Friday, May 13, 2011

"Sometimes it's feast, others it's famine."

Right now I'd say I'm straddling the fence.  In my mind, Ashley and I are severely in debt--with our plans to move out of our apartment and into one that currently only exists theoretically, one we'll build at her parents house, then there's the baby making liquid we have to buy.  (Truth be told, if we could make babies the old fashioned way [and, yes, that is how I'd like to address that situation], I wouldn't mind if it took us several attempts before getting positive test, but at $500 a pop, I am praying for quick swimmers.)  In addition to all that, I've racked up a little credit card debit.  Typically, the credit cards I have will have a balance of a $100 or a little more.  Currently, it's more than $1,000.  That may not seem like much to most people, but I'm panicking.  And I can't say anything to Ashley because part of that balance includes her engagement ring I bought her a few weeks ago (and will be giving it to her tomorrow night).  Oh, oh... then there's school.  But I won't keep going down that road...

With all that "famine" going on in my head, I am nervous.  It's not constant but rather comes in waves.  Most days when Ashley says to me how she can't wait to have a baby, I smile and say that I can't either.  The there are other days when all I can think of is how we're going to pay for it and say, "Well, it's not time just yet."

About a month or so ago, before we had decided for sure to start trying to make a baby, we sat down to dinner with some of our friends.  Baby making has been a topic of normal conversation for us for a while and when it came up that night, our friend told us about a book called "Confessions of the Other Mother," a book that gives you an idea of how non-birth mothers feel about their children.  After hearing about it, I decided to buy it.  I'd been struggling with ideas myself of how I may feel and how I was feeling about the idea of having a child.  Don't get me wrong--I wanted it.  And still do.  But I was more practical about it and less excited.  Ashley even brought it up to me one day.  Crying, she told me that she wasn't sure if I wanted it like she did and that she didn't want to end up doing this without me.  It really hit home for me.

One story in "Confessions of the Other Mother" described a non-birth mothers experience trying to define her role as a parent and her struggle to accept herself as neither being a fatherly figure or a motherly figure but just a parent.  I find myself often asking what role I will play--will I be more motherly or fatherly.  At least with this book I am able to guide myself through the confusion and remind myself that regardless of traditional "roles" I will be a parent.  Just as I complement Ashley in our relationship, I will complement her in our journey as parents.


-Kristen

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