Yes, I know that I have been M.I.A. for a while. Not because I have been busy, rather because I have not been doing anything. With a semester off from school, things have been incredibly quiet for me... lazy really. For the first few weeks I was completely miserable. I haven't had this little to do in at least five or six years. Recently, I have gotten used to the quiet and have kind of started enjoying it. I have only been working like 28 hours a week and I have nothing else going on. At first I thought that I would have to take up a hobby or something, but being lazy has actually been a blessing! I think I needed it. I haven't been so relaxed in years!
The downside to being lazy... I find that the less I have to do, the less gets done. When I am extremely busy with work, school, etc. I always keep my house clean, stay super organized, and get lots of stuff done. Now that I am not busy, my house is not getting cleaned as much, my organization sucks, and I have accomplished very little (aside from watching multiple seasons of no less than three shows on Netflix). There are days that I feel guilty about taking some time off from being "out straight" but for the most part I am looking at this as some much needed rest and relaxation. I know life will resume its hectic pace in January, so there is no need to waste what little time I have feeling guilty!
Kristen started her internship this semester which has made her life super busy. She has 4 classes, an independent study class, 20 hour internship, 16 hours of work, and homework. She is working very hard and I hope that she feels like I am supporting her. I try not to complain about not seeing her or cleaning not getting done because I know that she is working her butt off. I thrive on being busy 12 or 14 hours a day, but Kristen is a little more laid back so I know that this is not ideal for her. I know that she will do very well though.
One thing that I have noticed popping up a lot more in my thoughts lately is TTC. Although the timing may not be perfect and our money is a little bit tight right now, I can't help but think that it would be a great time to try. Like I said, it has been at least five years since my life was this low stress so there is a very slim chance that I will find another period in the next five years with little to no stress. Kristen and I have talked about possibly trying in November, but we have to wait and see what the next few weeks bring financially. I think that if we do start trying again we will probably try every few months. That way it won't become our main focus. I have a really hard time putting all of my time and energy into something that doesn't work. Spreading out the tries will give me a little more time in between to get my mind off from it.
Kristen and I went out last night for our "anniversary do-over." It was a wonderful evening and I couldn't have asked for a better day with her. We relaxed, went for a walk in the woods with Banjo, and had a great dinner in Freeport. We decided to have a anniversary do-over because we ended up having an argument over dinner on our actual anniversary. It left us both feeling pretty sad and disappointed, so we tried again. The second try was much more successful!
Life is going well right now. I can't really complain about anything (aside from the fact that I need to do dishes more often). I am looking forward to the holidays and having the opportunity to start school in January. For now though, I am going to enjoy the lazy life!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Trying to move past it
Sorry to everyone that read my post yesterday. Total pity party. After I wrote that Kristen and I ended up getting in a huge fight and I left for a while and drove around. While I was gone I smoked almost a half pack of cigarettes and somehow, some of the hatred left me. Today, I am feeling a little better. I guess I just needed a day of absolute despair.
The only thing that is really still bothering me is that I am not sure how I can be nice to my employee at this point. I had suggested to her that the scheduled date of her surgery was not a great idea and that maybe she should wait until Thanksgiving or Christmas break. I know that no one wants to have surgery on your school break (especially a 20 year old) but sometimes that is what happens in the land of adults. Anyway, she decided to go ahead with her surgery and we all see how that turned out. I am pissed at her for costing me $3,000 for the classes that I already attended. I am pissed at her for ruining a WHOLE semester of school for me. I am pissed that she pushed my graduation date back by a semester. AND I am super pissed that she was able to make it to her classes yesterday while I was working on trying to fill out paperwork to drop all of mine. F*** her.
My mother told me that I should be completely honest with her about my feelings, but I also feel like some of this was out of her control. I mean, she didn't know that it would take her more than a week to recover from a tonsil surgery. Her surgery was nine days ago and she is still taking oxycodone, zofran (for the nausea), and only eating liquids. (Just for a reference point, when I had my tonsils out I went to a Deftones concert three days later.) I also feel like I need to cut her a little slack because she has two kids (a 2 1/2 year old with Autism and an 11 month old). She has no help with them at all so she has not been able to get enough rest while she is trying to recover. Now, I feel really bad for her, but the same respect, I feel like she should have planned ahead a little better. She could have scheduled surgery for December and spent the time in between saving some money to pay people to watch her kids (or send them to day care). I don't know... I guess what's done is done and no matter how pissed I am at her, it's not going to change the outcome.
Anyway, that is my grouchy rant for today. Improvement from yesterday but still not 100%. Hope everyone is having a good Thursday!
-Ashley
The only thing that is really still bothering me is that I am not sure how I can be nice to my employee at this point. I had suggested to her that the scheduled date of her surgery was not a great idea and that maybe she should wait until Thanksgiving or Christmas break. I know that no one wants to have surgery on your school break (especially a 20 year old) but sometimes that is what happens in the land of adults. Anyway, she decided to go ahead with her surgery and we all see how that turned out. I am pissed at her for costing me $3,000 for the classes that I already attended. I am pissed at her for ruining a WHOLE semester of school for me. I am pissed that she pushed my graduation date back by a semester. AND I am super pissed that she was able to make it to her classes yesterday while I was working on trying to fill out paperwork to drop all of mine. F*** her.
My mother told me that I should be completely honest with her about my feelings, but I also feel like some of this was out of her control. I mean, she didn't know that it would take her more than a week to recover from a tonsil surgery. Her surgery was nine days ago and she is still taking oxycodone, zofran (for the nausea), and only eating liquids. (Just for a reference point, when I had my tonsils out I went to a Deftones concert three days later.) I also feel like I need to cut her a little slack because she has two kids (a 2 1/2 year old with Autism and an 11 month old). She has no help with them at all so she has not been able to get enough rest while she is trying to recover. Now, I feel really bad for her, but the same respect, I feel like she should have planned ahead a little better. She could have scheduled surgery for December and spent the time in between saving some money to pay people to watch her kids (or send them to day care). I don't know... I guess what's done is done and no matter how pissed I am at her, it's not going to change the outcome.
Anyway, that is my grouchy rant for today. Improvement from yesterday but still not 100%. Hope everyone is having a good Thursday!
-Ashley
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Losing faith
Before you read any further, I want to give you a heads up that this is in no way a "feel good" post, nor is it going to talk about TTC. It is going to be a major downer and if you do not want your day ruined, you may want to hit your back button. That being said...
I am really having a hard time believing that there is anything that I can/will do in life that doesn't turn to shit. I work so damn hard at EVERYTHING and it seems that no matter what something (usually out of my control) fucks it up.
I started classes last week. It was so exciting to go to a new school (a competitive one at that). I was pretty nervous because two out of four of my classes are pretty difficult classes for me. So, I decided to get a jump start and spend 20 hours over the last five days (no exaggeration) reading ahead, brushing up on old math skills, and otherwise preparing myself for this new school adventure. Fast forward to Monday afternoon, I get a text from my day care employee saying that she will not be able to work on Tuesday (yesterday) because she still isn't feeling well enough (she had her tonsils out last Wednesday). I proceeded to call and text everyone I know that has the capability of filling in for me at the day care for a few hours.... guess what??? No one could do it. So I e-mailed my lab professor and asked if I could make up my lab later in the week, he said yes. Then I begged Nicole (my employee) to come in for two hours in the afternoon so that I could at least make it to one of my classes. She said yes and came in as planned. However, she looked like death, couldn't talk, hasn't eaten in days, and is stoned out of her mind on pain meds. At that point, I made the decision that she can't work until she is feeling better. Not only do I not want her around the kids/parents looking and feeling like that, but she shouldn't be driving if she can barely keep her eyes open.
Without Nicole (or anyone else to fill in) I had to make some tough choices. With no other feasible option, I decided that I will take a leave of absence from school until the spring. While this is the best option right now, it still sucks in the absolute worst way. After withdrawing I owe the school a little over $3,000 for the classes that I did attend (less than a week) and it has to be out of pocket because I get no financial aid until spring. Awesome.
I ended up spending all last night crying because I am so fed up with having to always put my stuff on hold. I am also sick and tired of feeling like NOTHING ever works out for me. I hit every fucking bump in the road. Once I finally fell asleep last night, Banjo woke us up every hour and a half to go out because he had diarrhea. Of course... I wouldn't expect any different in my life. I am so completely and utterly over it. This morning I woke up with the feeling that I just want to drive away. Just get in my car and drive as far away from my life as I possibly can. I know that it doesn't make sense, my horrible luck will follow me no matter where I go, but it was definitely the most pervasive feeling I had today.
I love Kristen. I want to allow her to support me right now, but I can't. I am so angry at the world that I cannot let her in. It hurts her that I feel that way, but I can't stop feeling like I want to scream at everyone and I am trying like hell not to be mean to her. However, I do know that I will eventually blow on someone and I already feel bad for them.
Anyway, I know that this does not sound like a big issue and it's not. It is just the "straw that breaks the camels back." I work my ass off every day of my life, try to be kind to others, pay my bills on time, let pedestrians cross in front of me, give money to some of the homeless guys at stop lights and you know what I get... SHITTY KARMA. If anyone knows how that shit works, please let me know cause I obviously missed something. My mother has always said "if something bad is going to happen, it will happen to Ashley." It is so true. I mean, I could make a list but no one wants me to go on forever about my life. Most days, I don't even think about the shit. Right now, all I see is the shit. My mom is trying to convince me to go on anti-depressants (because I got really sad starting... last night). Clinically, I am pretty sure that most doctors would say that wasn't how they are supposed to be used, but who knows, I'm no doctor!
Ok, I am going to be done now. I am hoping that no one is reading at this point because I feel like you should have jumped off this sinking ship a few paragraphs ago. I know that things will improve eventually (or at least that's what I always tell myself). I hope everyone is doing ok in blogland. I hope that someday I can rejoin the TTC crew.
I am really having a hard time believing that there is anything that I can/will do in life that doesn't turn to shit. I work so damn hard at EVERYTHING and it seems that no matter what something (usually out of my control) fucks it up.
I started classes last week. It was so exciting to go to a new school (a competitive one at that). I was pretty nervous because two out of four of my classes are pretty difficult classes for me. So, I decided to get a jump start and spend 20 hours over the last five days (no exaggeration) reading ahead, brushing up on old math skills, and otherwise preparing myself for this new school adventure. Fast forward to Monday afternoon, I get a text from my day care employee saying that she will not be able to work on Tuesday (yesterday) because she still isn't feeling well enough (she had her tonsils out last Wednesday). I proceeded to call and text everyone I know that has the capability of filling in for me at the day care for a few hours.... guess what??? No one could do it. So I e-mailed my lab professor and asked if I could make up my lab later in the week, he said yes. Then I begged Nicole (my employee) to come in for two hours in the afternoon so that I could at least make it to one of my classes. She said yes and came in as planned. However, she looked like death, couldn't talk, hasn't eaten in days, and is stoned out of her mind on pain meds. At that point, I made the decision that she can't work until she is feeling better. Not only do I not want her around the kids/parents looking and feeling like that, but she shouldn't be driving if she can barely keep her eyes open.
Without Nicole (or anyone else to fill in) I had to make some tough choices. With no other feasible option, I decided that I will take a leave of absence from school until the spring. While this is the best option right now, it still sucks in the absolute worst way. After withdrawing I owe the school a little over $3,000 for the classes that I did attend (less than a week) and it has to be out of pocket because I get no financial aid until spring. Awesome.
I ended up spending all last night crying because I am so fed up with having to always put my stuff on hold. I am also sick and tired of feeling like NOTHING ever works out for me. I hit every fucking bump in the road. Once I finally fell asleep last night, Banjo woke us up every hour and a half to go out because he had diarrhea. Of course... I wouldn't expect any different in my life. I am so completely and utterly over it. This morning I woke up with the feeling that I just want to drive away. Just get in my car and drive as far away from my life as I possibly can. I know that it doesn't make sense, my horrible luck will follow me no matter where I go, but it was definitely the most pervasive feeling I had today.
I love Kristen. I want to allow her to support me right now, but I can't. I am so angry at the world that I cannot let her in. It hurts her that I feel that way, but I can't stop feeling like I want to scream at everyone and I am trying like hell not to be mean to her. However, I do know that I will eventually blow on someone and I already feel bad for them.
Anyway, I know that this does not sound like a big issue and it's not. It is just the "straw that breaks the camels back." I work my ass off every day of my life, try to be kind to others, pay my bills on time, let pedestrians cross in front of me, give money to some of the homeless guys at stop lights and you know what I get... SHITTY KARMA. If anyone knows how that shit works, please let me know cause I obviously missed something. My mother has always said "if something bad is going to happen, it will happen to Ashley." It is so true. I mean, I could make a list but no one wants me to go on forever about my life. Most days, I don't even think about the shit. Right now, all I see is the shit. My mom is trying to convince me to go on anti-depressants (because I got really sad starting... last night). Clinically, I am pretty sure that most doctors would say that wasn't how they are supposed to be used, but who knows, I'm no doctor!
Ok, I am going to be done now. I am hoping that no one is reading at this point because I feel like you should have jumped off this sinking ship a few paragraphs ago. I know that things will improve eventually (or at least that's what I always tell myself). I hope everyone is doing ok in blogland. I hope that someday I can rejoin the TTC crew.
Monday, September 3, 2012
On the one hand...
baby-making isn't even on my radar.
But, on the other hand, I am so ready to have babies. :(
-K
But, on the other hand, I am so ready to have babies. :(
-K
Friday, August 10, 2012
Summer
What an amazing summer this has been! We have gone to four concerts; we saw Sugarland, Marcy Playground, Lit, Gin Blossoms, Sugar Ray, Everclear, Ingrid Michaelson, Andy Hall, and Brandi Carlile (we have a very eclectic taste in music ). We went camping once, hiking in Maine and in the Rocky Mountains. We spent nine days in Colorado (and I was ready to pack up and move there). Went for a bike ride with friends on Peak's Island (a neat island off the coast of Maine). We are going to a comedy show tonight, camping Sunday night, and whitewater rafting on Monday. I am sure there are things that I am forgetting, and more to come, but I have to say this has been an epic summer!
This morning I found out that I was accepted to University of New England as a Pre-Med major... yikes! I am so excited for the new challenge and that I got into the school of my choice, but I am SOOOO scared that I will not be able to handle the work on top of running/working at my own business. Truthfully, if it ends up being too much, I think I will give up the day care before I give up on school. I really want to be able to finish my Bachelor's and then hopefully go on to a Nurse Practitioner program, PA program, or med school. Not sure what direction I will end up going in, but for now, I am really excited to have the opportunity to go to UNE and hopefully ROCK THAT SHIT!!! (excuse the language... just had to say it!)
As for baby making... Kristen and I are still kind of hanging out waiting until the time feels right to jump back into trying. It is likely that we will try next cycle (beginning of September), but we aren't locking ourselves into anything. This month I started using one of those Clear Blue Easy Monitors that tracks your cycle. Great idea in theory, but I apparently didn't ovulate (according to that machine). I am going to do my normal test strips next month in addition to the monitor to see if that thing is just a piece of crap or not. I am a bit skeptical that I didn't ovulate considering I tracked my cycle for 14 months and had very regular ovulation and then month 1 with that machine I didn't ovulate... seems fishy!!! We still need to buy some sperm and the donor that we were using doesn't have any vials and may not be releasing any more. I am ok with using one of our 'back ups' but I guess we need to make a decision who the lucky bachelor will be!
Anyway, that is what is going on in my life. I hope everyone is doing well in the wonderful world of baby making! I will try to start writing more once we jump back on the insemination wagon. For now, enjoy your summer!
This morning I found out that I was accepted to University of New England as a Pre-Med major... yikes! I am so excited for the new challenge and that I got into the school of my choice, but I am SOOOO scared that I will not be able to handle the work on top of running/working at my own business. Truthfully, if it ends up being too much, I think I will give up the day care before I give up on school. I really want to be able to finish my Bachelor's and then hopefully go on to a Nurse Practitioner program, PA program, or med school. Not sure what direction I will end up going in, but for now, I am really excited to have the opportunity to go to UNE and hopefully ROCK THAT SHIT!!! (excuse the language... just had to say it!)
As for baby making... Kristen and I are still kind of hanging out waiting until the time feels right to jump back into trying. It is likely that we will try next cycle (beginning of September), but we aren't locking ourselves into anything. This month I started using one of those Clear Blue Easy Monitors that tracks your cycle. Great idea in theory, but I apparently didn't ovulate (according to that machine). I am going to do my normal test strips next month in addition to the monitor to see if that thing is just a piece of crap or not. I am a bit skeptical that I didn't ovulate considering I tracked my cycle for 14 months and had very regular ovulation and then month 1 with that machine I didn't ovulate... seems fishy!!! We still need to buy some sperm and the donor that we were using doesn't have any vials and may not be releasing any more. I am ok with using one of our 'back ups' but I guess we need to make a decision who the lucky bachelor will be!
Anyway, that is what is going on in my life. I hope everyone is doing well in the wonderful world of baby making! I will try to start writing more once we jump back on the insemination wagon. For now, enjoy your summer!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Disenchanted
It's been a while, I know. Sorry, friends, we're still on a break. Ashley and I have decided to let life feel good for a little while longer before jumping back into the game. I've been nervous since our first (7) attempts took so much out of us as a couple and me as an individual. Taking this time to take care of ourselves and plan our next course of action has really put things into perspective and I was pretty unhappy. Struggling to keep both mine and Ashley's attitudes as positive as possible was thoroughly exhausting.
It's been pointed out to us numerous times that it is very likely we've been receiving poor care--that there are fertility specialists/doctors who perform IUIs out there that are better and care more for their patients. I was under the impression that our doctor was just fine. From our experiences in her office, she seemed to genuinely care; however, IUI and fertility is not her specialty and I have to admit, now, that there were definitely some areas of improvement. Namely, not having multiple doctors perform our IUIs.
Oh, and also cluing us in on the CMV. To this date not one doctor has talked to us about the relevance of CMV status on each donor. It was not until hanging around with our friends and they happened to bring it up that we realized. What the hell? Someone, ANYONE, should have mentioned this before, during, or after any one of our IUIs. No one, not one person mentioned it.
A professor of mine mentioned during the last day of Spring semester that she was trying to get pregnant. It was a casual, brief thing she threw out as a reason for avoiding coffee. At that point, Ashley and I were still pretty deeply invested in trying to get pregnant (and I was, for a while, almost always on the verge of crying from all the frustration and disappointment). So, when she mentioned it, I sort of jumped on the opportunity to ask her how, how long, alone or with someone. I needed to know what her experience was to make me feel better about where I was. At that point she'd been trying for about 11 months. It's been roughly two months since that day. Today we met to discuss some possibilities brought up in class during summer semester that we may pursue. Just before wrapping up she asked if we were still trying. She is now beginning the process of looking for doctors and donors for IUI or IVF. I asked her if she'd had the CMV testing and she had.
Okay, so maybe the CMV test isn't all that important. I can only imagine that it plays a small role in this whole process of conception. But we were never told. We were never asked. I've been on the side of the doctors for most of this process, but I'm beginning to think Ashley was right to be so disappointed in the service we were given. Maybe she wasn't upset due specifically to the stress of trying to have a child.
When we decide to try again--which I'm leaving in the hands of Ashley to decide--I think we'll either be looking for a new doctor or giving at home IUI a try.
Until then,
Kristen
Monday, July 2, 2012
Hey? Hi. Hello.
Hi. I'm reluctantly writing because I haven't yet decided that I have anything worth saying on the topic of baby making. Ashley pretty much brought you guys up to date so that just leaves my feelings about the situation. How do I feel about it? I feel a little nervous about starting again here soon. It's been a nice few months off; nice to see Ashley let loose a little again; nice not to have baby making in the back of our minds while everything was blowing up here recently. We've held it together pretty well but I'm glad we weren't actively working toward a baby at the time.
Still, of course that's what I want. I'm just a little nervous now. It's as if I'm trying to decide to date the same person for a second time. They kinda maybe broke my heart a little the first time around and I'm planning a second go? Well, not that any of you care but I was always one for second chances. And unlike the terrible relationships of the past, this actually has a chance of working. :)
Anyhow... we're off to Colorado in a little over a week. Yeaaaaah! I can't wait to be away with Ashley in such a beautiful place.
Hope you all are doing well!
-Kristen
Still, of course that's what I want. I'm just a little nervous now. It's as if I'm trying to decide to date the same person for a second time. They kinda maybe broke my heart a little the first time around and I'm planning a second go? Well, not that any of you care but I was always one for second chances. And unlike the terrible relationships of the past, this actually has a chance of working. :)
Anyhow... we're off to Colorado in a little over a week. Yeaaaaah! I can't wait to be away with Ashley in such a beautiful place.
Hope you all are doing well!
-Kristen
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