Hard telling, not knowing

I know that I had posted last week to say that we were back on the TTC train.  Well, we fell off from it and the train behind it ran us over.  A little over a week ago Kristen said that she wasn't sure that she wanted "this" (our relationship) anymore.  She has said this before, but we have always talked through her feelings and moved on.  I feel that way once in a while too, but I always process it with my counselor and usually find that it is just me being fickle (one of my not so amazing traits).  Anyway,  this time Kristen and I are not doing well.  She can't decide if she wants to stay or go.  It is very difficult for me to try to give her the space to make that decision, but I know it is what needs to happen right now. 

Needless to say, I am devastated.  I go between not knowing how I am going to do life without her, to having hope for our relationship, to not wanting to stick around and wait for her to figure out what she wants.  I am not entirely sure that I know what I want... I just know that we have built a life together and I don't want to throw it away without trying, seriously trying, to fix what's broken.  I know that we will never go back to the relationship that we had (which is probably a good thing) but there is a part of me that feels like we can get to a better place.  I want to put the work in to make it there, but I am not sure that Kristen wants to. 

I know you all read this blog for TTC news, but unfortunately it doesn't look like that is going to be on my radar for a while.  We did have a vial arrive last week while the shit was hitting the fan.  I called our doctor and asked them to store it for us.  So, I have a vial ready and waiting, but I want to get through this first.  Get back to good, alone or together.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!  I am on my way to a childcare conference... should be interesting.
-Ashley