A month later

It has been a month since Kristen and I split up.  It feels like much longer than that.  It feels like there has been closure and we are both doing ok separately.  How did that happen in a month?  I still have moments where I miss her presence.  The first two weeks were weird because I kept subconsciously  expecting to walk into a room and see her there.  It was funny because for the first two weeks I only slept on my side of the bed.  I would wake up in the morning and her side of the bed was untouched.  Now, I wake up with all of the covers wrapped around me laying diagonally across the bed.  My subconscious caught up to reality.

I think part of the success in feeling fairly peaceful in the face of a million changes is the fact that I have taken up meditation and trying on faith in "something."  I have been going to church with my father which has been very valuable.  I am not really a God person.  I have come to realize that I have had a grudge against God since I was a child.  I know that sounds weird, but it's true. 

In the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (it may be too much info), but here is my issue with God... When I was four I was molested by my teenage cousin.  As you can imagine, it really ripped my extended family apart.  I feel incredibly grateful that my parents got me the counseling that I needed then (and several other times throughout my childhood) but it didn't change the fact that my family was in pieces.  Anyway, my aunt (the mother of the molester) is a SUPER bible thumper and she used to say stuff about "God forgiving us for lying if we apologized to them" and made a point to say "God bless" to me anytime she happened to see me.  Obviously, now I realize that God was not the problem, her pathology is the issue, but as a child I was unable to see that God wasn't part of the problem. 

Fast forward to present day... I am trying to figure out where God may fit into my life.  Do I believe that there is a God, like a single entity?  I lean more toward the idea of "the universe," like we are all a part of the higher being.  No matter how I see it, I am finding that going to church with my father is very beneficial.  They are a pretty liberal church and the pastor is kind of kooky so it is enjoyable.  On top of church on Sundays, I have applied to join a group of people going to Mexico for a week to help build houses.  I am hoping that I am able to go as I think it would be an eye opening and mutually beneficial trip.

Anyway, I don't know if meditation, God, the universe, or just a readiness to move on is what is making this transition easier... but I am very grateful.  I am looking forward to starting school in the spring and moving into a new apartment.  For now, I am going to try to nurse the cold I have and try to get back into my daily yoga routine (after a sprained ankle two weeks ago that is still swollen).  I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season!