Conflicted

First off, let me start by saying that I am excited for everyone that I know (in real life or in blog land) that is pregnant.  Recently it seems that EVERYONE (literally) is pregnant.  My mother has eight day care parents that are having their second babies within the next few months.  This means that I will have eight new babies to care for at some point in the next year.  The only problem with that… where is the ninth???  I want us to get pregnant so bad, but what if it just doesn’t work???  It is so exciting to hear about peoples’ pregnancies, see ultrasound pics, and get wrapped up in their joy, but it is difficult to see all of it and not feel a little sadness too.

Last night I was talking to my mother about how we are going to probably use sperm from the cryobank again in October.  I know we have a “real life” donor, but I don’t know how I feel about it and don’t want to rush making that decision.  My mom was telling me how it seems like a big waste of money when sperm just flows freely.  I know that is her opinion and that she is just looking out for my best interest, but it really hurts my feelings.  I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does every time. 

I feel like it is completely unfair that I need to even seek out means to create a family.  So many people that are not prepared or don’t want children get pregnant every day and we can’t just have it happen.  I know that we only tried twice but it doesn’t matter, still feels like it is a major fail.  I feel this intense full-body need to be pregnant and no matter how much I will it to happen, it doesn’t mean that it is going to come to fruition. 

Alright, now that I have rambled on and spewed my “negative nelly” attitude all over the place, I guess I should get back to work.  I do have faith that we will get pregnant.  I also know that everything will fall into place when the universe (or God, Allah, etc.) thinks it is best.  Kristen and I will be amazing parents but for now I just need to work on practicing patience. 

Oh, side note… Kristen had a little tiff with her mom last night.  It is difficult to hear about their arguments because it just makes me incredibly angry at her mother.  Anyway, last night her mother said something about how we can send our child to stay with her for a few weeks in the summers (she lives in Mississippi and we live in Maine).  That would be ok except that she is disabled and has a hard time preparing meals for herself, getting to the doctors, etc.  She also will go to sleep for days at a time then stay up for days at a time.  In addition, she chain smokes in the house with the windows closed and is unable to keep the house clean due to her disabilities.  All of those factors make it incredibly difficult for me to consider allowing our child to stay there with us (let alone without us).  So, Kristen told her mom that the baby couldn’t stay there due to her smoking in the house.  Her mother’s response… “There is no proof that second hand smoke causes any long term effects.”  Really???  I told Kristen to tell her mother that if she could find three reliable medical sources to support her argument, then I would consider her point.  I am pretty sure that in 2011 there is not one doctor on earth that could give her any information that would remotely support her argument.  The end result was that she hung up on Kristen and left her really upset.  I don’t understand why she has to be so irrational sometimes.  I mean, whether second hand smoke is or is not harmful to our child’s health, we are still the parents and have the right to decide whether we want our child exposed to that.  I get really sad for Kristen sometimes.  I know that she loves her mother, but I also know that it is really difficult to deal with her sometimes.  I think that I am lucky that Kristen was born to her mother because it made her an incredibly patient person (not everyone would put up with my neuroses).  I hope that someday her mother can look at things from a different perspective and appreciate that her wishes/will are not the only ones to be considered.  It would make Kristen happier and certainly give her mother less anxiety.   

Ok, now I am really done!  Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

-Ashley