Quiet voices

It's been a little while since I've really made a mark here (given the little technically goof a while ago), but I'm going to try to make up for that today.

As Ashley has mentioned, it's been an interesting few weeks with the emergence of a willing donor and the question of "will we be able to do this again next month" following close behind us.  I'm not sure how I feel about Travis but I'm trying to keep him in the back of my mind.  To be able to do something like that would take great effort on my part not to think too deeply about the situation.  It took a little while for me to come around to the idea of using a donor in the first place--accepting that I physically cannot do the job myself.  With Travis being someone I would have to meet face-to-face, I worry how I'd handle it.

That being said, we're not using Travis.  At least not this time around.  Instead we've chosen a third anonymous donor (I wish they'd stop selling out! :( ) and will be giving it another shot next month.  And, ya know, I'm taking the advice of the hippie from Whole Foods and imagining our reality--Ashley, Banjo, baby and me.

I am terrified, though.  I'm sure I've mentioned being terrified before, but I think it's important to know that feeling hasn't faded.  In fact, with school and even less time on my hands than before it's likely that I am a little more worried now than I was before.  I started school two weeks ago and haven't had much opportunity to just space out, relax or take a break, really (except Sundays which are the only days Ashley and I have together).  I've been stuck to books, Banjo, or work.  Adding a baby to that mix kind of makes my heart skip a beat and rightly so because babies take a lot of time, love, and energy.  Terrifying is what it's supposed to be.  Besides, two years ago today I was probably giving myself the same excuse of "I have no time" in order not to do something else.  It can be done and as long as the universe and Ashley's body are on board... it will be done.  Hopefully soon. I can't wait for the day that we get to say we've made a baby together.

As far as everything else goes, we've been living at Ashley's parents house for roughly three weeks now and all it well.  It worked out much better than I was worried it would.  The only complaint I have is that there are less places for Banjo and I to go for walks in the woods.  I have to take him to the beach or drive out 15-20 minutes away to walk through some blueberry fields (and like I said, time is an issue!).

Another month?

Kristen and I are in discussions about trying to get pregnant this month.  There are a couple of things to consider.  First, we are BROKE!!!  Having to buy a new car, moving, and a few other unexpected bills have really added up this month.  We are supposed to get our security deposit back from our old apartment soon, but do we want to use that for baby making??? 

Next, our top two donors are both sold out.  Our first pick should be available again in October, but for now, we are left with the third string.  The guy is great, but Kristen is concerned because both of his childhood photos are of him scowling.  She is afraid he has a bad disposition or even Aspergers or something.  Maybe we are both a little crazy, but just one of those little concerns. 

The flip side… I lose my health insurance at the end of August 2012.  I can get a new policy after that, but I don’t want to still be pregnant while I am trying to switch companies, etc.  So I really need to get pregnant in September or October in order to make that deadline.  Planning for this stuff is just so difficult. 

On a different note, we are all moved!  Our large studio apartment at my parents house is kind of a work in progress (needs a bathroom, stove, etc.), but eventually it will be really great.  My father is going to build two bedrooms upstairs as well, so that will give us a large bedroom and then a slightly smaller room for the baby.  Those rooms are supposed to be built in about six months which will hopefully be a few months before the baby is due (if we get pregnant). 

The actual moving process was a little stressful.  I am not very good at maintaining my sanity through things like this, so everyone around me ends up getting the shit end of the stick.  Saturday morning I was mad at Kristen because she had to work and I had to move with just my father.  So, after a few snide remarks back and forth, she asked to go into work late and I burst into tears because I was so grateful that she would be around for part of the day.  I love her!  On Sunday we lost power which was a real bummer.  Kristen was painting our new apartment so midway through; she was doing it with a headlamp on.  It came out great; especially considering she did most of it in the dark.  We have gotten some of our stuff unpacked in the last few days, but we will probably be living out of boxes for a while.  We are having a really hard time deciding where everything should go.   

Kristen and I both started classes this week.  She has two classes this semester (she is going for her masters in social work) and I have three classes (someday I will have a bachelor’s). J  I am really looking forward to this winter because I will be working primarily from home and will be taking the spring semester off; I need a little break. 

Well, I guess that is all for now.  We have had an incredibly busy summer.  Now, we just need to get the baby making back on track!!!
-Ashley

Try, try again...

What a crazy summer it has been.  My parents’ separation has been weird, stressful, and altogether tiresome.  My mother’s business (that I work for three days a week) has had a lot of problems recently.  And to top it all off my body has been attacking itself… I have psoriasis, so autoimmune issues are not entirely new to me, but in early July my dentist diagnosed a small spot in my mouth as erosive lichen planus.  I know that stress is a key contributor to autoimmune issues, but it is really hard not to be stressed with everything that is going on.  Luckily, the treatment seems to be working very well and the spot in my mouth is clearing up quickly.

            So, after taking one month off from trying to conceive, we are back in the game.  I am a little nervous about it because of everything that has been going on.  We also had to go through the process of picking a new donor this time around.  Our first choice is sold out until October.  Our second choice had three vials available but we just bought one.  Hopefully this time works so we don’t have to pick someone else next month.

            This month, there is a very different tone going into trying to make a baby.  I am less sure that it is going to happen and I am less committed to a time frame.  I had this idea that I would take one semester off from school (spring), have the baby in March, and then go back to school in September and everything would be perfect.  Life just doesn’t work like that and I should have known better.  Today, I am trying to be very conscious about thinking positive but being realistic.  I think I need to start meditating or something. 

Emotional hangover

Not being pregnant feels unfair.  It was only our first time, but I feel betrayed or something.  I know that is probably a strange emotion to put on this, but I guess that’s what it is.  I think all of the stuff going on with my parents’ separation is what is weighing most heavily.  I was able to set that aside when I was trying to get pregnant because my family (Kristen, future baby, and I) were what needed my attention.  Now that I am not pregnant, the separation is in the forefront. 

I had this idea that getting pregnant was going to be easy.  I did everything I possibly could to optimize my chances of getting pregnant using at-home ICI.  For me, doing EVERYTHING in my power means that I can accomplish it.  When I want something I put my mind to it and get it done.  This is literally one of the few things on earth that my will power, preparedness, and hard work cannot predict a successful outcome.  That frustrates me.  I guess you would have to be a type-A personality to understand.  Kristen keeps telling me that I did everything I could and that it has nothing to do with us.  I love Kristen and I know that she is trying to help, but unfortunately this is going to feel like a little bit of a failure for a little while.  Just my personality. 

On a high note… I got over 100% on an exam in my Jazz Appreciation class last night.  I was extremely worried about that exam because I have NO musical ability.  Eighth-note, what?  I spent close to seven hours studying over the weekend and clearly it paid off!

-Ashley 

Still waiting

I am convinced that the wait between insemination and a definite positive or negative pregnancy test is the worst torture imaginable.  I have had every thought in the past two weeks about how I am pregnant, I am not pregnant, I was pregnant but now I'm not...  I feel a little bit crazy.  I have even gone so far as to beat myself up over what I should have done differently to get pregnant (hello crazy lady, you don't know whether you are or not yet).  On Sunday night Kristen really wanted me to take a pregnancy test.  We went and bought a 3-pack and I did the test at 3am on Monday morning (had to pee and couldn't wait until the alarm went off).  No such luck!  I did another one on Tuesday and it was another negative.  Today is day 14 since inseminating so I guess Monday and Tuesday were both a little early to tell.  I am going to test again tomorrow and hopefully I will get a positve result.  At the moment I am convinced that I am not pregnant, but we shall see.  I am really looking forward to knowing either way so that I can stop stressing over it.  Although I will be heartbroken if I am not pregnant, I will have a margarita and start planning for the next try! 
-Ashley 

One week and counting

It has been one week since we did our first ICI. I am really tired and grouchy (maybe I am pregnant!), but I am inclined to believe that the copious amounts of pollen are causing my discomfort. Going without allergy stuff really bites!

I didn’t get a chance to write about the actual experience of the ICI yet so I figured that today was as good a day as any. I had this romantic vision going into it that we would have some romantic, sexy time before we inseminated and then lay in bed together after. Well, the reality was that we had to schedule time to meet up at home to do the ICI. I left work early and Kristen went in to work late. As we stood there in the kitchen with the giant nitrogen tank trying to figure out how to get the tiny little vial of liquid gold out without freezing our fingers off, I realized that all preconceived notions about how this was going to go were flying out the window. We ended up with oven mitts and tongs and successfully removed the cute little plastic container. Then we thawed it in a warm water bath while we tried to be all romantic. It is extremely difficult to focus on sex when you are thinking “has it been in the water bath too long?” or “am I really ovulating?” I mean, we did manage to have both pre- and post-insemination sex because it is something that apparently helps the process, but it was really hard to get in the mood.

Kristen and I did a lot more giggling and joking around than anything else. While I was laying there with my legs in the air after the deed was done, she stood on the bed and shook my legs a little bit. She figured it might help the swimmers get there faster. 

Although this blog entry probably sounds really cynical, I do feel like Kristen and I are more connected now than we have ever been. I love her so deeply and feel incredibly lucky to have her by my side. I really look forward to raising a family with her and growing together as people.

So, I have one more week to wait until I can take a pregnancy test. Although I am a little confused because my period isn’t usually until the 28th or 29th. That random ovulation really threw me for a loop!
-Ashley

No time for small talk...

Today's the day we take our first shot at becoming parents! 

I'm hoping for success but also reminding myself that there's only a 30% chance when done at home.   More to come...

-Kristen

Ashley's opening statements.

First off, let me say that I am not really one for blogging.  I just always feel really strange about broadcasting my life for all to see.  However there is a part of me that wants to be able to share this journey into lesbian parenthood (and parenthood in general) with others.  I feel like if there were more “two mommy families” that people hear about on a day-to-day basis then we may eventually have a better shot at things like marriage or two mommies on a birth certificate… I know, I am dreaming big!

Anyway, Kristen gave you a pretty good idea about who we are.  I guess I am a bit of a type A personality, over-achiever.  That is why I am certain that my ovaries and uterus will out-perform many other women’s and I will get pregnant on the first shot… well, I wish that was the case anyway.  In reality I am concerned about what will happen if we cannot get pregnant right away.  The cost of each vial of donor sperm is more than either of us makes in a week which makes it a bit of a financial concern.  And that whole over-achiever thing gets in the way because I always feel like I have to be the best at everything… get it right the first time.  I suppose I have a fear of failing at getting pregnant.  That is a really hard realization to come to because it is one of those things in life that I have no control over.  Although, I have done my research and can tell you the lifespan versus travel time of thawed donor sperm, the timing of egg release in relation to the LH surge, and even tricks to thin your cervical mucus… I mean, if I can’t orchestrate exactly how this whole thing is going down, I sure as hell am gonna control the rest.

I guess the other big thing that is weighing on me right now is the donor sperm thing.  There is this whole unknown realm of baby daddy.  Like, if my child were to pass the donor on the street, would they feel some sort of connection?  It is also really strange to think that a child might have the same mannerisms or characteristics as their biological parent that you have never met.  And we spend all this time working on picking the “perfect” donor when in reality we are still playing the odds on whether we will get a healthy, well-balanced child.  Who knows… I guess I just have to trust that whatever is out there (God or otherwise) will guide me through this process.

- Ashley