Friday, May 24, 2013
Vial for sale
I have a vial of sperm that I want to get rid of. I bought it in October and it has been stored at my doctor's office. It is California Cryobank Donor #12403. I will sell it for a fraction of what I paid for it. If you know of anyone that may be interested, pass my info along to them. Thanks!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Just another Thursday....
I am doing nothing this afternoon. Not working is incredibly boring. I am not sure why everyone looks forward to retiring. I have several leads on jobs and will probably have more work than I want starting the beginning of June, but I am really bored right now.
I have spent quite a bit of time this week doing some research on schools. I am looking at a few down on Long Island. While I am terrified at the prospect of packing up my life to be with someone 6 hours away, it also feels right. She and I talk about all of this rationally and have plans for if it doesn't work. It's a weird relationship for me because I feel like I am totally wrapped up in "the new" typically. It's not like that with her. I don't know if it's because we live far apart so we process the shit out of everything or if it is just a much healthier relationship than I normally get myself into. It's really good though.
I went to my third crossfit class today. It was crazy hard. I felt like I was going to puke about half way through, but I finished anyway. It never sounds that hard when they are explaining it to you, but the reality of is kinda miserable. While I spend the entire workout cursing and saying I will never do it again, I leave feeling like I conquered the world. I understand why everyone says it's addicting. I am pretty sure I will not be able to move my arms tomorrow though!
Alright, I guess that is all from me today. I will write more soon.
I have spent quite a bit of time this week doing some research on schools. I am looking at a few down on Long Island. While I am terrified at the prospect of packing up my life to be with someone 6 hours away, it also feels right. She and I talk about all of this rationally and have plans for if it doesn't work. It's a weird relationship for me because I feel like I am totally wrapped up in "the new" typically. It's not like that with her. I don't know if it's because we live far apart so we process the shit out of everything or if it is just a much healthier relationship than I normally get myself into. It's really good though.
I went to my third crossfit class today. It was crazy hard. I felt like I was going to puke about half way through, but I finished anyway. It never sounds that hard when they are explaining it to you, but the reality of is kinda miserable. While I spend the entire workout cursing and saying I will never do it again, I leave feeling like I conquered the world. I understand why everyone says it's addicting. I am pretty sure I will not be able to move my arms tomorrow though!
Alright, I guess that is all from me today. I will write more soon.
Monday, May 20, 2013
New...
I am officially in a new relationship. She and I have been talking/seeing each other for a couple months and it is easy and fun and intense. She is beautiful and kind and funny. Here's the catch... she lives in New York. We have spent a few weekends together and talk every day, but I am worried about the distance. We talked about me moving down there (my life is more portable), but it's scary. How do you know if it is worth moving for without just taking the plunge? And would I hate living on Long Island?
Anyway, I really like her. She is working on finishing her personal training certification and interns at a crossfit place. She eventually wants to be a crossfit coach. It's pretty cool. After a year of my brother telling me that I should try crossfit and the fact that Traci is all about it, I decided I should give it a whirl. One word... torture! I went last Tuesday and my quads are still screaming! I am going to go again tomorrow morning with a friend of mine and hopefully I will not be quite as sore this week. I doubt it though! While it was really hard and it hurts like crazy, I felt a huge since of accomplishment when I made it through the workout. I feel like it is a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to accomplish.
Right now my work situation is dire. I have a nannying job that is typically one day a week, but will be 3 days a week in June. I am trying to find something else for the summer, but I am not sure what kind of job is best considering I have to go back to school in the fall. I have applied for a few more nanny jobs, so hopefully something works out. I am also having issues with trying to figure out student loans for the fall. UNE is ridiculously expensive and I don't have a cosigner for private student loans (Kristen's aunt used to cosign for them before). It has been incredibly stressful trying to figure out how to make it work, but maybe it's just not supposed to work. Maybe I need to find a new school or figure out a new plan. Who knows???
I just joined a church group that starts tomorrow night. The trip to Mexico really opened up my mind to the idea of religion. I ended up having a meeting with the pastor a couple weeks ago about his position on homosexuality. While he couldn't say it is totally ok, his best friend is gay and he feels like everyone deserves to be a part of his church. I can accept that. So, I am not entirely sure where Christianity fits into my life, I want to give it a chance. I know that there has to be something out there (possibly God) and I want to explore the possibilities. We'll see if this church group brings any clarity to me.
Anyway, that is pretty much what is going on in my life. Exciting new relationship, no work, sore quads, exploring theology, school issues... feels like a lot, but I am really hopeful right now. I have been able to be pretty optimistic about life for quite a while now, even when things are tough. I am really grateful for the life I have and for the amazing people in it.
Alright, I am off to have a coffee with a friend and then I am going to make myself run today, sore quads or not. Wish me luck!
Anyway, I really like her. She is working on finishing her personal training certification and interns at a crossfit place. She eventually wants to be a crossfit coach. It's pretty cool. After a year of my brother telling me that I should try crossfit and the fact that Traci is all about it, I decided I should give it a whirl. One word... torture! I went last Tuesday and my quads are still screaming! I am going to go again tomorrow morning with a friend of mine and hopefully I will not be quite as sore this week. I doubt it though! While it was really hard and it hurts like crazy, I felt a huge since of accomplishment when I made it through the workout. I feel like it is a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to accomplish.
Right now my work situation is dire. I have a nannying job that is typically one day a week, but will be 3 days a week in June. I am trying to find something else for the summer, but I am not sure what kind of job is best considering I have to go back to school in the fall. I have applied for a few more nanny jobs, so hopefully something works out. I am also having issues with trying to figure out student loans for the fall. UNE is ridiculously expensive and I don't have a cosigner for private student loans (Kristen's aunt used to cosign for them before). It has been incredibly stressful trying to figure out how to make it work, but maybe it's just not supposed to work. Maybe I need to find a new school or figure out a new plan. Who knows???
I just joined a church group that starts tomorrow night. The trip to Mexico really opened up my mind to the idea of religion. I ended up having a meeting with the pastor a couple weeks ago about his position on homosexuality. While he couldn't say it is totally ok, his best friend is gay and he feels like everyone deserves to be a part of his church. I can accept that. So, I am not entirely sure where Christianity fits into my life, I want to give it a chance. I know that there has to be something out there (possibly God) and I want to explore the possibilities. We'll see if this church group brings any clarity to me.
Anyway, that is pretty much what is going on in my life. Exciting new relationship, no work, sore quads, exploring theology, school issues... feels like a lot, but I am really hopeful right now. I have been able to be pretty optimistic about life for quite a while now, even when things are tough. I am really grateful for the life I have and for the amazing people in it.
Alright, I am off to have a coffee with a friend and then I am going to make myself run today, sore quads or not. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Photos from Mexico!!!
Lots of thinking
This week has been filled with racing thoughts. What if I was to leave school and go down to Juarez? I know it seems pretty dumb to even thing about, but what is the importance of a degree if my heart is going to be elsewhere? I am drawn there; like I finally found my purpose. I have always wanted to do some kind of service work (PeaceCorps, etc.) but haven't had the opportunity yet. Now that the opportunity has presented itself, do I walk away and hope that another chance arises?
Before we left for the trip the group leader told us that no one will understand the experience unless they have lived it. It is so true. This week has been incredibly rough trying to explain a spiritual, emotional, and physical experience that many Americans will never have. One of the Casas por Cristo volunteers explained it very well when he described the feeling of "being more alive than ever before." But again, if you haven't walked in those shoes, you can't imagine the humility, inspiration, joy, and devastation that the week brought. I don't know if everyone in the group experienced it, but I know that this was a life changing experience.
Right now, I feel like everyone is thinking I am a total flake... maybe I am. Maybe I will continue walking through my life uncertain of my next step or next destination. But what is wrong with that? We all go about the motions of school, work, retire, die... is that what it's about? Maybe being a flake is right where I need to be. Maybe I need to see the world, experience everything there is out there, try every occupation possible. Who knows??? What I do know is that my heart is in Juarez. I feel like I left my home behind. Totally crazy considering I was only there for a week, I don't speak the language, and I am a big lesbian. (Not a super open place for gays.) I have more thinking to do; more soul searching. Hopefully I can find a way to follow my heart. Although it is flakey, I want nothing more from life than to be a blessing to others and feel at peace with myself.
Well, there is a stream of consciousness blog post for you! I hope you and your families are well! Happy Wednesday! :)
Before we left for the trip the group leader told us that no one will understand the experience unless they have lived it. It is so true. This week has been incredibly rough trying to explain a spiritual, emotional, and physical experience that many Americans will never have. One of the Casas por Cristo volunteers explained it very well when he described the feeling of "being more alive than ever before." But again, if you haven't walked in those shoes, you can't imagine the humility, inspiration, joy, and devastation that the week brought. I don't know if everyone in the group experienced it, but I know that this was a life changing experience.
Right now, I feel like everyone is thinking I am a total flake... maybe I am. Maybe I will continue walking through my life uncertain of my next step or next destination. But what is wrong with that? We all go about the motions of school, work, retire, die... is that what it's about? Maybe being a flake is right where I need to be. Maybe I need to see the world, experience everything there is out there, try every occupation possible. Who knows??? What I do know is that my heart is in Juarez. I feel like I left my home behind. Totally crazy considering I was only there for a week, I don't speak the language, and I am a big lesbian. (Not a super open place for gays.) I have more thinking to do; more soul searching. Hopefully I can find a way to follow my heart. Although it is flakey, I want nothing more from life than to be a blessing to others and feel at peace with myself.
Well, there is a stream of consciousness blog post for you! I hope you and your families are well! Happy Wednesday! :)
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Mexico
I just got back from Mexico last night. I went to Juarez on a short term missions trip with a church that my father belongs to. We went with an organization called Casas Por Cristo to build three houses for families in need. Then once the houses were complete, we spent two days at orphanages in the city.
It seems like I have been gone forever, but it also feels like it went by really fast. The trip was humbling in so many ways. We spent the first three days building our houses and the last two days at an orphanage playing with children and doing some painting for them. It was an amazing experience. The director of the orphanage asked me if I would like to come down to volunteer there for the summer. I am very torn. While my heart is there, I am worried that I will not want to come back. I want to finish school, but also feel like maybe there are other things that are more important in life. I am not sure where to go from here.
I have always had a really hard time with the whole God thing. Not that I don't believe that there is "something" but I just don't know if the God of the bible exists. Whatever God there is, he was present this week. And our team motto turned into "we are right where God wants us to be," which took on several meanings throughout the week.
It was amazing to see how kind, generous, and humble the people in Juarez are. Despite the fact that they live in complete poverty, they share everything they have and always greet you with a smile. It was eye opening to see the difference between the US and there. Americans have everything, every opportunity and yet we still complain and are unhappy. It brings about all kinds of guilty feelings.
Anyway, I am sure that I will have the chance to share more with you as time goes on, but right now (as you can tell) my brain is still processing all of it. It was an amazing experience and I hope that I have the opportunity to go back very soon. I feel drawn to that city and its people.
One of the team leaders wrote this in the church blog and I think it was an extremely important part of our experience. When we were driving along this stretch of highway, the van with 14 people in it fell completely silent. There is no way to reconcile the poverty on the right with the overindulgence on the left. Steph said, "as we drove into El Paso the highway ran along the border between the United States and Mexico for several minutes. To the left were the suburbs of El Paso, and to the right, on the other side of the border fence, was Juarez. The difference is as stark as the line on a dirty windshield where the wipers won’t reach. To compare the multimillion dollar houses with the 11 foot by 20 foot home we had just built, a home that could be duplicated for dozens of mexican families with the money that it cost to build one of those Texas homes, was like a fist in my chest. I can’t imagine what it must be like to live on the lower side of the fence and look up at the wealth above any more than I can imagine looking down at the scattered shacks and huts that serve as houses from my thousand dollar couch in my million dollar home."
I know that this is pretty scattered, but I wanted to get some of these thoughts down while they are fresh. I will try to write more soon and fill in details. I hope you are all doing well in blogland!
-Ashley
It seems like I have been gone forever, but it also feels like it went by really fast. The trip was humbling in so many ways. We spent the first three days building our houses and the last two days at an orphanage playing with children and doing some painting for them. It was an amazing experience. The director of the orphanage asked me if I would like to come down to volunteer there for the summer. I am very torn. While my heart is there, I am worried that I will not want to come back. I want to finish school, but also feel like maybe there are other things that are more important in life. I am not sure where to go from here.
I have always had a really hard time with the whole God thing. Not that I don't believe that there is "something" but I just don't know if the God of the bible exists. Whatever God there is, he was present this week. And our team motto turned into "we are right where God wants us to be," which took on several meanings throughout the week.
It was amazing to see how kind, generous, and humble the people in Juarez are. Despite the fact that they live in complete poverty, they share everything they have and always greet you with a smile. It was eye opening to see the difference between the US and there. Americans have everything, every opportunity and yet we still complain and are unhappy. It brings about all kinds of guilty feelings.
Anyway, I am sure that I will have the chance to share more with you as time goes on, but right now (as you can tell) my brain is still processing all of it. It was an amazing experience and I hope that I have the opportunity to go back very soon. I feel drawn to that city and its people.
One of the team leaders wrote this in the church blog and I think it was an extremely important part of our experience. When we were driving along this stretch of highway, the van with 14 people in it fell completely silent. There is no way to reconcile the poverty on the right with the overindulgence on the left. Steph said, "as we drove into El Paso the highway ran along the border between the United States and Mexico for several minutes. To the left were the suburbs of El Paso, and to the right, on the other side of the border fence, was Juarez. The difference is as stark as the line on a dirty windshield where the wipers won’t reach. To compare the multimillion dollar houses with the 11 foot by 20 foot home we had just built, a home that could be duplicated for dozens of mexican families with the money that it cost to build one of those Texas homes, was like a fist in my chest. I can’t imagine what it must be like to live on the lower side of the fence and look up at the wealth above any more than I can imagine looking down at the scattered shacks and huts that serve as houses from my thousand dollar couch in my million dollar home."
I know that this is pretty scattered, but I wanted to get some of these thoughts down while they are fresh. I will try to write more soon and fill in details. I hope you are all doing well in blogland!
-Ashley
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Quick update
SO, after a second and third opinion (and another test), the previous diagnosis has been deemed incorrect. Major win for me! I am perfectly healthy, so when the time is right, I will get pregnant without any preconceived ideas about the horrible things that I am passing on to my baby. I can breathe again.
I started school five weeks ago and it is going great! It is a lot of work, but I suppose that pre-med students should be working hard. I have an A average in all of my classes right now (even precalculus and mollecular bio). I am feeling really good about that! I may not end up with A's at the end of the semester, but it is nice to start out strong. Also, all of the cool stuff I am learning is just amazing. I am totally in heaven!
I am dating someone that is pretty special. I don't have time to go into a lot of detail, but the long and short of it... she is kind, intelligent, funny, generous, and ridiculously beautiful! We are taking the dating thing really slow which is nice. Not my typical M.O. (or the typical lesbian M.O.) but it has been great!
Anyway, I will write more soon. Just thought I would give you all a HAPPY update for once. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! :)
I started school five weeks ago and it is going great! It is a lot of work, but I suppose that pre-med students should be working hard. I have an A average in all of my classes right now (even precalculus and mollecular bio). I am feeling really good about that! I may not end up with A's at the end of the semester, but it is nice to start out strong. Also, all of the cool stuff I am learning is just amazing. I am totally in heaven!
I am dating someone that is pretty special. I don't have time to go into a lot of detail, but the long and short of it... she is kind, intelligent, funny, generous, and ridiculously beautiful! We are taking the dating thing really slow which is nice. Not my typical M.O. (or the typical lesbian M.O.) but it has been great!
Anyway, I will write more soon. Just thought I would give you all a HAPPY update for once. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! :)
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Trying
I am trying really hard to keep swimming. I am so excited about school and all of the new prospects in my life, but sometimes it is just really hard to keep my head above water.
A couple weeks ago, a medical condition that may be an issue for me was brought to my attention. It is kind of a long story, but basically, after tests and going to a specialist on Wednesday the diagnosis was confirmed. After the appointment I was due to go to counseling (really good thing because I was devastated). On my way to counseling I cried the whole way. I am so worried about what this diagnosis means for several aspects of my life.
Anyway, once I got to counseling, I was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine when someone came out of one of the counselors offices. I looked up to see if it was my counselor, but instead, it was Kristen's new girlfriend. I have dreaded the day when I run into her. Although I know that Kristen and I had issues long before she came along, Arianne was pre-picked to be the next girlfriend before Kristen ever left. I had envisioned the run in to be more like... I look great, I am confident, and I tell her that I don't respect the way things worked, but I hope you guys are happy and have a wonderful future together. Take the high road while looking and feeling fabulous. Instead, I had been crying for an hour straight, with make-up under my eyes, feeling vulnerable and unable to ever muster the courage to look at her for more than a brief second. I probably looked like a complete loser. So, that was a really awesome experience that I hope none of you ever have the misfortune to experience.
Back to the diagnosis... I have been dealing the ideas of how this is going to impact my life going forward. It is hereditary (although we haven't pinpointed where it came from for me). This morning, for the first time, I realized that IT'S HEREDITARY which means that I can pass this along to my children. Seriously? All I have ever wanted from my life is to be a mother, to feel a baby moving inside me, to experience the whole process. So now I have to really contemplate the choice of bringing a child into this world that may or may not have a health problem that they will struggle with their entire life. How do I justify that? I want to give my child the best chances at being successful, healthy, and happy... my genetic material may not be capable of giving them those things. What a fucking realization.
I know that my blog sucks. I know that I am a huge downer. I am just wondering when the shit is going to stop hitting the fan. I try like hell to see the silver lining, but really, some days it's fucking hard. Eventually, this will blow over and I will learn to live with this diagnosis. And maybe when I meet a new, amazing partner they will have better genetics and be able to provide me with the family that I want someday. For now, it's pretty hard to see that anything but the hard stuff.
I am sorry that it seems that I only write when things suck. I will try to be better about writing when good stuff happens too. I hope that you are all having a wonderful winter and that your families are happy and healthy.
A couple weeks ago, a medical condition that may be an issue for me was brought to my attention. It is kind of a long story, but basically, after tests and going to a specialist on Wednesday the diagnosis was confirmed. After the appointment I was due to go to counseling (really good thing because I was devastated). On my way to counseling I cried the whole way. I am so worried about what this diagnosis means for several aspects of my life.
Anyway, once I got to counseling, I was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine when someone came out of one of the counselors offices. I looked up to see if it was my counselor, but instead, it was Kristen's new girlfriend. I have dreaded the day when I run into her. Although I know that Kristen and I had issues long before she came along, Arianne was pre-picked to be the next girlfriend before Kristen ever left. I had envisioned the run in to be more like... I look great, I am confident, and I tell her that I don't respect the way things worked, but I hope you guys are happy and have a wonderful future together. Take the high road while looking and feeling fabulous. Instead, I had been crying for an hour straight, with make-up under my eyes, feeling vulnerable and unable to ever muster the courage to look at her for more than a brief second. I probably looked like a complete loser. So, that was a really awesome experience that I hope none of you ever have the misfortune to experience.
Back to the diagnosis... I have been dealing the ideas of how this is going to impact my life going forward. It is hereditary (although we haven't pinpointed where it came from for me). This morning, for the first time, I realized that IT'S HEREDITARY which means that I can pass this along to my children. Seriously? All I have ever wanted from my life is to be a mother, to feel a baby moving inside me, to experience the whole process. So now I have to really contemplate the choice of bringing a child into this world that may or may not have a health problem that they will struggle with their entire life. How do I justify that? I want to give my child the best chances at being successful, healthy, and happy... my genetic material may not be capable of giving them those things. What a fucking realization.
I know that my blog sucks. I know that I am a huge downer. I am just wondering when the shit is going to stop hitting the fan. I try like hell to see the silver lining, but really, some days it's fucking hard. Eventually, this will blow over and I will learn to live with this diagnosis. And maybe when I meet a new, amazing partner they will have better genetics and be able to provide me with the family that I want someday. For now, it's pretty hard to see that anything but the hard stuff.
I am sorry that it seems that I only write when things suck. I will try to be better about writing when good stuff happens too. I hope that you are all having a wonderful winter and that your families are happy and healthy.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Still here
I haven't written in a while. There isn't a whole lot going on, although it feels like it has been crazy. I have spent a lot of time trying to reconnect with old friends and build new friendships. It has always been tough for me to try to make new friends, but I am working really hard at it.
The day care closed yesterday which is pretty heart wrenching. I have become so attached to the babies over the last few years. It is going to be difficult not to see them every day. I have a few babies that I will babysit for once in a while, but for the most part I won't see them much. It is also difficult because I closed the day care after fifteen years in operation. My mother worked very hard to build that business and has helped to raise well over 100 children. It is sad to see the end of an era.
Classes begin for me on Thursday. I am starting to freak out a little, but I am also really excited. I bought my books about a month ago and I have everything all ready to go. My biggest source of stress is precalculus. I am horrible at math so I am dreading taking precalc and calculus. Hopefully, I surprise myself and do really well. I will keep my fingers crossed.
I recently started dating. It is kind of weird, but I figure that it is probably time. Kristen is "facebook official" with her new girl, so I should at least open my eyes to new possibilities (not that her status changes my dating intentions). I have been on dates with three people and it is kind of a confusing process. One girl has no sense of humor, one seems too intense, and the third is pretty awesome. The girl that I liked and I have been talking a lot since our last date and I am hopeful that we will continue to have fun together. It's really strange though because I am very cautious. Something about this process is completely terrifying to me. Haven't pinpointed what is scaring me, but I am sure I will figure it out. It may just be the fact that I have been with Kristen for four years and I am not used to thinking about myself as single.
Anyway, let's just hope that I continue to enjoy dating girl #3 and maybe something will come of it. She is a pretty amazing person. It's funny though because she is someone that I wouldn't necessarily have dated a few years ago. She is incredibly bright, successful, sarcastic, and challenges me intellectually. She is daring and loves to travel. I hope that things work out. If not, I am getting a better idea of what I am looking for.
I have been asked several times recently if I will start dating men again. Even some of my good friends have asked. I don't feel like that is a possibility for me now. I have become so comfortable and happy with my life. I love women and I am not sure that I would be able to find the same happiness with a man.
Ok... so that is a snippet of what is going on in my life at the moment. Hopefully the next time I write I can tell you all that precalculus is super easy!!! I hope all is well with everyone in blogland!
-Ashley
The day care closed yesterday which is pretty heart wrenching. I have become so attached to the babies over the last few years. It is going to be difficult not to see them every day. I have a few babies that I will babysit for once in a while, but for the most part I won't see them much. It is also difficult because I closed the day care after fifteen years in operation. My mother worked very hard to build that business and has helped to raise well over 100 children. It is sad to see the end of an era.
Classes begin for me on Thursday. I am starting to freak out a little, but I am also really excited. I bought my books about a month ago and I have everything all ready to go. My biggest source of stress is precalculus. I am horrible at math so I am dreading taking precalc and calculus. Hopefully, I surprise myself and do really well. I will keep my fingers crossed.
I recently started dating. It is kind of weird, but I figure that it is probably time. Kristen is "facebook official" with her new girl, so I should at least open my eyes to new possibilities (not that her status changes my dating intentions). I have been on dates with three people and it is kind of a confusing process. One girl has no sense of humor, one seems too intense, and the third is pretty awesome. The girl that I liked and I have been talking a lot since our last date and I am hopeful that we will continue to have fun together. It's really strange though because I am very cautious. Something about this process is completely terrifying to me. Haven't pinpointed what is scaring me, but I am sure I will figure it out. It may just be the fact that I have been with Kristen for four years and I am not used to thinking about myself as single.
Anyway, let's just hope that I continue to enjoy dating girl #3 and maybe something will come of it. She is a pretty amazing person. It's funny though because she is someone that I wouldn't necessarily have dated a few years ago. She is incredibly bright, successful, sarcastic, and challenges me intellectually. She is daring and loves to travel. I hope that things work out. If not, I am getting a better idea of what I am looking for.
I have been asked several times recently if I will start dating men again. Even some of my good friends have asked. I don't feel like that is a possibility for me now. I have become so comfortable and happy with my life. I love women and I am not sure that I would be able to find the same happiness with a man.
Ok... so that is a snippet of what is going on in my life at the moment. Hopefully the next time I write I can tell you all that precalculus is super easy!!! I hope all is well with everyone in blogland!
-Ashley
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