring me, but I am sure I will figure it out. It may just be the fact that I have been with Kristen for four years and I am not used to thinking about myself as single.
Anyway, let's just hope that I continue to enjoy dating girl #3 and maybe something will come of it. She is a pretty amazing person. It's funny though because she is someone that I wouldn't necessarily have dated a few years ago. She is incredibly bright, successful, sarcastic, and challenges me intellectually. She is daring and loves to travel. I hope that things work out. If not, I am getting a better idea of what I am looking for.
I have been asked several times recently if I will start dating men again. Even some of my good friends have asked. I don't feel like that is a possibility for me now. I have become so comfortable and happy with my life. I love women and I am not sure that I would be able to find the same happiness with a man.
Ok... so that is a snippet of what is going on in my life at the moment. Hopefully the next time I write I can tell you all that precalculus is super easy!!! I hope all is well with everyone in blogland!
-Ashley
Monday, December 17, 2012
What happened?
Something.... something happened in my brain or soul or whatever that has made me sad. It has been a fairly regular feeling for the last three weeks and I just can't seem to shake it. Last week I thought that yoga or meditation may be the magical panacea, but it just doesn't seem that way.
Things are difficult because I am feeling pretty alone in the world. Before Kristen and I got together, my mom and I were very close. Whenever things got bad I leaned on her. It wasn't always a good thing because she is not all that great at being supportive, but I always felt close enough to her so that I never felt alone. Truthfully, I haven't had a really good, reliable friend in my life. Most of them were nice to my face but talked behind my back or fooled around with my brother (when he was in middle school) or stole my boyfriend. It has just always been me against the world with my mother to fall back on.
When Kristen and I got together she slowly became "my person." I could tell her anything, be myself in front of her, allow myself to be vulnerable. I had never had that before.
When I started going to counseling last spring, my counselor started talking to me about how I need to have better boundaries with my mother. Although my mom has always been there for me, she can also be one of the meanest people I know. My counselor felt that I needed to establish boundaries to avoid being hurt by her all the time. So, I did just that. I set up boundaries, made a point to tell her only things that would be non-controversial, and told her that there were some things in her life that I should not know (as her child). The boundaries have worked like a charm. My mother has been making me much less angry and hurt over the last 4-6 months and I feel like it was a great step toward growing up.
The downside... My mother was my fallback before Kristen. Now that I have set such clear boundaries and recognized the areas in which I should not trust my mother, it is impossible to go back. So, without my mother and Kristen, I am back to being alone in the world.
Kristen is dating again. I don't know if it is the girl that she "wanted to explore her feelings for" before we broke up, but she has found someone else. How does that happen? How do you go from making mix CDs of love songs and taking your fiancee out to anniversary dinners one month and then fall into bed with someone else the next??? Maybe I am having a harder time without because I am still living in "our house." Her stuff is still all around me. Kristen is still a part of me but I have been washed clean out of her life. I ask again, how does that happen?
I don't want her back. I am better off without her because I know that someday I will find a much deeper love. I do have faith that there is someone that will fit into my life better than she did. But right now, how do I stop grieving the loss of "my person," our family, and everything we had together? I feel like Kristen didn't even skip a beat. How do you do that? Seriously, I want the secret.
Anyway, now that I have written a long sob story. I guess I will go read a book and escape for a while. I am really sorry that most of my entries are depressing. Someday my life will be happy and exciting and hopefully you guys will still be around to hear about it. I hope you all have a great Monday!
Things are difficult because I am feeling pretty alone in the world. Before Kristen and I got together, my mom and I were very close. Whenever things got bad I leaned on her. It wasn't always a good thing because she is not all that great at being supportive, but I always felt close enough to her so that I never felt alone. Truthfully, I haven't had a really good, reliable friend in my life. Most of them were nice to my face but talked behind my back or fooled around with my brother (when he was in middle school) or stole my boyfriend. It has just always been me against the world with my mother to fall back on.
When Kristen and I got together she slowly became "my person." I could tell her anything, be myself in front of her, allow myself to be vulnerable. I had never had that before.
When I started going to counseling last spring, my counselor started talking to me about how I need to have better boundaries with my mother. Although my mom has always been there for me, she can also be one of the meanest people I know. My counselor felt that I needed to establish boundaries to avoid being hurt by her all the time. So, I did just that. I set up boundaries, made a point to tell her only things that would be non-controversial, and told her that there were some things in her life that I should not know (as her child). The boundaries have worked like a charm. My mother has been making me much less angry and hurt over the last 4-6 months and I feel like it was a great step toward growing up.
The downside... My mother was my fallback before Kristen. Now that I have set such clear boundaries and recognized the areas in which I should not trust my mother, it is impossible to go back. So, without my mother and Kristen, I am back to being alone in the world.
Kristen is dating again. I don't know if it is the girl that she "wanted to explore her feelings for" before we broke up, but she has found someone else. How does that happen? How do you go from making mix CDs of love songs and taking your fiancee out to anniversary dinners one month and then fall into bed with someone else the next??? Maybe I am having a harder time without because I am still living in "our house." Her stuff is still all around me. Kristen is still a part of me but I have been washed clean out of her life. I ask again, how does that happen?
I don't want her back. I am better off without her because I know that someday I will find a much deeper love. I do have faith that there is someone that will fit into my life better than she did. But right now, how do I stop grieving the loss of "my person," our family, and everything we had together? I feel like Kristen didn't even skip a beat. How do you do that? Seriously, I want the secret.
Anyway, now that I have written a long sob story. I guess I will go read a book and escape for a while. I am really sorry that most of my entries are depressing. Someday my life will be happy and exciting and hopefully you guys will still be around to hear about it. I hope you all have a great Monday!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Ethical dilemma???
SO, I posted this comment on facebook last night (after this situation happened):
"Funny story... I came down to CT to visit my aunt and uncle for the weekend. My aunt has been watching the news all day and totally forgot that I was coming. She also didn't mention it to my uncle. So, I came in at quarter of ten and they were already in bed. I went upstairs and started to get stuff out of my bag and I heard their bedroom door open so I went to the top of the stairs to say hi. Standing at the bottom of the stairs was my uncle IN THE NUDE with a gun in his hand. That's right folks, I almost met my maker with my uncle's naked body being the last sight I ever saw. Lucky for me, he recognized me and went to put a bathrobe on. He thought I was a burglar. Ha."
I had 31 friends "like" it, and 14 comments saying how funny it was. Then my aunt's friend called her and told her that I really should take that comment off facebook after what happened yesterday. I am deeply saddened by the horrible events that played out yesterday in Newtown, CT. It is so tragic and appalling and evil. My comment on facebook was in no way intended to make light of guns or anything like that. I was just conveying my thoughts on a relatively comical situation that had just taken place.
Anyway, my aunt passed the phone over to me so her friend could tell me her thoughts on why I should take the post down. I have known this lady for like 20 years (I see her a few times a year at parties and stuff). I see her point, but I am also very annoyed. I am 29 years old. I am not a child. If she did not like my post, then don't read it, or put a negative comment on there. I don't care... but I just feel like I was scolded. It has been SEVERAL years since I have felt scolded by an adult. So not cool. I ended up taking the comment down and unfriending her. I am all set with having her police my facebook page. So much for freedom of speech. :/
"Funny story... I came down to CT to visit my aunt and uncle for the weekend. My aunt has been watching the news all day and totally forgot that I was coming. She also didn't mention it to my uncle. So, I came in at quarter of ten and they were already in bed. I went upstairs and started to get stuff out of my bag and I heard their bedroom door open so I went to the top of the stairs to say hi. Standing at the bottom of the stairs was my uncle IN THE NUDE with a gun in his hand. That's right folks, I almost met my maker with my uncle's naked body being the last sight I ever saw. Lucky for me, he recognized me and went to put a bathrobe on. He thought I was a burglar. Ha."
I had 31 friends "like" it, and 14 comments saying how funny it was. Then my aunt's friend called her and told her that I really should take that comment off facebook after what happened yesterday. I am deeply saddened by the horrible events that played out yesterday in Newtown, CT. It is so tragic and appalling and evil. My comment on facebook was in no way intended to make light of guns or anything like that. I was just conveying my thoughts on a relatively comical situation that had just taken place.
Anyway, my aunt passed the phone over to me so her friend could tell me her thoughts on why I should take the post down. I have known this lady for like 20 years (I see her a few times a year at parties and stuff). I see her point, but I am also very annoyed. I am 29 years old. I am not a child. If she did not like my post, then don't read it, or put a negative comment on there. I don't care... but I just feel like I was scolded. It has been SEVERAL years since I have felt scolded by an adult. So not cool. I ended up taking the comment down and unfriending her. I am all set with having her police my facebook page. So much for freedom of speech. :/
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Intention without attachment
So I mentioned that I have been meditating. I was doing this "meditation challenge" with Deepak Chopra (who I love). Anyway, one of his big principles is the Law of Detachment. Basically, you should have intentions and work toward goals but you cannot have an attachment to the outcome. I had a lesson in this today. I found out that I am not eligible for financial aid at USM because I started a semester 11 years ago and then withdrew. Apparently it made me have poor academic standing and my 4.0 from the last two years of school and my membership in Phi Theta Kappa (honor society) don't count. The lady told me that I can appeal the decision but even if they approve it I will only be eligible for grants (no scholarships) and I will be on academic probation.
My lesson in attachment... I was almost sure that I was going to get a "free ride" to USM. I just assumed that a competitive school like UNE would give me much less than a state school. I was so wrong. Although my actions (11 years ago) are the cause of my crappy financial aid situation, I just don't feel like it is fair. I got really mad and started crying when I got off the phone. BUT THEN... I remembered that I shouldn't have gotten attached to the outcome. My desire is to go to school in the spring. I want to enjoy my education and get my Bachelor's degree, it really doesn't matter which school I go to. Sure, UNE is three times more expensive than USM but they also are a more competitive school. It will look better when I try to get into grad school and I think I will be challenged more academically if I am at UNE. Plus, I wanted to go to UNE; it was my first choice. The only reason that I was going to go to USM was to save money. Well, fuck money! I am going to my first choice school, I am going to enjoy every minute of it, and I am going to make a point to never complain about the six figure student loan debt I am going to accrue.
The other thing that has happened this week that was a lesson in "the universe" or God... I got a job! About a month ago I told my acupuncturist that I was going to be looking for a part time job once the day care closed. He said he would keep it in mind. Although I wasn't getting stressed (yet) about not having any job prospects, I knew that I had to get in gear pretty quickly to find something. I was dreading the application/interview process and I really didn't want most of the jobs that are typically part time gigs (retail, food service, etc.). On Saturday, my acupuncturist asked me what my school schedule is for the spring semester. I told him I didn't know yet. He then said to let him know once I get my schedule finalized because he wants to hire me. I am going to take care of his two children starting in January. He has a two year old and a four week old. I am so excited to be able to take care of two beautiful kids for a family that I really like and respect. The best part about it... I put my intentions out to the universe and got a job. I know that it will not always work like that, but I am really grateful that it worked that way this time.
Another thing that I figured out today is that I feel EXPONENTIALLY better when I do yoga. I was feeling ok after Kristen moved out. I was sad, but able to spend a lot of time feeling gratitude for what I do have. Three weeks ago I sprained my ankle and I have had a cold for the last two weeks. Having the physical ailments has prevented me from doing yoga and I have slowly begun feeling more sad. I finally was able to do a full hour of yoga today and I immediately felt better. It was like I just flipped a switch. Who knew that yoga could make that big of a difference for me? So, with this new knowledge, I am going to try to keep up with my yoga practice. Hopefully my ankle holds out.
Anyway, I hope that everyone had a good day. I am going to eat a tasty dinner and take Banjo for a walk. Good way to end my day off. :)
My lesson in attachment... I was almost sure that I was going to get a "free ride" to USM. I just assumed that a competitive school like UNE would give me much less than a state school. I was so wrong. Although my actions (11 years ago) are the cause of my crappy financial aid situation, I just don't feel like it is fair. I got really mad and started crying when I got off the phone. BUT THEN... I remembered that I shouldn't have gotten attached to the outcome. My desire is to go to school in the spring. I want to enjoy my education and get my Bachelor's degree, it really doesn't matter which school I go to. Sure, UNE is three times more expensive than USM but they also are a more competitive school. It will look better when I try to get into grad school and I think I will be challenged more academically if I am at UNE. Plus, I wanted to go to UNE; it was my first choice. The only reason that I was going to go to USM was to save money. Well, fuck money! I am going to my first choice school, I am going to enjoy every minute of it, and I am going to make a point to never complain about the six figure student loan debt I am going to accrue.
The other thing that has happened this week that was a lesson in "the universe" or God... I got a job! About a month ago I told my acupuncturist that I was going to be looking for a part time job once the day care closed. He said he would keep it in mind. Although I wasn't getting stressed (yet) about not having any job prospects, I knew that I had to get in gear pretty quickly to find something. I was dreading the application/interview process and I really didn't want most of the jobs that are typically part time gigs (retail, food service, etc.). On Saturday, my acupuncturist asked me what my school schedule is for the spring semester. I told him I didn't know yet. He then said to let him know once I get my schedule finalized because he wants to hire me. I am going to take care of his two children starting in January. He has a two year old and a four week old. I am so excited to be able to take care of two beautiful kids for a family that I really like and respect. The best part about it... I put my intentions out to the universe and got a job. I know that it will not always work like that, but I am really grateful that it worked that way this time.
Another thing that I figured out today is that I feel EXPONENTIALLY better when I do yoga. I was feeling ok after Kristen moved out. I was sad, but able to spend a lot of time feeling gratitude for what I do have. Three weeks ago I sprained my ankle and I have had a cold for the last two weeks. Having the physical ailments has prevented me from doing yoga and I have slowly begun feeling more sad. I finally was able to do a full hour of yoga today and I immediately felt better. It was like I just flipped a switch. Who knew that yoga could make that big of a difference for me? So, with this new knowledge, I am going to try to keep up with my yoga practice. Hopefully my ankle holds out.
Anyway, I hope that everyone had a good day. I am going to eat a tasty dinner and take Banjo for a walk. Good way to end my day off. :)
A quiet Thursday morning
I don't have any place I need to be until 1pm today. Banjo and I are sitting on the couch in front of the Christmas tree watching the news. I feel grateful that he is here and that I am in a warm apartment, but I am sad this week. Don't know if it is the upcoming holidays or what, but it is difficult not to feel kinda sad. I know that Kristen and I are better off as friends, but it doesn't change the fact that I have spent the last 4 years with her. I think the loss of the idea of "our family" is hard too. We had planned on having a beautiful child by now and it's really hard to think about the fact that it's just me. Banjo is here sometimes, but for the most part, it's just me against the world.
I e-mailed the day care parents last night to tell them that the day care will be closing in a month. I think that is contributing to my sadness. I have grown very close to the kids and their families and I feel like I am letting them down. I know that I need to do what is best for me and my future, but I wish that I didn't have to feel like I am hurting people in the process. I know that the kids will be ok and that they will probably never remember me or having to transition to a new day care. It is just sad.
In the process of switching schools, I am going to have to stop seeing my counselor. I started seeing her because I was the partner of a UNE student. Then, I enrolled at UNE so I could see her as a student. Now, I am neither going to be a student or the partner of a student. I know that I am probably going to be fine without her, but she has been a great resource over the last nine months. I feel like I have grown so much and I owe a lot of that to her help. It is going to be a weird transition without her.
Anyway, I am sorry that this is kind of a depressing post. I have tried very hard to remain optimistic throughout this break up but for now I think I just need to feel sad. I am sure the sadness will lift and new, greater happiness will present itself. I feel like I have been blessed in so many ways over the last year and I trust that things will be great!
On the positive side... I was accepted into the program to go build houses in Mexico for a week. I am really excited to be part of that. I have never been to Mexico that that will be cool but I am also really looking forward to helping others. I have greatly enjoyed volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I really love talking to other volunteers and the clients. I feel like I am doing something good for our community and meeting people that I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet.
For now, I am going to take Banjo to the dog park to meet one of our good friends. He is going to be so happy when he realizes that it isn't going to be just a boring morning. :) I hope everyone is having a great day!
I e-mailed the day care parents last night to tell them that the day care will be closing in a month. I think that is contributing to my sadness. I have grown very close to the kids and their families and I feel like I am letting them down. I know that I need to do what is best for me and my future, but I wish that I didn't have to feel like I am hurting people in the process. I know that the kids will be ok and that they will probably never remember me or having to transition to a new day care. It is just sad.
In the process of switching schools, I am going to have to stop seeing my counselor. I started seeing her because I was the partner of a UNE student. Then, I enrolled at UNE so I could see her as a student. Now, I am neither going to be a student or the partner of a student. I know that I am probably going to be fine without her, but she has been a great resource over the last nine months. I feel like I have grown so much and I owe a lot of that to her help. It is going to be a weird transition without her.
Anyway, I am sorry that this is kind of a depressing post. I have tried very hard to remain optimistic throughout this break up but for now I think I just need to feel sad. I am sure the sadness will lift and new, greater happiness will present itself. I feel like I have been blessed in so many ways over the last year and I trust that things will be great!
On the positive side... I was accepted into the program to go build houses in Mexico for a week. I am really excited to be part of that. I have never been to Mexico that that will be cool but I am also really looking forward to helping others. I have greatly enjoyed volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I really love talking to other volunteers and the clients. I feel like I am doing something good for our community and meeting people that I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet.
For now, I am going to take Banjo to the dog park to meet one of our good friends. He is going to be so happy when he realizes that it isn't going to be just a boring morning. :) I hope everyone is having a great day!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
A month later
It has been a month since Kristen and I split up. It feels like much longer than that. It feels like there has been closure and we are both doing ok separately. How did that happen in a month? I still have moments where I miss her presence. The first two weeks were weird because I kept subconsciously expecting to walk into a room and see her there. It was funny because for the first two weeks I only slept on my side of the bed. I would wake up in the morning and her side of the bed was untouched. Now, I wake up with all of the covers wrapped around me laying diagonally across the bed. My subconscious caught up to reality.
I think part of the success in feeling fairly peaceful in the face of a million changes is the fact that I have taken up meditation and trying on faith in "something." I have been going to church with my father which has been very valuable. I am not really a God person. I have come to realize that I have had a grudge against God since I was a child. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.
In the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (it may be too much info), but here is my issue with God... When I was four I was molested by my teenage cousin. As you can imagine, it really ripped my extended family apart. I feel incredibly grateful that my parents got me the counseling that I needed then (and several other times throughout my childhood) but it didn't change the fact that my family was in pieces. Anyway, my aunt (the mother of the molester) is a SUPER bible thumper and she used to say stuff about "God forgiving us for lying if we apologized to them" and made a point to say "God bless" to me anytime she happened to see me. Obviously, now I realize that God was not the problem, her pathology is the issue, but as a child I was unable to see that God wasn't part of the problem.
Fast forward to present day... I am trying to figure out where God may fit into my life. Do I believe that there is a God, like a single entity? I lean more toward the idea of "the universe," like we are all a part of the higher being. No matter how I see it, I am finding that going to church with my father is very beneficial. They are a pretty liberal church and the pastor is kind of kooky so it is enjoyable. On top of church on Sundays, I have applied to join a group of people going to Mexico for a week to help build houses. I am hoping that I am able to go as I think it would be an eye opening and mutually beneficial trip.
Anyway, I don't know if meditation, God, the universe, or just a readiness to move on is what is making this transition easier... but I am very grateful. I am looking forward to starting school in the spring and moving into a new apartment. For now, I am going to try to nurse the cold I have and try to get back into my daily yoga routine (after a sprained ankle two weeks ago that is still swollen). I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season!
I think part of the success in feeling fairly peaceful in the face of a million changes is the fact that I have taken up meditation and trying on faith in "something." I have been going to church with my father which has been very valuable. I am not really a God person. I have come to realize that I have had a grudge against God since I was a child. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.
In the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (it may be too much info), but here is my issue with God... When I was four I was molested by my teenage cousin. As you can imagine, it really ripped my extended family apart. I feel incredibly grateful that my parents got me the counseling that I needed then (and several other times throughout my childhood) but it didn't change the fact that my family was in pieces. Anyway, my aunt (the mother of the molester) is a SUPER bible thumper and she used to say stuff about "God forgiving us for lying if we apologized to them" and made a point to say "God bless" to me anytime she happened to see me. Obviously, now I realize that God was not the problem, her pathology is the issue, but as a child I was unable to see that God wasn't part of the problem.
Fast forward to present day... I am trying to figure out where God may fit into my life. Do I believe that there is a God, like a single entity? I lean more toward the idea of "the universe," like we are all a part of the higher being. No matter how I see it, I am finding that going to church with my father is very beneficial. They are a pretty liberal church and the pastor is kind of kooky so it is enjoyable. On top of church on Sundays, I have applied to join a group of people going to Mexico for a week to help build houses. I am hoping that I am able to go as I think it would be an eye opening and mutually beneficial trip.
Anyway, I don't know if meditation, God, the universe, or just a readiness to move on is what is making this transition easier... but I am very grateful. I am looking forward to starting school in the spring and moving into a new apartment. For now, I am going to try to nurse the cold I have and try to get back into my daily yoga routine (after a sprained ankle two weeks ago that is still swollen). I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)