"Sometimes it's feast, others it's famine."

Right now I'd say I'm straddling the fence.  In my mind, Ashley and I are severely in debt--with our plans to move out of our apartment and into one that currently only exists theoretically, one we'll build at her parents house, then there's the baby making liquid we have to buy.  (Truth be told, if we could make babies the old fashioned way [and, yes, that is how I'd like to address that situation], I wouldn't mind if it took us several attempts before getting positive test, but at $500 a pop, I am praying for quick swimmers.)  In addition to all that, I've racked up a little credit card debit.  Typically, the credit cards I have will have a balance of a $100 or a little more.  Currently, it's more than $1,000.  That may not seem like much to most people, but I'm panicking.  And I can't say anything to Ashley because part of that balance includes her engagement ring I bought her a few weeks ago (and will be giving it to her tomorrow night).  Oh, oh... then there's school.  But I won't keep going down that road...

With all that "famine" going on in my head, I am nervous.  It's not constant but rather comes in waves.  Most days when Ashley says to me how she can't wait to have a baby, I smile and say that I can't either.  The there are other days when all I can think of is how we're going to pay for it and say, "Well, it's not time just yet."

About a month or so ago, before we had decided for sure to start trying to make a baby, we sat down to dinner with some of our friends.  Baby making has been a topic of normal conversation for us for a while and when it came up that night, our friend told us about a book called "Confessions of the Other Mother," a book that gives you an idea of how non-birth mothers feel about their children.  After hearing about it, I decided to buy it.  I'd been struggling with ideas myself of how I may feel and how I was feeling about the idea of having a child.  Don't get me wrong--I wanted it.  And still do.  But I was more practical about it and less excited.  Ashley even brought it up to me one day.  Crying, she told me that she wasn't sure if I wanted it like she did and that she didn't want to end up doing this without me.  It really hit home for me.

One story in "Confessions of the Other Mother" described a non-birth mothers experience trying to define her role as a parent and her struggle to accept herself as neither being a fatherly figure or a motherly figure but just a parent.  I find myself often asking what role I will play--will I be more motherly or fatherly.  At least with this book I am able to guide myself through the confusion and remind myself that regardless of traditional "roles" I will be a parent.  Just as I complement Ashley in our relationship, I will complement her in our journey as parents.


-Kristen

Ashley's opening statements.

First off, let me say that I am not really one for blogging.  I just always feel really strange about broadcasting my life for all to see.  However there is a part of me that wants to be able to share this journey into lesbian parenthood (and parenthood in general) with others.  I feel like if there were more “two mommy families” that people hear about on a day-to-day basis then we may eventually have a better shot at things like marriage or two mommies on a birth certificate… I know, I am dreaming big!

Anyway, Kristen gave you a pretty good idea about who we are.  I guess I am a bit of a type A personality, over-achiever.  That is why I am certain that my ovaries and uterus will out-perform many other women’s and I will get pregnant on the first shot… well, I wish that was the case anyway.  In reality I am concerned about what will happen if we cannot get pregnant right away.  The cost of each vial of donor sperm is more than either of us makes in a week which makes it a bit of a financial concern.  And that whole over-achiever thing gets in the way because I always feel like I have to be the best at everything… get it right the first time.  I suppose I have a fear of failing at getting pregnant.  That is a really hard realization to come to because it is one of those things in life that I have no control over.  Although, I have done my research and can tell you the lifespan versus travel time of thawed donor sperm, the timing of egg release in relation to the LH surge, and even tricks to thin your cervical mucus… I mean, if I can’t orchestrate exactly how this whole thing is going down, I sure as hell am gonna control the rest.

I guess the other big thing that is weighing on me right now is the donor sperm thing.  There is this whole unknown realm of baby daddy.  Like, if my child were to pass the donor on the street, would they feel some sort of connection?  It is also really strange to think that a child might have the same mannerisms or characteristics as their biological parent that you have never met.  And we spend all this time working on picking the “perfect” donor when in reality we are still playing the odds on whether we will get a healthy, well-balanced child.  Who knows… I guess I just have to trust that whatever is out there (God or otherwise) will guide me through this process.

- Ashley