Where do we go from here?

...this isn't where we intended to be.  Kristen is moving out today.  Not taking everything, but enough so that she's gone.  I am not sure how to reconcile that in my head considering things felt ok two weeks ago.  I love her so much and I know that she loves me, but I guess this is just not where she wants to be.  Banjo is going with her which is good and bad.  The idea of being completely alone in our apartment is really sad, but I am not sure that I want him here right now. 

Last night I went to a Melissa Ferrick concert and saw some people that I know there.  It was nice to get out of the house.  And it was nice to dress up and feel pretty again.  The past few years have been such a roller-coaster that I kind of lost sight of the "pretty me."  I know that sounds strange, but when I am in crisis mode, buying cute clothes and straightening my hair doesn't top my list of priorities.  I know that probably contributed to the slow decline of Kristen and I, but who knows.  Anyway, it was really nice to go to the concert and get out of my head for a while. 

When I got home Kristen was coming in from work.  We talked and cried and laughed... it felt really good.  It was like we were back.  Then I asked her to stay in bed with me for the night because it was the last night.  She did.  I don't know if it was a good idea or bad idea, but it felt really good to have her cuddle me.  Safe.  I didn't want to fall asleep because I knew that in the morning it would all be over with.  I woke up at 5am with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I tried repeating an inspirational mantra over and over, tried watching TV, tried taking an anti-anxiety pill, took a bath... and here I am still crying.

I know this isn't supposed to be easy. The problem is that I have used every imaginable destructive coping mechanism that I could in the past.  You name it...  Now, I am finally in a place where I am emotionally healthier and all of the overeating, under-eating, excessive drinking, being promiscuous (the list goes on) has lost its appeal.  Now I just have to be in my feelings.  Sit there and feel sad.  How does one do that without feeling kinda crazy?

Kristen and I may go to couples counseling still to see if we are completely done.  I also feel like I need the closure here.  I don't know how to just turn and walk the other way without knowing that I have exhausted all of my options.  I don't know if Kristen wants to go to counseling though.  I think she is in a place where she either needs to decide to break a cycle or not.  And the work to stop that ball from spinning is never easy.

For now, I wait for relief.  I know that each day is going to feel different.  One day I will wake up and not feel sad anymore, but for now I am going to fight like hell to feel grateful for what I do have.  And for the person that I have become over the last four years with Kristen.  I have grown and changed and been afforded the opportunity to see life in a completely different way.  Kristen helped me through the loss of both of my grandmothers, my father's break down, my brother disowning our family (then re-owning), my parents separation, living with my mother, trying to get pregnant, my father's motorcycle accident, taking over my own business, having to quit school... It hasn't been an easy time and she probably should have run a long time ago.  (For the record, there was no drama in my family before we were together.  The shit hit the fan about six months after we started dating and the shit storm is just starting to feel like it is slowing down.)  I know that people come into your life for a reason and maybe this was what she was sent to do--make me stronger and help me through the tough times.  It's just hard to imagine her not being "my person."  My best friend.

Anyway, I have rambled on forever.  I am sure that no one wants to read about how sad I am and for that I am sorry.  I know this started out as a blog for support on TTC but it looks like it is going to be my journal instead (at least for now).  I keep wondering if people will get mad at me for changing it all up, but I really just need to write for me right now.  Thanks for sticking with me if you are reading this.  I hope you all have a great Sunday!
-Ashley