A rainy Monday morn'

I've been waiting for our chance to write our announcement to the blog world.  The "We finally got a positive!" but, alas, I have to continue to wait.

Ashley has done very well this time around with handling the disappointment.  I'm not sure what has really aided her in that, if it's been putting away her charts and thermometer or if it's just been time.  This whole process really leaves you beaten, bruised, and just damn exhausted after a while.

This past try was our 7th.  Our 4th IUI, but our 7th try overall.  I downplay the significance of the inseminations done at home when talking to others or even when Ashley and I discuss what our next move should be.  I downplay it because there was such a small chance, it always felt like a shot in the dark anyway.  But now that the stress is off (a little) I realize that while those three months of ICIs weren't full of high percentage points, we did invest a lot of hope in them, and Ashley, especially, invested a lot of time, energy, and a little bit of her own self.  I tried to build her up by talking down those three months, but I'm finally seeing that what I was doing was downplaying her struggle.  This, of course, is more important for me to realize than anyone out there in blogland, because a part of me knew this all along.  But there was this other part, the part that said we can't move forward until we have x amount of IUIs ... therefore, logically, the ICIs simply do not count.

Logic doesn't win you brownie points, ladies...

My friend Gabe and his wife just had their first baby earlier this month.  It was a struggle for them, too, as Gabe has transitioned from female to male and his wife spent years trying to get pregnant before they were finally hit the mark with IVF.  I'm so happy for them and know that they will be great parents.  I am also hoping that their struggle is not what Ashley and I have as our future.  Some folks can handle long-term disappointment with stride and, well, I suppose we can too, if we had to.  That's not to say we wouldn't try again at some point, but years of trying?  Maybe Ashley is stronger than I am and maybe all you ladies out there who tried and tried and tried are stronger than I am.  Or maybe I'm just worried.  Maybe I am stronger than I think I am.  But when I think that we've already been in this for 7 tries ... I panic.

Of course, I want nothing more than to continue and hold Ashley's hand along the way until we get a positive.  That's really the bottom line, however, I'm tired and Ashley's tired and WE are tired of being tired.  Last month's break really helped to rejuvenate us and this month's disappointment hasn't hit me very hard.  I was hoping for the best but expecting not to be woken up with happy laughter.  So we're taking another break.  At least a month to regain funds and regain ourselves.

The above sounds so negative but I hope that is not what is taken from this post.  Sometimes it is just important to gather your strength and your energy before you try again.  Our 8th, 9th, or 10th try just might be it and I wanna be ready for it.

In the meantime I'll be thinking of you all and hoping for healthy, happy babies and smooth pregnancies!

Until next time,
-K