Losing faith

Before you read any further, I want to give you a heads up that this is in no way a "feel good" post, nor is it going to talk about TTC.  It is going to be a major downer and if you do not want your day ruined, you may want to hit your back button.  That being said...

I am really having a hard time believing that there is anything that I can/will do in life that doesn't turn to shit.  I work so damn hard at EVERYTHING and it seems that no matter what something (usually out of my control) fucks it up.

I started classes last week.  It was so exciting to go to a new school (a competitive one at that).  I was pretty nervous because two out of four of my classes are pretty difficult classes for me.  So, I decided to get a jump start and spend 20 hours over the last five days (no exaggeration) reading ahead, brushing up on old math skills, and otherwise preparing myself for this new school adventure.  Fast forward to Monday afternoon, I get a text from my day care employee saying that she will not be able to work on Tuesday (yesterday) because she still isn't feeling well enough (she had her tonsils out last Wednesday).  I proceeded to call and text everyone I know that has the capability of filling in for me at the day care for a few hours.... guess what???  No one could do it.  So I e-mailed my lab professor and asked if I could make up my lab later in the week, he said yes.  Then I begged Nicole (my employee) to come in for two hours in the afternoon so that I could at least make it to one of my classes.  She said yes and came in as planned.  However, she looked like death, couldn't talk, hasn't eaten in days, and is stoned out of her mind on pain meds.  At that point, I made the decision that she can't work until she is feeling better.  Not only do I not want her around the kids/parents looking and feeling like that, but she shouldn't be driving if she can barely keep her eyes open.

Without Nicole (or anyone else to fill in) I had to make some tough choices.  With no other feasible option, I decided that I will take a leave of absence from school until the spring.  While this is the best option right now, it still sucks in the absolute worst way.  After withdrawing I owe the school a little over $3,000 for the classes that I did attend (less than a week) and it has to be out of pocket because I get no financial aid until spring.  Awesome.

I ended up spending all last night crying because I am so fed up with having to always put my stuff on hold.  I am also sick and tired of feeling like NOTHING ever works out for me.  I hit every fucking bump in the road.  Once I finally fell asleep last night, Banjo woke us up every hour and a half to go out because he had diarrhea.  Of course... I wouldn't expect any different in my life.  I am so completely and utterly over it.  This morning I woke up with the feeling that I just want to drive away.  Just get in my car and drive as far away from my life as I possibly can.  I know that it doesn't make sense, my horrible luck will follow me no matter where I go, but it was definitely the most pervasive feeling I had today. 

I love Kristen.  I want to allow her to support me right now, but I can't.  I am so angry at the world that I cannot let her in.  It hurts her that I feel that way, but I can't stop feeling like I want to scream at everyone and I am trying like hell not to be mean to her.  However, I do know that I will eventually blow on someone and I already feel bad for them.

Anyway, I know that this does not sound like a big issue and it's not.  It is just the "straw that breaks the camels back."  I work my ass off every day of my life, try to be kind to others, pay my bills on time, let pedestrians cross in front of me, give money to some of the homeless guys at stop lights and you  know what I get... SHITTY KARMA.  If anyone knows how that shit works, please let me know cause I obviously missed something.  My mother has always said "if something bad is going to happen, it will happen to Ashley."  It is so true.  I mean, I could make a list but no one wants me to go on forever about my life.  Most days, I don't even think about the shit.  Right now, all I see is the shit.  My mom is trying to convince me to go on anti-depressants (because I got really sad starting... last night).  Clinically, I am pretty sure that most doctors would say that wasn't how they are supposed to be used, but who knows, I'm no doctor!  

Ok, I am going to be done now.  I am hoping that no one is reading at this point because I feel like you should have jumped off this sinking ship a few paragraphs ago.  I know that things will improve eventually (or at least that's what I always tell myself).  I hope everyone is doing ok in blogland.  I hope that someday I can rejoin the TTC crew.