Summer

What an amazing summer this has been!  We have gone to four concerts; we saw Sugarland, Marcy Playground, Lit, Gin Blossoms, Sugar Ray, Everclear, Ingrid Michaelson, Andy Hall, and Brandi Carlile (we have a very eclectic taste in music ).  We went camping once, hiking in Maine and in the Rocky Mountains.  We spent nine days in Colorado (and I was ready to pack up and move there).  Went for a bike ride with friends on Peak's Island (a neat island off the coast of Maine).  We are going to a comedy show tonight, camping Sunday night, and whitewater rafting on Monday.  I am sure there are things that I am forgetting, and more to come, but I have to say this has been an epic summer!

This morning I found out that I was accepted to University of New England as a Pre-Med major... yikes!  I am so excited for the new challenge and that I got into the school of my choice, but I am SOOOO scared that I will not be able to handle the work on top of running/working at my own business.  Truthfully, if it ends up being too much, I think I will give up the day care before I give up on school.  I really want to be able to finish my Bachelor's and then hopefully go on to a Nurse Practitioner program, PA program, or med school.  Not sure what direction I will end up going in, but for now, I am really excited to have the opportunity to go to UNE and hopefully ROCK THAT SHIT!!!  (excuse the language... just had to say it!)

As for baby making... Kristen and I are still kind of hanging out waiting until the time feels right to jump back into trying.  It is likely that we will try next cycle (beginning of September), but we aren't locking ourselves into anything.  This month I started using one of those Clear Blue Easy Monitors that tracks your cycle.  Great idea in theory, but I apparently didn't ovulate (according to that machine).  I am going to do my normal test strips next month in addition to the monitor to see if that thing is just a piece of crap or not.  I am a bit skeptical that I didn't ovulate considering I tracked my cycle for 14 months and had very regular ovulation and then month 1 with that machine I didn't ovulate... seems fishy!!!  We still need to buy some sperm and the donor that we were using doesn't have any vials and may not be releasing any more.  I am ok with using one of our 'back ups' but I guess we need to make a decision who the lucky bachelor will be!

Anyway, that is what is going on in my life.  I hope everyone is doing well in the wonderful world of baby making!  I will try to start writing more once we jump back on the insemination wagon.  For now, enjoy your summer!

Disenchanted

It's been a while, I know.  Sorry, friends, we're still on a break.  Ashley and I have decided to let life feel good for a little while longer before jumping back into the game.  I've been nervous since our first (7) attempts took so much out of us as a couple and me as an individual.  Taking this time to take care of ourselves and plan our next course of action has really put things into perspective and I was pretty unhappy.  Struggling to keep both mine and Ashley's attitudes as positive as possible was thoroughly exhausting.  

It's been pointed out to us numerous times that it is very likely we've been receiving poor care--that there are fertility specialists/doctors who perform IUIs out there that are better and care more for their patients.  I was under the impression that our doctor was just fine.  From our experiences in her office, she seemed to genuinely care; however, IUI and fertility is not her specialty and I have to admit, now, that there were definitely some areas of improvement.  Namely, not having multiple doctors perform our IUIs. 

Oh, and also cluing us in on the CMV.  To this date not one doctor has talked to us about the relevance of CMV status on each donor.  It was not until hanging around with our friends and they happened to bring it up that we realized.  What the hell?  Someone, ANYONE, should have mentioned this before, during, or after any one of our IUIs.  No one, not one person mentioned it.  

A professor of mine mentioned during the last day of Spring semester that she was trying to get pregnant.  It was a casual, brief thing she threw out as a reason for avoiding coffee.  At that point, Ashley and I were still pretty deeply invested in trying to get pregnant (and I was, for a while, almost always on the verge of crying from all the frustration and disappointment).  So, when she mentioned it, I sort of jumped on the opportunity to ask her how, how long, alone or with someone.  I needed to know what her experience was to make me feel better about where I was.  At that point she'd been trying for about 11 months.  It's been roughly two months since that day.  Today we met to discuss some possibilities brought up in class during summer semester that we may pursue.  Just before wrapping up she asked if we were still trying.  She is now beginning the process of looking for doctors and donors for IUI or IVF.  I asked her if she'd had the CMV testing and she had.

Okay, so maybe the CMV test isn't all that important.  I can only imagine that it plays a small role in this whole process of conception.  But we were never told.  We were never asked.  I've been on the side of the doctors for most of this process, but I'm beginning to think Ashley was right to be so disappointed in the service we were given.  Maybe she wasn't upset due specifically to the stress of trying to have a child.

When we decide to try again--which I'm leaving in the hands of Ashley to decide--I think we'll either be looking for a new doctor or giving at home IUI a try.

Until then,

Kristen

Hey? Hi. Hello.

Hi.  I'm reluctantly writing because I haven't yet decided that I have anything worth saying on the topic of baby making.  Ashley pretty much brought you guys up to date so that just leaves my feelings about the situation.  How do I feel about it?  I feel a little nervous about starting again here soon.  It's been a nice few months off; nice to see Ashley let loose a little again; nice not to have baby making in the back of our minds while everything was blowing up here recently.  We've held it together pretty well but I'm glad we weren't actively working toward a baby at the time.

Still, of course that's what I want.  I'm just a little nervous now.  It's as if I'm trying to decide to date the same person for a second time.  They kinda maybe broke my heart a little the first time around and I'm planning a second go?  Well, not that any of you care but I was always one for second chances.  And unlike the terrible relationships of the past, this actually has a chance of working. :)

Anyhow... we're off to Colorado in a little over a week.  Yeaaaaah!  I can't wait to be away with Ashley in such a beautiful place.

Hope you all are doing well!
-Kristen

Try again?

Kristen and I have started talking a little about trying to get pregnant again.  We are going on vacation in July, so it will probably be August before we can try.  One of our closest friends is going to be TTC for the first time in August too, so hopefully we can both get pregnant together.  Her wife has a friend that is a midwife and she went over and taught them how to do the IUIs at home.  Last night Kristen and I went out for drinks with Devin (our close friend) and she offered the use of Sarah (her wife) to do our IUIs.  Although it is very nice of her to offer and I am sure Sarah would love to do it (she is a total medical geek like me), I am not sure you can ever come back from that.  I mean, how do you have your friend all up in your business and then go out for a drink together?  Kristen is a little uncomfortable about doing an IUI herself though.  So, I think our options are going back to the doctor or having Sarah do it.  I wish that I could do it myself.  I would love to do an IUI!  Either way, it is a little bit exciting to be thinking about babies again.... scary, but exciting!

Taking over the day care has been really amazing!  I love the babies and spending my day singing, cuddling, and playing with infants.  What could be better?  The youngest baby that I have started at 7 weeks and is now 12 weeks.  It has been a lot of fun seeing the changes over the last five weeks.  The two oldest children are 18 months and they are moving on to another day care on Monday (I only take babies up to 18 months).  I have been caring for one of them since she was 5 months old, so it is going to be hard not seeing her all the time.  I have watched her learn to crawl, walk, talk, and everything in between.  It is a blessing to have these babies in my life.  The only difficult part about owning the day care is that sometimes a few of the parents can be difficult.  My logical side understands that they are just having a hard time leaving their baby while my emotional side second guesses my skills and ability to do the job.  Even with the strange requests from the parents, I don't think I would change it for anything.

Only one more work week and we are leaving for vacation.  I am really excited to go hang out with my lovely girlfriend.  We are going out to Colorado to visit Kristen's college roommate, Julia.  We also have plans to go stay at a resort for two days (just the two of us).  Julia got us tickets for some kind of brewery tour as well.  That should be fun.  Lastly, Kristen bought us tickets to an Ingrid Michaelson and Brandi Carlile concert at the Red Rock Amphitheater.  It is an amazing venue and I am sure that we will really enjoy it.  We are really financially drained at the moment, but we definitely need a good vacation and plenty of relaxation.

I hope everyone is doing well in blogland.  Sorry we have fallen off the face of the earth for a while... hopefully we will be writing more frequently soon.  Happy Summer!

When the smoke clears....

Expect another bomb to drop. 

The transition of buying the day care went off without a hitch.  It has been a process but it is going well.  I have most of the accounts/licensing/insurance stuff set up.  I finally began to breathe a sigh of relief. 

Kristen and I went camping on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend to relax.  It was amazing to have time where it was just the two of us (and Banjo).  We went hiking, spent time reading, and sat by the fire playing cards.  I had a wonderful time.  Then on Monday we went back to Portland and dropped Banjo off at home.  Kristen and I walked downtown to have lunch and drinks on a deck in the sunshine.  It was great until I got the phone call... 

About half way through lunch my mother called to tell me that my father was in an accident.  He had driven out to Ohio to move my mother's stuff out there and then he was riding his motorcycle back.  Apparently about four hours after leaving my mother's house, a deer ran out and tried to jump the back of my dad's motorcycle.  He didn't clear the motorcycle and my father went flying.  He had been going about 70mph when the deer hit him.  Apparently he didn't even see the deer before it hit him.  He was knocked out and the only thing he remembers is waking up to a woman crying over him.  She had been driving behind him and saw the whole thing.  My father was lucky enough to be only a few miles from one of the best hospitals in Pennsylvania.  He was even luckier that he only suffered a broken clavicle, scapula, humerus, 6 ribs, and has a punctured lung.  He has some road rash on his legs and hands and he is very bruised, but all things considered, he is doing very well!  He has a lot of pain and has been in the hospital for a week now but hopefully he can leave tomorrow or Thursday.

So, when we found out about the accident, Kristen and I figured that we should go stay at my dad's house to care for the house and his pets.  We stayed there until Friday morning and then made arrangements for a friend of mine to stay at the house while we went to visit my father.  We drove to Pennsylvania and I have been here since.  Kristen left on Sunday so that she could go and work for me at the daycare with my new employee.  It has been good to be able to spend this time with my father and make sure that his care is going ok.  Everyone in this hospital is great (for the most part) and they have done a good job caring for him.  Once my father is released, I am going to drive him out to Ohio to stay with my mom for awhile.  Then I will be turning around to drive back to Maine.  It has been one hell of a week, but I guess it is just life!

Other than worrying about my father, life is going ok.  I was beginning to relax into my new career and feeling good about the change.  Kristen and I had a wonderful time camping and hopefully will have the opportunity to spend some more time together soon.  As for the baby making stuff... I think we will probably try again in August or September.  Until then, hopefully we can relax a little bit.

For now, I am sitting in a hospital room listening to old men tell war stories.  I am starting to feel a little depressed but I know that this is only short-term.  I just need to keep it in perspective.  I am so incredibly grateful that my father is going to be ok.  I am endlessly lucky that I have a wonderful partner like Kristen.  She has made it possible for me to spend time with my father while she takes care of the day care, house, dogs, etc.  She is truly a blessing and I don't know how I am ever going to repay her for all of her help and support. 

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well in baby land.  Hopefully I will join you in pregnancy pain and bouncing baby bliss shortly!  Lots of love to you all!
-Ashley

On the horizon

Ahem...

So, we're taking a break and all things are great.  I can't complain.  I think, even, that some things are improving.  Ashley is happy, less stressed, not feeling broken at the moment.  And as a couple we're working on our stuff together.  This whole baby making business has really brought out our differences in a way that we weren't expecting--at least, I wasn't--and now that we're taking a step back, we're also taking a moment to make sure we're okay as a couple.  

This isn't to suggest that we're falling apart.  We're not.  But we may not have been taking as much care of each other as we should have been.  Not through our attempts to get pregnant and maybe, even, not before.

Even though we love each other and have had the best of intentions to be there for one another, there really hasn't been much opportunity for it.  I go to school in the mornings and go to work in the evenings (including Saturday) and Ashley works M-F, 9-5 with a night class here and there.  We rarely cross paths.

So, take that schedule and pretend Ashley's you: you're trying to get pregnant, it isn't working, you want to plan, discuss, cry with your partner and 6 of 7 days you feel like you don't have a partner at all.  This has been our life for the past year.

I've been really pressuring myself to continue to work full-time while going for my MSW, but after a long discussion with Ashley last week, I've come to the realization that it's better for my current situation if I make a few changes.  Namely, Ashley and I need to see each other more in order to have a sustainable relationship  (on all accounts).  So--uh, okay, I have to wrap up--straight to the point then...  I've changed from part-time student to full-time, leaving me more room for Ashley in the evenings, and told my boss I have to drop down to part-time at work starting in the fall.  Big changes for me, but I think we'll all benefit.  Even Banjo.

-Kristen

Two weeks left

The next two weeks are insane.  I gave my two weeks notice at the doctor's office last Thursday to which he replied 'it's really bad timing' and asked me to try to work longer.  I agreed to working out three weeks notice.  Well, we are a week into the three week notice and no progress has been made in finding a replacement for me.  My job is not a 'jump right in' type of position; there is a lot that goes into it.  So, I am waiting to have someone to train.  Hopefully they come up with something soon.  I really think that they are thinking that I will say 'oh, I can work another month' but it's just not going to happen.  I always try to "fix" everything for everyone, but not this time.  They need to find someone and I will be happy to train them.  It is super frustrating!  In addition, both of the other people that work in our office were out this week so I have been buried.  I haven't had a chance to eat lunch until almost 3pm both days that I have been in the office and I feel like I am constantly running and getting nothing done.  I will be EXTREMELY happy to finish this job in two weeks.

I have been trying to get my licenses and everything for the day care to be put in my name.  I have an inspection on Monday morning, so hopefully that goes well.  I also have been trying to hire a new day care employee for when my mother leaves.  That is a daunting task in itself.  It is so hard to find someone that I would trust to care for the day care children.  I think I have found "the one" but I am waiting to hear back from some of her references. 

One more full week of school left.  I am currently trying to memorize all of the muscles in the muscular system.  With everything that is currently going on, I have less than good motivation.  I am sure that I will get it done, but it seems completely overwhelming right now. 

As far as baby making goes, that is on hold.  I think we will probably wait and try in August.  I just cannot even think about adding that to my plate at this point.  Plus, we have a vacation planned in July and I want to be able to enjoy it without wondering if I am pregnant or not.  I also want to try to decompress a little bit.  Oh, and I am working on losing some of this weight that I put on in the past year.  I have lost about ten pounds so far and hopefully can lose at least ten more before we try to get pregnant again. 

All in all things are going well... just very busy.  I am really looking forward to having just one job and school being done.  Maybe I will have a little bit of time to myself!?!?!  For now, just trying to get everything done and make sure that everyone around me is happy.  I hope everything is going well in blogland!  So excited to see all the babies that have been born recently or will be born soon.  Congrats to all the new Mommies!