So, as Kristen said, we are not pregnant. No surprise. I pretty much never got hopeful or believed that this was our month. I think I got over optimism months ago. Moved passed cautious optimism last month. Now, it is pessimism that fills me. I don't really believe that it is going to happen. I know that sounds really messed up, but for some reason, I just can't bring myself to feel at all hopeful. I try to say the right things, "I know it will happen soon" or "it's just a matter of time," but I don't think I believe it.
I know that there are thousands (maybe even millions) of people out there that have struggled with this process for much longer than we have, but that doesn't change the fact that it is a struggle. I started tracking my cycle and preparing for pregnancy over a year ago now and I have nothing to show for it except an extra 50 pounds that is NOT baby weight or a postpartum belly. I am just fat and sad.
I think that the hardest part for me to wrap my brain around is that there is nothing wrong with me reproductively. Everything is perfect. My cycles are the same every month, my blood work is on target, I eat organically, I avoid EVERYTHING toxic (except alcohol and a cigarette on occasion)... yet I am still not pregnant. I know that this has been a stressful year with a lot of changes (parents' separation, two moves, and upcoming day care purchase) but people under a lot more stress than me get pregnant every day. Blah, blah, blah.
I never really talked about trying to get pregnant this month with anyone. I didn't tell my parents or anyone at work. Kristen told a few friends but other than that, it was kept pretty quiet. I kind of feel like I should just (as Dr. Phil's dad says), "take a good opportunity to just shut up." I feel like no one wants to hear it. I don't know if that is true or just that I don't want to hear their responses "I have a good feeling about this time" or "I am sure this is your month." It almost feels like they are lying to me. I know they aren't saying anything to hurt me, they are just expressing their support but it no longer feels supportive. More patronizing than anything. Anyway, I think another reason I keep everything to myself is because then I won't feel compelled to tell people it didn't work which keeps me from becoming an emotional wreck over and over again. Oh well.
I am sorry to everyone that read this. I feel like I am the biggest Debbie Downer in the world right now. I have been keeping it to myself (even from Kristen) because I feel like no one wants to hear it anymore (including Kristen). So, there go the flood gates. I hope I didn't scare you all off. Anyway, I hope you are enjoying this beautiful Tuesday. And thank you for your support through this process.
-Ashley
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteCrissy has mentioned that both her and I watch you blog in hopes that THIS month will be your month. And yes that is true, but I also hope each month you are going to have multiple mature follicles (18-21mm) I can't help when I see you have 1 follicle and go DAMNIT what is wrong with their RE/OB why are they not telling them that why YES it does only take one egg and one sperm - when your paying 1000 of dollars each month they need the best chances they can get and one damn follicle isn't it. Now I'm not saying take a bunch of drugs or go against the protocols of your Dr's but at some point you girls have to be asking yourself why in the hell does my body only produce one egg when I read all these forums of women who get 5-8 follicles each month. I know you know our story and you know that I tested "normal" for everything but regardless of what I did (including enough IVF drugs to produce 20 eggs) my body never would realize more than 2 eggs. And I'm not telling you to switch what I am telling you is I think it's time you started talking to other gay couples, other people like you that are spending 1000 each month and don't want to keep trying forever I think it's time you ladies researched what drugs do what and if that is the most cost effective route for you. In fertility land when I read one mature follicle I think cancel this cycle and save the sperm. Maybe you have given up hope because you don't think anyone is on your side- well Crissy and I are on your side that's why it makes me angry when I don't think people have your best interest and money at heart. The goal is to get pregnant not spend 10000 of dollars and feel hopeless every month. I hope this post makes you a little angry- gives you enough energy to fight for what you deserve a well timed cycle with at least 2 mature follicles.
Although I see your point, I have a hard time believing that two doctors from two clinics are completely wrong about our situation. I have researched the meds and truthfully, I don't think that taking ANYTHING is right for me. There is nothing wrong with my body and taking medicines that are UNNECESSARY is completely against everything I believe in. I don't think that taking more is the answer.
ReplyDeleteI know that you are just trying to help, but I feel really bruised and battered this month and trying to figure out where we went wrong doesn't really help. I will question the doctors when I go back, but it probably won't be until late summer.
I'm sorry to read this. You're right, the euphemisms become stale after a while, no matter how genuine or well-meaning. Hopeful that you take care of yourselves.
ReplyDeleteit sucks to have people always looking at you and wondering if it worked or not. And i think that in some ways it is harder to face the negatives when nothing can be found as a reason. If nothing is wrong, why isn't it working? For what it's worth, I think this will happen for you. It just sucks that it's taking a long time and a toll on you both.
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