Trying

I am trying really hard to keep swimming.  I am so excited about school and all of the new prospects in my life, but sometimes it is just really hard to keep my head above water. 

A couple weeks ago, a medical condition that may be an issue for me was brought to my attention.  It is kind of a long story, but basically, after tests and going to a specialist on Wednesday the diagnosis was confirmed.  After the appointment I was due to go to counseling (really good thing because I was devastated).  On my way to counseling I cried the whole way.  I am so worried about what this diagnosis means for several aspects of my life. 

Anyway, once I got to counseling, I was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine when someone came out of one of the counselors offices.  I looked up to see if it was my counselor, but instead, it was Kristen's new girlfriend.  I have dreaded the day when I run into her.  Although I know that Kristen and I had issues long before she came along, Arianne was pre-picked to be the next girlfriend before Kristen ever left.  I had envisioned the run in to be more like... I look great, I am confident, and I tell her that I don't respect the way things worked, but I hope you guys are happy and have a wonderful future together.  Take the high road while looking and feeling fabulous.  Instead, I had been crying for an hour straight, with make-up under my eyes, feeling vulnerable and unable to ever muster the courage to look at her for more than a brief second.  I probably looked like a complete loser.  So, that was a really awesome experience that I hope none of you ever have the misfortune to experience.

Back to the diagnosis... I have been dealing the ideas of how this is going to impact my life going forward.  It is hereditary (although we haven't pinpointed where it came from for me).  This morning, for the first time, I realized that IT'S HEREDITARY which means that I can pass this along to my children.  Seriously?  All I have ever wanted from my life is to be a mother, to feel a baby moving inside me, to experience the whole process.  So now I have to really contemplate the choice of bringing a child into this world that may or may not have a health problem that they will struggle with their entire life.  How do I justify that?  I want to give my child the best chances at being successful, healthy, and happy... my genetic material may not be capable of giving them those things.  What a fucking realization. 

I know that my blog sucks.  I know that I am a huge downer.  I am just wondering when the shit is going to stop hitting the fan.  I try like hell to see the silver lining, but really, some days it's fucking hard.  Eventually, this will blow over and I will learn to live with this diagnosis.  And maybe when I meet a new, amazing partner they will have better genetics and be able to provide me with the family that I want someday.  For now, it's pretty hard to see that anything but the hard stuff. 

I am sorry that it seems that I only write when things suck.  I will try to be better about writing when good stuff happens too.  I hope that you are all having a wonderful winter and that your families are happy and healthy. 

Still here

I haven't written in a while.  There isn't a whole lot going on, although it feels like it has been crazy.  I have spent a lot of time trying to reconnect with old friends and build new friendships.  It has always been tough for me to try to make new friends, but I am working really hard at it. 

The day care closed yesterday which is pretty heart wrenching.  I have become so attached to the babies over the last few years.  It is going to be difficult not to see them every day.  I have a few babies that I will babysit for once in a while, but for the most part I won't see them much.  It is also difficult because I closed the day care after fifteen years in operation.  My mother worked very hard to build that business and has helped to raise well over 100 children.  It is sad to see the end of an era.

Classes begin for me on Thursday.  I am starting to freak out a little, but I am also really excited.  I bought my books about a month ago and I have everything all ready to go.  My biggest source of stress is precalculus.  I am horrible at math so I am dreading taking precalc and calculus.  Hopefully, I surprise myself and do really well.  I will keep my fingers crossed.

I recently started dating.  It is kind of weird, but I figure that it is probably time.  Kristen is "facebook official" with her new girl, so I should at least open my eyes to new possibilities (not that her status changes my dating intentions).  I have been on dates with three people and it is kind of a confusing process.  One girl has no sense of humor, one seems too intense, and the third is pretty awesome.  The girl that I liked and I have been talking a lot since our last date and I am hopeful that we will continue to have fun together.  It's really strange though because I am very cautious.  Something about this process is completely terrifying to me.  Haven't pinpointed what is scaring me, but I am sure I will figure it out.  It may just be the fact that I have been with Kristen for four years and I am not used to thinking about myself as single. 

Anyway, let's just hope that I continue to enjoy dating girl #3 and maybe something will come of it.  She is a pretty amazing person.  It's funny though because she is someone that I wouldn't necessarily have dated a few years ago.  She is incredibly bright, successful, sarcastic, and challenges me intellectually.  She is daring and loves to travel.  I hope that things work out.  If not, I am getting a better idea of what I am looking for. 

I have been asked several times recently if I will start dating men again.  Even some of my good friends have asked.  I don't feel like that is a possibility for me now.  I have become so comfortable and happy with my life.  I love women and I am not sure that I would be able to find the same happiness with a man. 

Ok... so that is a snippet of what is going on in my life at the moment.  Hopefully the next time I write I can tell you all that precalculus is super easy!!!  I hope all is well with everyone in blogland!
-Ashley