When the smoke clears....

Expect another bomb to drop. 

The transition of buying the day care went off without a hitch.  It has been a process but it is going well.  I have most of the accounts/licensing/insurance stuff set up.  I finally began to breathe a sigh of relief. 

Kristen and I went camping on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend to relax.  It was amazing to have time where it was just the two of us (and Banjo).  We went hiking, spent time reading, and sat by the fire playing cards.  I had a wonderful time.  Then on Monday we went back to Portland and dropped Banjo off at home.  Kristen and I walked downtown to have lunch and drinks on a deck in the sunshine.  It was great until I got the phone call... 

About half way through lunch my mother called to tell me that my father was in an accident.  He had driven out to Ohio to move my mother's stuff out there and then he was riding his motorcycle back.  Apparently about four hours after leaving my mother's house, a deer ran out and tried to jump the back of my dad's motorcycle.  He didn't clear the motorcycle and my father went flying.  He had been going about 70mph when the deer hit him.  Apparently he didn't even see the deer before it hit him.  He was knocked out and the only thing he remembers is waking up to a woman crying over him.  She had been driving behind him and saw the whole thing.  My father was lucky enough to be only a few miles from one of the best hospitals in Pennsylvania.  He was even luckier that he only suffered a broken clavicle, scapula, humerus, 6 ribs, and has a punctured lung.  He has some road rash on his legs and hands and he is very bruised, but all things considered, he is doing very well!  He has a lot of pain and has been in the hospital for a week now but hopefully he can leave tomorrow or Thursday.

So, when we found out about the accident, Kristen and I figured that we should go stay at my dad's house to care for the house and his pets.  We stayed there until Friday morning and then made arrangements for a friend of mine to stay at the house while we went to visit my father.  We drove to Pennsylvania and I have been here since.  Kristen left on Sunday so that she could go and work for me at the daycare with my new employee.  It has been good to be able to spend this time with my father and make sure that his care is going ok.  Everyone in this hospital is great (for the most part) and they have done a good job caring for him.  Once my father is released, I am going to drive him out to Ohio to stay with my mom for awhile.  Then I will be turning around to drive back to Maine.  It has been one hell of a week, but I guess it is just life!

Other than worrying about my father, life is going ok.  I was beginning to relax into my new career and feeling good about the change.  Kristen and I had a wonderful time camping and hopefully will have the opportunity to spend some more time together soon.  As for the baby making stuff... I think we will probably try again in August or September.  Until then, hopefully we can relax a little bit.

For now, I am sitting in a hospital room listening to old men tell war stories.  I am starting to feel a little depressed but I know that this is only short-term.  I just need to keep it in perspective.  I am so incredibly grateful that my father is going to be ok.  I am endlessly lucky that I have a wonderful partner like Kristen.  She has made it possible for me to spend time with my father while she takes care of the day care, house, dogs, etc.  She is truly a blessing and I don't know how I am ever going to repay her for all of her help and support. 

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well in baby land.  Hopefully I will join you in pregnancy pain and bouncing baby bliss shortly!  Lots of love to you all!
-Ashley

On the horizon

Ahem...

So, we're taking a break and all things are great.  I can't complain.  I think, even, that some things are improving.  Ashley is happy, less stressed, not feeling broken at the moment.  And as a couple we're working on our stuff together.  This whole baby making business has really brought out our differences in a way that we weren't expecting--at least, I wasn't--and now that we're taking a step back, we're also taking a moment to make sure we're okay as a couple.  

This isn't to suggest that we're falling apart.  We're not.  But we may not have been taking as much care of each other as we should have been.  Not through our attempts to get pregnant and maybe, even, not before.

Even though we love each other and have had the best of intentions to be there for one another, there really hasn't been much opportunity for it.  I go to school in the mornings and go to work in the evenings (including Saturday) and Ashley works M-F, 9-5 with a night class here and there.  We rarely cross paths.

So, take that schedule and pretend Ashley's you: you're trying to get pregnant, it isn't working, you want to plan, discuss, cry with your partner and 6 of 7 days you feel like you don't have a partner at all.  This has been our life for the past year.

I've been really pressuring myself to continue to work full-time while going for my MSW, but after a long discussion with Ashley last week, I've come to the realization that it's better for my current situation if I make a few changes.  Namely, Ashley and I need to see each other more in order to have a sustainable relationship  (on all accounts).  So--uh, okay, I have to wrap up--straight to the point then...  I've changed from part-time student to full-time, leaving me more room for Ashley in the evenings, and told my boss I have to drop down to part-time at work starting in the fall.  Big changes for me, but I think we'll all benefit.  Even Banjo.

-Kristen

Two weeks left

The next two weeks are insane.  I gave my two weeks notice at the doctor's office last Thursday to which he replied 'it's really bad timing' and asked me to try to work longer.  I agreed to working out three weeks notice.  Well, we are a week into the three week notice and no progress has been made in finding a replacement for me.  My job is not a 'jump right in' type of position; there is a lot that goes into it.  So, I am waiting to have someone to train.  Hopefully they come up with something soon.  I really think that they are thinking that I will say 'oh, I can work another month' but it's just not going to happen.  I always try to "fix" everything for everyone, but not this time.  They need to find someone and I will be happy to train them.  It is super frustrating!  In addition, both of the other people that work in our office were out this week so I have been buried.  I haven't had a chance to eat lunch until almost 3pm both days that I have been in the office and I feel like I am constantly running and getting nothing done.  I will be EXTREMELY happy to finish this job in two weeks.

I have been trying to get my licenses and everything for the day care to be put in my name.  I have an inspection on Monday morning, so hopefully that goes well.  I also have been trying to hire a new day care employee for when my mother leaves.  That is a daunting task in itself.  It is so hard to find someone that I would trust to care for the day care children.  I think I have found "the one" but I am waiting to hear back from some of her references. 

One more full week of school left.  I am currently trying to memorize all of the muscles in the muscular system.  With everything that is currently going on, I have less than good motivation.  I am sure that I will get it done, but it seems completely overwhelming right now. 

As far as baby making goes, that is on hold.  I think we will probably wait and try in August.  I just cannot even think about adding that to my plate at this point.  Plus, we have a vacation planned in July and I want to be able to enjoy it without wondering if I am pregnant or not.  I also want to try to decompress a little bit.  Oh, and I am working on losing some of this weight that I put on in the past year.  I have lost about ten pounds so far and hopefully can lose at least ten more before we try to get pregnant again. 

All in all things are going well... just very busy.  I am really looking forward to having just one job and school being done.  Maybe I will have a little bit of time to myself!?!?!  For now, just trying to get everything done and make sure that everyone around me is happy.  I hope everything is going well in blogland!  So excited to see all the babies that have been born recently or will be born soon.  Congrats to all the new Mommies!

Another month

So, as Kristen said, we are not pregnant.  No surprise.  I pretty much never got hopeful or believed that this was our month.  I think I got over optimism months ago.  Moved passed cautious optimism last month.  Now, it is pessimism that fills me.  I don't really believe that it is going to happen.  I know that sounds really messed up, but for some reason, I just can't bring myself to feel at all hopeful.  I try to say the right things, "I know it will happen soon" or "it's just a matter of time," but I don't think I believe it. 

I know that there are thousands (maybe even millions) of people out there that have struggled with this process for much longer than we have, but that doesn't change the fact that it is a struggle.  I started tracking my cycle and preparing for pregnancy over a year ago now and I have nothing to show for it except an extra 50 pounds that is NOT baby weight or a postpartum belly.  I am just fat and sad. 

I think that the hardest part for me to wrap my brain around is that there is nothing wrong with me reproductively.  Everything is perfect.  My cycles are the same every month, my blood work is on target, I eat organically, I avoid EVERYTHING toxic (except alcohol and a cigarette on occasion)... yet I am still not pregnant.  I know that this has been a stressful year with a lot of changes (parents' separation, two moves, and upcoming day care purchase) but people under a lot more stress than me get pregnant every day.  Blah, blah, blah.

I never really talked about trying to get pregnant this month with anyone.  I didn't tell my parents or anyone at work.  Kristen told a few friends but other than that, it was kept pretty quiet.  I kind of feel like I should just (as Dr. Phil's dad says), "take a good opportunity to just shut up."  I feel like no one wants to hear it.  I don't know if that is true or just that I don't want to hear their responses "I have a good feeling about this time" or "I am sure this is your month."  It almost feels like they are lying to me.  I know they aren't saying anything to hurt me, they are just expressing their support but it no longer feels supportive.  More patronizing than anything.  Anyway, I think another reason I keep everything to myself is because then I won't feel compelled to tell people it didn't work which keeps me from becoming an emotional wreck over and over again.  Oh well.

I am sorry to everyone that read this.  I feel like I am the biggest Debbie Downer in the world right now.  I have been keeping it to myself (even from Kristen) because I feel like no one wants to hear it anymore (including Kristen).  So, there go the flood gates.  I hope I didn't scare you all off.  Anyway, I hope you are enjoying this beautiful Tuesday.  And thank you for your support through this process. 
-Ashley

A rainy Monday morn'

I've been waiting for our chance to write our announcement to the blog world.  The "We finally got a positive!" but, alas, I have to continue to wait.

Ashley has done very well this time around with handling the disappointment.  I'm not sure what has really aided her in that, if it's been putting away her charts and thermometer or if it's just been time.  This whole process really leaves you beaten, bruised, and just damn exhausted after a while.

This past try was our 7th.  Our 4th IUI, but our 7th try overall.  I downplay the significance of the inseminations done at home when talking to others or even when Ashley and I discuss what our next move should be.  I downplay it because there was such a small chance, it always felt like a shot in the dark anyway.  But now that the stress is off (a little) I realize that while those three months of ICIs weren't full of high percentage points, we did invest a lot of hope in them, and Ashley, especially, invested a lot of time, energy, and a little bit of her own self.  I tried to build her up by talking down those three months, but I'm finally seeing that what I was doing was downplaying her struggle.  This, of course, is more important for me to realize than anyone out there in blogland, because a part of me knew this all along.  But there was this other part, the part that said we can't move forward until we have x amount of IUIs ... therefore, logically, the ICIs simply do not count.

Logic doesn't win you brownie points, ladies...

My friend Gabe and his wife just had their first baby earlier this month.  It was a struggle for them, too, as Gabe has transitioned from female to male and his wife spent years trying to get pregnant before they were finally hit the mark with IVF.  I'm so happy for them and know that they will be great parents.  I am also hoping that their struggle is not what Ashley and I have as our future.  Some folks can handle long-term disappointment with stride and, well, I suppose we can too, if we had to.  That's not to say we wouldn't try again at some point, but years of trying?  Maybe Ashley is stronger than I am and maybe all you ladies out there who tried and tried and tried are stronger than I am.  Or maybe I'm just worried.  Maybe I am stronger than I think I am.  But when I think that we've already been in this for 7 tries ... I panic.

Of course, I want nothing more than to continue and hold Ashley's hand along the way until we get a positive.  That's really the bottom line, however, I'm tired and Ashley's tired and WE are tired of being tired.  Last month's break really helped to rejuvenate us and this month's disappointment hasn't hit me very hard.  I was hoping for the best but expecting not to be woken up with happy laughter.  So we're taking another break.  At least a month to regain funds and regain ourselves.

The above sounds so negative but I hope that is not what is taken from this post.  Sometimes it is just important to gather your strength and your energy before you try again.  Our 8th, 9th, or 10th try just might be it and I wanna be ready for it.

In the meantime I'll be thinking of you all and hoping for healthy, happy babies and smooth pregnancies!

Until next time,
-K

Oh blogging, how I miss thee...

I have been a really bad blogger lately. Life has been a little crazy, but mostly in a really good way!

My mother went out to Ohio to watch my brother's kids while he and his wife went on vacation a few weeks ago. When she got back she started talking about how she wanted to move out to Ohio to help them for a year or more (my sister-in-law is in school and my brother works 60+ hours per week). Although I love my mother and will miss her terribly, I think it is a great idea. She and my father have been fighting a lot and I have been put in the middle a lot, so I think space will be a very good thing. In addition, she feels most happy and fulfilled when she is with her grand kids, so why not move closer??? The only thing that was holding her back was her day care. That's where I come in... I will be taking over the day care as of May 15th. This is great news because I love working there, I will make almost double the money I am currently making, and I can quit my job at the office. I am very excited about this change and really look forward to the challenge of owning my own business. Oh, and it will also be great once I get pregnant because I will be able to have our baby with me all the time making breast feeding (and bonding) that much easier.

On the baby front... As Kristen said, I had my follicle check on Thursday and I had a 15mm follicle. Based on the follicle size and my typical cycle, we figured that my ovulation would occur on Sunday. Because the OBs office doesn't do IUIs on weekends, we had our sperm transferred over to Boston IVF and the nurse at our OBs worked out all the details for us to go in for our IUI over the weekend. So, on Saturday morning I had my LH surge and I called Boston IVF to set up my IUI. Long story short, they didn't know anything about it and ended up telling me that I was out of luck this month. I flipped out a little and then, once I had regained my composure, called the on-call doc from the OBs office. After I talked to a few doctors on the phone and explained the issues over and over again, I finally got a call from the lady at Boston IVF who told me that I was all set for a 9am IUI. I was really pissed! I kind of feel bad for that girl because I wasn't super kind to her in the moment. I apologized, but I still feel bad.

Anyway, on Sunday morning Kristen and I went into Boston IVF and had our IUI. It was great! The nurse was so nice and spent close to an hour with us. She even offered Kristen the opportunity to dispense the sperm (Kristen was too nervous, but it was a wonderful gesture). I was very impressed with the experience there.

I have to go back to my doctor's appointment on Thursday for a minute though. While we were waiting for our appointment (for almost 40 minutes) I started to think about how much I really didn't like that place. Maybe it is just the association of trying to get pregnant and failing or the issues that we have had with them or both. Anyway, when we were in the appointment with the doctor she said a few things that made me angry. Kristen mentioned the first one (why don't you guys switch?). I mean, I know that this is an option for some couples, but I also feel like if it is an option then we would probably tell the doctor. If I couldn't get pregnant and Kristen could, I would feel like a failure and really resent her for being able to have that experience. I don't ever want to feel that way about her (or myself). I wish that I was open to the idea of her carrying our baby, but I have had this deep biological need to carry a child since I was very young, so I just think that it is best to honor those feelings.

The other thing that always bugs me when I hear it from our OB is "you know, most heterosexual couples have unprotected sex for a year before they are labeled as infertile." I understand that and I am not looking for an infertile label (really)! We are doing IUIs which is an infertile heterosexual couple's first step in fertility treatments. So although I appreciate her trying to tell me that I am not infertile, it always seems patronizing to me that she says that.

Lastly, she said something about "I read the notes from the Boston IVF consult, but I want to hear what he told you." So, Kristen told her that basically he said it was just a matter of trying more and that the Clomid/Letrozole may have been hindering my ability to get pregnant. My OB then AGREED that indeed the fertility drugs that she prescribed to me can hinder getting pregnant if you don't need them. My question is, why did she never inform us of that? Why did she advise us to take the meds if it wasn't indicated?

So that is it for my rant about the OB. We probably won't go back there. I don't particularly like dealing with them and I feel like they are pretty insensitive to this whole process. Anyway, I loved my experience at Boston IVF, so we will probably stick with them.

The IUI itself went really well. The catheter slipped right in and other than some spotting and cramping, it was great. The nurse gave us the sheet with all of our sperm counts and stuff which was neat to see (the OBs office doesn't do that). Our swimmers were swimming straight and fast (rated 3 out of 3) and our count were good (can't remember the exact numbers). Hopefully this is the month!

Easter was really nice. It was my mother's birthday too, so we had a birthday cake for her and Kristen and I bought her an hour long massage (she loved it). We went over to my cousin's house and had dinner with some of my family. It was wonderful! Typically when we get together with family there is some kind of bickering, but Easter was the exception this year. We played with the kids, laughed, ate too much, and just generally enjoyed each others' company. I feel truly blessed!

Now that I have written a novel, I should probably get back to work. Things are going well overall and I really look forward to the life changes coming my way. I hope everyone is doing well in blogland!
-Ashley

I have to admit, I thought this would be easy.

That's normal, right? Yeah, I think so. Everyone wants to believe that they'll be pregnant right away and when they're not all the wheels feel like their grinding--what's in the way? It's been nice this past month to not worry about the price tag... on Ashley's sanity and of the actual process. We've moved to a new place (which I cannot explain how much I love) without the added stress of trying to make appointment after appointment and pick up meds and test and check temps, etc. I got to watch Ashley relax, smile, reconnect a little. It's been great.

Not sure what's going to happen this month. We've talked about waiting; we've talked about jumping right back in. It's all a little scary. I mean, up until this point every effort we've made has failed, so how do we not assume failure? Isn't that crazy? But no, it's hope, it's faith in the universe!

Anyway, we did have a visit with our OB today just to see how Ashley's doing on her own without the meds this month. Everything seems to be going alright. Our OB, upon realizing the stress growing in the air, said, "Have you ever thought about switching?" I nearly laughed--or maybe I did laugh. People who don't know us well probably wouldn't get it, but for every fabric of my being that doesn't want to carry a baby, Ashley's body wants it that much and more. So, no. This will not be a case where the ladies switch off.

There's not much really brewing on the baby front for me this month but there is a lot of family stuff blowing up on my side that makes me think about family and what it means. I wonder often why I am the way I am with my family, so distant and separate. I've always figured it was because they'd make me implode if I was more involved, but maybe I'm just selfish and can't be bothered. So instead of worrying about my baby I'm worried about those who cared for me and grew up beside me as a baby. It hasn't really gotten me anywhere just yet, but I suppose it adds a bit of perspective to making a family...